"Once upon a time there were humans and robots and the great world war..."
Why are all the Internet troll's kicking shit on Uwe Boll when we've had Albert Pyun to kick shit on for the last quarter century? This guy, for some inexplicable reason, doesn't even get mentioned in the same breath. Pyun is the filmatic genius behind such films as The Sword and the Sorcerer, the Van Damme epic Cyborg, Captain America, Kickboxer 2 & 4!!, the Nemesis quadrilogy, and many, many more! His body of work truly does make Boll look like Martin Scorsese or, perhaps, someone like Brian Trenchard-Smith. Simply put, Pyun is a legend. Although, in defense of internet trolls everywhere, Pyun began releasing pictures into theatres long before the world wide web revolution took hold. Boll's first theatrical release was well after the inception. By that time, Pyun had been firmly entrenched within the "who gives a fuck" world of direct to video, a world whose border Boll dances upon with his leaden feet (don't worry, he'll be there shortly). Pyun deserves better. With a little luck, he too could have been challenging his critics to a boxing match. Perhaps, we'd think of him as the loveably inept madman, the same way we (I?) think of Boll today. Sigh.
99% of Pyun's films involve robots of some sort fighting various other forms of robots. Omega Doom is no exception. Not a single human in sight. Well, except for the prologue (great world war) during which we're introduced to Omega Doom (Rutger Hauer), a cyborg with one prime directive ("must kill all humans"). Amidst an atmoshphere drenched in blood red tones, we see our hero, Omega, battling against mankind's final stand. He is close to victory. Ooops, a shot to the back of his head fries his memory and alter's his directive. His new prime directive: Wander a ruined apocalyptic (thankfully, man-free) earth helping underdog robots fend off the bully robots. This is my kind of future.
Omega wanders into "old europe town" during the middle of a clash between the "roms" and "the droids". Both sides are looking for a "buried treasure" (i.e. a cache of guns). Not sure why highly intelligent and, apparently, evolving robots can't produce their own weapons (and also ignoring the aspect that they already have fucking lasers!) but that's besides the point. Omega serves as sort of a Yojimbo (or "man with no name") or even a John Smith (Last Man Standing) type character. Feel out both sides, find potential love interest, play them against each other, step in at last moment and claim victory. Typical bullshit. The droids are, I guess, the friendliest of the two factions. They dress like punk rockers, look exactly like humans, and walk so awkwardly that we can hear their gears grinding (I'm being serious here. Trust me, it's hysterical). At first, it seems like their leader is Marko (run of mill psychopath), but later it's revealed to be, gasp, a broad (named Zed, no less). The Roms dress as if the only movie they've ever been able to upload into their memory is The Matrix, which would make Pyun some kind of prophet. They're led by Blackheart (Tina Cote), although it was almost impossible to tell them apart (Call me a Rom-ist, if you will, but they all look the same).
Um, yeah, so this is pretty much a piece of "avoid at all costs" shit. Not even a sleepwalking Rutger Hauer can save this one from the robot landfill. Why the fuck is everything so damned serious in this thing? Where's the fucking comic relief? And don't even think of giving me head! I'm talking about the character, not the sexual act (although, if there are any easy model-ish type dames reading this blog (or Anne Hathaway) feel free to email your number and I'll take it into consideration). Head is a droid played by Norbert Weisser. He's the jokester who is always losing his head. First, Marko is kicking it around (droids love soccer). Omega reattaches it only to have it blown off again later. The effects of his bodiless head are amazingly bad, even for a low budget DTV production. I can see the fucking mirror! I'd like to recall some of his lines for you, but I neglected to write them down (and imdb didn't even bother with the "memorable quotes" section for this picture). Great character.
The end of this film was mainly just talking. And talking. And more fucking talking. Pseudo-philosophical mumbo jumbo. One character tells an "evil" Rom to "enjoy my murder if it makes you feel better about your life". The Rom's reply: "I never enjoyed the killing" and then she took off her sunglasses and actually started to fucking cry. We hear about how the world's changing (Yes, that's right...it went from being populated by humans trying to kill each other to being populated by robots doing the same damned thing). I did like Omega's line to "evil" Rom who tells him all she can do is follow her program. "You're program stinks". Best line of the picture, which should tell you something about the picture.
The final fight is vintage Uwe Boll (except, done by Pyun a decade earlier) with plenty of slo-mo and techno music. The threat of an impending human attack looms over the entire picture. Thankfully, it never comes. I'm not sure I would have survived the extended runtime. The leader of the droids, Zed, has a great death scene that lasts for a fucking week! The movie concludes with Hauer walking away whilst some offscreen narrator-like bozo recites a Dylan Thomas poem. Some bullshit about lovers lost while love is not. And then they all died or something. I think that's how it goes. Why is this Thomas guy so revered? On top of being boring, this thing is also pretentious. And, not one god damned robot titty. Not even Boll would stoop to that level.
Stay tuned for the second review from my Rutger Hauer double feature. Two movies on one disc! How could I fucking not watch them both? Don't worry, the second picture is better.