Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Schlocktober Fest 2018, Vol. V

Well, I almost didn't make it.  About a week ago my computer crashed (I swear it's not the porn) and I had to bring the thing to the Apple Store.  If you've ever made an appointment with the Apple Store you probably know that, while the fix might be quick, it's the actual "getting in for service" where they get you.  So, A week later, here I am, ready to bang out a few reviews.  I'm going to wing this one.  Short, short, brief, and little reviews.  Micro reviews.  Really tiny, is what I'm saying.  Again, here are the rules:

1) 31 movies for 31 days
2) It has to be something I haven't seen before

Here we go.

October 13, 2018
Terrified (2018), an Argentinian film (with subtitles)
viewed on: Shudder

I watched this thing in the morning with coffee.  That's fitting because the opening scene is too terrifying for dark (I guess that's where they came up with the title).  Here we have a movie not completely unlike Poltergeist if JoBeth Williams has left Craig T. Nelson in bed to go shower and then Nelson woke up to some thumping, wandered around the house looking for the source, left the house yelled at the neighbor, came back inside and found....(spoiler---redacted)...in the shower.   Also, wasn't the entire housing development revealed to be haunted in Poltergeist?  That's what happens here.  So, not such an original spin, I guess?  Anyway, we got a haunted block, dead boy that gets hit by a bus and returns home looking for dinner, hand impalings, blood sucking ghosts, the Argentinian Benicio Del Toro, postmortem spasms caused by gasses, Paranormal investigators and investigations, subtitles, etc.

October 14, 2018
We are the Flesh (2018), a Mexican film (also subtitles, I'm nothing if not worldly)
viewed on: Shudder

Here's a film that opens with heavy breathing and then devolves into heavy panting.  No, it's not a boy and his dog it's a Mexican film about the end of the world and fellatio in Papier-mache caverns.  I don't know, the film has lots of standard post apocalyptic stuff, at first.  We got food gathering (potatoes, mostly), incest, full on explicit dong and mouth stuff (alluded to above if you call that an "alluding to"), some incredible visuals (including Predator vision), misogyny ("How come a nimrod like you ended up with such a nice piece of ass"), bearded perverts, and apparently (checks notes) a "piano orgy".  I jotted down "wtf" a bunch.  They don't leave those reddish hued caverns until the end but, when they do, it's a stunner?  Probably not a movie you'll want to throw on when visiting the folks for the holidays.

October 15, 2018
The First Purge (2018)
viewed on: physical media

I like the concept behind these Purge films and then they went and overkilled it.  We even have a Purge TV show now (I watched the first episode a while back and forgot that I did until I saw the trailer for it before this thing).  When I mention I viewed this on "physical media" please don't go thinking I bought The First Purge.  It's not completely outside the realm of possibility but, let's be real for a minute, I don't even own the first 5 or 6.  I vending machined this sucker.  Anyway, "The Purge" is one night a year when all crime is a legal.  In the first films it's across the entire United States but here we get a look at the initial soft rollout.  They chose Staten Island for "The First Purge" which, if you've ever seen the film Combat Shock, is probably a good idea (that movie ends with a combat vet throwing his dead baby in the oven).  Of course, this is all about race.  It's a movie that could probably only exist (in this fashion) during the Trump administration, though this systemic racism stuff has existed for forever.  Now we're finally angry about it.  Anyway, we got a The Wire-lite like set up here with kids working on "the corner" and volunteering to take part in the "The First Purge" in return for cash, etc.  White people in high rises (monitoring with drones and cameras), brown skinned people on street level committing purges until the tables are finally turned, or are they?  I don't really remember.  Fuck Trump is the films lasting message.  Recommended for the Wolverine character with syringes where the claws should be.

October 16, 2018
Pyewacket (2018)
viewed on: Hulu

This is the movie I was watching when my computer shit the bed so fuck this movie.  It was ok.  Let's talk about it.  Briefly.  Pyewacket is not a word for wacking pies with a stick.  It's also not about a cat,  apparently.  I don't know, I heard Pyewacket was some dumb cat.  Instead, it's the story of some goth girl fascinated by the occult.  As the movie opens she tells her mom she's going to a book signing.  How refreshing that she actually went to this book signing.  For an occult-y type book.  The afterparty involves hanging around the parking lot sipping red wine as teens do.  Then the mom tells goth girl that they're moving to the country.  The girl throws a fit, calls up some demon (I guess the thing was called pie wicket) to kill her mom and semi-glorious mayhem ensues.  It's actually not even "semi", nothing glorious about this one.  I liked it enough.  The subject was heavy, goth kids and their dead fathers.  "I would take Billy Corgan over any guy" is what one goth girl says.  It's a movie.  I should give it another shot sometime on a night when my computer doesn't go all Evil Speak.

October 17, 2018
The Apostle (2018)
viewed on: Netflix

Here's one I really liked.  A man travels to a British Isle (I think) in the early 20th century (I think) to look for his sister (I think) who ran away from home (not clear) to join a cult (pretty sure).  Dan Stevens (new Indie It-guy) plays the brother (or dad or..).  He dresses like a 40s gumshoe.  Everyone else dresses more period appropriate I assume.  Anyway, basically The Wicker Man but if the leader of the cult was played by Michael Sheen (not Christopher Lee or, later, Ellen Burstyn).  Also, no music in this one (there's a nice score, just no weird folky interludes involving Ingrid Pitt in the buff) though I think there was some gentle Dan Stevens guitar strumming?  Memory is a funny thing.  Anywhoo, it's a gem, a long, long gem.  Two hours plus.  The cult is probably proved totally justified when the goddess of the wood makes her first appearance.  We got medieval torture, medieval executions, goddess satiated via funnel by one of those guys from Beastmaster.  You know the guys, right?  Cloaked mother fuckers.  These guys:

Anyway, good shit.  Nice, poetic ending.

October 18, 2018
The Hearse (1980)
viewed on: physical media (I own this shit)

Here's another one I like that I definitely, most definitely, have never seen before.  1980's The Hearse, courtesy of Crown International Pictures, or CIPs for short.   What we got here is the story of a woman inheriting (?), buying (?), or renting a house out in the country north (?), south (?) or, let's go with just outside of San Francisco.  The former lady of the house has passed.  Now it's owned by this very 1980s looking woman.  In the country there are hills and winding roads and the caretaker of the house lets her in one night wearing jammies under a trench coat.  Also, there's a house (did I mention that yet), and a hearse.  Unlike most 1980s killer car thrillers, this hearse clearly has a driver, looks like Higgiins.  Meanwhile, the town also has a sheriff (he stashes booze), a landlord (he stashes booze), a  priest (he stashes booze), and Shooter McGavin in a neckerchief:

Good film,  Everyone's drunk and the hearse explodes at the end (or, does it?)

October 19, 2018
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)
viewed on: Shudder

This viewing was overly fueled by bourbon.  I'm still not sure I've seen it.  Here are some notes:

  • Michael Ironsides, top billed
  • church stuff
  • 1957 prom flashback with "tootie fruity"
  • hand smell -- poor Ironsides (??)
  • old guy "music too loud"
  • Ironsides is principal and also appears in the flashback as a student (!)
  • paper slicer kill
  • "I'm gonna drink too much beer and throw up in the can.  It's my (unintelligible), I'm a teenager."
  • dorky guy and cool girl "we could never be at prom together"
  • volley ball scene leads to getting knocked out which leads to Nightmare on Elm Street rip off (that's the movie, basically)
  • demon horse = bad
  • priest box buddy (I don't know, either)
  • back in class (I either wrote "hot for teacher" or "not for teacher")
  • meat grinder locker (iconic)
  • hugging a corpse
  • prom insane
  • goodnight
That's the movie in a nut shell.  Solid.

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