Beginnings and Endings: Sam Peckinpah's Major Dundee (1965)

Well shit. I meant to write this thing up a few weeks ago as part of my Peckinpah retrospective that I’m hoping to someday finish. Unfortunately, the latest movie I watched was a bit of an epic slog. Peckinpah was just coming off the critically lauded Ride the High Country which Charlton Heston had actually seen and liked. He was just the type of director to shoot Heston’s next project, something called Major Dundee (oh wait, the picture I’m writing about) in the style of such epics as Lawrence of Arabia or maybe Heston’s own El Cid. You know, a three hour picture complete with an overture, interlude, etc. The kind of picture that won Oscars and made millions. Anyway, watched this thing a few weeks ago. My memories a little fuzzy. Details come in and out. I think it’s about a Major or some shit during the Civil War, except it takes place in the Old West which is not where many Civil War battles were fought. Or something. Apaches figure into this thing. There’s a Scottish or Irish Captain who fought for the South. And a young bugler narrates the story, although his narration is so few and far between that we forget who he is and why he's talking over a Heston/Peckinpah collaboration. The end.

Okay, I’m just messing with you. That’d be a shitty review. Truthfully, I wrote this thing the other night and I thought it came out pretty good.  The words just flowed out of me.  Then blogspot lost it (without saving) and I nearly threw my laptop out the window. Now I’m just trying to remember it piece by piece and it ain’t working out too well. Like I said earlier, Heston hand-picked Peckinpah to direct this feature thinking he’d found some young genius filmmaker (he had) that he could control (not quite). Peckinpah was allowed to be himself on the set which is to say belligerent with the crew, drunk all the time, slapping around women, and shooting out mirrors in his hotel room (I’m theorizing here). I keep hearing/reading that Heston tried to run Peckinpah through with a saber. Not sure if that’s true or not. I think I read it in some book somewhere. So, Peckinpah was not the easiest guy to work with. And then the picture went overtime and over budget and got shut down with several scenes yet to be shot. That’s fine, they thought, we can stitch together a piece of crap and it’ll still make money.

What I managed to get my hands on is the extended edition which the DVD back cover claims to be “A Restored Masterpiece.” Well, the whole “masterpiece” thing got me thinking about what they meant by “masterpiece”. So, I decided to look it up in the ol’ dictionary.com. First thing I noticed is it’s a noun. Second thing I noticed is it’s got three definitions. Shit, when did dictionaries get so complicated? The first one defines “masterpiece” as “a person’s greatest piece of work, as in an art.” That definitely doesn’t apply here since this thing isn’t even as good as the last Peckinpah I watched. Fuck, I may have mislabeled that thing myself when I called it his “first masterpiece” since according to this definition you’re only entitled to one in your lifetime. The second definition states it’s “anything done with masterly skill.” So, I guess this one might work here.  I don't think so but if you're being a pussy I could see how you might think so.  We're getting a little too lenient in what qualifies as a masterpiece. Using it in a sentence, I guess I’d go with "Father didn’t let son help build his Pinewood derby car in the hope that it could actually be labeled a masterpiece." The final definition claims it’s “a consummate example of skill or excellence of any kind.” That last definition throws me for a bit of a loop. “ANY kind”? Farting, apparently, can qualify. Quitting, could even be considered a masterpiece. I guess you could consider it a masterpiece when I won the eagle feather at Camp Sunrise (a Cub Scout, thing) but I consider it more of a masterpiece when I quit Boy Scouts after one meeting. It wasn’t quite what I expected. Anyway, we got a few definitions of masterpiece to contend with here. Major Dundee doesn’t qualify for any of them, in my opinion. I guess this is the part where I ramble on to try and explain myself.

Major Dundee, for the most part, doesn’t even feel like a Peckinpah picture. We got here the story of a disgraced Major in the Union army named Dundee (no relation to Crocodile, far as I can tell). Dundee fought in one of the big skirmishes in the Civil War, something like Salisbury Hill or Gettysburgh. Like I said, it’s not easy remembering this shit. Well, turns out Dundee made some tactical blunder in the hopes of achieving glory and got a bunch of men killed. As punishment, he was sent out to the New Mexico territory to warden over some prison. The picture opens with the aftermath of an Apache massacre of a family on a ranch. Dundee sent in a small army and they were also massacred (we don’t see any of this shit). The Apaches don’t discriminate when it comes to slaughter except for young boys who they capture to develop into warriors. Dundee sees his chance for redemption. Gather up an army and pursue the Apaches across the Rio Grande and into Mexico, rescue the boys, get sent back into the real war with maybe a plaque or a statue or something, bed some broads, etc. It’s the perfect opportunity. 

Of course there’s a scene where Dundee has to put together his rag tag army. Some are regular soldiers; the bugler, his bookish lieutenant, etc. The majority end up being horse thieves, rapists (I’m pretty sure), drunks, etc. We got a black regiment mixed in there somewhere, back of the line-ish, and this coming 20+ years before Glory. That’s pretty impressive. We also got a scout, played by James Coburn, with one arm. It’s a decent special effect for the time. Looks like they just stuffed something in his left sleeve and tied it off where the stump would be. No CGI as far as I could tell. Coburn’s a friend of the injun, sorry Indian. He calls them his brothers. They have wrestling matches and Knife fights for fun. Typical brother shit. Most interesting, we have a few jailed confederate soldiers led by Captain Tyrese or Tyrel or whatever. He’s played by the ahab-ish (Quint-ish?) boat captain from that movie Orca. The picture where Bo “10” Derek gets her already broken leg bitten off. Anyway, Tyrell and Dundee were friends at West Point. Can’t remember exactly what happened but they had a falling out. Tyrell (an Irish or a Scotsman) went to fight with the South while Dundee fought for the North. Now, here’s Captain Tyrese in Dundee’s prison where he and his men are given the option of hanging or joining the army and taking orders from Dundee. I can’t imagine hanging prisoners of war being acceptable, so maybe Tyrese and his men did some other shit before being captured. Also, Warren Oates is one of the confederate soldiers. Moustache and all. And R.G. Armstrong plays a man of god but isn’t quite the zealot he was in the last picture. Slim Pickens is a drunken horse thief I think, but other than a few lines, he barely resonated.

Basically, this picture is a bunch of scenes of Dundee and his men riding across the countryside, having unmemorable skirmishes with Apaches, dealing with uninteresting dissension among the ranks, encountering some French assholes, bedding a couple women here and there, wrestling, eating, drinking, bugling, etc. Hell, I even forgot what they were out there looking for. Oh yeah, a couple of kidnapped boys. The Apaches are complete non characters, none more so of a non-character than their chief, Chief Sonny Chiba (I think). This guy is a legend, a nightmare of the western plains yet I don’t even remember getting a look at his face or even hearing him talk. The villain of the picture is faceless. We’re supposed to fear him because of what we’ve heard he’s done but we never see any of that shit.

I suppose we could look at the major conflict of the picture as being between Dundee and Captain Tyrone and, actually, this is where the picture comes closest to feeling like a Peckinpah picture. We got two manly men (well, Tyrone is a bit dainty, truthfully) who used to be on the same side but have been driven apart by circumstances and are now fighting on opposite sides. Friends respecting, but trying to kill one another is a Peckinpah theme (see Holden/Ryan in The Wild Bunch or Coburn/Kristofferson in the Billy the Kid picture). Unfortunately, once Dundee and whats his face have to set aside their differences for the common good it veers into more of a Hollywood cliché, rather than Peckinpah territory. The French army doesn’t really work as a source of real conflict or villainy either. Fuck, Dundee and his men storm into a French occupied town looking to pillage for supplies after their army was ambushed. Dundee and his crew are the invaders, in this scenario. Then they have a party and Dundee’s army ends up bedding some Mexican women. I think Dundee bedded a broad too, but it was never made overtly clear. Even the bugler banged a Mexican broad. Shit, these Mexican women, who can’t even speak English, are just happy as can be to get some gringo dick. Poor bugler was reprimanded the next morning when he stumbled out for revelry, or whatever it’s called, pants around the ol’ ankles.

Where was I? Oh yeah, the picture lacks conflict. It lacks resolution. It lacks a cohesive story. It lacks those unique Peckinpah touches. Oh sure, we got a bunch of men acting tough together, mistreating their women, and drinking gallons of whiskey. What it lacks is Peckinpah’s soul. The man’s an artist. His great pictures usually have all his problems thrown up on the screen for the world to see. This just feels like a picture that deserves to be forgotten. There’s almost nothing on screen that would have been presented differently if, say, Heston had directed the thing himself. Or, some other guy. Whoever. Doesn’t matter. Point is, this doesn’t feel like a Peckinpah. We got no slow motion action scenes (which admittedly, he wouldn’t use until his next picture), we got no mirror shooting, we got little sense of a character’s motivations. We know Dundee wants to redeem himself for his previous war blunders. We’re not quite sure what he did (at least, I don’t remember what he did) . We’re just kind of told he wants that glory that eludes most men. Captain Tyreke tells him something along the lines of did you ever stop to think that maybe there’s a reason you’re the warden of a prison while there’s a war going on. In other words, he’s kind of a chump. I will say Heston makes a great chump. We see his desperation, he drinks a lot, takes an arrow in the leg like a man, etc. He’s still a chump.

Unfortunately, the picture (already a great big slog) just falls completely apart at the end. Finally, Dundee and his men come face to face with Apache Chief Chiba. The battle is unexciting and too quick. Chiba is unceremoniously dispatched (with minimal fight) and his body gets pushed down a ravine. I think that’s how he went out. Before the men can high five each other one of Dundee’s men looks across a meadow and says “Oh fuck, we forgot about the French.” The French, who are coming to get their revenge, apparently. The battle takes place in the Rio Grande, on horseback. Guns blaze, swords thwack, soldiers fall into the river before they’ve been struck. It’s an appallingly incompetent scene and I refuse to believe Peckinpah had any part in it. I’ll just believe he was kicked off set before they even got to it. What comes next is even more un-Peckinpah, in my opinion. Of course, one of either Tyreen or Dundee are probably going to die. I would have gone with Dundee. Instead, Tyreen is mortally shot. The first French wave has been disbanded but French reinforcements are racing towards the river. Tyreen singlehandedly charges into their masses giving Dundee and his remaining men just enough time to escape. Like fucking cowards. What was the point of Tyreen’s sacrifice (which wasn't much of a sacrifice when you consider he was already moments from death)? He allowed for a deeply flawed and cowardly (again, not a trait Peckinpah would respect) man to escape. What was the point of the picture? The picture ends as soon as Dundee makes it to the other side of the river. Sure, they had revenge on Chief Chiba, a man the audience could give a shit about. It’s possible I dozed during the part where they rescued the kidnapped children. I’ll just assume it didn’t happen. I don’t know, it’s all a bit muddled. Could have used a better climax is what I’m saying. Also a better middle. And a better beginning. Not one of Peckinpah’s finest works, but I’m not sure it’s entirely his fault. Maybe he’ll have more luck with his next picture.

Also, Oates gets shot in the back.  By his own man.  Spoiler alert.  So, basically what I'm getting at is Major Dundee is a classic picture deserving of it's "restored masterpiece" status.  Fucking with you again.  Major Dundee is a Major Disappointment.  Fuck, who am I?  Gene Shalit?  I'm not ending with that bullshit.  Let's just say Peckinpah was really,really drunk.  The perfect catch-all excuse.

Apologies to Richard Harris.  I know who you are.  I just couldn't keep your character's name straight.  My bad.

Next Up: Ernest Borgnine makes his Peckinpah debut and gets (spoiler!) shot full of holes for his trouble.

Motifs: Um, old West setting, some drinking, a few broads get hurt (this time more emotionally, than phsyically), guy talk around a fire, lots of men, etc

Peckinpah Regulars: R.G. Armstrong, Warren Oates, Slim Pickens, Dub Taylor, James Coburn, L.Q. Jones, Ben Johnson, maybe a couple others

Beginnings and Endings: Sam Peckinpah's Ride the High Country (1962)

Well, here we have it.  A bonafide Peckinpah classic.  It only took him two attempts.  This one hits on some themes that Peckinpah will use throughout his career; friendship, betrayal, growing old during changing times, etc.  Also, gleefully shooting chickens for the hell of it as well as a heoine who's in constant peril.  Unlike his previous film (The Deadly Companions), Ride the High Country is eminently rewatchable and endlessly quotable.  Unlike the majority of Peckinpah pictures, it features a central character we can get behind 100%.  Joel McRea, as Steve Judd, is a good man whose only ambition is to walk into his home "justified." 

Judd's an aging ex-lawman.  A man the world is quickly passing by.  He rides into a Californian town, a town immersed in carnival atmosphere, looking for work.  Peckinpah is not subtle in this scene with townspeople referring to Judd as "old man", "old timer", "gramps", etc.  It's in this town that Judd runs into an old friend (also, former lawman) Gil Westrum, played by Randolph Scott.  Westrum has been relegated to running a carnival shoot-em-up game while dressed as Buffalo Bill.  Judd's got a job offer from the local bank.  Transport a quarter of a million dollars in gold bullion from a mining town called Coarsegold back to the bank's vault.  Unfortunately, after meeting with the bank managers, the bounty has been lowered to twenty thousand dollars.  An undertaking of great importance has suddenly become something like "eh, take it or leave it...what do we care?"  Still, a jobs a job.  He wants Westrum to be his partner, just like old times.  Westrum wants to bring along his new friend, the young, brash, and incredibly named Heck Longtree (Ron Starr).  Our introduction to Heck comes as he races a camel against a thoroughbred, wins, and then punches out the losing jockey.   That's so Peckinpah (I don't know what that means).

So, we got this threesome, two old friends and one arrogant son of a bitch, riding over the High Sierras to collect some gold and return it to the bank for forty dollars a day (split three ways).  Time's sure have changed, but it's an honest living.  At least, that's the way Judd looks at it.  Longtree and Westrum have other ideas.  Well, one other idea.  The plan, along the way, is to convince Judd to make off with the gold for themselves and retire somewhere nice.  Westrum's got a few days to convince him in his own subtle ways.  He tells him shit like "a poor man dies with only his clothes of pride on his back" while Longtree's got other, more blunt, methods: "Let's just bend the gun barrel over his head."  After all, splitting the gold two ways is better than three ways.

Like most good Peckinpah movies, this one's full of some colorful characters.  They spend one night in a farmer's barn.  The farmer, Joshua Knudson, is played by Peckinpah regular, R.G. Armstrong.  He's the kind of character that often shows up in his films.  Bible fearing, apt to quote scripture at the dinner table, dead wife, etc.  I could be wrong, and it's been a while since I seen it, but I think Armstrong plays the exact same type of guy in Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid.  I'll let you know when I watch it again.  Well, this Knudson fellow also happens to have a lovely,  young, tom-boyish daughter named Elsa.  If you read my previous entry in this series, you can only imagine what kind of shit she endures.

Eventually, our three gold transporters make it to Coarsegold with Elsa in tow.  Long story, but Elsa is somewhat betrothed to a miner in town and decided to run away from home after her father slapped her around.  Course, she was talking to Heck at the time, so in Joshua's eyes, she deserved it.  Slut.  Anyway, she's to marry this guy in town named Billy Hamlin.  Unbeknownst to her, Billy's got four brothers, all scum bags.   One of those scum bags is another Peckinpah regular, L.Q. Jones.  It's possible you know him as the director of A Boy and His Dog.  It's probable that you don't.  Another brother, my favorite brother, is named Henry and played by Warren Oates (yep, you guessed it, another Peckinpah regular).  Oates doesn't clean up too well.  In preparation for Billy and Elsa's wedding (to happen that very night she wanders into town) the brothers drop him in a trough.  So, Elsa's to be married and, apparently, whored out by her new husband to his four brothers.  Meanwhile, Steve, Gil, and Heck continue into town to collect their gold. 

Well, shit, sometimes the good movies are the hardest to write about.  And this one's pretty great.  The script is simple, yet fairly profound.  We got lots of great dialogue like when Judd talks about the younger generation: "Boy's now adays.  No pride, no self respect....all gall and no sand."  There's not much in the picture's technique that makes me think Peckinpah; we got no slow motion (he still hasn't worked up to that yet), we got no shooting of mirrors, we got no freeze frames.  It's all in the feel.  There's a sadness hanging over every frame.  The dying of the west, a new breed of men taking it over, things becoming more cut throat, friendship meaning less than the ever loving dollar, etc.  Also, women still getting smacked around.  Some things are timeless, I guess.

The score is nearly iconic.  Fuck, it's great and wasn't even a Jerry Fielding score.  It's by George Bassman who did things like The Wizard of Oz and The Road to Zanzibar.  The script (which Peckinpah was actually allowed to tinker with before shooting) is chock full of great little character moments.  Like the scene where Judd lectures Heck about littering on the mountain.  I particularly liked the drunken judge who, upon marrying Billy and Elsa, says "a good marriage is like a rare animal, hard to find."  Then Billy takes Elsa into the honeymoon suite to begin their, ahem, consensual consumation only to be knocked out cold by a falling bookshelf.  Of course, in to the honeymoon suite struts two of his brothers, more than prepared to uphold that value which the Hamlin family holds most dear, the value of sharing.

A late night rescue ensues, followed by a flight across the mountains, pursuit by those idiot Hamlins, betrayal, mountaintop gunfights, escape into the valley, and....spoiler....ultimate tragedy.  The very end of the film is moving in the way that most great films are.  It's legitimate.  It's earned.  The last image, of Judd looking up into the high country, should be famous.  We rode with these characters and we cared for them.  They're not two dimensional (well, maybe Elsa...and the Hamlins).  The one who surprised me the most was Heck Longtree who evolved into a god damned, fully formed individual by the time this thing ended.  And then there's Warren Oates, who, in the middle of a hectic, edge of your seat, fight for your life, climactic gun battle starts shooting the heads off of bothersome chickens.  Ah, that's so Peckinpah.

Next up:  Charlton Heston tries to run Peckipah through with a sword

Motifs: aging men in changing times, friendship, betrayal, drinking, abused women, shooting the heads off of chickens

Peckinpah regulars:  R.G. Armstrong, L.Q. Jones, Warren Oates

Beginnings and Endings: Sam Peckinpah's The Deadly Companions (1961)

I'm going to attempt something a little different going forward.  I'm going to trace the careers of varying directors, see how they evolve (or, in some cases, devolve).  For the most part, I'll pick directors that are not so widely known.  Maybe a guy (or gal) that only had a few films to their credit.  In some cases, I'll write up each film in their filmography.  In other cases (probably with Peckinpah) I'll only pick out some of their pictures, the ones deemed important (by me, anyway).  I'll try to pick up on things like motifs (snooty critic term for recurring themes) and other directoral touches that appear from time to time.  I don't know, we'll see how far I take this thing.  I might begin and end with Sam Peckinpah.

I'm sure we're all aware of the story of Sam Peckinpah, the barely functioning alcoholic auteur (another fancy critical term I'll be abusing) who drank like a fish, verbally and physically abused the women in his life and made sure all his transgressions ended up on screen.  Eventually, he succumbed to his drinking at the age of 59 which, considering how much he drank, should be considered a ripe old age.  Yet, despite his temper, his drinking, his physical altercations, he maintained several relationships that lasted until his death.  Some of his friends even loved him, claimed he was misunderstood, etc.  He worked with the same actors over and over.  Guys like Warren Oates, L.Q. Jones, R.G. Armstrong, James Coburn, Kris Kristoferson, Slim Pickens, Steven McQueen, etc.  Not many women worked with him more than once though.  Not many women had important roles in his pictures.  The women in his pictures were rarely what could be considered strong.  Almost always subservient to their men.  Whores, harlots, prostitutes, rape victims, etc.  I'm getting a little redundant here.  Point is, Peckinpah apparently had a problem with women.  I'm not for advocating most of his views.  I mean, I like a little gun violence from time to time but demeaning women ain't really my thing.  It's just not a very politically correct thing to do, even for a guy like me.  I love women.  However, it doesn't change the fact that the man knew how to shoot and put together a picture.  Some of what he created are outright masterpieces.  Others, brilliantly flawed.  Some, interesting failures.  Very few can be considered mediocre.  Some might be awful, but worth a viewing.  Maybe one or two are hilariously bad.  In his later years, he was supposedly too drunk to make it to many of his sets so whichever picture he was shooting at the time had to be shot by someone else (usually James Coburn).  Eventually, the drink claimed his life.  Thankfully, he left behind some pretty great shit (I'm referring to his movies).

Anyway, Peckinpah's first film, The Deadly Companions, doesn't feel much like a Peckinpah picture at all.  It's the story of an ex-Union soldier named Yellowleg (played by Brian Keith) who comes into a typical western town with his two companions (I'm guessing they're pretty deadly), named Billy and Turkey.  Their plan: to rob a bank.  However, before they can get to robbing the joint some other hoodlum already started robbing it.  There's a shootout and amidst the chaos a little boy is shot and killed.  Turns out this little boy is the son of the town harlot (Maureen O'hara - a pretty big name since even I heard of her).  And the killing bullet was revealed to have shot out of Yellowleg's pistol.  The harlot, her name's Kit, beset by grief, decides to journey across Apache country to bury her son with his father in a small, long abandoned, town called Sorenko (or some shit like that).  Yellowleg, beset by guilt, offers to guide her safely through Apache country.  Of course, Kit isn't too thrilled with him so she doesn't accept his offer.  He follows her, determined to protect her, along with his two companions; the grizzled old Turkey (Chill Wills - heard of him too) and the young, brash Billy (some guy, can't be bothered to look him up).

Now, I'm no Peckinpah expert.  I mean, I've seen a bunch of his pictures, read his biography called "Bloody Sam", and refreshed my brain by skimming on the wikipedia.  Maybe that does make me a scholar of the guy, I don't know.  My guess is not.  What I do know is the guy had some serious issues.  He was a boozer, a womanizer, a drug user, prone to violence, fits of rage, etc.  Anyway, typical issues and shit.  This kind of shit is always showing up in his movies too.  His characters always drink, push around women, and shoot other characters, usually in artsy slow motion.  When I say "push around women" what I meant to say was forcibly have sex with them to the point where the woman actually starts to enjoy it.  See, what did I say?  The guy's a real sweetheart. 

Also, the guy (Peckinpah, again) has a thing against mirrors.  He likes to have his characters look at themselves in a mirror and then shoot out the mirror.  I guess they don't like what they see.  It's some sort of metaphor or something.  Guy shooting a mirror is a guy figuratively shooting himself.  See, that's pretty artsy.  To be honest, I only remember one other movie of his where a guy shoots a mirror.  It's right at the end of Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid when Garrett shoots himself in a mirror after killing the Kid.  Sorry, for the spoiler there.  Garrett shoots, and kills, Bill the Kid.  I hope you've already seen the movie.  I'm sure there was a similar mirror scene in The Wild Bunch (but I don't remember it) and maybe in Straw Dogs.  There's no way Dustin Hoffman could have liked looking at himself in the mirror after what happens to Susan George in that movie.  Anyway, in The Deadly Companions the Billy character shoots himself in a mirror at the beginning of the picture.  They're in a saloon and he and Yellowleg have just rescued Turkey from being strung up after cheating at cards.  This mirror shooting scene is one of a few Peckinpah touches in this movie. 

From what I read about this picture, Peckinpah had no input on the script or control in the editing room (I guess that's why we got no slow motion shootouts).  Apparently, he wasn' even allowed to talk to his leading lady.  So, any of his touches probably had to be smuggled into the movie, so to speak.  I'm sure he told Billy to shoot that mirror even though it likely wasn't in the script.  Weird aside:  I remember reading that Peckinpah used to get drunk and shoot out mirrors in his house.  Not sure if this is true or not.  If it is, he really had a thing against mirrors.  Wonder if Martin Sheen drunkenly Tai Chi'ing that mirror in the beginning of Apocalypse Now was some sort of homage to the guy?   What's the subject again?  Oh yeah, those Peckinpah touches.  Let's just say that the character of Kit was a typical Peckinpah lady.  A whore, devoid of competence, constantly needing to be saved, a target of sexual violence, incapable of driving a stage coach across even the smallest of streams, etc.  Of course, since Peckinpah had no input on the script and couldn't even talk to O'hara he probably had some go between tell her what he wanted.  Or, maybe he used telepathy.  Or, maybe this type of female character was more common in the old style westerns which, let's be honest, this sort of is.

So, let's get something straight.  After Yellowleg kill's Kit's son, she eventually, albeit reluctantly, agrees to let him drive her stage coach?  She agrees to let his two deadly companions come along as well even though the younger one is constantly cracking wise about how he's going to get with her?  The old west was a strange place, a place where women were pretty much good for one thing.  Whoring themselves out, apparently.  Or gossipping in church about women whoring themselves out even though they, themselves, were probably turning tricks out behind church as soon as service got out.  Or maybe during the sermon they snuck out to give nickel handjobs or something.  The west was a fucked up and pretty great place I must confess.  Nah, I'm just kidding.  It was only so-so.  I'm sure none of the whores (the movie's word, not mine) back then looked anything like Maureen O'hara.

Well, I'm now going to talk about something that will make any women readers out there (Do you even exist?) a bit uncomfortable.  Peckinpah really, I mean really, had it in for women.  He had it so far in for them (bad choice of words?) that almost all of his sex scenes would (by modern standards) be considered rape on some level.  That's bad enough.  It gets worse.  Not only do a bunch (all?) of his female characters get raped but they usually end up getting...ahem...into it.  We're talking moaning, some oohing, some ahhing, etc.  Does Peckinpah believe that women enjoy rape?  It sure seems like he might.  Is he going to be winning any feminist of the year awards anytime soon?  Probably not, but that's because he's dead.  Also, a misogynist.  I wish I remembered more details about his personal life to provide some insight here.  I could make some shit up if you'd like?  Anyway, Kit doesn't get raped, but she does get almost-raped.  At no point does she seem to enjoy her almost-rape and then she is saved by Yellowleg.  I bet you assumed the almost rapist was a sex starved Apache?  Racist.  No, clearly it was Billy.  If Peckinpah had been able to rewrite the script we definitely would have had Yellowleg save Kit only to push her down and ravish her himself.  That's just the kind of hero he should be, is what Peckinpah probably was thinking to himself.

Well, shit, I'm running a bit long on a picture that isn't very Peckinpah and was actually pretty mediocre.  I only included it because I wanted to show how he began.  As a gun for hire.  That's pretty much the same way he ended (see The Osterman Weekend).   The picture's only interesting in showing where a legendary director began.  Otherwise, it would be forgotten by just about everyone (it likely has been).  It's poorly shot, the night scenes (of which there are many, including an absolutely incomprehensible Apache raid of the companion's camp) are horrendously lit, the acting ranges from slightly over the top (the guy that plays Billy) to homeless man's John Wayne (Brian Keith).   Speaking of Yellowleg, there's an interesting bit about his hat.  It's kind of a motif (there's that word again) throughout the movie.  Why does he refuse to take it off?  Even in church?  The reveal is pretty ridiculous and then I forgot all about it.  Also, he wanted revenge on the guy who was responsible for him never wanting to take off his hat.  Could be his barber.  I really don't recall.  The old west was known for barbers giving out bad haircuts.  That's why everyone wore hats.  Even the women had bonnets and shit.

Oh, one other thing I sorta liked.  Yellowleg had a "ball" (old west term for bullet) lodged in his shoulder.  So, his gun arm was pretty useless.  It lead to some pretty embarassing moments of him dropping his pistol when confronted by Billy, etc.  The last shootout also shows him to be a pretty bad shot.  That's one more theme in these Peckinpah flicks.  Flawed heroes.  Although, most of them can shoot straight.  I don't think many other Peckinpah "heroes" would have much time for this Yellowleg fellow.  Also, he's got "yellow" in his name.  It's pretty fucking obvious.

Anyway, this is where Sam Peckinpah started (excluding his television work).  A mostly shitty movie with only a few of his trademarks (mirror shootings, abused women).  Also, there's a church service, I alluded to earlier, that takes place in a bar.  I guess the church hasn't been built yet.  I liked how the bartender had to pull blinds over the nudie pictures adorning the tavern walls because the pastor didn't appreciate them as much on sundays as he did on other days.  Not sure if that was Peckinpah or not, but it sure felt like it was.  This one just feels small and stagey.  The score isn't by Jerry Fielding so we can surmise that it's a non-iconic, typical Westerny, middling affair.  The wide open west, in this picture, is not so wide open.  This one's on Netflix instant.  Don't bother checking it out unless you're some sorta ridiculous completist.

Next up:  Peckinpah's first masterpiece (I'll get to it when I get to it).

Motifs:  aging men in changing times, abused women, drinking, shooting oneself in a mirror, betrayal

Peckinpah regulars:  Chill Wills

Red Sun (1972)

I guess the best thing I can say about this picture is it was serviceable. Serviceable doesn't really cut it, however, when your picture stars Charles Bronson and Toshiro Mifune. It also stars Alain Delon who I probably should know, but, after looking over his imdb page it turns out I don't. Ursula Andress is also in this thing and pretty attractive. She gets naked in this picture so I'm gonna change her name to Ursula Undress. See what I did there? Clever.

Anyway, it's been a couple weeks since I saw this one. If I'm gonna keep reviewing a movie a day during the week then I gotta pick something so this one wins out. I remember enjoying it. It takes place sometime in the late nineteenth century. A Japanese ambassador travels to the United States with a couple samurai guards accompanying him. This being the nineteenth century we can assume (and then have confirmed by watching the movie) that he takes a boat across the Pacific to California and then hops on a train to take him to Washington, D.C. Once there, he'll present the President (I don't know...Arthur or Garfield or something) with a ceremonial sword on behalf of the emperor. Oh yeah, and one of the Samurai's with him is Yojimobo, in the flesh.

Well, no one told these guys about the wild west 'cause as soon as they board the train a bunch of rough and tumble outlaws come on board with guns. Since guns are better than swords they steal the sword (maybe diamonds too, but I can't remember). One of Yojimbo's buddies doesn't like the idea of being disgraced so he goes after one of the bandits and gets shot dead (off screen). Oh, and two of the bandits are played by Delon and Bronson only Delon betrays Bronson and makes off with the sword (and maybe diamonds). This leaves Bronson to, reluctantly, team up with Yojimbo and pursue Delon. They have a time limit (couple weeks) after which Yojimbo will be forced to kill himself (seppuku). Plenty of time for some Rush Hour like hilarity. Oh, and Andress fits in here somewhere as Delon's lover who is also willing to whore herself out to Bronson as long as it benefits her somehow.

My favorite parts are the ones with Bronson and Mifune walking through the desert, in pursuit of Delon. Bronson creates such a likable character (sorry, forgot his name) that even though he'd kill Mifune if the opportunity came up we still root for him (not to kill Mifune, but to at least stay alive). He spends the first thirty minutes or so trying to get away. Mifune is pretty persistent. And, so is Bronson. Bronson keeps coming at Mifune who keeps beating him down. Bronson pushes Mifune off a mountain but he makes it back before Bronson's gone ten feet. Neither gives up. That's why we like them. Later, of course, they come to respect each other and ultimately become friends.

Unfortunately, while this picture has two guys that worked with Sergio Leone and Akira Kurosawa, it doesn't have anyone on the other side of the camera with Leone's or Kurosawa's sense of style. Which is why I labeled this thing "serviceable" earlier. The director worked on a couple of early James Bond pictures and then some other shit I never heard of. He's good, but not exactly an artist. Not too many beautiful wide shots and lots of poorly staged fights. Yojimbo fights an Indian at one point, one on one, so maybe the director is comparing the plight of the Indians to the plight of the Samurai. Sorry, Native Americans?

Anyway, it's a good one but if you want to see a movie with a similar theme and a better story I'd suggest Hell in the Pacific where Mifune plays a Japanese soldier during World War II marooned on an island with Lee Marvin. Mifune doesn't speak a word of English and the filmmakers don't bother translating, yet it's still a terrific performance. He's better there than here is what I'm getting at. So, I recommend this one as long as you lower your expectations.

McCabe and Mrs. Miller (1971)

Poor kid. I'm referring to Keith Carradine's nameless cowboy who drifts into the town of Presbyterian Church looking to lose his virginity and leaves (spoiler) as a corpse half submerged in an icy river. The picture's not really about him. He has maybe five minutes of actual screen time and, yet, from the moment he steps into the whorehouse until he is shot dead he brought an injection of life the picture was in need of. His cowboy is just a kid. A gullible (some might say dumb), innocent kid with a wide and goofy smile. He carries a gun, but, as he tells his eventual killer, "I couldn't hit nothin' with it". His death is more heartbreaking, and meaningful, than any in the picture. Finally, here, amidst all this dreariness, is a character we like. Everyone likes the kid. Even the whores he paid. When he attempts to leave town and buy some supplies he must cross a bridge to get to the store. On the other side, awaits a bored (previously seen shooting at a can in the river) gunman, also a kid, younger than Carradine. Any other Western would have presented Carradine's "aw-shucks" demeanor as just an act. Not this one. Nope, in Robert Altman's McCabe and Mrs. Miller there are no heroes.

So, I got mixed feelings about this one. I'll be honest here. The only Altman I've seen are Popeye and Mash and I saw those when I was a kid. This picture opens with a gambler (that would be McCabe played by a nearly unrecognizable Warren Beatty) riding into town, winning some money, and then opening a whorehouse which is later managed by Julie Christie. Later, some men come into town looking to buy the whorehouse. McCabe refuses. Men react by hiring some gunmen to kill him (including the kid that killed Carradine). This being an Altman movie (I hear this is his style and have to concur after watching this), everything is naturalistic, we got long moments of muted conversation or even silences. The set design is wonderfully filthy (and therefore seems authentic) and we've got non period songs by the likes of Leonard Cohen. Lots of improvising on this picture I'm sure and, to be honest, some genuine boredom on the part of this viewer. Yeah, I'm calling myself out. I didn't appreciate this "masterpiece" quite as much as I'd hoped.

What Altman has done is present us a snow bound "wild west" type town completely devoid of heroism. Beatty is very good as McCabe but he's not exactly someone that lives by a code, unless it's the code of "do whatever it takes to stay alive". The picture doesn't round into form until the moment Carradine's cowboy is killed and then we have long scenes of McCabe awkwardly running from building to building desperately trying to escape being shot. He shoots the first gunmen he sees directly in the back so we know this guy is no Eastwood or John Wayne. He shoots the next guy he sees through a window and also in the back. McCabe is a coward but I guess Altman is saying that most of us would pull the same shit, and I can't disagree. Nobility has left Presbyterian Church. Hell, even the town minister threatens to shoot McCabe if he doesn't leave the "sanctuary" of his church. Guess he doesn't practice the parts of the bible about not turning your back on a fellow man. I haven't read it, but I'm sure there are parts like that in there.

Then the church burns as Julie Christie sits in an opium den. Wouldn't be surprised if Altman and his cast and crew partook (basing this statement on reputation...since I wasn't there). Anyway, this is a strange picture. I guess that ultimately I liked it. The beginning meanders too much for my tastes. Too much drifting in and out of conversations, too little focus. It's weird 'cause I'm a huge fan of Terrence Malick, who has a similar style often to the Nth degree, but I just had trouble getting into this one. However, the end establishes itself as a mini-masterpiece where McCabe struggles to survive amongst some drifting snow and Christie (oh yeah, she was Mrs Miller) continues to get high on Opium. Also, there was lots of nudity. So, I guess between the so-so beginning and the masterful ending let's just split the difference and call this one good.

Four of the Apocalypse (1975)

Here's a strange little spaghetti western that could be considered revisionist if anyone had bothered to see it. Lucio Fulci (Zombi 2, The Beyond, etc) has crafted a somber, elegiac, and often moving story about four strangers who must band together to survive the rugged terrain that is the American West. Of course, this being a Fulci picture there's no shortage of blood, grue, being skinned alive, cannibalism, and perhaps some violence of a carnal nature.

The titular "four" meet in a jail cell in the small town of Salt Flats, Utah. The hero of the story, Stubby Preston, travels there to win some money playing cards. His reputation preceeds him, however, and the sheriff throws him in jail after burning his five decks of marked cards. The three other characters await Stubby in the jail cell. There's Bunny, the pregnant whore with a heart of gold. We've got Clem (Michael Pollard of Bonnie & Clyde, also Tango & Cash) as the wild eyed drunk. And finally, there's the lone black man in the cast named Bud. Unfortunately, not much progress had been made in Italian cinema by this point in time so Bud was portrayed as a bit of a simpleton who sees dead people. Not a ton of nuance to this particular character.

Anyway, little do they know that Salt Flats is looked upon as a town of sinners by a group of vigilantes that wear white sashes over their heads. While they sit in jail, the town is massacred as the sheriff sits idly by shoveling his stew into his mouth. We got a pretty decent scene of carnage here, gamblers and drunks alike gunned down, whore runners hung from the neck until they be dead, and so on. I guess the sheriff has a heart since he eventually lets the four out the back, gives them a horse and carriage and shoos them off across the desert.

This picture is basically one damned episode after the other. Stubby and Clem nearly come to blows when Clem drinks Stub's toilet water thinking it was alcohol. When Bunny is revealed to be pregnant, Stubby isn't too pleased..."li'l bitch thinks she's gonna hold us back?" They encounter a group of bible toters of the "joyful church of the living christ" who, it turns out, carry no weapons but the ever loving "word of god." We can figure out what happens to them easily enough. There's an encounter with the villainous Chaco, a Charles Manson type figure, that doesn't end too well. Chaco comes and goes, haunting the picture , committing various atrocities here and there. In one scene, he gets everyone high on peyote, ties them up, rapes poor Bunny, shoots Clem in the leg, and then leaves them to bake in the sun. So, yeah, he's not always an endearing character.

This is a weird, almost aimless, movie that somehow manages to be compelling. The appearance of Chaco actually manages to be funny. The group is sitting on a river bed, celebrating Bunny's birthday, when a couple of shots ring out. Chaco struts into their midst, with his rifle down low, the hilt by his crotch and the barrel suddenly standing straight up. He rubs Stubby's face with it and asks to join the group saying "wherever you go, you'll always have meat". Did I say funny? I think I meant gay. Turns out Chaco is an expert hunter. He joins them on their quest (to what ends, I'm still not sure), shooting fowl along the way while Bud (the lone black man, remember) runs off into the fields to retrieve them (progress, people, progress). All this scored to some trippy folk shit by some band called The Benjamin Franklin Group. We got songs like "movin on", "bunny", "stubby", etc....some real Bob Dylan or Simon & Garfunkel type shit. Only shitty. So, I guess that's one issue with the picture. The music (at least the songs) are all wrong.

Still, we got some very effective scenes like the one where Chaco skins the bounty hunter alive and then sticks his deputy badge in the poor guy's bare chest. That's also the scene where the "four of the apocalypse" maybe realize that this Chaco guy isn't right for their little group. Then there's the rape, the being left for dead, etc that really cements it. Anyway, there's a great scene that delves into horror when the four come upon a ghost town where it never stops raining. They dry themselves by the fire, naked, while Bud hits up the local cemetery to make some new friends. They try eating some mice, Clem succumbs to his leg wound, and then Bud brings in some pretty sweet looking meat all of a sudden that I wouldn't even think to question until looking in an adjacent home and finding Clem with a big hole in his left ass cheek. As you can imagine, the four of the apocalypse is very soon down to two. Of the apocalypse.

I think what I appreciated most was the lack of a true hero in this thing. Not one of these four carries a gun. When one character uses one in a climactic moment it's clear he's got no idea what he's doing. Hell, the guy uses both hands, so the idea clearly was not to make him (Let's face it, it's Stubby, everyone else is probably dead or talking to the dead or giving birth somewhere) into an iconic character like Django or Eastwood. This is about 4 regular stereotypes like you or me and two other people trying to traverse some barren desert type scenery and not get killed in the process.

There's a scene in a snowbound mountain town that could be from an entirely different movie. Stubby brings Bunny here to give birth to her child. Only problem, it's a town full of rugged men, no women, and a drunk doctor. Fuck man, it's incredibly moving to see these salty old dogs warm to the idea of a child being born into their midst. Oh, sure, at first they act all tough and shit saying things like "this is man's country!" and "hell, if we want a whore we'll just head on down to Salt Flats or wherever and buy us one". Then, in a masterfully shot scene, we see the look on their faces as the sound of a baby crying can be heard from inside the manger or stock house or wherever it was and the camera pans back. Later, the men line up to see the baby, present it with donations, name the thing Lucky, and try to "figure out which one of us he looks like the most."

So, what we have here is something other than a traditionally satisfying western. Oh, sure, there's a scene tacked on where Stubby gets his revenge but the picture had really ended, for me, before that final moment where Stubby stands over a pathetic Chaco uttering lame poker metaphors like "you overplayed your hand" or "you never split a pair of tens" or, well, maybe that's black jack. Anyway, we don't need to see this revenge because the picture up until this point was more about things like surviving. Revenge is nice enough and all, but not very realistic for this Stubby guy. I mean, it's just not believable that he could waltz in on Chaco's camp aiming his pistol with two hands and take out Chaco and his two compadres. There's no way Stubby is a match for a sleeping Chaco, let alone one who's groggily waking up. And I guess let's just ignore the luck of him blindly stumbling upon his camp. Or, if it wasn't so "blindly", I guess I want to know when he become a capable tracker?

Despite my issues with that final scene this is still a pretty good one. Sorry if I spoiled too much of it. We got a well shot picture here with lots of blood, some humor, some beauty, some bizarreness, some decent dubbing, some restored gore footage, and a nice little moment where four (carriage riders) of the apocalypse place bets on a beetle race in a jail cell. The only scene in the picture involving living creatures (excepting horses and a person or two) not being gunned down by Chaco. He shoots birds, drunks, rabbits, bible toters, children, a dead fish, dogs, etc. Something for everyone.

Blind Justice (1994)

I'm a big fan of IMDB. Usually, they get things right. I especially enjoy reading their film trivia and sometimes I'll even check out their "goofs" link. Basically, someone takes the time to point out continuity errors or plot holes. This can be fun to read but also disheartening when a favorite picture is picked apart. Anyway, they have one plot hole listed for this movie I watched called Blind Justice: "Most of the activities that Canaan (blind hero of Blind Justice) performs throughout the movie, especially shooting and keeping his horse on course, would be impossible for a blind or nearly blind man to do". This is an idiotic point to make. I mean, the point of the picture is that the guy is blind. His other senses are heightened; smell, hearing, etc. Next they will say that Zatoichi, or Nick Parker for that matter, can't wield those swords for the point of anything other than comedy. I suppose it would be funny, and a completely different movie, if Canaan never hit anything with his guns. It would also be a good message to send out to the blind. I guess IMDB probably thinks the blind ain't reading their site. I don't know if braille computer screens have been invented yet. Maybe there's some kind of audio component they can use? Anyway, it's ridiculous to point out a plot hole when that plot hole is the point of the movie is my point.

This is a good one, an HBO original production, bigger than TV, somewhat smaller than a real movie. Armand Assante stars as Canaan, a bounty hunter traveling across the West with an infant in tow. A Civil War veteran with an axe to grind. Also, Blind. His purpose is to return the infant to her mother. His character is like a cross between Al Swearengen (similar mannerisms and also similar voice) and Fenster (mumbles a lot), minus the cocksuckers. The picture was inspired, loosely, by Jonah Hex (DC Comics bounty hunter of the old west, soon to be a movie starring Josh Broilin). They're both disfigured Civil War vets working as bounty hunters in the Old West. That's about where the comparisons end. I guess he's also sorta like that Zatoichi guy, being blind and all. The difference is that Canaan's blindness isn't really played for laughs. They even threw in a little Ogami Ito (Lone Wolf & Cub) into the mix except Canaan carries around an infant as opposed to a toddler. Also, no babycart. Also, this infant is a girl and doesn't help Canaan out the way little Daigoro helped out Ogami. Is this picture sexist or just pointing out that infants are useless? Well, this is a pretty fun performance by Assante. In his first scene, he is circled by some banditos. They make fun of his disability, shoot their guns in the air, cackle, etc. The leader gets off his horse and Canaan asks him to hold the baby. He then shoots the horsed banditos (I think there were four of them), turns to the leader and says "much obliged" as he takes the baby back. Good introduction to the character.

Well, those banditos had ties to an even larger band of banditos led by Robert Davi. Davi is a guy you'll be familiar with even if you don't recognize the name. He's been in Predator 2, Die Hard, Raw Deal, Action Jackson, and so on. A member of the "that guy" action hall of fame I'm sure if such a hall of fame exists. It's a pretty juicy role, something Davi's not used to. His gang comes across the guy humiliated by Canaan in the opening scene (and left alive). The guy begs for water and Davi tells his #1 enforcer (MC Gainey, another "that guy") to "give him a drink". He dismounts, unbuckles his pants, and pisses all over him. This guy has had a terrible couple of days. Embarrassed by a blind man and now on the receiving end of a golden shower from a guy that doesn't look too clean. To top it all off, Davi blows his head off with a shotgun. Crappy way to go out. Speaking of crap, Davi also said "he looks hungry too" after Gainey pissed all over him. I'm glad we didn't have to put up with a brown shower scene. That would have been pushing the envelope a little too much.

Like most westerns, this one involves a town under siege (by Davi's banditos). Canann sides with the town (in exchange for 200 silver pieces courtesy of the U.S. Government). The town is occupied by some calvary led by Adam "I'm not a Baldwin" Baldwin (he was in "firefly"). Also, Elisabeth Shue is in this before she was in Leaving Las Vegas and after Cocktail. She should probably stick to playing hookers or cocktail waitresses or something because she's pretty bad in this role. We do get to see the nipple on her right breast though so that's something. The town's also got a priest and an Indian. The Indian wasn't really a character at all. Just someone we could laugh at I guess. Every town in the old west needs one, a drunken bafoon who never really speaks, makes funny faces, and so on. He does save Canaan's life at one point, so that's something. Jack Black appears briefly as a calvary private. It's crazy that this guy, before he was even a name, could land a part in a western where he pretty much just plays himself for two minutes. I mean, I like the guy, think he can be funny. Still, this is a fucking western. Why have Jack Black appear for two minutes, do his shtick, and then just disappear from the movie entirely? It was a little strange.

There's not too much backstory on this Canaan character and that's just as well. It's better to be mysterious. What little we learn, we get through his dream sequences. There's a battle. He's fighting for the north. There's a little girl caught in a crossfire. Canaan wants to help her but his commanding officer orders him back into formation at gunpoint. Then an explosion, girl dies, Canaan is blinded I guess. So, we can understand why he has such a low regard for authority figures, why he tends to work alone, why he cares for this mysterious infant, and, also why he's blind. All wrapped up neatly in a 2-3 minute dream (spread throughout the film). Luckily, this guy sleeps a lot. He gets shot, crucified, etc...so plenty of time for fever dreams. We never did find out how the guy can get his horse to go to the right place (IMDB may have been right to question this I begrudgingly admit). When first we see him, he's on foot. He's not completely blind though. He sees things in shades of milky white, not dark, so who knows? Could just be a really smart horse or maybe Canaan talks to him like the Beastmaster?

I wanted to comment briefly on Canaan's gunfighting skills. He's no "man with no name" I guess in that he moves around a lot, as if he can actually dodge bullets. He does a lot of rolls, etc. Eastwood characters were smart enough to know you couldn't dodge the bullets, you just had to be a quicker draw than the other guy. I guess that's one aspect of Canaan I didn't really get into. I mean, he's blind so he's probably pretty quick like Daredevil or Zatoichi. What's with all that movement? I like an economy of action in my blind characters is what I'm saying. This guy can be a bit of a show off. Having said that, I still enjoyed the character. He overcame a lot of adversity to get where he is today (150 or so years ago). Also, a bit of a drunkard and cigar addict. Two solid traits in a western hero.

This is the part of my review where, if I was smarter, I'd discuss the religious implications of the picture. Canaan is a name from the bible I believe. Was he blind in the bible? At one point, the Indian is stoned by some racist townies. Canaan is crucified. The priest is duplicitous. Profit, not compassion for your fellow man, rules the day. I don't know, it's all in there. You figure out what it means. I'm not the right guy to ask. Haven't read the bible since the time I brought it to school in the 5th grade to read during study hall and then the teacher called my Mom to see if I was ok. Not a normal thing to do I guess, so I never picked it up again. I think I barely made it through "genesis" anyway, so no big deal. Comic books were the way to go is the lesson I learned. I should have read some "Jonah Hex" come to think of it. Instead, I kept reading that same issue of Yusagi Yojimbo that I had. Religion played no role in that one from what I remember, but he was a bunny, whatever that means.

I'll wrap this one up by saying it's worth a watch. It's not going to blow your mind or anything. It's not one of the better westerns I've seen but it's got a great central character, a disreputable villain, a Jack Black scene, and also Elisabeth Shue's right breast so we know it could be worse. If you don't mind your westerns with lots of close up shots and limited shots of John Ford-ish wide open vistas then this one gets a pass.

Undead Or Alive (2007)

Damn, these guys beat me to the punch. I've been kicking the idea of a zombie western around for a while now. My picture would center around your standard "old west" town infected by your run of the mill outer space zombie plague. It would feature typical characters from western lore; saloon keeper, whores, lawmen, a preacher, a doctor, etc. In addition, it would also feature two legends of the west, Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid. Finally, we'd learn how their story really comes to an end. I've already pictured the final confrontation between Garrett and zombie Billy, scored to Dylan's "Knockin on Heaven's Door" (likely covered by some unknown band). It would have been glorious and, I must add, played COMPLETELY straight. Perhaps, after a few years have passed, and the taste from Undead Or Alive has been warshed away, I might git back to it.

I'm sorry if I made this thing sound terrible. It's not. Really. Ball cancer is terrible. Undead Or Alive is just not what I wanted out of the first Zombie Western. First of all, it stars Chris Kattan (Corky Romano). It's pedigree isn't all bad I suppose. The writer and director, Glasgo Phillips, was a staff writer on South Park. Navi Rawat (as Sue the Apache) was in Feast. Brian Posehn (The Sarah Silverman Show) gives the film's best performance. Too bad he was a zombie the entire running time. The opening credits were nice, ripping off The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly by being shot off the screen. Too bad Morricone didn't provide the music, which was consistently bad in this thing. It ranged from early 90s adult contemporary (think Richard Marx) to cow-punk (think Meat Puppets, but only if they sucked).

I'm beginning to hate opening crawls, especially in comedy/horror films. This things got a doozy. It goes on and on about Geronimo who as "the most legendary defender of Native American Sovereignty" put a curse on all white people before he died. This was known as "white man's curse". The crawl is interrupted once, with the line "don't worry. the point where you have to read is almost over." It's gets funnier when, later in the film, zombies are referred to as "Geronimos" or, even better, "Geronimonsters". Of course they wouldn't be zombies, since they didn't exist yet.

The pre-title sequence, was my favorite scene since it involved my favorite character, Ben (Posehn). He's already a geronimonster at this point, but his family just think he's drunk. Again. Stumbling around, kicking at a chicken just like he always does until he bites the chicken's head off (which of course, drops to the ground and runs around. headless. haha).

The main players are Luke Bud (Corky Romano) and outlaw James Denton (Desperate Housewives) as Elmer. They're introduced to each other after sharing a jail cell. In the adjacent cell is Ben, taken in for sucking out his families brains through a straw. The Sheriff is the evil type played by Matt Besser (Upright Citizen's Brigade). He's provided some choice lines such as "say another word and I'm gonna shoot that jaw off your face. Then I'm gonna take a shit in your chin hole." Clearly, my second favorite character. His deputy is fittingly named Cletus and of course falls asleep when he's supposed to be watching the prisoners. Jailbreak ensues. Luke and Elmer make off with some money. Cletus and the Sherriff are bitten by Ben. In a funny scene, Ben is hanged for his crimes and we get to see what happens when you lynch a zombie (sort of). The Sheriff forms a posse to go after Luke and Elmer. That Posse soon becomes a zombie posse. Yada Yada Yada.

It may be a zombie-ridden Old West, but we've still seen most of this before. Navi Rawat then shows up as Geronimo's niece Sue and joins forces with Luke and Elmer. While I thought she was fun in Feast, she was out of her league in this one. She just didn't seem that into it. Nor did she show us her tits. In fact, the only tits we see in the whole danged thing are gernonimonster tits. Still, Rawat's appearence, does lead to a few funny exchanges between Luke and Elmer:

Luke: Do you think she likes me?
Elmer: I don't know. You never can tell with an indian.
Luke: Heck, I can't even tell with real people.

One thing I give the picture credit for is not going all CGI on their effects. As far as I could tell, with the exception of the headless chicken, everything was practical. Real makeup. Real decapitated heads. Well, not REAL heads, but real dummy heads. There's an amusing scene when our heroes herd a bunch of zombies like cattle. I liked the bond between Luke and his horse, Frisky. He even has a locket with both of their pictures, facing one another. Predictably, Frisky doesn't make it through the entire picture. Tragic scene, undercut by Elmer later, inadvertantly, using Frisky's leg to pack a cannon.

I'll be honest here. This thing reminded me of Almost Heroes. Remember that compulsively watchable film starring Chris Farley and Matthew Perry as explorers competing with Lewis & Clark? This has a similar tone and look. Which is to say, not really funny and pretty poorly shot. Yet, I still can't stop watching. If I'm flipping channels and come across Almost Heroes, I'm leaving that thing on until the end or at least the next commercial. The only difference is that this picture's got zombies and Chris Kattan, instead of Farley. And, I guess Denton instead of Perry. Also, Rawat instead of that other girl.

I liked a scene when Elmer got into an argument with Sue about white people and their contributions to Native American culture. "Before (white people) got here you was just a bunch of savages in diapers dragging your shit around with sticks and blankets." You know, I never thought about it like that. It made me completely forget Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee.

Conveniently, Sue is periodically remembering various aspects of her Uncle Gernoimo's curse. First, Gernonimonsters can track by scent. Later, she remembers that they never give up on their prey. Later still, she recalls a cure. You have to eat the living flesh of the medicine man who made the curse, but that doesn't help because he's long dead. Or, is there another way around this problem? The movie provides this answer in a wicked twist, an ACTUAL laugh inducing moment. Can you figure it out?

Undead or Alive is a diversion. I'll leave it at that. It caused me to laugh out loud maybe three of four times, which is more than I can say about most films. Towards the end, when death seems iminent and Corky turns to Sue and says "I want to have your half breed babies" I blew some soda out of my nose. It's almost worth it for that scene alone. The final scene, is a touching one, when we go back to my favorite character, Ben. He has reunited himself with his family not by being decapitated (which is the only way to stop a Gernonimonster) but by digging them up and setting them free.

Seriously, I'm all zombied out. How am I going to muster the energy to see Romero's Diary of the Dead? This is nothing more than a low rent Return of the Living Dead, minus the apocalyptic ending. Even the zombies, sorry Geronimonsters, talk in this one. Had it been played straight I might have enjoyed it more. I wonder what Geronimo would say if he saw this?

Django (1966)

Or, The Bad, the Badder, and the Baddest.

This is the movie for those of you that thought The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly was too long since it clocks in at a crisp 90 minutes. It's also far bloodier than Leone's masterpiece. Is it better? Not even close, but how could it be? The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly is, not only the best western ever made (fine, the best western i've ever seen since I certainly haven't seen every western ever made) but, one of the greatest of all pictures. I know there are those of you that prefer Leone's Once Upon a Time in the West and, believe me, it's hard to disagree with that choice. Still, Good, Bad, Ugly has the superior characterizations, score, and the final graveyard scene is perhaps the greatest standoff ever put to film. Of course, that's all my opinion and I would never really argue with anyone over this because I love both films.

Django is a spaghetti western that came out in 1966 (the same year as Good, Bad, Ugly). Some of the similarities are striking, so it's hard to believe one story did not influence the other. Both stories involve three central characters; an Eastwood-like stranger with a mysterious past, an "ugly" mexican bandito, and a steely eyed sharpshooter. There's also a plot involving stolen gold, as well as a spectacular final graveyard shoot out. Unlike the Leone films, however, this one chose to throw in a love interest for Django, one of Django's few faults (the movie AND the character).

In general, I prefer the spaghetti westerns to the hot dog and hamburger westerns. For authenticity, they blow away their hollywood counterparts. Of course, the dubbing is a problem for some. In Leone's pictures this was a neccessary evil since few of the actors spoke the same language. Still, these worlds look lived in. The characters look like they've actually lived IN them. I recently caught the 3:10 to Yuma remake, and while I liked the film, I couldn't help but notice how damned pretty some of the characters were, the beautiful woman bartender, Bale's wife, and, If I were more in touch with my sexuality, I might even offer Bale, himself. Also, Russell Crowe, perhaps Ben Foster. Hell, even Luke Wilson if you're into that type of thing. The hotel where they holed up before making the mad dash for the train was pristinely put together. In contrast, the characters in Django wear grime soaked beards, the whores are overweight and prone to coughing fits, the buildings look devestated by years of harsh weather and gunfights. Again, 3:10 to Yuma is good. Go see it. I'm just illustrating my point, whatever that may be.

Ok, Django. The picture opens with a lone stranger traversing a blighted landscape. This would be Django, played by Franco Nero (Enter the Ninja). The conditions are harsh, the land caked in mud. Django pulls a coffin behind him and carries his horseless saddle upon his shoulder. We assume he's a northern army civil war veteran because of his pants. Also, we're told this later on in the picture. An old timey (60s sounding) song cerenades us with his story. "Django. You must face another day. Django. Now your love has gone away". As he begins to descend a barren hill, he sees several mexicans tying up a beautiful red haired woman. They begin to whip her. Suddenly, we hear gunshots and the mexicans fall dead to the ground. We assume it was Django, but no, over an adjacent hill come five cowboys wearing red sashes. Unfortunately, the cowboys saved her so they could tie her to a cross and burn her. Their logic? "Burning's a lot better than getting beaten to death". To each his own, I guess. Django finally makes his approach. The picture wasn't titled "The Red Sash Five" so we can guess who doesn't walk away from this confrontation.

The girl Django saves is named Maria, played by Loredana Nusciak (Vendetta per Vendetta), and is strikingly beautful with her glorious red hair and green eyes. I just contradicted myself, didn't I? She's the ONLY beautiful thing in the picture. A key to most westerns are the eyes and boy does Loredana have an amazing pair of green ones. Nero's got great eyes as well, but enough about him. Loredana is up there with Claudia Cardinale. Since the movie was dubbed, I relied on the eyes to carry the acting for me. Quite frankly, the movie is full of awful lines, and worse line readings. We're subjected to painfully stale dialogue such as "a woman shouldn't be treated that way" and "That whore's got an ass sweeter n' Texas. Yahooo!" Perhaps, that last line wasn't in the final film, I can't remember.

Anyway, the movie revolves around three central players. The bad, the badder, and the baddest. These characters being Django, Major Jackson (the leader of the red sash army), and General Hugo (aka "Ugly"). Hugo and Jackson are vying for control of the town, with Django playing both sides (sound familiar?). Actually, Django never sides with Jackson. He was too busy destroying his "army", but more on that in a bit. These three men alternate between who is worse, although Django is on the path to redemption at least. After rescuing Maria, Django brings her into the town. It's currently being run by Major Jackson (aka Steely Eyes). Jackson (Eduardo Fajardo) is a biggoted prick. The war may be over, but he's running his own "private war" to eradicate the mexicans. Obviously a statement on the KKK, his men wear red sashes, red hoods, and carry burning crosses. Django enters the brothel run by the short, stout, cigar chomping Nathaniel (Angel Alvarez) who is clearly on board for comic relief. As Django enters, still pulling that coffin, followed by Maria, the record player skips and everyone turns to stare. Alright, there was NO record player, but if there was it would have happened just like this. The pianist did stop playing, however, but there was no skipping sound.

I mentioned Major Jackson being a racist prick. Besides the obvious (red hoodies, burning crosses), we know this because of a scene where he and his men release a penned up mexican one at a time, wait until he's far enough away so he thinks he has a chance at escape, and then shoot him. If you've seen Apocalypto, you might recall a similar scene. I think I liked this one better.

The 2nd gunfight between Django and Jackson's bafoons takes place in the brothel. It's a brilliant little eruption of violence where Django kills 5 more of the red sash bastards (one without even looking) in about 3 seconds. He leaves Jackson alive, however, and tells him to round up his remaining men (48, we're told) and to come back when he can give Django a fair fight. Yes, Django is an arrogant cocksucker and if Jackson were'nt so reprehensible I might actually be rooting against him.

Well, Jackson DOES bring his men back to town, but Django is waiting for him in the middle of main street. Here, we FINALLY get to see what's in the coffin. SPOILER ALERT!!!A god damned Howitzer, which unloads about 50 rounds per second. END SPOILER. So, Jackson's "army" lasts about 5. Seconds. Django again, somewhat inexplicably, leaves Jackson alive (He must know what he's doing, right?). We also now learn that Django has a sense of humor when he shoots Jackson's retreating horse, which causes Jackson to plunge face first into the mud, giving him the black face, which he clearly despises so much. Racist.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on whether you're racist or not, with Jackson's men out of the way, those dirty stinking (just kidding!) mexicans roar back into town. Their first act, in what I hear is a semi-famous scene, is to graphically cut off the ear of one of Jackson's men. Clearly, this inspired Tarantino's Reservoir Dogs, only they went a step further by making the poor son of a bitch eat his own ear before shooting him in the back. The mexicans point and cackle maniacally as the poor, misguided bastard is horribly murdered. Um....so...maybe this Jackson guy had a point, right? I mean, if these are the mexicans he's had to deal with, I can suddenly relate. Coulda done without the red hoods and burning crosses though. Seriously, good to have the mexicans back. We missed you.

It turns out the leader of the mexicans, General Hugo, and Django go way back; "This is Django! A murderer and an outlaw! But, he means more to me than a brother." At this point, Django's character becomes interesting because, to be frank, he turns into even more of an asshole than before. He starts belittling women (even Maria) and at one point, he shoots up poor Nathaniels bar as the mexicans drunkenly cheer him on. Actually, what he's doing is trying to win their trust. He needs them for a gold heist he's apparently had in the works for some time. This is what's great about Django. He's thinking three, four steps ahead. Your average Joe wouldn't be able to think ahead of the step involving the 50 KKK members coming at you with guns, but Django did. He's one of a kind.

The remaining picture involves that gold heist, a double cross and a jarring barroom brawl that employed Greengrass-like (Bourne Supremacy) shaky cam when Greengrass was still shitting his diapers. This fight is better though because it ends with an impaling. This is the first western I can remember since Blazing Saddles that features quicksand in a pivotal scene. There's also found love and lost love and found love again. At one point, Django endures one of the most savage beatings I've ever seen on film (at the hands of the mexicans). His hands are badly mangled, rendered completely useless. Yet, he still must think of a way to defeat Major Jackson (Yes, I knew there was a reason he let him live. Twice.) in a graveyard battle that needs to be seen to be believed (hmmm, I say that a lot, don't I?). Jackson, shows up with five men (so 6 total). Hmmm, six shooter? six men? Django is forced to improvise by using his mouth and some good ol' gravestone metalwork. Who won? Well, here's a hint. The movie spawned over 30 sequels. Nero wouldn't reprise the role until 1987 in Django 2.

Speaking of Django 2. It's the only sequel that gained the approval of this films director, Sergio Corbucci. Corbucci has directed such Italian classics (I've been told) as Mercenario (with Nero and Jack Palance) and Companeros (Nero). I'm definitely going to check these out. This is really a fine picture and, to be honest, if I had watched it with subtitles as opposed to dubbing, should not be reviewed by yours truly (at least, not on this site). It deserves mention with Leone's classics, although it's a step or two behind. The music is close to Morricone level, with lots of horns and plenty of bombast at appropriate times. Let's face it though. Django is no Blondie. Hugo is no Tuco and Jackson is CERTAINLY no Angel eyes. But, goddamn, if I'll ever get rid of that image of Django pulling that coffin behind him, that coffin which, Django eventually reveals, carries himself.

I think he was speaking metaphorically.