Orphan (2009)

If you've ever considered adoption as an option then this is probably not the picture for you. If you're a woman who had to carry a dead baby in your womb for a few weeks before expelling the fetus and also you had a problem with alcohol and maybe a husband who strayed once or twice in the past then this is definitely not the movie for you. Orphan will probably do for adopting nine year old Russian children what Jaws did for going in the water or what Alien did for breaking off return voyages to earth in order to investigate derelict space crafts. This is a surprisingly good movie.

Vera Farmiga (The Departed) stars as Kate Coleman, a woman in a so-so marriage to Peter Sarsgaard and also with two children, Max (a near-deaf mute girl) and Daniel. Kate and her husband don't seem very happy, especially with the whole carrying a dead baby to term thing, so it seems like the appropriate thing would be to take the love they were gonna give the dead baby and give it to some other child in need of love, perhaps an orphan or something. So, without further adieu, they hit up the local orphanage (run by nun CCH Pounder) and, after a brief bit of window shopping, decide on the seemingly brilliant, wise beyond her years, incredible painter, able to play Tchaikovsky and so on, 9 year old Russian girl with the odd, out dated manner of dressing, bow ties in her hair, incredible grasp of english, etc. I know what they were probably thinking. This girl may be weird but if she keeps developing at this rate she'll probably be worth millions. We're gonna be fucking rich, etc. Unfortunately, they're not aware of the spoiler that I'm not gonna spoil. Fuck, they ain't gonna get rich off this "little" brat at all. Unless by "get rich" I mean get dead, which I don't.

Also, I love the adoption process in this movie. Most places, it probably takes months (or longer). Here, you get your pick of the litter, sign a few papers, and after a few weeks of waiting get to bring the little shit home. I mean, I don't even remember a scene where CCH said anything about background checks they need to run on the Colemans (alcoholism, infidelity, etc might be issues). Also, what about a background check on this little girl? This little girl that is supposedly from Russia, where her last family was burned down with a house (an unsolved case of arson). There are questions that need some answerin is all I'm saying. Also, her name is Esther which is a pretty odd name for a nine year old girl even if she is from "Russia". And, what's with me putting quotes around various words that describe Esther. Could it be she's not whatever or whomever she claims to be (also claimed on her "official" papers)?

So, anyway, Esther comes home and needs to be integrated into the family. Max immediately falls in love with her but I think it's just because Esther learned sign language in about three days. Sarsgaard's father character adores her but I think it's because she tells him everything he wants to hear except for towards the end when she starts telling him things that no father wants to hear his daugther tell him. Daniel is immediately jealous which eventually turns into suspicious, but he's got his reasons. Things seem to go well until Esther goes to school and is made fun of for the way she talks, dresses, walks, etc. It doesn't pay to be different if you're a "little" girl is one of the morals of this story. Also, don't make fun of "little" girls because they might push you off a slide or maybe threaten you with castration, etc.

Things quickly deteriorate within the household. Sides are taken. Max and the Sarsgaard character (I think his name was John) initially side with Esther while in the other corner we got Kate and Daniel. Kate's corner isn't very strong though since she's got the whole alcoholism thing in her past which threatens to crop up especially after bottles start appearing even though she didn't drink from them. And then Daniel gets trapped in a burning tree house and ends up falling out in an effort to save himself. Now, I'm not gonna say Esther is to blame but it doesn't look good when we see her douse the thing in lighter fluid and then light the match. Also, the scene where she murders CCH Pounder who shows up with some information that might lead to Esther being taken away. Also the scene where she tells Daniel after he witnesses some of her shenanigans "If you tell anyone what you saw I'll cut off your hairless little prick before you know what it's for". Now, I gotta be honest. These aren't the type of things you'd expect to hear coming out of the mouth of a "nine year old" girl. Just seems strange is all. She's either older beyond her years or maybe she forged that birth certificate. Nah, can't be. She looks nine to me.

The picture relies a little too much on jump scares at first but then it settles in nicely as Esther plays Kate and John against each other which ends with John threatening to leave Kate unless she quits drinking. Even the shitty therapist Kate is seeing doesn't believe her when Kate says "her child" is evil personified. "Just look at her" the therapist says, "Does she look evil to you?" I don't know. I think...yes, she kinda does. I have to say that Farmiga is terrific in this role. We got her back story involving the failed pregnancy and the alcoholism which led to one child almost falling through some ice and dying (which leads me to believe there might be some foreshadowing involved here). We got her strained relationship with Sarsgaard who has that whole minimalist, always calm, style of acting down to a science. We got them having weird, inappropriate (considering the kids upstairs), sex in the kitchen. We got the relationship between her and her mother in law which seems a bit tense to say the least. But we also got a mother who will do anything to save the lives of her kids. It doesn't take long before she realizes Esther ain't one of her kids so if she needs to ---spoiler --- die, then fuck it. The bitch dies. Not that Kate flat out murders the "little" (hint: quotes are not used in reference to size) shit or anything.

Isabelle Furhman as Esther is sort of a revelation who may never find work outside of this type again. She needs to disappear for a while and come back to acting, ideally, after having her name legally changed. She's creepy as hell. Yeah, she looks evil but unlike that Omen remake kid she does more than just look the part. She embodies it. The climax involves her doing things no child actor should ever be asked to do. Is it exploitative? I think, probably, yes it is. Is it effective? Absolutely. The twist, which I have in no way hinted at above, might seem ridiculous at first. But it worked for me. I heard about it when this thing came out and then I completely forgot about it until it was revealed. If you don't see the movie and just have it spoiled for you, you probably won't want to see the movie anymore. There are a couple murders in the picture that are shockingly brutal (and realistic) when you consider that the perpetrator is only "nine" fucking years old. This is a good one, probably underrated. It's more consistently entertaining than The Other with an almost as horrific ending. I was surprised.

Pontypool (2009)

I debated throwing this one in with my previous entry of quicky reviews but then decided it was so good it deserved its own write up. Pontypool is a little rural town somewhere in Ontario or Ottawa or one of those Canadian provinces I have trouble telling apart. This is a small story, takes place in winter...or maybe it snows in Canada during the summer so let's just say it's an indeterminate season. Anyway, like I said it's a small story, there's some snow, but that doesn't bother our characters because they spend the movie holed up in a little basement radio station out in the middle of nowhere. This could almost be a play. We got few characters, a single set, lots of dialogue, etc.

Basically what the story involves is a man, a dj type man, who is actually a dj and played by Stephen McHattie. I've seen this guy before, I mean he's been around since the 70s apparently but I didn't notice him until he had that little part in Cronenberg's History of Violence. He played the older psychopath who got his face blown off by Viggo Mortensen. Before that point, however, I latched onto this character, couldn't take my eyes off him. He was all magnetic and shit and with the type of voice that could put you to sleep or turn your hair white. What a presence, I thought, this guy's gonna be a star. Well, after that I saw him in the picture called Kaw and, while still good, I didn't quite feel the same about him. Well, watching Pontypool I'm seeing all that promise I noticed in History of Violence finally coming to a head. This is a great performance, probably the best I've seen in a horror picture in a while. What this movie accomplishes is to take that wonderful voice and put it on the radio and take that wonderful, world beaten face, and put it on camera. His voice is almost the star of this thing.

McHattie, like I said, plays a DJ, named Grant Mazzy. He looks a bit like what's-his-name, that Imus guy, and even wears a cowboy hat. He used to be a big time shock jock in the city but was fired for some unknown reason and exiled to small town morning radio show announcing school closings and interviewing local theatre troupes and various other demeaning shit. He still trys to put his own spin on stuff but is mostly kept in check by his brow beating producer (and real life wife, Lisa Houle). Also in the studio is a young engineer, and veteran of the war in Afghanistan, Laurel Ann (Georgina Reilly). On the phone is traffic reporter and "eye in the sky" Ken Loney (Rick Roberts). As the morning progresses, reports trickle in of some kind of "insurgence" of people, surrounding a Doctor's office. Loney witnesses the uprising and reports back, at one point describing an "explosion of people". Then, fearing for his life, he retreats (he reports, remember we get this all via his phone). What's going on in the little town of Pontypool?

The brilliance of the picture, at least for most of its run time, is that we don't know. We know as much as the three characters in that little underground radio station. Is this all just a hoax? Is there some sort of outbreak, a plague, another, god forbid, zombie holocaust? At one point, Mazzy, to his own disgust, interviews a local singing group and one of the young interviewees, a girl, gets stuck on a single word (I forgot to take notes and I can't remember the word, sorry). It's a subtly creepy moment. Mazzy notices, his eyes widen a bit. The singing troupe leaves and the situation continues to decline from there.

The nature of the plague (if that's, in fact, what it is) is revealed in every review I've come across. I'll try to hold back here, not spoil it too much. It involves certain words, words of endearment, militaristic words, words that have so many meanings it's almost as if they have none at all, English words. It's also about a mob of people who have lost the ability to rationalize. What does one thing have to do with the other? There is minimal violence in this picture, one gross out moment. There is also a doctor who sneaks into the station and who, albeit briefly, brings the movie to a halt with his explanations. Is the doctor infected? How does the infection spread? Where did it start? Will the picture even bother giving us answers? Also, why is it that the things we hear about, the simple threat of what's going on outside, that fact that we're not even sure if anything is happening, is far more frightening than the actual happening? Yet, movies today almost always insist on showing the unknown, explicitly, rather than hinting at it.

I guess the lesson I take from all this is to simply think before you speak. Actually, listen to what you're saying. If it makes no sense, it's probably best to leave it unsaid. The characters in this thing find this lesson much easier said than done. Their livelihoods involve the voice for god's sake. I don't know man, I appreciate a film like this. It's got an intriguing premise, some great characters (even if Houle does become a tad bit annoying towards the end), and a solid setting. Where better to set a possible end of the world scenario than in a radio booth? That way we can focus on things like character, tension, and gloom rather than things like quick cuts, cgi effects, and scenes of mass destruction. Those things are good too, but let's change it up every now and then. We'll still have 2012 in the fall or whenever that comes out.

Unfortunately, this one might be hard to find at the moment unless you live in L.A. or New York or feel like ponying up the $6.99 to watch it on demand. Since it's probably as good, or better, than most everything playing in theatres right now I'd argue go for it. It's well directed by Bruce McDonald (The Tracy Fragments and some killer wave movie called Killer Wave). The actors all give good to great performances. The score, well I don't remember the score, so I can assume it was pretty spare which would fit the material if true. The end might be a little too cute, a little "bang us on the head" in its point making but, who knows, maybe that was from the source; a novel called "Ponytpool Changes Everything" by Tony "Don't call me Anthony" Burgess.

Shit man, there's like this new wave of Indy horror coming out now. We've got this, The Burrowers, uh...I hear some people like Splinter, but personally I think they should just rewatch The Thing, um...there's The Midnight Meat Train. This year we also had a competent remake of an almost classic, My Bloody Valentine. Also, an average remake of an overrated classic, Friday the 13th. So, yeah...we're getting some decent original shit mixed in with some ok unoriginal shit. Oh and everyone seemed to enjoy Drag Me to Hell even though it made about 500 bucks at the box office. So, yeah...there's some kind of horror revival going on at the moment. Unfortunately, too many of these pictures are skipping theatres and going straight to Comcast on demand. I'm sure there are other ones I liked. The Signal was ok in parts.

Anyway, Pontypool deserves a spot near the top of that list. It's probably more creepy than scary. The premise is kinda absurd when you stop to think about it, but i didn't so I bought into it. There's only one real gore scene and also no nudity. And, no name actors, although McHattie is clearly a better actor than Lance Henriksen at this point in their respective careers. Is Henriksen still a name outside of genre circles? Wait, was he ever? If nothing else, see this one to discover the point where Stephen McHattie should have shot into the stratosphere of character actors but didn't because no one saw his movie (I forgot he was in Watchmen too, but no one saw that picture either).

Night of the Creeps (1986)

How is it that a little 80s classic with a legitimate cult following such as Night of the Creeps can remain unavailable on DVD? It just doesn't seem right to me. I had to watch the thing about a week ago on demand. What a fucking joke. This movie has everything; tits, booze, gore, a classic soundtrack, brain slugs, zombies, Rusty Griswald (just kidding), and Tom Atkins. The only thing its missing is an original story, but it's not like that's a prerequisite for making a classic genre film. Everybody rips everybody off, especially when they're paying homage. It's just the nature of the business.

In fact, James Gunn, who wrote the Dawn of the Dead remake, clearly must have seen this movie at some point despite the fact that he conveniently doesn't remember it. The similarities between this and Gunn's Slither are fairly striking. Between the small town settings, the zombie-making space slugs, the similar tones, etc; it's hard to believe that Night of the Creeps wasn't, at the very least, playing on a screen behind Gunn while he and his family were watching Crocodile Dundee or some shit at the drive-in. C'mon man, just cop to it already. What's the big fucking deal?

Exactly. What is the big fucking deal Gunn? You actually improved on a minor classic, a beloved (albeit in a fairly small circle) cult picture. Slither is a fantastic gem. You should be proud. Along with that pride comes acknowledging your influences which should include Fred Dekker (Creeps) as well as Cronenberg, Romero, and Carpenter. It's ok, man. We'll still dig your film. In the future though, can't you just let us see Starla's breasts? Maybe in the sequel?

I enjoyed Night of the Creeps, warts and all. Let's get the bad news out of the way first. Jason Lively (who made a worse Rusty Griswald than the abomination that is Ethan Embree) is a horrible, god awful, I'd like to punch him in the nards (possible homage to Dekker's Monster Squad?) till they fall off kind of actor. If this were any other kind of movie, say a romantic comedy or Rent, I would have turned the thing off after five minutes. Luckily, this mopily abysmal performance is, for the most part, offset by Steve Marshall as J.C. , Lively's sarcastic best friend. J.C. is given all the fun lines not given to Tom Atkins ("that guys got one continuous eyebrow").

One more thing I didn't really like. The film tried a bit too hard to nod to its sources. Characters had names like Romero, Carpenter, Cronenberg, Hooper, Cameron, Landis, Raimi, and Sally. Hell, one guy was even billed as Psycho Zombie. We get it Dekker. How about next time you come up with some original names so that whenever Detective Raimi is announced we're not thinking of a somewhat better picture like Evil Dead II? Ok, minor complaint. The movie is what it is and I fucking liked it. A lot.

I loved the melding of genres. Part zombie film, part escaped maniac (aka slasher) film, part alien invasion film, and part college frat comedy film. The tits could come from any one of these film types, so I'll just attribute their inclusion to all of them. This picture is full of terrific flashbacks, including the black and white opening ("sorority row 1959"). The soundtrack is terrific and includes the likes of the Platters ("smoke gets in your eyes") and Paul Anka ("Put your head on my shoulders"). Several allusions are made to Plan 9 From Outer Space, including, um, the entire fucking plot. Aliens raising the dead? It's genius! Why didn't it work so well for Ed Wood? I'll tell you why. Technology. He lacked the technology to computer generate good performances, good dialogue, good plotting, etc. I suppose his special effects could have used a little tweaking as well. Whatever. I still love that movie.

The effects in this picture are great and, in a way, the slugs are more convincing than the overly computer generated slugs from Slither (ok, my one complaint from that one). I also like how they get into their human host, lay eggs in the brain, force them to walk around dead for a while, and then explode outward so they can find a new host. Another difference between this and Slither: The slugs in Slither didn't have to go in through the mouth. They just tended to burrow into your skin. Not so here. I love a good mouth slug (not a euphemism for dick). Actually, the more I think about it, Fred Dekker probably should have named a character Detective Sholder. Oh well. Like Sholder's film (The Hidden), this one also has an infected dog. Actually, I can't remember if the dog in Sholder's film was infected at the end of the first one or the start of the second one. Hmmm...

Did I even talk about the plot yet? Fuck. Space slugs land on earth. 1959. They infect a person. He's cryogenically frozen. Cut to "pledge week 1986". Lively wants to get laid, so he tries to join a fraternity. J.C. goes along for the ride. Their assigned prank: Retrieve a corpsicle from the morgue. Instead, the break into David Paymer's Cryogenics lab and unleash hell upon the town. It's up to J.C., Lively, and Tom Atkins to avert some kind of oral hostile take over.

Yeah, the Tom Atikins. The great Tom Atkins. What the fuck hasn't this guy been in? I don't know, but it's a short list. Here's a sampling of his credits; The Fog, Escape From New York, Creepshow, Halloween III, Lethal Weapon, Maniac Cop, Bruiser, um...Xena. He's one of those guys you'll recoginze instantly and not know his name. He's in the "that guy" hall of fame. Well, guess the fuck what? He's dropped the "that guy" status and become a full fledged star in this picture. He's tremendous as Detective Cameron (still, not happy with the names) who delivers all the classic lines from "thrill me" to "it's miller time". Vintage 80s lines. Let's not forget the great line on the poster work above. The instant J.C. leaves the picture it's up to Atkins to prevent Lively from ruining it. Between Atkins and some soaped up boobies, Lively had his work cut out for him. He wasn't up to the challenge.

Release the fucking thing on DVD already. Shit, and if you even think about putting this out exclusively on Blu-Ray, I'm going to be fucking pissed (especially as I'm shelling out my cash).

The Blob (1988)

To celebrate the release of Frank Darabont's The Mist we will look back upon Frank Darabont's The Blob. He didn't actually direct The Blob, but he contributed to the screenplay, along with Chuck Russell (who directed). In fact, Darabont cut his teeth by writing such 80s schlock as The Fly 2 and The Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. He is perhaps best known for writing Mary Shelly's Frankenstein as well as a little known film called The Shawshank Redemption. If you get TNT it's possible you've seen it. Chuck Russell directed Dream Warriors as well as the Jim Carrey vehicle, The Mask. He followed those "classics" up with such crap as Eraser, Bless The Child, and The Scorpion King, so clearly his career went down the shitter. Boy, did he get off to a great start though because The Blob is a fantastic little gem from the "small town accosted by science/meteor/aliens gone awry" genre, a genre that includes such classics as Critters, Slither, Night of the Creeps, The Being, etc, etc. Quite possibly, my favorite type of movie.

"Timing is everything" - Paul Taylor, star wide receiver of the Aborville Colorodo High School football team, all around hunk, and Blob food.

A truer statement has never been uttered. I take it to mean that this movie, this remake, was made at the perfect time. If made today, it would feature soulless CGI and vapid pretty teeny boppers. Thankfully, it was made in the late 80s so instead of Tom Welling and Jordana Brewster we are treated to the likes of vintage Kevin Dillon and Shawnee Smith (before she fucked it all up by starring in the Saw quadrilogy). We're even treated to some terrific character work by Joe Seneca (Seaquest DSV), Paul McCrane (Robocop and Dr. Romano from E.R.), Bill Mosely (The Devil's Rejects), Candy Clark (Q), and Jeffrey DeMunn (The Mist).

Here's the plot. Once again, the government has fucked us over. It's never a good idea to conduct genetic experiments in outer space, but, you know what? The government could fucking care less. Darabont is infatuated with the idea of the government fucking shit up. Whether it be through our faulty prison system (see Shawshank and The Green Mile), genetic experiments (see This Movie and The Fly II) or through creating rifts in the time space continuum (The Mist; a FANTASTIC movie, by the way). Anyway, the Blob. It starts as a meteor, lands in the outskirts of Arborville, latches onto an old hobo, and then makes its way to the Emergency room where the movie pulls a Psycho on us. By that, I mean, a character that's been set up as a hero is offed in the most horrific way imaginable. Perhaps, I've said too much already.

The movie is full of great special effects (notice I didn't say for its day?). Ok, there is one terrible effect, where the blob chases Brian (Dillon) and Meg (Smith) along the ceiling in the diner, but it's forgiveable and kinda nostalgic. There are several great scenes, including the aformentioned E.R. scene, the diner scene (Yep, we get to see a guy blobbed and squeezed through a tiny drain), and a sewer scene. The best scene is a remake of a scene from the original, as a couple of kids, Meg's brother and his headphone addicted pal Eddie, sneak into an R rated slasher film. They have to endure an asshole who likes to give away plot points immediately before they happen. What kind of a sick fuck would do that shit? It's clear Darabont and Russell despise this fucker too because shortly thereafter, yup, you guessed it. Blobbed. By the time the blob hits the theatre, it has consumed a third of the town and is by now, enormous.

As soon as the government shows up, we know who the REAL villains are. Led by Dr. Meddows (Joe Seneca), they are all dressed in white bio containment suits and carry automatic weapons. Here's a taste of how much Meddows values human life:

"This isn't one of you text-book exercises, Mr. Jennings. This is an experiment in biological warfare, or hadn't you noticed? That organism is potentially the greatest breakthrough in weapons research since man split the atom. What we do here will affect the balance of world power! Of course there are lives at stake - whole nations, in fact. And that's far more important than a handful of people in this small town. And that is my cross to bear, Mr. Jennings. Now carry out your orders. "

Darabont would go on to help create "superior" films. To be honest, I don't care much for Shawshank or The Green Mile. To me, his heart seems to lie with the fantastic. I'm greatly pleased with his return to the genre this year with The Mist. It's possibly the best adaptation of a Stephen King horror story since The Mangler. Just kidding, since Sleepwalkers. Kidding again, Maximum Overdrive. Sheesh, I don't know when to stop, do I? You get the point though. Their have been a lot of shitty King movies. The Mist is the best since Misery and possibly even Kubrick's The Shining (a film King, himself, inexplicably, detests). If I had to describe The Mist in one sentence, I would say "if Maximum Overdrive and The Stand fucked, this would be their bastard child". Well, The Blob has nothing to do with Stephen King. Very little to do with Steve McQueen either. I'll just say that if the giant critter at the end of Critters were to have sex with the original The Blob and then take a post coital shit, this movie would be that runny pile of excrement. I mean that in the best possible way. It's a terrific horror picture. Check it out.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I hope to be back shortly with another review, or possibly two.