Combat Shock (1986)

It's been a while.  Sorry about that.  I probably lost about half my audience in the process, so we're down to four of you.  Thanks for sticking with me.  I'm not really sure what happened.  A part of me just lost interest there for a bit.  Watching movies is easy.  Writing about movies is slightly less easy.  Easier to just watch another movie.  In addition, the quality of my write ups over the last year or so has gone downhill.  I'm not interested in writing proper reviews, but that's exactly what I've been doing.  As if I know shit about directing, and colors, acting, or music, etc.  Well, I know a little but to tell you the truth, I don't really care.  Give me a good story, some breasts, a weird diverging subplot or two, some capable action, and a few funny lines.  That's the kind of stuff I appreciate.  So, again, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you lately. I'm trying to get better.  Well, not really trying that hard.  I am pretty god damned lazy after all.

Anyway, so we're back with this picture called Combat Shock which has been labeled a "Tromasterpiece" by Troma themselves.  I find myself agreeing.  It's the only Troma movie I've seen that actually feels like a real movie.  And, it's depressing as all hell, although that depressed feeling is lightened somewhat by several goofy vintage Troma moments as well as some shitty acting.

The picture opens with some cheap scenes set in Vietnam where this guy Frankie was sent to fight the Cong.  Things didn't go well over there for Frankie but at least he made it home.  Unfortunately, his home was Staten Island which, if you ask this movie, was not much better than Vietnam at the time.  See, Frankie returns home a broken man and also a broke man.  He has a wife but she's an overweight nagger with an annoying New Yawk accent.  He's got an infant son but his son has been mutated due to the agent orange that got into Frankie's sperm.  He's got a job but his job only involves walking around all day, avoiding gangs, waiting in line at the employment office, talking with his best friend whose a junkie, and avoiding underaged hookers and their pimps.  And, his job doesn't pay.

So, like most movies that deal with Vietnam War veterans life is not good.  It's downright terrible.  You might say that you can take Frankie out of the war but you can't take the war out of Frankie to regurgitate some oft used cliche about war veterans.  Combat Shock does something no Troma film (at least ones I've seen) has ever been able to do.  It manages to achieve a gritty realism.  The acting is shoddy, almost across the board, but it's not self referential.  It's not cutesy.  Strangely, it feels genuine.   Basically, this is Troma's Taxi Driver.  We got the Vietnam veteran that hates what his city has become.  A vile cesspool of filth and smut.  At one point, Frankie even talks to a fifteen year old prostitute but that conversation is abruptly cut off by her pimp and we never see her again.  Unlike Travis Bickle, Frankie isn't really interested in cleaning up the streets.  He just wants to "save" his family.  If you're wondering why I put save in quotes you can probably guess that it means he wants to save them in the wakco sense of the word and not the literal sense.

The entire picture takes place over the course of one day.  Frankie walks around.  A lot.  Every now and then we're treated to a flashback from the war of Frankie in "the box" or some shit like that to illustrate what he went through and kind of give us a sense of why he is where he is.  He calls his father, who had a lot of money, from a payphone and begs for his help.  His father doesn't recognize him at first, thought he died in the war, and is dying himself.  Also, he lost all his money so thanks anyway pops.  Frankie is in debt to some loan sharks who hound him throughout the picture.  Eventually, they catch up to him and beat the shit out of him in some abandoned warehouse.  During the course of his travels that day, Frankie came across a gun.  He blows his assailants away in the first truly visceral moment of the entire picture.  Unfortunately, it took nearly an hour for us to get to this point.  Everything else before was just about the slow build to what is ultimately a brutally shocking, and strangely humorous, climax.

Spoilers to follow so beware. Frankie finally makes it home where his wife has spent the day scrounging around their filthy apartment looking for food to feed the baby (she settled on stale bread crumbs and water).  She immediately starts in with the nagging to which Frankie responds with a pull of the ol' trigger of love....meaning he shoots her.  Ok, none of this is really "strangely humorous".  I'm not sure where I got that from now that I think about it.  He blows away his wife and then walks into his kids room and blows away his baby (which by the way, resembles the love child of E.T. and Belial).  As the sirens close in, he grabs the baby and drops the thing in the oven (and turns it on) before putting the pistol to his own head and pulling the trigger in a shot that is an obvious nod to the climactic blood bath of Taxi Driver.  So, the part with the baby in the oven elicited a bit of a chuckle from this guy probably because the thing was a mutant but also because of now why the hell would he put the baby in the oven?  It's just so absurd.  Maybe he thought the starving baby could eat itself when it was done?  I have no clue.

So, this is one of the better Troma movies.  It's a bit of a smolder, has some ridiculous parts, but, other than the finale, never really turns offensive which is why it might throw some people off a bit.   I mean, it's weird watching a picture like this and not being subjected to even just a little bit of nudity.  And, not much happens until the last twenty minutes.  It's probably not well made enough to be taken seriously by most film critics or film snobs but if you're looking for something a little different that might end up punching you in the balls while also tickling them a little bit (not in a sexual way, more in a I'm laughing and this is sort of uncomfortable kind of way) this picture might be what you're looking for.

The Curse (1987)

The Curse is one of those 80s type films involving a meteor crashing to Earth in, or around, a small town and messing shit up for the yokel locals.  In this case, it lands on the property of abusive farmer Nathan Hayes, played by the spectacularly sinister Claude Atkins.  Nathan is a puritanical monster ruling over his familial unit with an iron backhand.  The meteor contains an oozing menace that infects his crops as well as the town's water supply.  The crops mutate into worm infested apples or something, while the tainted water changes those who imbibe into puss spewing creatures of the night (I think).

Loosely based on Lovecraft's "The Colour Out of Space" and directed with a sure hand by David Keith (yes, the actor), The Curse is an enjoyable tale well told.  Atkin's plays the Hayes patriarch as a cross between Mitchum's Harry Powell and....well....a puss dripping monster.  Able support is given by Will Wheaton as Nathan's ill fitting (adopted?) son and John Schneider (yep, Bo Duke) tags along as a scientist researching the town's odd happenings.

A side story about evil developers out to buy the Hayes farm on the cheap so they can put in strip malls or some shit only adds to the fun.  Also enjoyable, is the way Nathan continues to deny anything strange is happening even after his wife tries to eat their children.  Creepiness ensues after she's been locked in the cellar.  And then the house disintegrates for some unknowable reason that left me scratching my head.  Even some horribly shoddy effects work (meteor on a stick, anyone?) can't undermine this thing.

As an added bonus, here's a quickie review of The Curse II:  The Bite.  Well, shit man, this one is just a couple good scenes strung together by what seems like hours of tedious bullshit.  We got a guy and his girlfriend driving through the desert (were they running from someone or something?  Can't remember).  They stop to do some sightseeing on the side of the road when the guy is bit by a radioactive snake and then, SLOWLY, his arm starts to change into one (a snake I mean).  The two good scenes are the one where the young couple drive over a highway littered with snakes, which are beaten and battered in slow motion, and also when the guy's arm changes into a snake, while in bed with his girlfriend.  Then the guy chases his girl through some drainage pipes or whatever.  None of this has anything to do with the first picture.  Not much to recommend here.  Well, except for Jill Schoelen,  as the girlfriend, who is fairly adorable.  I can't remember if she got undressed in front of the camera or not.  Find out for yourself.

Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness (1986)

Let's keep this string of classics going.  Here's one that won a few academy awards and also that you'll find on most top 100 lists.  Or, maybe I'm mistaken.  Do they give academy awards to slasher films?  Probably not.  I'm also thinking they especially don't give academy awards to inept slasher films.  Well, I thought it had some good parts.  For example, this is one of the only movies ever made that features a drive by chainsawing.  The other one I'm thinking of is, of course, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.  Am I missing any others?   Anyway, at the very least, this is superior cinema to the Madonna documentary of the same name.  This one even has a cool subtitle: A Critical Madness.  Other than that subtitle and the drive by chainsawing, and also some boobies, this is mostly a piece of shit, albeit a sporadically enjoyable piece of shit.  Sorry for misleading you into thinking this was a multi-award winning classic.

The picture opens with a couple of people fucking which is probably how every movie ever made should open (well, maybe not Bambi).  We got boobies right away in this thing (and unfortunately, never again).  Tim Ritter, the director, masterfully cuts between the fucking and some nerdy bespectacled guy driving his car.  Turns out, he's the husband of the wife who is fucking some other guy.  Mike Strauber (the husband) is on his way home to give his wife, Sharon Strauber, some very good news.  He got the promotion at his accounting firm (or wherever it is he works).  Eventually, he arrives and walks around the house a bit calling out for his "honey".  While in the throes of passion she can't hear him.  It's amazing that he can't hear her either.  Finally, he gets to the bedroom, opens the door, and immediately slams it shut after seeing what's going on inside while shouting "Sharon!  How could you?"  He flees, she tries to stop him, then tells him "I'm sorry, I tried to tell you, this ain't working.  Maybe you should go out and find some good friends, live your life, etc."

Then we're subjected to long scenes of Mike driving to the beach, flash backing to all the hints of his wife's infidelities that, at the time, went unnoticed.  Long interminable scenes.  Later, he picks up an impossibly voluptuous strawberry blond, brings her to a campsite, builds a fire, sets up a tent ("you don't mind if we sleep in the same tent do you?").  A rousing game of truth or dare ensues.  Starts out innocently enough ("Do you still love your wife?") and ("I dare you to lift up your blouse").  Progresses to shit like "I dare you to gouge out your eye" and "I dare you to slice open your chest".  Also, the impossibly voluptuous strawberry blond was all in his head.  So, of course, Mike ends up in a sanitarium.

Basically, the movie goes like this.  Mike goes crazy, usually flashing back to his childhood and humiliating games of truth or dare.  Also, his crazy mother appears at times.  After these visions, Mike does something bad and ends up back in the psych ward.  Mike is later released, goes crazy again.  Back to the loony bin.  Mike escapes, goes crazy.  Back to the loony bin.  Rinse, wash, repeat.  Eventually, he completely loses it and plays truth or dare with a couple fellow inmates using the knife he apparently smuggled in using his anal cavity.  One guy cuts off his hand.  Another guy eats a grenade (also smuggled in somehow).  Mike cuts off his face and, I guess, this is the point where it becomes a traditional slasher film (about an hour in) since Mike now dons a copper mask.  He drives around like Michael Myers in that Halloween picture.  He also acquires an arsenal of weapons; including a chainsaw, a machine gun, a medieval mace, nun-chucks, hunting knives, etc.

Truth or Dare was shot in, and around, West Palm Beach, Florida so we got a lot of sunny, boring atmosphere.  We got a couple of bumbling cops hot on Mike's trail.  One cop accidentally burns down the town drunk thinking it's slasher Mike.  Later, he loses his car keys and has to drive around town in the back of a cab.  The end of this picture is pretty bat shit crazy as Mike just drives around killing people that remind him of other people that apparently tormented him throughout his life.  This being Florida, several of these victims are elderly including a poor trio that he machine guns while they're waiting for the bus.  The kills are extraordinarily unconvincing which sorta adds to the brilliance.  There's even a car chase that ends with one guy catching fire and getting shot multiple times as he burns.  Lots of fire in this thing.  That's where the budget went.  I almost wonder if the fire truck in this thing was a real fire truck responding to a fire these bozos started for the picture.

So, It's pretty fucking far from a classic but if you can wade through some of the boring parts there's a lot of fun to be had here.  I laughed every time they cut to the insane asylum when Mike is returned there.  Like I mentioned earlier, the kills were horribly executed.  Sometimes (all the time?) the camera would linger on the victim and would catch them breathing or scratching their ass or some shit.  Almost as if Tim Ritter were daring them to hold their position.  They never did.  Especially that one little leaguer that got drive-by chainsawed.  I can't wait to see some of this guy's other stuff.

Funhouse (1981)

The Funhouse is an interesting slasher film in that, after a terrific opening scene which pays homage to (while also spoofing) Halloween, it can barely be considered a slasher at all. I mean, we got lots of buildup for a movie that comes down to a retarded mutant and his father chasing four horny teens around a funhouse and offing them with little to no imagination. Tobe Hooper's followup to his adaptation of Stephen King's Salem's Lot is an interesting misfire which borrows Frankenstein's monster (in this case, Jason Vorhees if he'd lived long enough to become a teenage rapist) and places him within the interesting world of carnival sideshows. The opening scene is a classic of stalking and slashing and what can only be considered some wildly inappropriate nudity. For the first 30 or 40 minutes I was entertained by scenes of carnival peep shows, two headed cows, a fetus in a jar, crotchedy old fortune tellers, and the promise of "teens" (Buzz looks about 35) in "love" getting it on. Unfortunately, the picture eventually collapses under a mountain of tedium.

Basically, what we got here is a movie with a teen girl (Amy), her bratty younger brother (Joey), her boyfriend (the aforementioned Buzz), her two friends, and a carnival which leaves a series of murders and rapes in its wake. At the previous town, a couple girls were found dead so understandably Amy's father doesn't want her anywhere near the thing. So, they come up with a story about going to the movies or some shit and head out for a fun night of making fun of freaks and sneaking a peak at real live boobies. Then, one of them (I'm sure it was a guy) comes up with the brilliant idea of hiding in the funhouse, waiting for the carnival to close for the night, and then having sweet, sweet sex on the disgusting floor. Also, Amy's brother Joey sneaks in. Also, they witness a carny in a Frankenstein mask about to have sex with an old fortune teller, prematurely ejaculate, and then murder the old hooker rather than pay up. Also, the guy's a mutant and the shame of his father (also a carny) who, upon discovering the corpse, beats his son for forcing him to cover up yet another murder. Also, I think they found out the kids saw everything so then spent the last thirty minutes or so stalking and slashing them. Also, ZZZZZZZZZZZ......

I didn't like this one very much. I did enjoy the carnival atmosphere. It seemed like they filmed this thing at a real carnival. They even set up some rides and shit. I loved the stuff with them just walking around and taking it all in, mocking the weirdness of it all, staring at the two headed cow, etc. Once they witness the murder things just take a turn for the worse. I was bored. I mean, we know right away who the killers are. No suspense there. We know who is going to survive. The kills are all sort of matter-of-fact. We got a guy hung up by a noose and then axed to the head after he's already dead. We got a girl clawed to death. We got a gunshot wound I think. Strangulation. Not too many teens in this thing so not too many deaths I guess. Since we don't have much death or gore I guess the thing we'd look for is suspense, but this picture doesn't have any. What we're left with is an atmospheric exercise. Yeah, it looks pretty good and there's some nudity and shit but so what? Maybe this was enough in 1981 but today I got something called the internet. No reason to sit through a ninety minute picture looking for boobs when I can just find thirty second clips online. I guess my attention span is getting smaller. Hooper let me down here.

Strange Behavior (1981)

Strange Behavior is the first in a planned "strange" trilogy from director Michael Laughlin and writer, and future Oscar winner, Bill Condon. The second film, Strange Invaders, tanked at the box office and so dreams of a trilogy were dashed (thanks wikipedia). Well, shit, why don't I just start regurgitating everything I read in wikipedia? Did you also know the song played during the famous synchornized dance routine at the costume party was Lou Christie's "Lightnin' Strikes"? And that the soundtrack is by Tangerine Dream (see also Sorcerer)? Or that the star Michael Murphy was also in McCabe and Mrs Miller, a movie I just reviewed? Well, that shit wasn't in wikipedia and to be honest I didn't even notice he was in McCabe. I found that out when checking imdb to see if he was in The Car (he wasn't).

Anyway, what we got here is a pretty strange attempt at a slasher film and one that, probably, inspired the Katie Holme's (barely memorable) Disturbing Behavior. Kids are dying around the small town of whatever the name of the town in this movie is called, Illinois. We got a kid stabbed in the face, we got a human scarecrow, a shower murder, a near drowning, a back stabbing, etc. Sheriff John Brady (Michael Murphy) is reluctantly on the case. Meanwhile, his teenage son Pete tries to get laid. Throw a mad scientist in here somewhere and we got ourselves a plot.

The murders start out as your typical stalk and slash type killings with all of them, with a few exceptions, being perpetrated against kids. We got a kid home alone. He finds some cigarettes. The lights go out. He gets knifed in the face (in beautiful silhouette). Eventually, things get weirder though. We got one girl stalked while she steps outside of a party. The killer forces her into a pool, she splashes around alerting other guests, and the killer flees. Then...he stops. Takes off his mask and reveals himself as (SPOILER) Pete's best friend. Ok, the weird kid's the killer. Big deal. Later, we see another killing. And another (one scene includes a levitating killer's point of view), and another. Each time the killer is revealed (SPOILER) to be a different kid. Kids killing kids using the ol' stalk and slash technique. Interesting concept.

Well, of course there's something much more sinister than just simply kids killing kids going on. It might involve the lab running tests on local high school kids, a lab run by a mad scientist, who's supposed to be dead. Note to parents: Labs run by mad scientists are probably not good places to send your children. I gotta be honest, I kinda liked this approach. I'm a sucker for hackneyed science in film. However, a part of me wishes they had just kept with the randomness of kids killing other kids. Random usually equals scarier. Hokey science equals Mystery Science Theatre 3000. Still, glad this thing was mostly played straight. Mostly, except for one scene.

That scene being the absolutely amazing costume party sequence I referenced earlier. Forget, for a second, about the flying nun who isn't "wearing any panties" and concentrate just on the synchronized dance scene. Pay attention to Batman (my favorite character in the whole movie and he doesn't even have a line!). It feels completely out of place (which is just one reason I loved it). The dance culminates at about the 2:33 mark. After that, you can stop watching (or, by all means, don't). And, you know what, the rest of the movie isn't too shabby either. We also got genre stalwart Louise Fletcher (Invaders from Mars the remake) looking drunk in a throw away part. I'm pretty sure you'll like this one.

Eyes of a Stranger (1981)

So, I realize I've been MIA for a while. Nothing serious. I didn't die or anything like that. I didn't stop watching shit. All that happened was I got a little burned out from working two jobs, one of which is in retail. Put the retail together with the holiday season and you can maybe imagine not having the energy to write after getting home around midnight (with an early wake up looming the next morning). I'm gonna try to be better about this kind of shit in the new year. I've already scaled back my hours a bit at the second job. Of course, that means less money to buy booze but I guess I'll have to make do. I also realize that I've got no top ten list for 2009. I'll try to get something done by the end of the January. Gotta be honest, not sure if I saw ten movies from 2009 that I loved enough to fill up a list. Not sure I saw enough movies I hated to fill up a list either. Oh well, I'll try to get something but I gotta be honest again: I'm not a big fan of compiling lists.

Anyway, 2010 is off to a good start. I watched this little picture from the early 80s with a very (too?) young Jennifer Jason Leigh called Eyes of a Stranger. Tom Savini did the effects but I have a feeling most of the gory shit was cut out. The guy that directed that Nazi zombie movie, Shock Waves, directed this as well. Basically, what we got here is Rear Window by way of The Miracle Worker. Jason Leigh is the Helen Keller part, rendered deaf, blind, and mute by a childhood trauma (involved abduction and other unsavory details). She now lives in a luxurious apartment building with her newswoman sister, Jane Harris (Lauren Tewes), in Miami. Meanwhile, there's some psychopath going around the city prank calling women, fondling their breasts, and then murdering them. Thankfully, Leigh is sheltered from this kind of stuff since she can't read the paper, listen to the radio, or watch her sister deliver the news reports.

Turns out, their apartment tower has a twin. What are the chances the killer lives directly across from their balcony? In a city of millions, I would figure not very good but since this is a movie I'd say the odds are more likely 1:1. The picture does a poor job of concealing the killer's identity. I mean, it could only be that creepy businessman who comes home late one night, parks in the garage (while Jane watches), has blood on his shirt, and disposes of some suspicious garments in the trash. Jane is already paranoid as indicated by the scene(s) where she interrupts her news casting partner to reiterate that women should report anything they see that appears out of the ordinary (1981 predates 9/11/01 so this is some eery shit).

Jane figures out which apartment the guy lives in (via some Nancy Drew-ish type bullshit) and then begins an investigation of her own. At one point, she even steals his key from the super, snoops around his place, etc only to have the creep come home mid-snoop, leading to a daring escape by swinging down to the balcony below. The suspense from this picture is generated not by the killer's identity, but, I guess, by who will live and who will get their head hacked off and shoved in a fish bowl. I can deal with this type of suspense.

John Disanti plays the killer as sort of a blank. He's good. We know the guy wears suits but we don't know what he does for a living (besides raping and murdering). We know he's got resources which allow him to get ladies phone numbers and also know when they are home or at work alone. His abilities frequently border on the supernatural such as the time he calls the secretary that's working late at her desk. She flees to the elevator and he calls her there. Then she flees to the her car in the underground garage and I'm pretty sure he's gonna be waiting for her in the back seat. See, here's what doesn't make sense about this scene. It becomes established that the secretary heard music on the other end of the phone. Jane discovers that this music came from the cuckoo clock in the killer's apartment. Now, how in hell did the killer get from his apartment (where presumably he called from) to the parking garage - miles away- in a matter of seconds? Wait, am I actually dissecting Eyes of a Stranger? Moving on.

There are a couple effective scare scenes. One involves a stripper, as these type of scenes usually do. Our killer (who, by the way, sorta looks like Raymond Burr) follows a stripper home from her club (plenty of boobies there). She gets home, takes a shower. We expect a slow Hitchcockian build up to her death. Not really. Immediately after starting her shower, she turns around (more boobies) and sees the killer with his face planted on the shower door. It's jarringly unexpected, which is why it works so well. The other scene involves Jennifer Jason Leigh being home alone only to have the killer break in, strangle her seeing eye dog, and then fuck with her. His fucking with her involves rearranging things around the apartment. At first, it's kinda silly but quickly progresses to disturbing. Of course, he wildly underestimates Jason Leigh's character. Yes, we see her breasts. I'm still not sure if she's of appropriate age. I guess I could look it up but I don't really want to know the answer.

Anyway, this is a pretty good picture. As far as Rear Window knock offs go I'd say it's about on par with Mimic 3 and Abominable. There's not an original bone in it's body. The cinematography is pedestrian. The performances are mostly solid though, especially John Disanti as the killer and Jason Leigh (in a mostly silent performance). It's probably worth your time. This was Jennifer Jason Leigh's first performance. Also, her breasts.

Sodoma's Ghost (1988)

Shit man, do I still have a blog? Totally forgot. Apologies. So, I had a few friends over and we watched this masterpiece called Sodoma's Ghost. Directed by Lucio Fulci (Zombie, The Beyond, Four of the Apocalypse, etc), Sodoma's Ghost is the story of some sexually depraved Nazi's who take over a brothel in France (during the WWII), indulge in sexual depravities, and then die (apparently)mid to post coitus when the house is bombed by Allied forces. I think. Then these dead aryan motherfuckers rebuild the house and wait for 40 some odd years for a group of horny teenagers to get lost, find the house, and become subjected to more depravities of a sexual nature. By ghosts. It's absurdly thrilling.

By "absurdly thrilling" I mean tedious, pointless, thrill-less, not erotic at all, etc. Piece of shit is the gist of what I'm getting at. There's an orgy at the beginning. It's not titillating in the least. I mean, we got naked breasts but no real context. It's like flipping through a late 80s playboy or something. Mildly amusing, can't not look at naked breasts, but you forget about them almost immediately. Also, it's unfortunate that I didn't take any notes because I can't remember certain details. For example, I don't know the names of any of the characters. Also, what the hell was the plot? I think I made that first paragraph up.

Uninvolving is a good way to describe this thing. It's a "later Fulci" which I guess is a way of describing pictures he made simply for the point of making a picture. Going through the motions is a good way of putting it. Unfortunately, Fulci's not good enough to pull this kind of shit off. Basically, what we got here is a ghost story with no scares. No tension. Fuck, I can barely remember any gore. I do remember the teenagers stumbling upon the house. I remember they had surf boards on their car?? Not sure where they were going to surf as there's no water in sight. I remember they got separated once inside the house. I think someone got their throat cut but that might be from a different movie. There's a blond Nazi ghost soldier in here somewhere. He appears to them as a solid human, I'm assuming so he could perform sexually. Some things happen, teens die, there's a scary mirror at one point, maybe some possession (?), and a few more breasts.

Then, the movie ends (major spoiler) with the house being bombed again or something, and the teens all wake up outside. Turns out the house was destroyed all along, it was all in their heads, or maybe this was a new set of teens and the ones from the beginning become sex starved apparitions for use in the, still unproduced, sequel? I don't know. Who can remember this shit. Also, I was drunk. Not Fulci's finest hour (and a half).

Dead End Drive In (1986)

Dead End Drive In is the 80s. Aussie style. Which is to say its got the neon, the synthesized music, but also the punks with mohawks, bleached hair, and souped up cars. I imagine this is supposed to take place in the same world as Mad Max, only in the city (Sydney). Also, the world didn't crumble necessarily as a result of nuclear holocaust. Mainly, it was just the apathetic youth and their gang mongering. We got economies failing, riots breaking out, wholesale slaughter, gangs roaming the streets, rampant racism, and in Cape Town there was even something called "The Great White Massacre". Hundreds of thousands killed in that one. Great white sharks mutated, grew legs, and took to the streets. I assume. Anyway, back in Australia we've also got car crashes. Lots and lots of car crashes.

So, you can imagine that while most industries are failing at least the tow truck industry is booming. These guys are the bad asses of the post apocalyptic 1990s (yeah, the movie may have dated itself a little). Frank (Ollie Hall) is the poster boy for bad ass tow truck drivers. His younger brother Crabs (Ned Manning)? Not as much. Crabs (so named because he "thought (he) had it once") is small, but he tries hard. The life of a tow trucker is dangerous, but he wants in. Frank isn't so sure. His mother says he can eat all the shit he wants, work out as hard as he can but he'll always be small. Frank reluctantly takes him along one night. They come upon an accident. The cops are useless. People are dead or dying. Another tow truck arrives simultaneously. Frank lays claim to all three cars. So does the other guy. Frank's bigger. They strip the cars while fending off roving gangs. Just another night.

I liked the introduction to this world. I like that a guy with blue collar skills is king. And, like most kings, Frank's got his treasure; a gorgeous red 57 Chevy. He won't mind if Crabs takes it out for a spin, maybe pick up Carmen (his girl) and hit the drive in for a night of Ozzploitation films? He'll have the car back before Frank even knows it's gone. Well, like most futuristic worlds this one's got some unusual rules. Like, it's illegal to walk on an "S" road which sucks for Crabs after his tires are stolen while making love to Carmen in the back seat. So, he and Carmen are stuck there. Just like all the other teenagers wandering around the place. I guess they didn't notice all the broken down cars when they pulled in? Or, the electrified fence, or the locking gates? Man, this place is like a serious dead end or something.

Crabs isn't like most post apocalyptic 90s Aussie teens though. He's not content to live a life of movies, junk food, and raucous parties (filled with sex, drugs, booze, etc). He wants out. Carmen's more typical. She befriends some girls and before you know it they're doing each other's hair. Punk style. Crabs befriends the manager of the establishment (the only adult on site). He wants new tires, a phone, anything. Frank's gonna be pissed! Crabs settles for a fosters and some talks. There's gotta be more to life than this.

I had a lot of fun watching this picture. I mean, imagine a concentration camp for teenagers? We got lots of great 80s sounding music. A few explosions, a car chase, a couple fights. I expected these kids to form gangs and battle it out, but that never really happened. The only conflict, in this regard, was that Crabs wanted out and the other teens want to stay. The atmosphere is intensely 80s and helped by the fact that the whole thing is set in a drive in. I recognized a couple of the movies shown; Brian Trenchard Smith's great Turkey Shoot and The Man From Hong Kong. Trenchard Smith directed this picture as well. Also, the one where the leprechaun goes into space. Stick to the Aussie shit, man. This one would have been fun with a few friends and a few beers. I made due without any of those things.

It's Hallo-fucking-Ween (a week and a half late): Wrapping it up with some mini-reviews!

Yep, Halloween was a week and a half ago and I'm just finishing this thing up now. No apologies necessary. It's my blog and I don't get paid for this shit. Also, I wasn't around on Halloween and then I just sort of forgot all about it. Also, I don't have any movies fresh in my head to finish this countdown off with. So, instead of the standard shit, you're getting the shorter, less detailed, shit. I may expand on these write ups at some point.

Tourist Trap (1979)
Tourist Trap is just strange. Like Pixar's Cars it's a movie about the death of the small town. The interstate highway system swoops in replacing the old system of routes and..uh...non-interstate highways. Little towns become disconnected from all but the most patient of travelers. Businesses must either relocate or eventually fade into oblivion. One such place is SLAUSEN'S LOST OASIS, an old timey wax museum run by Chuck "The Rifleman" Connors. Still open for business, but failing to get any. Connors (as Mr. Slausen) is forced to be aggressive to drum up customers. Luckily for him, he comes across four teens searching for their friend (the friend's demise is splendidly depicted in the opening scene). By "looking for their friend" I mean skinny dipping in a swimming hole (unfortunately for us, no nudity which is an absolute shame when you consider that Tanya Roberts is one of the teens. Doubly frustrating when you remember that she showed her assets in the PG rated Beastmaster). The teens end up at the tourist trap (car trouble?), admire the wax figures for the life like artistry, drink sodas, get separated, and then slowly picked off one by one. You know the drill. Standard shit, except for several unique touches strewn throughout. You got weird humor, telekinesis, creepy mannequins that seem to come alive, chases through a swamp, and an oddball score. The final freeze frame is hilarious in its bizarreness. A somewhat forgotten oddity that deserves a renaissance.

Kidnapped (1974)
Out of all of Mario Bava's pictures, this is definitely my favorite. It's easily his most modern. Shelved for over twenty years (after Bava died and the studio went bankrupt) it was finally released in the 90s. I've seen two different cuts (Rabid Dogs and Kidnapped) and if they were fresher in my mind I might actually take the time to dissect the differences. What we have here is something completely unlike any of Bava's other works. Gone are the gothic trappings, the supernatural elements, any of that giallo shit we might be used to. Instead, everything is stripped bare. It's like the Bava accoustic album (don't worry, the score is pretty fantastic). It's like Bava watched Last House on the Left and then decided to make something similar while setting the entire thing in a car. Not just any car. A little car. The plot is simple. Four hoods, with names like "Blade" and "Thirty Two" rob a bank and, in the process of getting away (during which their driver is shot and killed), commandeer a new car and take some hostages (a man, a sick child, and a woman). Bava prepares us for the trip by involving the hoods in a standoff with the police where one of the hoods slits a woman's throat to show they mean business. We now realize anything can happen in that car...and anything pretty much does. Their boss attempts to maintain order and, for a while, he's successful. The tension escalates until it becomes nearly unbearable. Bava plays around with identity. The horrors here are real. We even got a scene where a poor woman urinates for her captor's amusement (and if that doesn't sell you on this thing, well, uh....). I was going to mention how this was a clear influence on Reservoir Dogs (at least in part) but according to the imdb it was released five years after Tarantino's film. You'll be disturbed and exhilarated simultaneously. The ending of this mother will shock you.

Chopping Mall (1986)
I'd long considered Chopping Mall as one of my own personal holy grail type films. The kind I'd long heard about but wasn't quite sure if I'd ever get a chance to see it. Basically, I'm lazy since this film really isn't that hard to track down. It's not on NETFLIX but damned if I couldn't find it on AMAZON. Anyway, I found a shitty edition in NEWBURY COMICS for ten bucks and it was totally worth it. A science fiction/horror amalgam filled with humor, references to Roger Corman films (his wife produced this), large naked breasts, and gore. Several horny teens get trapped in a shopping mall. It's a high tech mall with steel doors that slam shut and won't open until morning. Also, there are some security bots roaming around. Actually, they were security bots until a random lightning strike rendered them killbots. Now they're out for blood and also to make sure people "have a nice day". Apparently, the stars of Eating Raoul (unseen by me) have a cameo. As does Dick Miller reprising his role as Walter Paisley (now a beatnick janitor apparently) from Roger Corman's great A Bucket of Blood. The cast of teens are disposable. Thankfully, they are. Disposed of I mean. The funniest moment involves them hanging out in a department store, broken off into couples, as the camera pans across them displayed (on furniture) in various states of fornication. It comes as no surprise that the two nerds of the group are shown platonically sitting on a couch engrossed in a shitty B movie. I want to say "clearly they lived" but I was too drunk to possibly recall such minute details. One girl's got porn star tits, and she shows them. That I remember. The robots are ridiculous looking but they get the job done. If you must, go to youtube and spoil the head shot.

That's all I got time for. Maybe check these out and pretend it's halloween or something.

2 Days: Dead and Buried (1981)

I came to Dead & Buried a little late. Almost 30 years after it's release. I remember staring at the VHS box whenever I went to the video store but, for whatever reason, I always went with something else. It's a good thing because I'm not sure my young, slightly less mature sensibilities would have appreciated this thing. You see, this is one of those pictures I think might qualify as a masterpiece, albeit a slowly burning one. I've been known to be wrong about these things though. Let's delve a little further.

Dead and Buried is the story of a quaint little seaside town called Potter's Bluff. Apparently it's situated in Maine but I kept getting the feeling it was Oregon (even though I've never been there...weird). Turns out it was filmed in California with fog machines turned up full tilt to give it that New England, non sunny, type of feel. So, what we got here is a California town that feels like Oregon, looks like Maine...and is heavy on the atmospherics. Also, only two breasts in the whole damned thing and they come at the beginning. In addition, I think there's a male ass in here somewhere.

Potter's Bluff is a fishing community where people don't do much in the way of fishing. The opening scene tells me what kind of picture I'm dealing with here. We got a guy, a tourist, alone on the beach snapping photos (a heavy motif throughout) of things one would encounter on the beach; shells, sand, rocks, a half naked broad waiting to throw herself at you, etc. They have a great little introductory conversation where she gives him the name Freddie ("you look like a Freddie") and he dumbly accepts it not really giving a shit. Then he starts snapping photos of her telling her what great potential she has, she could be in PLAYBOY, holy shit can't believe she just took off her top and now I'm snapping her tits, etc, etc. Tell 'em what they want to hear and you'd be surprised what they'll do for you is a common mantra amongst some men. Not me, of course.

Anyway, at some point during the nude shoot on the beach, Freddie and the girl become surrounded by some sinister looking townsfolk. One guy takes the camera and starts taking photos of Freddie. They mess him up a bit, tie him to a pole, douse him in gasoline, and set the poor bastard on fire. Welcome to mother fucking Potter's Bluff, mother fucker. The town has a lot of skeleton's in it's closet I guess is the point of that opening scene, which is one of the better openings I've seen in a genre filled with...uh...good openings.

People come into this town, but they don't come out. Freddie's body is later found and Sheriff Dan Gillis (a splendid performance by James Farentino) is on the case. Only Freddie ain't dead yet. He's brought to the burn ward at Potter's Bluff General where he eventually succumbs to a syringe shoved into his brain by way of his eye courtesy of Nurse Lisa (the girl on the beach) in a scene that Tarantino was probably thinking about when he shot a similar scene in Kill Bill (also Brian DePalma).

Farentino gives his all as Gillis but the show is nearly stolen by that old stalwart Jack Albertson as William G. Dobbs, the local mortician. Albertson, in his final performance, is a joy to watch. Dobbs considers himself an artist and is never too broken up when a fresh corpse is brought to him. He prides himself on restoring his subjects to beauty whether they've been burned beyond recognition, knifed, gouged, etc. He's good at what he does but is "what he does" actually good? Also, what the fuck does he does?

Gillis is an outsider to Potter's Bluff himself. He met a local teacher (Melody Anderson), fell in love, married her, came to her town. Lately, she's been acting a little weird though. Teaching her class about voodoo is a little weird I suppose, but certainly nothing to get worked up over. Gillis is a bit of a straight arrow I have to admit. Though, her disappearing most nights is also a bit odd and perhaps his cause for concern is justified.

The picture layers on surprise after surprise but does it in a subtle way. We learn a little bit about Dobbs, a little about the townspeople, a little about why when a corpse is exhumed they don't find the corpse but instead just a wrapped up human heart, and so on. All important reveals, sure, but it's all just a set up for the final reveal which I have to admit I didn't see coming and is a slight nudge to the balls if not a full on kick. A few innocents try driving through the town but, like I blatantly spoiled earlier, not one of them makes it out. The attacks are increasingly tense with one guy snapping photos of the horrified victims as the rest of the townspeople close in for the kill. It's like a zombie attack only if one of the zombies had been a photographer in his prior life and remembered the act of snapping photos but not what it signified. Or, whatever. This is scary shit. Also, why do victims of this zombie-like mob turn up later working at gas stations in Potter's Bluff or at the grocery...or the local strip bar (I'm assuming the Bluff has a strip club and that some of these victimized women turned up working there).

The picture's got everything you want, but rarely get, in a horror film. An incredibly ominous atmosphere (fog machines, a real seaside town, believably creepy architecture), some terrific performances, genuine shocks, and some perfectly realized gore effects created by Stan Winston. Speaking of Alien, this thing was also written by Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shushett, who co-wrote that earlier masterpiece as well. Two masterpieces in row is pretty rare, but I think they've done it. My seal of approval comes with the knowledge that I watched this thing sober and still enjoyed the hell out of it. Try to keep at least one eye open or you might miss a very young Robert Englund as one of the creepy residents. Also, Barry Corbin (Wargames, No Country For Old Men) shows up and doesn't speak a word of dialogue that I can recollect. Shit man, just watch the thing. We got tits, scares, creepy going ons, etc.

Wow, Halloween is really tomorrow???? (note: I'm finishing this up on November 9).

13 Days: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Now this is a sequel. Don't just remake the first movie (see Pumpkinhead 2). Here they take some of the characters from the first picture (the cook, Leatherface, granpa) and set them in a completely different locale (Dallas instead of South Texas), different time period (The 80s) and give them an opponent who is almost as crazy as they are (Dennis Hopper's "Lefty" Enright). They also manage to introduce a few new characters, Chop Top (a member of the Sawyer clan who was serving in Vietnam during the events of the first film), Stretch (a radio DJ and screamer), and L.G., Stretch's producer. Oh, and they also amp up the black comedy which, while present, wasn't very pronounced in the first picture.

The picture begins during the weekend of the annual Oklahoma/Texas football game, which is a pretty big event down in those parts apparently, a fierce rivalry where players and fans of the opposing teams loathe each other, drink to excess, and raise all kinds of hell. Also, it's the weekend of the world famous Texas Chili cook off. The picture opens with a couple of Oklahoman college boys driving down a stretch of Texan highway, boozing heavily, and shooting up anything "Texas" (we got a "remember the Alamo" sign, mile markers, etc). They call in to a radio station (DJ'd by "Stretch", played by Caroline Williams) annoying the hell out her, holding up the line, berating her, etc. She tells them to "hang up the phone" and finally, they do. Later, these two assholes play chicken with a confederate flag adorned pick up, running it off the road. Hours later, it's night time, and these punks are still going, calling in to the Stretch's show again, when they encounter that same truck. A great scene ensues involving a little more chicken, the world's longest bridge, and a chainsaw wielding psychopath in the back of the pickup, dancing, propping up a dessicated body (hitch hiker from the first film?), and sawing the shit out the Oklahoman car, and also the top off the driver's head as his stunned friend fires his pistol wildly missing the broad side of the proverbial barn. Stretch hears it all, and records it all.

Next day, we see Dennis Hopper investigating the crash. Turns out, he's a former Texas Ranger, and the uncle of Sally (the screamer from the first film) who has not recovered from a state of catatonia induced from the first massacre. So, he's got a bone to pick, has traced the family to the Dallas area, eventually teams up with Stretch, wields some saws of his own, etc.

The poster above gives you some indication that this isn't your father's Chainsaw as it's a clever spoof on The Breakfast Club poster. Yes, it's more gory, but it's also incredibly funny. See, the Sawyers have traveled north to participate in the chili cook off. Apparently, they have a home in those parts. An underground lair decorated with bones and Christmas lights. Jim Siedow, as Drayton Sawyer ("the cook"), is the only recurring actor from the first film and he's pretty hilarious, gets off some great lines such as, when chastising Leatherface, "It's sex or the saw!". Yes, much of the menace has been lost. Bill Johnson portrays my favorite version of Leatherface. He's hitting puberty, wants a girlfriend, and is more than suseptible to being pussy whipped. He wields his chainsaw as if an extension of himself, also as his cock. His first encouter with Stretch (at her radio station) ends with her convincing him to let her go by coming on to him ("you know how to use that thing?"). He spends the rest of the picture covering up her survival to the other members of his clan. Of course, grandpa is back and while he may have once been as "fast as Jesse James" with his braining hammer, that's not really the case these days. Oh, and the hitchhiker's body appears. Even in death, the family embraces his lunacy.

And then there's Chop Top, played over the top bat shit insanely by Bill Mosely. He's become somewhat of an iconic character. During the first film, he was in 'Nam (almost makes you feel sorry for Charlie, not to mention the other poor bastards in his platoon). Top came back with a steel plate in his head, which he covers with his "Sonny Bono wig". Through out the picture, he scratches at the loose skin around the plate with a coat hanger, picks the loose flesh off, and eats it. He also comes with a catch phrase: "Dog will hunt". He frequently adds "dog" or "hog" to various expletives, i.e. "you dog dick" or "you hog bitch". A welcome addition to the "chainsaw" universe.

As is Hopper as "Lefty". Sadistic, broken, insane, etc. He's given up everything in the hopes of avenging the pain that's befallen his family. It's not enough for him to kill the Sawyer clan. It would be easy to load up with some heavy artillery and blow them all away. In one of my favorite scenes, he shows up at a chainsaw store, plops down a pile of $100s, and begins testing them out as the proprietor looks on. He takes a few saws outside and brutally hacks at a log as the owner looks on, first frightened, then licking his lips excitedly, getting off, etc. Oh, and a marching band plays in the background.

Of course, the picture culminates in a showdown in the Sawyer underground lair, a masterpiece of set design. A clever statement on the over indulgences of the 80s, a disease that clearly the Sawyer's weren't immune to. Anyway, the family sits down to dinner, Stretch is brought out (screaming, she does this through most of the last 1/3 of the movie), granpa goes to "work", and Lefty begins hacking and sawing his way through the tunnels, trying to crash the party while singing "bringing in the sheep". Chop Top adds the harmonies. It's all bizarre, sort of frightening, and uncomfortably funny. The picture ends with the tables being completely turned on the original. Tobe Hooper has nothing to worry about. His legacy is firmly secure with this one; also Lifeforce (maybe even The Invaders from Mars remake). Not to mention the original Chainsaw. Yeah, it's been unfairly maligned, misunderstood from the get go by morons who wanted him to just repeat the first picture. This one holds up. It's not only a great sequel, but a great movie in it's own right.

16 Days: The Suckling (1989)

Holy shit am I tired. This was one of those fifteen hour days I talked about at the beginning of this feature (the now famous "19 Days until Halloween" thing). I'm going to keep this one very short. Thankfully, the picture I watched doesn't really merit a lengthy write up. Not that it wasn't fun. It sorta was. It's just how much can I possibly write about a movie where an aborted fetus mutates in some toxic waste and then tries to make it's way back home? Well, I could probably give you 1,500 words easy now that I think about it.

The Suckling is about as pro-life as a picture can get. Or, maybe it's just anti-back alley abortions? I'm not really sure and something tells me the filmmakers could give a fuck either. Here we got a picture about a young couple (the girl's knocked up) traveling to a New York City brothel where they hear they give out abortions or something. Yup, they were right. In the same building there's actually an abortionarium, which is probably not a bad idea. These procedures, administered by Big Mama (she doubles as the resident Madame), are not particularly sterile. We got a coat hanger, we got a toilet. That's pretty much all you need. The fetus gets unceremoniously flushed, ends up in the sewer, gets covered in toxic waste (of course!) and voila! A CHUD baby.

So, basically we got a Night of the Living Dead type situation where a bunch of assholes are holed up in a brothel, their exits blocked by giant plecenta. The fetus grows to enormous proportions and with incredibly jagged teeth. It's goal, to shove itself back up it's mothers womb.

The picture deals rather flippantly with some sensitive issues; abortion, suicide, anal penetration, etc. So, if you're easily offended best stay away. The Suckling would probably be considered the best picture Troma released, except they didn't release it. The fetus reminded me of the baby from Dead Alive. After growing to full size, it reminded me of the mother (also, Dead Alive). The original box art apparently claims this to have the suspense of Alien mixed with the non-stop action of Die Hard. I'm too tired to argue.

Basically, this is probably not a must see Halloween feature. I may have dropped the ball on this one, sorry. I enjoyed it despite watching it sober. We got a few breasts, an abortion procedure that shouldn't draw laughs but does, the world's deadliest umbilical cord, and one smart (and elusive) aborted mutant fetus.

17 Days to go: The Pit (1981)

The Pit is awesome. I could, and probably should, end the review there. This is the kind of picture that could never be made today. It stars Sammy Snyders as a twelve year old kid, named Jamie, whose only fucking friend in the whole world is a god damned evil teddy bear named Teddy. Oh sure, it's probably just all in Jamie's head, right? That's what I thought until the thing's eyes glowed red in the very first scene. Later, we see it's head turn when little Jamie isn't even in the room. Jamie loves talking about his friend Teddy and, later, about a pit full of trolls. Kids got an incredibly active imagination, huh? Nope, all real.

Shit man, Teddy is pretty much one of the greatest, although sadly underutilized, characters in moving picture history. The thing is a fucking pervert. He convinces Jamie to blackmail a neighbor into stripping in front of her open picture window (if she doesn't comply, they'll murder her kid) so Jamie can snap some photos. Later, we see Jamie and Teddy looking at the photos together. Teddy proclaims that he's "going to look at these all the time." Unfortunately, Teddy is a fairly minor character. Probably due to a limited effects budget. Every picture could use a little Teddy.

As great as Teddy is, Jamie's only a rung or two beneath him. Jamie's an odd kid. I've heard the word "autism" bandied about in a few reviews. I suppose it's possible. He's got one friend that's supposedly "imaginary". The one girl on his block that's his age is constantly making fun of him while her mother completely endorses her behavior. There's an old woman that gets pushed up and down the street in her wheelchair that says, about Jamie, "that boy ain't right." Kid can't catch a break. Even his own parents abandon him for an indeterminate amount of time (weeks?), leaving him in the incapable hands of his attractive babysitter, Sandy. Sandy studies psychology in school so she assumes she can handle Jamie. Jamie immediately falls in love with Sandy and before she realizes what's happening, he's convinced her to give him a sponge bath ("my mom does it for me."). This kid's got more guts than I ever had.

I guess there's a plot in here somewhere. It involves a pit that Jamie discovers at the end of a wooded path. In the pit, live four or five troglodytes (or "Trogs"), basically hairy trolls. Jamie takes an interest in them. No one believes him, except for Teddy. The Trogs are hungry. Jamie takes it upon himself to feed them. At first, he buys up all the steaks from the butcher shop. Then he tries to rob the delivery truck. Jamie runs out of steaks. That's when he comes to the realization that pretty much everyone in town hates him (little girl up the street, lady in wheelchair, babysitter's boyfriend, bully that won't let him in his club, etc)...So? It might take a little more prodding from Teddy to do what's on his mind. Not much.

Look, I'll be the first to admit that the picture is no masterpiece. I'm not even sure the word "good" applies. What it is...is entertaining as hell. We got a great, awkward performance from Sammy Snyder as the troubled kid. Some scenes, in particular the ones where he leads his victims to the pit, are side splittingly hilarious. There's an underlying creepiness throughout the whole thing. Of course, that's to be expected in a picture that has a scene where a twelve year old stares at his babysitter's exposed breast while she sleeps. Quint over at the Aint it Cool News wrote sort of an anti-review of the picture. His heart just didn't seem to be in it. He compares it to an "after school special that dips into weirdness" (which isn't a wholly inaccurate description) then dismisses it outright. The message of this particular after school special would be something like "be nice to the weird kid down the street....you know....the one that can't stop staring at your tits" or maybe "don't befriend a pit full of fucking trolls". I think I saw that one when I was a kid.

I could relate to this kid. I was a quiet kid early on, spent more time alone than with others. Spoke my first word later than what's considered "normal". I even had crushes on a couple of babysitters. Despite all that, I turned out alright. Other than the parts where he peeps in on naked women and causes the deaths of several of his neighbors, I'm not so sure he's that different from you or I. I can't really vouch for you, to be honest. Sorry. This is one of those pictures where, after it was completed, pretty much everyone involved called it a career. What's the point in continuing? This shit can never be topped.

Seriously man, it's good. There, I said it. It is good. I've almost got myself convinced. The ending, where poor Jamie is, once again, abandoned by his parents (this time, left in the incompetent hands of his grandparents), is delightfully warped. It's perfect for viewing with friends and booze or alone and sober. Teddy wants you to watch. Teddy wants you to turn off whatever motherfucking thing you're watching and put this shit in. Now.

House of Traps (1982)

I'll start off by saying I'm not that familiar with the Shaw Brothers and had no idea who Cheh Chang or his Deadly Venoms were before watching this thing. The way I stumbled upon this one is pretty simple. I was browsing some used DVDs, found House of Traps in a bargain section, read the premise, and bought it blindly. My knowledge of kung fu films is fairly limited. I loved Master of the Flying Guillotine and have great affection for Crippled Masters. I watched several others when I was a kid but can't, for the life of me, remember which ones. Still, I'm always looking to expand my filmatic horizons so it was almost a no brainer to pick this one up for seven bucks. Also, I loved Tarantino's Kill Bill pictures but I'm not sure those count.

Anyway, the premise, as it's written on the back of the DVD case, seemed pretty intriguing: "a team of skilled fighters, unleash their fury in a bloody frenzy when they infiltrate a mysterious, treasure-filled house designed to entrap and destroy all those who enter it."

Unfortunately, there's also a story that's a little too convoluted. We've got an emperor (I think he was slain early on, but not really sure to be honest), we've got a traitorous prince who steals some valuables, a jade horse (reused from Crippled Masters, perhaps), a royal pearl crown, and a list which contains the names of all those loyal to the prince, we've got various fighters (Black Fox, Water Rat, Tunnel Rat, etc), and we've got some pretty tacky costumes (including some rather odd head dresses).

The prince stashes the stolen treasure inside his house (the one from the title). Early on, there's a scene where an accomplished kung fu fighter breaks into the house and dies a pretty quick death. The house is a wonderful creation. Upon entering, you face several of the prince's guards who come out of secret passage ways. If you prove to be more than a match for them, they retreat as cage walls slam down barring your escape. Suddenly, the floor lowers to reveal row after row of spikes. Clearly the only move is to jump onto the central staircase. Unfortunately, the staircase turns into a slide and if you're not quick enough you'll fall onto the spikes. If you're quick enough to evade the trick staircase (this first guy ain't) you become trapped in some net thing that binds you while the prince's men come back out and fill you full of arrows. That's just the first floor.

So, we got a great premise here for a film. It's like a fucking video game. Unfortunately, in this case, they treat the thing like Jaws and rarely show it (a little at the beginning, a little in the middle, and then a lot more for the finale). I was hoping for a story where a few kung fu fighters get trapped in the house and then spend the entire movie trying to fight their way out. What we got instead is a story involving that corrupt prince, some magistrate guy, lots of talking, and not one single woman in the entire picture. Sure, there were some pretty cool characters. I loved the Black Fox who was a bit of a comedian and started off working for the evil prince but it turned out he was just playing him for a pauper or whatever. Also, he was the best fighter of the bunch.

Lots of unique weapons in this thing as well. I particularly liked the umbrella that doubled as a drill. Liked the grappling fist and also the standard metal pole. Some weird nunchuckas work their way into the mix as well. This thing was a little too light on the fights but they were all masterful. The choreography in this picture is incredibly impressive and makes a viewing more than worth it (also, the house). It's like a ballet only I was watching it. It's easy to see how this Chang guy (and his venoms) probably had an influence on Kill Bill. Apparently, this is the last of the venom films and also the rarest. Not sure if what I saw was complete or not. To be honest, I wouldn't mind losing some of the dialogue. Perhaps, the footage with the women was permanently lost? The lack of budget is evident in the minimal sets but really wasn't a problem. I don't know, I'll definitely check out more from this Chang guy. House of Traps is pretty good, but I'm not sure it's the place to start.

Conquest (1983)

Once upon a time there was this shitty land where you couldn't see shit through the perpetual mist. This land was swarming with all kinds of creatures; werewolves, cavemen, topless snake loving broads, barbarians, pseudo-gods, zombies, fake birds, etc. The land was ruled with an iron fist by this she-bitch named Ocron who must have been a pretty awful butter face since she wore a mask which she refused to take off. One day Ocron has a vision of being killed by a faceless man with sweet hair and a bow that shoots lasers. She orders her werewolves to search the land, find this man, and bring him to her. If they should happen to tear a few cavewomen to shreds in the process...well...she'll just look the other way.

Lucio Fulci (House by the Cemetery) fucked this one up when he made the stylistic choice to shoot it through a glass of milk to achieve a dream like atmosphere. Likely, this was his excuse after looking at the finalized footage. From what I saw, the opening was actually kinda brilliant. Werewolves storm a cave, brain an elder, grab a young woman by the legs and make like she's a wishbone. It's one of the greatest gore moments I've seen in a long while. I'm completely into the story at this point. Then we're introduced to the main character Ilias (who reminded me of Hamlin's Perseus) and Mace (looks kinda like Conan, acts like Beastmaster). These two meet after Ilias tries to use his bow, pathetically I might add, to fend off some werewolves in close combat. Mace comes to his rescue, swings his mace a few times, wins the battle and draws the ire of Ocron.

Well, I don't know, I liked the opening. Then, like so many movies from this era, the thing just got boring. Lots of walking across boring landscapes. We've got caves, we've got fields, we've got marshes, lakes, etc. All shit that's barely visible to the viewer. Ilias gets captured after meeting a cavegirl (a horrible instance of coitus interruptus), rescued (again), shot with a poison dart, and so on. He's not really a typical hero I guess. That would be Mace the Barbarian who preys to a god named Crom-os, but doesn't swing a broad sword. This movie is full of shit like magic that doesn't really seem magical (unless you consider rubbing plants on your puss-filled boils magic) and creatures that seem all too human (zombies, werewolves, cavemen, mummies, goats, etc).

I was intrigued by one scene. When Mace brutally murders a caveman who was just minding his own business and carrying home a lamb to feed his cave family. I guess it's easier for Mace to take a lamb off this dead bastard rather than to catch one himself. So, this Mace is not really a great guy, but I liked that shit. Makes him more real in a way. This is a harsh land with harsh rules. Kill or be killed, fuck or be fucked, eat or be eaten, etc. Mace is also interesting because he communicates with animals. He heals a hawk that's injured during his battle with werewolves, an innocent casualty. He kisses the thing and let's it fly off. "I thought you didn't have any friends" says Ilias, to which he responds "I said I didn't have any man friends". Then he banged a cavewoman and offered Ilias her sister. I can totally relate to this guy.

Alas, not really the type of picture where you might find a strong woman character. We got a girl that's torn in two, a girl that's brained after bearing her breasts. Ocron is pretty strong though. She walks around topless but you get the idea it's her decision. She tortures one of her creatures by twisting around an arrow that's been lodged in his leg. She wears a mask because we can guess underneath she's pretty god damned ugly. Nice tits though.

This movie has some other fantasy type elements (besides the breasts) like shape shifting in the form of a shape shifting character named Zora. He starts as a dog, then changes into a guy made of metal shingles. He can even turn into any one of the characters in this film. He's a pretty evil character. You'll just have to wonder if he ever uses that particular power. If he can manage to kill Ilias then Ocron promises he can have her body. "Forever?" he asks. Just keep that mask in place pal and you'll be alright.

Fuck, I forgot about the part where Mace gets saved by dolphins or where Ilias gets his head lopped off and Mace burns his body on a funeral pyre which slightly resembles a pig roast. I guess that's a bit of a spoiler. There's another part where an army of chirpy mummies kidnaps Mace and threatens to kill him if he doesn't reveal the location of Ilias but since we now know Ilias isn't long for this particular world, I guess the tension in that scene is pretty nil. Again, sorry.

I love a good sword and sorcery epic but this one was way too light on the swords (as in, there weren't any) and the sorcery consisted mostly of blue lasers shooting out of a bow (which admittedly, was fucking awesome). If you can forgive the way it was shot (through a haze of semen?) I guess it will give you a somewhat enjoyable 90 minutes. It's not as good as Conan the Barbarian or even The Beastmaster. Not as fun as Deathstalker. I can't think of a sword and sorcery epic this is on par with come to think of it. It's bad. Bad but watchable. I did get a laugh at the first line of the closing credits: "Any reference to people or events is purely coincidental".

Inseminoid (1981)

Well, shit man. Two alien rape films in a row! I can assure you this was not the intent. After sitting (suffering?) through Breeders I meant to take a breather from this, somewhat unfortunate, sub-genre. Too bad I forgot to check my netflix queue. Somehow, this one was on top. Similar to Breeders, I didn't take any notes during the thing. Also, like Breeders there is an alien involved. The main difference, as far as I could tell, was that the alien in Inseminoid (or Horror Planet as the version I watched was called) has a singular goal involving procreation. The alien in Breeders is more a fan of the act of bukake, involving three willing "virgins" from New York City. It's more interested in quick, sexual gratification, with anonymous partners.

I just wish the filmmakers (of Inseminoid) had some courage to go with their convictions. I mean, here we got an alien (that's shown once in a fairly dreamy, i.e. no budget, sequence) that rapes a woman with a see-through tube full of it's spunk. It must be it's race's version of a fertility doctor. So, it's an artificially inseminating alien, more than a rape-alien. Besides, rape, as a concept, may not exist for the thing. I actually liked the alien design but we almost never see it outside of this scene. Clearly, the film crew had no confidence in the appearance of their creation, their baby. After the victim, we'll call her Judy, is impregnated the picture follows her around as she insanely tries to defend her unborn alien fetuses (yes, Twins!). She murders with superhuman strength, drinks the blood from the bodies, screams incoherently, etc. Her babies are space vampires apparently. There is not much else to this picture. a little nudity confined to that dreamy insemination sequence (minimal to average turn on). A few amateurish shots of outer space, and lots of taking this shit way too seriously (which is something I usually appreciate).

Inseminoid has a plot, incredibly mundane as it may be, outside of the alien insemination and subsequent pregnancy. A group of astronauts land their ship on some planet. They discover an alien tomb. A small group goes out to investigate. One guy finds some strange space rocks which explode, injuring the John Hurt character. Later, he's brought back to the infirmary (I think there was an argument about quarantine procedures in here, but can't really be sure) and, even later, he goes insane. I can't remember how this ties into the alien that eventually inseminates poor Judy but I can tell you that there's between 30-40 minutes of this bullshit before we even get to what this piece of shit considers "the good shit".

There are two sets; alien tomb/caves and the ship/space lab. The picture does a lousy job of establishing location. I mean, we can tell when a certain character is in a cave or when they're on the ship. Unfortunately, we can't really make out distance or location in relation to other locations. A couple of scenes are shot through a red filter so I'm guessing those were meant to take place on the planet's surface.

I can't give you character name's because I don't remember them. Except for Judy, the inseminoid's victim. Several women factored in somehow (only one becomes an alien sperm container). A black guy. Couple white guys too. All British speaking and, therefore, humorless. There's a good scene involving a woman getting her foot stuck in a hole (while outside the ship and in a spacesuit) and having to saw it off before her oxygen runs out. I think that was the reason anyway. Minor spoiler: She sawed off her own foot and still asphyxiated. Good stuff.

Of course, this being an "impregnated by an alien" type picture (Alien, Breeders, perhaps Baby Blood, Starman, E.T., etc) there is sure to be a birthing scene. This one doesn't disappoint. Lots of spurting goo, some labor pains, etc. Unfortunately, the filmmaker's blew a golden opportunity to have the little son's of a bitch (accurate description of Judy) go It's Alive on everything in sight. I just sorta remember them being born and then there's a shot of another space craft descending towards the planet in response to their distress beacon. Who the fuck knows, I may have that completely wrong. Barely paid attention.

I would have enjoyed this more if Inseminoid was more prominently involved. Kinda surprising that he wasn't since the picture was named after him and shit. Maybe that's why they changed the name to Horror Planet. I didn't buy into this Judy character picking off the rest of her crew one by one and sometimes two at a time. Who gives a shit? Too easy, if you ask me. Where's the fucking suspense? I get that she was determined to protect her unborn deadly spawn and that pregnant women are bug nuts insane, but come on already. How did she get so strong? Why can't the gore effects be more convincing? What's with the implied telepathy? Could all this have something to do with the alien load she received, but didn't exactly sign for?

I liked the alien design (what little we saw of it anyway). Fucking show it more! Imagine if Jaws had been about a shark impregnating a woman and then having that woman kill everyone in Amity to protect their babies, while the shark remains off screen for the entire fucking movie. Well, that's not really close to the same thing. Still, Spielberg made the wise decision in having the shark be responsible for the actual killing. Also, he showed the thing at the end. Here's an idea for this picture. Why not have the alien impregnate Judy, take her back to it's lair, and spend the rest of the picture protecting her? It might even allow us sympathize a bit with the thing. What if it's the last of it's kind? Also, get off that fucking ship every now and then. For being a crew of scientists, these guys don't do much in the way of science type shit. They spend half their time sitting in the ship's cafe, drinking out of dixie cups and talking about shit they should be doing. Where's the fucking lab work, the analyzing of data, the extracting of face huggers, the fondling of breasts?

As much as I enjoyed Breeders I'll be the first to admit it's main weakness is the lack of a narrative flow. Usually, that's something I require. For some reason, Breeders worked ok without it (maybe it was the rampant nudity, or the lovable creature designs, or the pool of spunk). Well, Inseminoid has a story (sort of) but it still failed miserably. The acting was superior, across the board, to Breeders. Everything is taken seriously (again, this is a plus). Could it be possible that the only things I need to keep me satisfied are a solid creature design (shown often) and naked females? I don't believe that. I can't believe that. I just wonder why these guys would make a movie taking place millions of light years away and restrict the thing to two unimaginative sets, give us a solid alien-type being and never use the thing, not spend more time impressing us with creative bloodletting, etc? What we have in Inseminoid is basically a primitive, boring, slasher film that's set in space, only not really. True, the location spans space, yet is completely tied to an unconvincing sound stage in Britain. Fuck this movie for not having the balls to be about what it wanted to be about.

Breeders (1986)

If aliens ever do invade our world I'm sure they'd immediately get to some serious raping like this film hypothesizes. Breeders is that all too common type of film involving a pretty cool looking creature saddled with a putrid story involving constantly naked women, atrocious acting, pools of spunk, and some more naked women. In other words, a hearty recommendation.

I'm actually not sure where to begin with this one so I'll just start at the beginning. A young woman is driving around a bad part of Manhattan with her, much too forward, date. It's the middle of the night. She demands he stop so she can get out. She encounters an old German man out walking his dog. Old geezer says she should know better than to walk through this part of the city after dark, all alone. Old geezer doubles over in pain. Old geezer turns into an alien, tears off woman's dress, rapes her (off screen), etc. Rape alien spews black spunk.

That scene basically represents the beginning, the middle, and the end of this picture. Along the way, we encounter several characters; a lady doctor, a detective, a fashion photographer, several girls who have been "around the block" more times than they can count trying to pass themselves off as virgins. Seriously, who are these girls kidding? Basically, the moral of the story is, especially if you're a girl, sleep around. A lot. Don't take any unnecessary chances girls. Just give it up already before rape-alien comes to your town.

There's a story in here somewhere. We learn the alien traveled to earth on a space spore. Landed in Manhattan, made his home in the underground, mauls an elderly bag lady, and so on. The detective and the doctor try to solve the case while caring for the victims at Manhattan General Hospital. Several rape victims have been admitted with acid burns. Also, covered in alien DNA. The actors are unanimously awful. The script, the direction, etc all lousy. The female doctor looks at the victims and says it's things like this that make her want to kill every man on the planet.

What we got though are several completely naked women. We got a scene where a fashion model strips off all her clothes and, as soon as the photographer and her gay friend leave the room, begins writhing around on the floor. It's her Jennifer Beals moment. Then, the gay friend returns and morphs into rape-alien.

So, we got a movie inspired by Alien, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and possibly The Thing. Only with rape. The creature can apparently take many forms as long as that form is human. No rape-kitties or rape-plants or any shit like that. The alien looks sorta like Brundle fly only with a giant priapic penis (looking like a tentacle) spewing it's black stuff all over the fucking place.

This is not really a good one folks. The suspense is minimal. The only question is how long before she takes off that robe and is she trimmed? Whenever a new character is introduced we know exactly what's going to happen to them. There's one plot line, involving this movie's version of a virgin about to get naked and take a bath, that is completely dropped. We never see the broad again. I guess the two main characters, besides rape-alien, are the doctor (Teresa Farley) and the detective (Lance Lews man) who is apparently the only cop on the entire fucking island.

The end is incredibly bizarre. I'll give the film minor credit for at least being way out there, and borderline inspired, for one scene. It involves the rape victims waking from their slumbers and being psychically drawn down into the New York sewers. Once there, they gyrate, hug, and fondle each other, while quite naked, in a vat filled with alien spunk. I guess this is where the picture earns its name.

I'll just sum up by saying this was well worth the $3.99 I paid for it. I'm not being sarcastic with that statement. I mean, the movie is a piece of shit but at least it has the sense to treat this material like Shakespeare. Teresa Farley is probably the worst actress to star in a movie I've reviewed. Seriously, check out her emotions in this thing. She's a fucking cold fish so it's no wonder the alien stays away from her. The alien design is good; scale-y, squid-y, spew-y. This is more than I wanted to write about a plot-less movie with a raping alien.