Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness (1986)

Let's keep this string of classics going.  Here's one that won a few academy awards and also that you'll find on most top 100 lists.  Or, maybe I'm mistaken.  Do they give academy awards to slasher films?  Probably not.  I'm also thinking they especially don't give academy awards to inept slasher films.  Well, I thought it had some good parts.  For example, this is one of the only movies ever made that features a drive by chainsawing.  The other one I'm thinking of is, of course, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.  Am I missing any others?   Anyway, at the very least, this is superior cinema to the Madonna documentary of the same name.  This one even has a cool subtitle: A Critical Madness.  Other than that subtitle and the drive by chainsawing, and also some boobies, this is mostly a piece of shit, albeit a sporadically enjoyable piece of shit.  Sorry for misleading you into thinking this was a multi-award winning classic.

The picture opens with a couple of people fucking which is probably how every movie ever made should open (well, maybe not Bambi).  We got boobies right away in this thing (and unfortunately, never again).  Tim Ritter, the director, masterfully cuts between the fucking and some nerdy bespectacled guy driving his car.  Turns out, he's the husband of the wife who is fucking some other guy.  Mike Strauber (the husband) is on his way home to give his wife, Sharon Strauber, some very good news.  He got the promotion at his accounting firm (or wherever it is he works).  Eventually, he arrives and walks around the house a bit calling out for his "honey".  While in the throes of passion she can't hear him.  It's amazing that he can't hear her either.  Finally, he gets to the bedroom, opens the door, and immediately slams it shut after seeing what's going on inside while shouting "Sharon!  How could you?"  He flees, she tries to stop him, then tells him "I'm sorry, I tried to tell you, this ain't working.  Maybe you should go out and find some good friends, live your life, etc."

Then we're subjected to long scenes of Mike driving to the beach, flash backing to all the hints of his wife's infidelities that, at the time, went unnoticed.  Long interminable scenes.  Later, he picks up an impossibly voluptuous strawberry blond, brings her to a campsite, builds a fire, sets up a tent ("you don't mind if we sleep in the same tent do you?").  A rousing game of truth or dare ensues.  Starts out innocently enough ("Do you still love your wife?") and ("I dare you to lift up your blouse").  Progresses to shit like "I dare you to gouge out your eye" and "I dare you to slice open your chest".  Also, the impossibly voluptuous strawberry blond was all in his head.  So, of course, Mike ends up in a sanitarium.

Basically, the movie goes like this.  Mike goes crazy, usually flashing back to his childhood and humiliating games of truth or dare.  Also, his crazy mother appears at times.  After these visions, Mike does something bad and ends up back in the psych ward.  Mike is later released, goes crazy again.  Back to the loony bin.  Mike escapes, goes crazy.  Back to the loony bin.  Rinse, wash, repeat.  Eventually, he completely loses it and plays truth or dare with a couple fellow inmates using the knife he apparently smuggled in using his anal cavity.  One guy cuts off his hand.  Another guy eats a grenade (also smuggled in somehow).  Mike cuts off his face and, I guess, this is the point where it becomes a traditional slasher film (about an hour in) since Mike now dons a copper mask.  He drives around like Michael Myers in that Halloween picture.  He also acquires an arsenal of weapons; including a chainsaw, a machine gun, a medieval mace, nun-chucks, hunting knives, etc.

Truth or Dare was shot in, and around, West Palm Beach, Florida so we got a lot of sunny, boring atmosphere.  We got a couple of bumbling cops hot on Mike's trail.  One cop accidentally burns down the town drunk thinking it's slasher Mike.  Later, he loses his car keys and has to drive around town in the back of a cab.  The end of this picture is pretty bat shit crazy as Mike just drives around killing people that remind him of other people that apparently tormented him throughout his life.  This being Florida, several of these victims are elderly including a poor trio that he machine guns while they're waiting for the bus.  The kills are extraordinarily unconvincing which sorta adds to the brilliance.  There's even a car chase that ends with one guy catching fire and getting shot multiple times as he burns.  Lots of fire in this thing.  That's where the budget went.  I almost wonder if the fire truck in this thing was a real fire truck responding to a fire these bozos started for the picture.

So, It's pretty fucking far from a classic but if you can wade through some of the boring parts there's a lot of fun to be had here.  I laughed every time they cut to the insane asylum when Mike is returned there.  Like I mentioned earlier, the kills were horribly executed.  Sometimes (all the time?) the camera would linger on the victim and would catch them breathing or scratching their ass or some shit.  Almost as if Tim Ritter were daring them to hold their position.  They never did.  Especially that one little leaguer that got drive-by chainsawed.  I can't wait to see some of this guy's other stuff.

Funhouse (1981)

The Funhouse is an interesting slasher film in that, after a terrific opening scene which pays homage to (while also spoofing) Halloween, it can barely be considered a slasher at all. I mean, we got lots of buildup for a movie that comes down to a retarded mutant and his father chasing four horny teens around a funhouse and offing them with little to no imagination. Tobe Hooper's followup to his adaptation of Stephen King's Salem's Lot is an interesting misfire which borrows Frankenstein's monster (in this case, Jason Vorhees if he'd lived long enough to become a teenage rapist) and places him within the interesting world of carnival sideshows. The opening scene is a classic of stalking and slashing and what can only be considered some wildly inappropriate nudity. For the first 30 or 40 minutes I was entertained by scenes of carnival peep shows, two headed cows, a fetus in a jar, crotchedy old fortune tellers, and the promise of "teens" (Buzz looks about 35) in "love" getting it on. Unfortunately, the picture eventually collapses under a mountain of tedium.

Basically, what we got here is a movie with a teen girl (Amy), her bratty younger brother (Joey), her boyfriend (the aforementioned Buzz), her two friends, and a carnival which leaves a series of murders and rapes in its wake. At the previous town, a couple girls were found dead so understandably Amy's father doesn't want her anywhere near the thing. So, they come up with a story about going to the movies or some shit and head out for a fun night of making fun of freaks and sneaking a peak at real live boobies. Then, one of them (I'm sure it was a guy) comes up with the brilliant idea of hiding in the funhouse, waiting for the carnival to close for the night, and then having sweet, sweet sex on the disgusting floor. Also, Amy's brother Joey sneaks in. Also, they witness a carny in a Frankenstein mask about to have sex with an old fortune teller, prematurely ejaculate, and then murder the old hooker rather than pay up. Also, the guy's a mutant and the shame of his father (also a carny) who, upon discovering the corpse, beats his son for forcing him to cover up yet another murder. Also, I think they found out the kids saw everything so then spent the last thirty minutes or so stalking and slashing them. Also, ZZZZZZZZZZZ......

I didn't like this one very much. I did enjoy the carnival atmosphere. It seemed like they filmed this thing at a real carnival. They even set up some rides and shit. I loved the stuff with them just walking around and taking it all in, mocking the weirdness of it all, staring at the two headed cow, etc. Once they witness the murder things just take a turn for the worse. I was bored. I mean, we know right away who the killers are. No suspense there. We know who is going to survive. The kills are all sort of matter-of-fact. We got a guy hung up by a noose and then axed to the head after he's already dead. We got a girl clawed to death. We got a gunshot wound I think. Strangulation. Not too many teens in this thing so not too many deaths I guess. Since we don't have much death or gore I guess the thing we'd look for is suspense, but this picture doesn't have any. What we're left with is an atmospheric exercise. Yeah, it looks pretty good and there's some nudity and shit but so what? Maybe this was enough in 1981 but today I got something called the internet. No reason to sit through a ninety minute picture looking for boobs when I can just find thirty second clips online. I guess my attention span is getting smaller. Hooper let me down here.

Strange Behavior (1981)

Strange Behavior is the first in a planned "strange" trilogy from director Michael Laughlin and writer, and future Oscar winner, Bill Condon. The second film, Strange Invaders, tanked at the box office and so dreams of a trilogy were dashed (thanks wikipedia). Well, shit, why don't I just start regurgitating everything I read in wikipedia? Did you also know the song played during the famous synchornized dance routine at the costume party was Lou Christie's "Lightnin' Strikes"? And that the soundtrack is by Tangerine Dream (see also Sorcerer)? Or that the star Michael Murphy was also in McCabe and Mrs Miller, a movie I just reviewed? Well, that shit wasn't in wikipedia and to be honest I didn't even notice he was in McCabe. I found that out when checking imdb to see if he was in The Car (he wasn't).

Anyway, what we got here is a pretty strange attempt at a slasher film and one that, probably, inspired the Katie Holme's (barely memorable) Disturbing Behavior. Kids are dying around the small town of whatever the name of the town in this movie is called, Illinois. We got a kid stabbed in the face, we got a human scarecrow, a shower murder, a near drowning, a back stabbing, etc. Sheriff John Brady (Michael Murphy) is reluctantly on the case. Meanwhile, his teenage son Pete tries to get laid. Throw a mad scientist in here somewhere and we got ourselves a plot.

The murders start out as your typical stalk and slash type killings with all of them, with a few exceptions, being perpetrated against kids. We got a kid home alone. He finds some cigarettes. The lights go out. He gets knifed in the face (in beautiful silhouette). Eventually, things get weirder though. We got one girl stalked while she steps outside of a party. The killer forces her into a pool, she splashes around alerting other guests, and the killer flees. Then...he stops. Takes off his mask and reveals himself as (SPOILER) Pete's best friend. Ok, the weird kid's the killer. Big deal. Later, we see another killing. And another (one scene includes a levitating killer's point of view), and another. Each time the killer is revealed (SPOILER) to be a different kid. Kids killing kids using the ol' stalk and slash technique. Interesting concept.

Well, of course there's something much more sinister than just simply kids killing kids going on. It might involve the lab running tests on local high school kids, a lab run by a mad scientist, who's supposed to be dead. Note to parents: Labs run by mad scientists are probably not good places to send your children. I gotta be honest, I kinda liked this approach. I'm a sucker for hackneyed science in film. However, a part of me wishes they had just kept with the randomness of kids killing other kids. Random usually equals scarier. Hokey science equals Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Still, glad this thing was mostly played straight. Mostly, except for one scene.

That scene being the absolutely amazing costume party sequence I referenced earlier. Forget, for a second, about the flying nun who isn't "wearing any panties" and concentrate just on the synchronized dance scene. Pay attention to Batman (my favorite character in the whole movie and he doesn't even have a line!). It feels completely out of place (which is just one reason I loved it). The dance culminates at about the 2:33 mark. After that, you can stop watching (or, by all means, don't). And, you know what, the rest of the movie isn't too shabby either. We also got genre stalwart Louise Fletcher (Invaders from Mars the remake) looking drunk in a throw away part. I'm pretty sure you'll like this one.

The Driller Killer (1979)

I blew it. This isn't even a fucking horror movie. As far as I can tell, it's just a painfully long music video for some shitty punk band I can only assume must have been friends with the director, Abel Ferrara (Bad Lieutenant, Body Snatchers). I think this picture's reputation is based more on it being banned from the UK in the early 80s (and therefore an infamous "video nasty"). It has several elements I like in a picture; breasts, lesbianism, gore. So, there is that. Unfortunately, it's all presented without a modicum of suspense, tension, or story (other things I like in pictures). I think Ferrara's an interesting filmmaker so I guess I can chalk this up to being his first picture. His Body Snatchers is near brilliant. This? Slightly less so.

Ferrara, himself, stars as Reno, a painter struggling to make it in New York City. He lives with his girlfriend Carol (recently divorced) and friend, also Carol's secret lover, Pamela (who appears to be always under the influence). They struggle to pay the bills and usually can't. Rent is due, the phone bills due, they can't even afford to go out. Reno is working on a painting of a buffalo that should land him big bucks with a distributor only it's taking him forever to finish the thing. Can't rush an artist I guess. To make matters worse, an awful punk band has moved in down the hall. They play their shitty music all hours, apparently never sleeping, eating, or shitting. Reno begins to lose it. He starts having bload soaked visions. He witnesses a knifing from the rooftop and is more than a little intrigued. Later, he witnesses a commercial for a new kind of portable drill, the "porto pak" (only $19.95!). Things are looking up for him because that's a pretty sweet looking drill. It does other things too, but who needs that shit. Also, the homeless problem is getting worse in the city, bunch of degenerate low life scum. Buy the drill (I'm guessing he stole the money), kill a few homeless, finish the painting, collect his money, and things will be a-ok.

The synopsis of this thing (not mine, the one with the dvd) wasn't exactly correct. It claims that the killings are a part of the product of his "masterpiece" being laughed out of a distributor's office. That part actually comes towards the end. Reno's killed about 30 people by then. The killings at first are shocking. Reno hovering over a dererlict, drill in hand. The first one is incredibly graphic as he basically drills up and down the poor guy's chest and stomach with blood spurting everywhere. As Reno realizes he loves killing almost as much as he hates the homeless, the kills come faster and furiouser. Fuck, they actually become quite comical and I'm not sure that was the intent. We'll see two bums talking to each other. Suddenly, the tense music kicks in as Reno charges into the scene and drills one of them before the other knows what's happening. After the powerful first kill, they're all pretty much like this. There's no suspense as to who will get killed next. The kill scenes aren't exactly constructed so much as, I don't know, made up as they went along? The movie is a long 90 minutes and could have easily dropped 10-15.

Which isn't too say I hated it exactly. I actually sorta admired the thing. Aside from the gore and the pretty sweet, slightly gratuitous, lesbian shower scene (featuring Reno's nude roommates), the script was full of little moments that held my interest. I liked the opening scene with Carol reading the depressing newspaper stories; "boy hijacks bus and kills two" and "poodle accidentaly microwaved explodes - owner dies of heart attack." Reno had a funny moment when his roommates score free tickets to see the band next door. Reno, scoffs, but eventually relents muttering "at least at a club I can walk out." Pamela offers a suggestion for Reno in his dealings with the art distributor; "you should let him stick it in your ass. use KY Jelly. It won't hurt." His look is priceless and then he hits the streets to murder some more bums. By the way, every person killed onscreen is a man. I think Reno sees himself in them, in more ways than one. Homophobe.

It's not a proper halloween movie, but it has some moments. Ferrara gets off some funny lines but his descent into madness is completely unconvincing. Taxi Driver this is not. I actually somewhat enjoyed the cheap look of the picture, all set in New York. The bums were probably real bums that Ferrara and his crew threw a few bucks at so they could pour blood on them. The score has its moments (loved the heartbeats leading up to a kill), but there was way too much of that punk band playing the same song over and over. The ending rips off Psycho; guy in drag, shower scene. I'll leave you with the art dealer's opinion of Reno's work; "no, no, no, this isn't right! This is shit!" I should steal that line to describe this picture. Ferrara has gotten much better with time. This picture hasn't.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

October got off to a pretty good start and then I guess I started slacking (or drinking). I'm still planning on exceeding last year's numbers (twelve reviews) for the month. Maybe thirteen? By the way, I'm counting my "return to the grindhouse" posting as two reviews. Hopefully, I'll be able to work a few classics into the mix by month's end. Unfortunately, this won't be one of them.

Also, what's with my strange habit of reviewing sequels without reviewing the originals? I'm sure my "blog followers" (all 1 of you) are as confused as I am; Nightmare on Elm Street 2, Mimic 3, Exorcist III, The Hidden 2, Jack Frost 2, and on and on. And now this thing. I plan to get to the originals someday. I guess I just have a thing for part IIs and IIIs. Also, the originals, in most cases, are actually good. Quality pictures kinda go against everything I stand for. In addition, sequels go better with booze. Coulda used some for Sleepaway Camp 2. I did this thing dry. Thank christ it was mercifully short (a mere 79 minutes). I saw the original a little while back and I was full in the bag at the time. It was the tail end of a triple feature so what do you expect? The only thing I remembered was the big reveal at the end (how can one possibly forget? She's got a penis?! Whoa...).

Luckily, they recount the plot of the first one as a campfire story except the camp has changed from Camp Arawak to Camp Rolling Hills or Camp Running Pines or something like that, I forget. These are the kind of camps I wish my parents had sent me to when I was a teen. Horny girls fornicating with anything that moves. Except for the killing since I guess that's not too fun of an activity. The campfire tale is interrupted by counselor Angela who scolds the young woman delivering the story ("the killer slaughtered 30 campers, was a guy pretending to be a woman, and then later had a sex change that we, the tax payers, financed, etc"). Wait a minute? Angela? He/She kept the same name!? The storyteller is brought out into the woods by Angela and promptly "sent home".

This is a very funny picture I think. Angela is played by Pamela "sister of Bruce" Springsteen and it's a pretty solid performance. All she really wants out of life is to run a camp full of good kids but, unfortunately, these kids are too into showing off their boobies, smoking pot, drinking, having sex in the woods, and running their amateur pornography distribution businesses. Not things good kids typically partake in. Again, why the fuck didn't my parents send me here? Jesus, I went to Camp Sunset (or sunrise, who the fuck can remember?) and it was almost as gay as Sleepaway Camp I. I was a cub scout at the time and I seem to remember winning an eagle feather at the awards ceremony the final night. The eagle feather basically means you are a good kid and a dork and will not be having sex with a lady anytime soon. Winning that fucking feather set my development back a good ten years I would think. Also, my frog lost it's race and my "cabin" was full of bees. Not a good week from what I remember. Oh, and I failed the swimming test which means I had to swim in the kiddie section all week while my friends got to swim wherever the fuck they wanted. Shit man, I think that feather I "won" was a pity feather. In addition, no one got murdered that week. I do wonder what the counselors were doing after we went to bed. Actually, no I don't. They were all guys.

This movie is not exactly horror. We immediately know who the killer is and that pretty much destroys the suspense. There are some pretty funny scenes though involving Angela taking bad girls aside and drilling, strangling, stabbing, chainsawing, grilling, stuffing in a shit-piss-leach filled toilet to death. She remains cheerful throughout and always seems to cap off a kill with a sweet little line like "once I start a task I always finish" or "no more whining" or "goodnight campers". Always the dilligent counselor. It's for this attitude that she won "counselor of the week" courtesy of Uncle John (guy who runs camp) . Uncle John lost patience with her though after she "sent everyone home" and fires her. This doesn't go over too well and so she's forced to send him home as well. I think Uncle John was a pretty good guy that just needed a better process for screening his counselors.

I don't know, this is a pretty bad picture that manages to be fun despite itself while serving as a microcosm for everything that was right and wrong about the 80s (mediocre slasher films, mullets, hair metal, camel toe). One kid in a pool (what kind of a lake-side camp has an inground pool??) delivers the pictures funniest line when, upon seeing Ally (hot slut who constantly shows her boobs) in a wet t-shirt blurts out "Hey Emilio! Party hats at twelve o'clock!". I loved those fucking kids. The picture references Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Texas Chainsaw Massacre all in the same scene. It's not scary at all or even close to good for that matter. Nearly everything about the production is mediocre (gore effects, atmosphere, acting) but fuck it man, this was pretty fun. I had a good time with it and I didn't have one drop of the sauce. Ms. Springsteen returns for the next sequel so I'll get to it at some point. Just don't bother with the teaser trailer on the dvd. It's pretty much just a still of the title. I guess it must be pretty hard to live in her brother's shadow so I can see why she'd hack out a career in schlock. She does play the guitar and sing a little song at one point that was pretty fun so maybe she could have been successful in that field or at least land a job with the E Street band in the future. Bruce can't say no to his sister, can he?

House of Wax (2005)

If you're ever going on a road trip with a bunch of college friends I think it would probably be prudent to take along an extra fanbelt, maybe a few jugs of gasoline as well, at least enough to make it to the next town which is invariably 20 or so miles away from wherever you broke down. House of Wax is the story of just such a breakdown except these kids actually managed to bring along two cars, one of which remains unscathed. Why not pile everyone in? That way they can all make the football game or whatever and not be murdered by the freaks living on the other side of the woods. It would seem an easy answer to an easy question. Except, the car that broke down was pretty sweet. Kid'll be damned if he's gonna leave it to be stripped. Also, no one's been killed yet.

Paris Hilton is in this but don't fret my friends. She acquits herself ok and then gets a pipe through her head. Surprisingly, not much resistance. The girl might even have a bit of a self deprecating sense of humor as there are several shots of her and her on-screen boyfriend, Blake (Robert Ri'chard), making out as they are recorded by a camcorder. Then, later, the killer documents her demise in a similar fashion. Paris' character Paige may even be pregnant which is a bit of a kick in the balls. It also might be one of the picture's few attempts at social commentary. Better Paris receive steel pipe through the noggin' then to let the sexed up socialite unleash her spawn onto the world. I don't know, I think she's probably grown up so maybe the commentaries a bit outdated by now. What I'm sayin is I'd do her.

Ms. Hilton aside, this film firmly belongs to Elisha Cuthbert as Carly and, to a lesser extent, Chad Michael Murray as her delinquent brother Nick. Elisha was in Captivity so not everyone is perfect. She's very good in this one though and her character is run through the wringer. What we're dealing with here is one of those standard forgotten small towns. The kind long abandoned, except for the twin brothers, let's say their names are Bo and Vincent. Bo was always the nice, quiet kid but boy that brother, Vincent. What a fuck up. After everyone abandoned town and, or, died, Bo went on to make something of himself. He ran the gas station, ministered the church, etc while Vincent I guess just occupied himself at the wax museum. Bo proved his superiority when he convinced Vincent that regular people would make better wax people than wax people. Bo's got the brain, Vincent the brawn. Amazingly, they're played by the same guy, Brian Van Holt, in a tour de force performance.

A contemporary slasher film needs two things to get by according to me and I'm sure some others; gore and thrills (an interesting character or two would be nice as well). The gore in this thing is pretty solid. Let's skip right over the roadkill pit and move onto the process for creating wax figures. They use what appears to be an embalming technique that basically turns your skin into wax. If you ever find your friend motionless in a house of wax, except for their eyes, don't, for the love of god, try to peel the "wax" off them. There's an intense scene when Nick is looking for Carly, locked in a room beneath the gas station with her mouth glued shut, as Bo attempts to get rid of him above. Carly slips her fingers through a grate and Bo, unbeknownst to Nick, goes at them with wire cutters. I will say that Bo is a bit of a cut-up and not very scary once you get to know him. His brother is in the silent killer mold like Jason or Michael Myers. Always around when you don't want him to be.

Of course anyone watching this thing is probably watching it for the house, itself. Ok, probably Elisha. Elisha is one, house is two. Anyway, this house is a wonder to behold. The final set-piece elevates this picture above all other slasher films from the current era (Wrong Turn, Chainsaw remakes/reimaginings, and so on). Holy shit man I couldn't tell if this was done with CG or practical effects, but it was astounding. Aside from the wax figures, the entire house is made of wax; the lamps, the beds, the stairs, the fridge....every goddamned thing. To conceive a final scene involving this house going up in flames as characters within fight each other for their lives? How, or why I guess would be the question, do you run up stairs that are melting? And, what the fuck? People have been disappearing off this stretch of highway for years now and, yet, it takes the smoke from a wax fire for the cops to even find this little fucking town?

This is a good one despite its reputation (25% on the ol' tomatometer). The musical score actually reminded me a bit of Danny Elfman and the obsessive nature, and pure artistry, of Vincent was decidedly Burton-esque. Hell, the town was even called Ambrose, clearly after Ambrose Bierce who disappeared without a trace as well. Although, Mr. Bierce's disappearence came nearly a century earlier. Alot of this seems smarter than a picture like this should be is all I'm sayin. Shit, this picture was nominated for 3 golden raspberry awards (supporting actress - Hilton, worst picture, and worst remake). Hilton won for worst supporting actress. That is fucking bullshit man. Just proves that those awards are just a god damned popularity contest. Elisha Cuthbert should have won for "best tits we didn't get to see". Come to think of it, we didn't see any in this picture. Still, I stand by it. You should too (or sit in front of it so you have a better view).

Hatchet (2006)

For October, the plan is to write up some horror films that I can recommend to you, my audience. This is one I can vouch for, but with some serious reservations. Don't go into this thing expecting the reinvention of horror or even a return to the slasher films of the early 80s. It's not even close to either of those things. Upon release, this was billed as just that by several movie sites. This is what it is. A film that feels exactly of its time. Which is to say, not scary and full of innappropriate attempts at humor. This picture came out the same year as another similarly heralded film, Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon which was similarly a disappointment. Vernon, at least, started out interestingly enough but then devolved into just another run of the mill slasher film, and not a particularly good one at that. Even worse, it featured one of the most grating antagonists I've ever had the displeasure of dealing with for an hour and a half. At least Hatchet's villain lacked a personality. In the words of Kirk Lazarus (Tropic Thunder), they went "full retard" in this one.

The film centers around a group of revellers at Mardis Gras. Ben (Joel David Moore) is the awkward one who'd rather take a swamp tour and stare at gas lights than drink and look at boobies. He's the main character and I couldn't fucking stand him. All he does is mope around and complain about his ex-girlfriend being bent over the chair his mother bought for her by some meat-head. This is the kind of character that's supposed to die immediately. Not one we're supposed to root for. His friend Marcus, "token black guy" from Not Another Teen Movie, is the token black guy in this one and, therefore, also comic relief. Joining them on their swamp tour are a couple of ditzy wannabe starlets, a guy (poor man's Rick Ducommon) pretending to be a producer so he can see those starlets naked, a morose young lady harboring a secret, the old typical american tourist couple, and their guide (an asian pretending to be black or "Jackie Tucker" as Marcus humorously labels him). Story: They get lost in the swamp and attacked and picked off one by one courtesy of resident swamp legend-retard, Victor Crowley (Kane Hodder who has seen better days and roles). The character of Jason Voorhees (played by Hodder and others before him) had personality even if that personality had only two settings; angry and sad(it was all in the eyes!) . This picture is barely a tiny curly hair on Jason's ball sack.

The attacks come quick and brutal with limbs shredded, ripped, torn, etc (he's got retard strength). How did Crowley come to be? As a child, he was teased by some local kids and locked in his cabin to burn. His father tried to rescue him but accidentaly chopped him in the head with a hatchet while he was trying to break in. Now, years later, Crowley or his ghost or whatever is pissed and seeks vengeance on anyone that dares venture close by. So far, it's a familiar story. It stays familiar.

All the characters play a type, which I've already vaguely described. Not one of them comes off as believable. They constantly do stupid things like wander off alone or move too closely to that bush that is shaking for no apparent reason. Here's a plan. Stay by the river and walk/run as fast as you can in the direction you came from. The "scares" aren't really scares at all. I didn't really jump too much because this Crowley fellow seems to announce his presence everytime with menacing screams and howls and I think chest thumping. The intial scare is almost always a false scare, then immediately followed by the real scare. Bush shakes..."ahhh....look at that cute raccoon!". Crowley jumps out behind them, grabs buxom babe or whatever. Let the rending begin.

So, I guess you're wondering why I'm recommending this thing at all? It's got a couple of the greatest kills you'll see in a picture these days. One lady gets her head ripped apart, with bare hands, at the jaw leaving only a dangling tongue. Another girl gets her lower jaw removed courtesy of an electric sander (with a very long extension cord apparently). I think they probably wrote the picture around these two kills. As far as I could tell, Crowley used a hatchet only once: to hack a guy in half in incredibly brutal fashion. Terrific effects work.

Also, It's hard to fault a picture that features cameos from two legends of the genre (Also Hodder, of course). Tony Todd and Robert Englund, who appears in the opening sequence with Joshua Leonard as mystery girl's father and brother respectively. Englund's character ain't that funny though when he accuses Leonard of "squattin to take a piss like a queer." We're used to seeing this guy as an asshole. Also, I'm not sure it was supposed to be funny when Leonard had his spine ripped out, but him yelling "oh god, it hurts it hurts" over and over certainly didn't help things.

I'll say one more nice thing about this one. I liked the atmosphere. Supposedly, they created the swamps of the bayou outside of L.A. somewhere (atleast, that's what I seem to remember from watching the "making of" so many months ago). Very impressive. Atmospherics straight out of Man-Thing and I mean that as a compliment. I think you should see this one because everyone seemed to love it when it came out. It just didn't connect with me. I like my horror a little more visceral, a little more real, a little more old school i guess. Otherwise, I'm just getting a hard on from the effects and that's not the kind that lasts too long. Pretty forgettable, but I think we'll probably be hearing from Adam Green (the director) again. Actually, we did. He made Spiral. I think it bombed (but I admit it looks interesting). Oh well, Hatchet 2 is slated for 2009 so there is that.

Night of the Creeps (1986)

How is it that a little 80s classic with a legitimate cult following such as Night of the Creeps can remain unavailable on DVD? It just doesn't seem right to me. I had to watch the thing about a week ago on demand. What a fucking joke. This movie has everything; tits, booze, gore, a classic soundtrack, brain slugs, zombies, Rusty Griswald (just kidding), and Tom Atkins. The only thing its missing is an original story, but it's not like that's a prerequisite for making a classic genre film. Everybody rips everybody off, especially when they're paying homage. It's just the nature of the business.

In fact, James Gunn, who wrote the Dawn of the Dead remake, clearly must have seen this movie at some point despite the fact that he conveniently doesn't remember it. The similarities between this and Gunn's Slither are fairly striking. Between the small town settings, the zombie-making space slugs, the similar tones, etc; it's hard to believe that Night of the Creeps wasn't, at the very least, playing on a screen behind Gunn while he and his family were watching Crocodile Dundee or some shit at the drive-in. C'mon man, just cop to it already. What's the big fucking deal?

Exactly. What is the big fucking deal Gunn? You actually improved on a minor classic, a beloved (albeit in a fairly small circle) cult picture. Slither is a fantastic gem. You should be proud. Along with that pride comes acknowledging your influences which should include Fred Dekker (Creeps) as well as Cronenberg, Romero, and Carpenter. It's ok, man. We'll still dig your film. In the future though, can't you just let us see Starla's breasts? Maybe in the sequel?

I enjoyed Night of the Creeps, warts and all. Let's get the bad news out of the way first. Jason Lively (who made a worse Rusty Griswald than the abomination that is Ethan Embree) is a horrible, god awful, I'd like to punch him in the nards (possible homage to Dekker's Monster Squad?) till they fall off kind of actor. If this were any other kind of movie, say a romantic comedy or Rent, I would have turned the thing off after five minutes. Luckily, this mopily abysmal performance is, for the most part, offset by Steve Marshall as J.C. , Lively's sarcastic best friend. J.C. is given all the fun lines not given to Tom Atkins ("that guys got one continuous eyebrow").

One more thing I didn't really like. The film tried a bit too hard to nod to its sources. Characters had names like Romero, Carpenter, Cronenberg, Hooper, Cameron, Landis, Raimi, and Sally. Hell, one guy was even billed as Psycho Zombie. We get it Dekker. How about next time you come up with some original names so that whenever Detective Raimi is announced we're not thinking of a somewhat better picture like Evil Dead II? Ok, minor complaint. The movie is what it is and I fucking liked it. A lot.

I loved the melding of genres. Part zombie film, part escaped maniac (aka slasher) film, part alien invasion film, and part college frat comedy film. The tits could come from any one of these film types, so I'll just attribute their inclusion to all of them. This picture is full of terrific flashbacks, including the black and white opening ("sorority row 1959"). The soundtrack is terrific and includes the likes of the Platters ("smoke gets in your eyes") and Paul Anka ("Put your head on my shoulders"). Several allusions are made to Plan 9 From Outer Space, including, um, the entire fucking plot. Aliens raising the dead? It's genius! Why didn't it work so well for Ed Wood? I'll tell you why. Technology. He lacked the technology to computer generate good performances, good dialogue, good plotting, etc. I suppose his special effects could have used a little tweaking as well. Whatever. I still love that movie.

The effects in this picture are great and, in a way, the slugs are more convincing than the overly computer generated slugs from Slither (ok, my one complaint from that one). I also like how they get into their human host, lay eggs in the brain, force them to walk around dead for a while, and then explode outward so they can find a new host. Another difference between this and Slither: The slugs in Slither didn't have to go in through the mouth. They just tended to burrow into your skin. Not so here. I love a good mouth slug (not a euphemism for dick). Actually, the more I think about it, Fred Dekker probably should have named a character Detective Sholder. Oh well. Like Sholder's film (The Hidden), this one also has an infected dog. Actually, I can't remember if the dog in Sholder's film was infected at the end of the first one or the start of the second one. Hmmm...

Did I even talk about the plot yet? Fuck. Space slugs land on earth. 1959. They infect a person. He's cryogenically frozen. Cut to "pledge week 1986". Lively wants to get laid, so he tries to join a fraternity. J.C. goes along for the ride. Their assigned prank: Retrieve a corpsicle from the morgue. Instead, the break into David Paymer's Cryogenics lab and unleash hell upon the town. It's up to J.C., Lively, and Tom Atkins to avert some kind of oral hostile take over.

Yeah, the Tom Atikins. The great Tom Atkins. What the fuck hasn't this guy been in? I don't know, but it's a short list. Here's a sampling of his credits; The Fog, Escape From New York, Creepshow, Halloween III, Lethal Weapon, Maniac Cop, Bruiser, um...Xena. He's one of those guys you'll recoginze instantly and not know his name. He's in the "that guy" hall of fame. Well, guess the fuck what? He's dropped the "that guy" status and become a full fledged star in this picture. He's tremendous as Detective Cameron (still, not happy with the names) who delivers all the classic lines from "thrill me" to "it's miller time". Vintage 80s lines. Let's not forget the great line on the poster work above. The instant J.C. leaves the picture it's up to Atkins to prevent Lively from ruining it. Between Atkins and some soaped up boobies, Lively had his work cut out for him. He wasn't up to the challenge.

Release the fucking thing on DVD already. Shit, and if you even think about putting this out exclusively on Blu-Ray, I'm going to be fucking pissed (especially as I'm shelling out my cash).

Funeral Home (1980)

I recently made the single greatest purchase of my life (ok, slight exaggeration) when I picked up the "Chilling Classics 50 Movie Pack" from Best Buy for a mere twenty bucks. That's 40 cents a picture, and several with the promise of tits and ass. The inclusion of Peter Jackson's Bad Taste was enough to seal the deal for me. Well, I've made my way through five of the pictures thus far. Out of these five, Bad Taste is the only good one. Although, The Demon is well worth one's time since the last twenty minutes consist of our lovely young heroine running around her house (naked!) as she eludes a killer. Lots of seventies style coifing in that one, if you know what I mean.

I also decided to check out this little movie called Funeral Home. Since it was released in 1980 and rated R, I counted on this picture for two things: boobs and gore. Zero out of two is, well, pretty fucking bad. This thing is the story of Heather (Lesleh Donaldson) who travels to a small rural community to help her granny (Kay Hawtrey) convert her old funeral home into a "tourist home" (aka bed and breakfast). Heather's a pretty young thing with what I'm sure are pretty supple breasts (unfortunately, the director forgot to film them or any, for that matter). Anyway, this is your typical small town with a library, a pub, reckless teens, and a quarry (for diving and disposing of bodies in). Granny has been in need of some help ever since her husband, Mr. Chalmers ("Chalmers the embalmer") disappeared. Guests begin arriving, Heather paints a boat, whisperings are heard in the padlocked celler, Heather falls in love with local boy, Cops investigate missing persons, and Billy (the caretaker/undertaker) acts mighty weird (i.e. retarded, hence a suspect).

The first thing I noticed is that the score is actually professionally done. With an actual orchestra. Kudos to Jerry Fielding. It's not a great score, but it wasn't completely obtrusive either. Mildly competent, I'd say. The next thing I noticed, almost an hour later, is that nothing is happening. Oh sure, Heather talks to granny about what happened to granpa ("He just up and disappeared one day"). She develops a relationship with Ricky (local boy) even though he informs her that her precious gramps was nothing but a "drunk and a cheat". The local cop investigates a missing real estate developer whose porsche is hilariously found underneath a hay bail. Upon informing his supervisor that this makes "six missing persons reports in the last two years" he's told to "quit makin like the FBI". Being from a small town, I can tell you that they captured the attitude flawlessly! Um, yeah. My favorite characters were Mr. & Mrs Browning, two guests of the Inn. Actually, we learn that Mrs. Browning is not Mrs. Browning at all, but a rampant sinner (mistress) which doesn't sit well at all with the puritanical granny Chalmers. Is it a coincidence that the Brownings wake up the next day to find themselves drowned at the bottom of the quarry?

Several scenes are shot and framed like a slasher film. I guess that's the classification, albeit a tepid slasher film, since the body count didn't even manage to exceed four. Even worse, all but one of the kills were completely bloodless and two victims were killed at once as their car was pushed into the quarry. This actually had the look and feel of a TV movie (the lack of blood and breasts didn't help deter this assumption). A black cat screeches its way through the entire picture but serves only to terrify Heather and, I'm sure, smell up the set. There's a twist at the end that's incredibly obvious. Normally, I hate when reviews even mention a twist because that, in itself, is a huge spoiler. Still, this twist is painfully obvious especially if you've ever seen Psycho. In fact, that's the main problem with this picture besides the lousy acting, lighting, lack of effective kills, lack of tension or suspense, no tits, etc, etc. Too many scenes were ripped right out of Psycho that it becomes distracting; car being extracted from the quarry, granny's sillhouette behind a curtain, epilogue explaining a certain, um, someone's (*cough* granny *cough*) mental illness. So, here's your fucking spoiler! Obviously, granny walked in on Mr. Chalmers screwing some hussy, killed them both and took on a part of his personality. Now she gets to have conversations with herself, kill a bunch of people (a pathetic 4. 5 if you count the off screen killing of the real estate developer), be institutionalized and, later, declared sane. Then she returns to the "tourist home" and takes in Meg Tilly as a boarder. They go on to develop a beautifully lesbian state approved relationship. God help Ms. Tilly if she strays.

A couple of final notes:

• In flashbacks we learn that Mr. Chalmers was truly a drunken old coot that got off on terrifying children, over imbibing, and banging ladies that were not his wife. So, it's hilarious when granny starts bickering with him at the end. She should have kicked the old bastard to the curb long ago.
• Also, I was relieved to learn that Mittens the cat was not injured during the filming of this picture. Afterwards, however, the poor thing walked in front of himself, was then hit by a truck, scraped up with a shovel, and tossed in the quarry.

A Nightmare On Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985)

Freddy Kreuger is so gay in this picture that I had to check the credits to make sure Clive Barker didn't pen the screenplay. Not that there would be anything wrong with that. There's plenty of room in the world for a gay Freddy Kreuger. At least as much room as there would be for a straight pinhead. It doesn't help that Freddy's chosen victim is an effeminate teen named Jesse (Mark Patton) who is constantly waking up from his nightmares screaming like a little girl. Also, there's a scene where Jesse follows his gym teacher into an S&M club. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Also, I don't mean to imply that S&M is, in any way, necessarily gay.

As a kid, I always preferred this one to the original. What was I thinking?? I didn't really remember all the homoerotic content or, more likely, I simply didn't understand it at the time. It didn't register. What I did remember were the three magnificent set pieces (a little more on those later) that make this, otherwise piece of crap, worth watching. A few years after the events of the original film, a new family (The Walshes) move into the house on Elm Street once occupied by Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) and company. Jesse stays in Nancy's old room and finds her diary which details her encounters with Freddy Kreuger, the infamous burnt to a crisp child murderer. Freddy starts communicating with Jesse and asks if he would mind killing for him. Jesse says no, so Freddy just plants his seed inside him instead (i.e. he can just possess him whenever he feels like it, apparently). Finally, he doesn't have to wait for "his children" to fall asleep to slaughter them. Jesse can do it for him. Based on the mythology of the first movie, this makes very little sense, but I guess it doesn't have to. It is a shitty horror movie after all. Except for Clu Gulager as Jesse's dad. He's still cool.

The director of this picture is the underrated Jack Sholder (The Hidden). To me, it doesn't really matter that Craven had nothing to do with the script since for every The Hills Have Eyes and the original Nightmare there's also a Hills Have Eyes 2 and a Vampire in Brooklyn. Unfortunately, the guy they got to write this sequel, David Chaskin wrote absolutely nothing else of note. It shows. The story is awful. I think he, or more likely someone else, came up with three good set pieces and then Chaskin connected the dots. This is, by far, the least scary of all the Nightmares. Not one god damned ounce of tension. Robert Englund, as Freddy, is a non factor. He has a few lines here and there, but was a lot scarier in the first one where he rarely talked at all. My favorite character was Marshall Bell (Starship Troopers) as Coach Schneider, who, after being caught by Jesse in an S&M club takes him back to the gym, forces him to run laps, and then tells him to "hit the showers" (all while dressed in his leather club outfit!).

The movie opens in spectacular fashion when Jesse is riding the school bus home (set piece #1). Instead of making the stop at his home, the driver floors it and takes the kids off road and into the desert where after finally stopping, the ground crumbles around the bus leaving them balanced upon a precipice (a scene later echoed in the brilliant South Park episode called "City on the Edge of Forever"). It's clear that besides working in a power plant during his life, Kreuger was also a pretty accomplished school bus driver (easy access to children). He's still got it and I enjoyed the quick cut to him working that stick.

The second set piece involves Jesse's best friend, Grady (Robert Rusler) keeping an eye on Jesse in case Freddy decides to take him over again. The plan being that Grady will prevent Jesse from killing anyone. Of course, they lack a contingency plan for what happens if Freddy possesses Jesse and decides to make Grady his victim. The moment when Freddy slices his way out of Jesse's body is as good as any scene in the series. It's hard to tell if this occurs in Grady's dream or in reality, since moments after Grady is dead, Jesse is staring at Freddy in the mirror as Grady's parents attempt to break down the door. Finally (3rd set piece), Freddy makes an uninvited appearence at a late night pool party, but drops the ball when he neglects to boil "his children" as they swim.

Unfortunately, the rest of this picture (all 80 minutes or so) is garbage. Clu Gulager's (Jesse's dad, remember) motivation for staying in the house (after his son is driven insane, things randomly catch on fire, the average temperature is 97 degrees, previous murders from the first film, and so on) is that he got a great deal on the place. That's it. Fuck the well being of his family, he's got shutters to paint. Jesse is clearly on drugs (actually, he does chug coca-cola while popping speed to stay awake, not that it matters because I think Freddy can jump into his body regardless). Jesse, himself, is a whiny little bitch although his girlfriend is a cute fire bush, so there is that. Kudos to Jesse. Way to live a lie, buddy. The dream sequences, what little there are, lack any of the nonsensical tension of the first picture. Still, the film's main failing lies in the portrayal of Freddy Kreuger who exudes almost no menace when he tells his possessee, "I need you Jesse". Kreuger, let me direct you to the co-dependancy section at your local bookstore, you fucking pussy.