Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

Since I reviewed that Terminator Salvation movie that nobody seemed to like, I decided to travel back in time and check out T3, one that nobody seemed to like at the time but, now, when compared to the new one it's, apparently, almost as good as Terminator 2 or some shit. Well, as it turns out I didn't need to go back in time to see this, it's on DVD so that will save me the embarrassment of having to walk around downtown Boston 2003 without my clothes on. Phew.

T3 is the movie I guess where the terminator series started heading towards parody. Like skynet it was becoming self-aware. Judgement day for the series was just over the horizon. The only way to salvage things would be to make a deadly-serious movie set in the future, cast Christian Bale, and not allow anyone to smile. Mission accomplished.

Anyway, back to T3. This one is actually better than I gave it credit for in my review of Salvation where I say Salvation is "better" (it is) and that "minus the terrific ending (T3) was pretty bad" (not exactly true). This is an enjoyable action movie with a few intentionally funny moments and several over the top in their cuteness moments. Once again we got a couple of time traveling robots. We got the old fashioned everyman model, the T-101 (Arnold Strong) re-programmed in the future by the resistance and sent back in time to protect John Connor (Nick Stahl) again. And, in this other corner, we got the T-X model (Kristianna Loken) sent back in time by the evil robots to blow shit up pretty good. Actually, her mission is to kill Connor's lieutenants before they can join the resistance in the future, which includes a McDonald's drive-thru employee and a bunch of other helpless kids. And Claire Danes who plays Kate Brewster who would later become Bryce Dallas Howard and finally Kate Connor. The T-X isn't even assigned to kill John Connor this time. Connor's been living "off the grid". Taking odd construction jobs, riding his motorbike real fast, and dropping beer bottles off of bridges. Thankfully, and coincidentally, he swings by Kate's veterinarian clinic to steal some meds just as Kate swings by for a late night appointment, just as the T-X arrives to finish her assignment...and then we also got the T-101 factoring in here somewhere. This is the kind of fate shit this whole series has been about.

Like I mentioned earlier in this review, the whole thing is getting just a little too self aware at this point. A little too jokey I guess. Some of the best scenes in these killer robots from the future movies have always been their arrival scenes. You know, an electro-magnetic ball appears out of nowhere, attracting lightning, causing wind and other weather anomolies. Then a naked Terminator appears with his first order of business being to acquire some sort of clothing or what have you. Well, in this one, The T-X appears in a store front window next to an attractive mannequin. I don't know what the likelihood of this is but I guess I won't really argue. We later learn that the T-X can take the form of whatever she comes into contact with, so I guess that makes a little more sense now. She's just like the T-1000 in that regards. We can only assume, at this point, that the mannequin is probably dead.

The T-101's appearence is even more ridiculous. He stumbles into a bar out in the middle of the desert. I think something else we can infer is that the robots are pretty damned proficient in operating these time traveling machines, always placing their subjects close to their objective. The human operators aren't quite as good. Anyway, the T-101 walks into a bar, on ladies night. His targeting system clicks on and searches for a clothing match. He looks at one overweight scantily clad woman and the words "inappropriate" flash on his screen. Turns out, the only man in the place is the erotic dancer - in full "macho macho man" get-up - who tells Arnold to "talk to the hand" when he asks nicely for his clothes. Arnold does. Maybe this isn't as funny as I think it's supposed to be. I guess the point is that T-101s take everything literally. Sarcasm has no meaning to them. It totally makes sense now and, later, when he tells a store clerk he's robbing to "talk to the hand" I read that as more than just a lame attempt at humor. Shit, I feel better.

This picture is just one damned action scene after another intermingled with scenes or the T-101 explaining some things. After the first encounter with the T-X, the T-101 loads John and Kate into a truck and then begins explaining everything to them. Things like judgement day wasn't stopped (the supposed end result of T2) it was just postponed. His mission is to ensure that they survive it. In the future, John and Kate are married, etc. I don't know, what would I do if a robot from the future shoved me in a truck with Claire Danes and told me she was my future wife? Would I try to force things with her? Would I make awkward attempts at humor like "yeah, well you're not exactly my type either". Ok, what if it wasn't Claire Danes in that truck but, someone like, say, Roseanne Barr? I don't know about you, but this judgement day thing I keep hearing about doesn't sound so bad. Might even try to get a closer view, maybe swing the doors to our fallout shelter open for a moment or two.

We also learned, via John Connor, that his mother, Sarah Connor, died of leukimia a few years earlier. That explains her absence I guess. Apparently, Linda Hamilton was asked to reprise her role but she refused since she was supposed to unceremoniously die about halfway through. So, leukimia seems like a good alternative.

So, yeah, we have a chase movie with the T-X in constant pursuit. It's a superior model to the T-1000. She can do the voices, appear as anyone she touches and shit like that. She can also wire herself into networks, control cop cars, ambulances, even those giant crane trucks. This is like some serious Lawnmower Man or Ghost in the Machine type shit. Her fights with the T-101 sorta give you the feeling that she's just toying with him. She can usually end the fight whenever she wants, and, in fact, she does. This broad can take a urinal upside the fucking head and it barely even phases her.

Thankfully, amidst some of the silliness, there are several standout action scenes. The best one is probably the first one where John and Kate flee from the T-X in a little pickup truck while the T-X controls several cop cars, ambulances, etc and sends them in pursuit. She follows along in the crane truck. The T-101 follows in a motorcycle and eventually latches onto the crane. Several buildings are leveled, innocents are killed, the T-X is made angry, etc. The CGI in the scene isn't too awful.

I don't know, it's better than I remembered it being. Still, the ending is by far the best thing about this picture. Spoilers will commense now. So, that whole judgement day thing? Turns out it couldn't be avoided. The whole point of the second movie was to stop it. Turns out they just postponed it. Something about Kate's father, an air force big wig, being the key. Apologies to Joe Morton is the point of the story I suppose. He died in the last picture but none of that really mattered. Humanity was always fucked regardless. I won't go into too many details since I suppose it's possible you still haven't seen it.

Anyway, 9 out of 10 reviews of Salvation pointed out how retarded it was that the machines didn't just kill Kyle Reese (Connor's father for all you newbies) when they had him. Well, if we learned anything about fate from T3, we learned that it doesn't fucking matter. Also, we're not talking about Back to the Future rules of time travel here. What the fuck did they expect? For Connor to just disappear if they killed Reese? That's ridiculous. No, the only sure way to get rid of Connor is to kill him themselves. So, I hope I've convinced you that the gaping plot hole from Salvation isn't really a plot hole at all.

I enjoyed this one more now than I did the first time. There's still a ridiculously funny scene where the T-101, Kate, and John show up at Sarah Connor's grave and take a bunch of weapons out of her coffin. Then, the T-101 starts blowing away a bunch of cops and shit while holding the coffin on his shoulder (I don't think he actually killed any, killing cops is solely the province of the T-X). One of the cops yells on a blowhorn for Arnold to "put down your gun....and the coffin!" I'm pretty sure that's the first time that line's been said in a motion picture. The ending is perfectly apocalyptic but it doesn't really fit in with the comedy of what we've seen before. Oh well, Jonathan Mostow (the director of this and U-571) did a solid job. The action scenes, for the most part are terrific. Unfortunately, overall, it just seemed like too much of a spoof. It was time for a reboot. McG did his best, but I guess his best wasn't good enough. Should have set his picture in 2030 right before the death of John Connor. Maybe then we'd actually act surprised when Connor survived, had a heart transplant, and still had another 14 fucking years to live. Oh well. T3 is no masterpiece, but it's no piece of shit either.

Star Trek (2009)

I had no intention of writing up this picture called Star Trek that came out last week. I mean, this write up is obsolete before I've even finished it. Almost as obsolete as the original series (or TOS as I guess most Trekkers or Trekkies or whatever they go by these days refer to it). I'm a fan of the original movies (TOM) and actually don't buy into the whole "the even movies are good and the odd ones are bad" philosophy. Well, to be honest, I remember almost nothing from Star Trek the motion picture (STMP). Most consider it pretty boring. I'll revisit it one of these days. I think Star Trek Wrath of Kahn (STWOK) is damned fine, likely the best of TOM. Star Trek The Search for Spock (STSFS) is underrated and includes a heart breaking scene where the crew stands on a precipice on a dying planet and watches the Enterprise disintegrate in the atmosphere. I may be in the minority here, but Star Trek the Voyage Home....(STVH) is not a great movie, in my opinion. The majority of that picture takes place in 1980s San Francisco. There are characters with mohawks and piercings. Spock learns some slang. Chekov gets subjected to primitive medicine. There are lots of jokes in that one. It felt like a rehash of Nicholas Meyer's Time after Time where H.G. Wells follows Jack the ripper into late 70s San Francisco to me, which is funny because Nicholas Meyer helped write the script for STVH but was overruled when he tried to change the location. Oh well, could have been good I guess. Then there's the fifth Star Trek called Star Trek and The Search for God which adheres to the even/odd rule for the most part by actually stinking. Except for the part where Bones/Spock/Kirk sing "row row row your boat", that part was good. Almost finally, is Star Trek and the Undiscovered Country which was pretty Hitchcockian with it's wrongfully accused scenario...and also like The Fugitive. Finally, there was Generations where Kirk gets sucked into an alternate universe via some sort of nebula thingamajig and then fights Malcolm McDowell with that bald captain guy and dies under a collapsed bridge. Anyway, as you can see I'm a fan of the Trek. Haven't seen the original series since I was a kid though. Used to watch the cartoon on Nickelodean, does that count? I guess not. Thanks anyway Trekkers, but I guess I will have to find another club.

The point I'm trying to make I guess is that this new picture is probably tailor made for me. I enjoyed the movies but don't look at the original series in biblical terms. Well, you know what? I think this movie is for Trekkers too, they just might not realize it yet. The story in this new Trek may not be as crisp as the story in Search for God, but it's pretty good. The screenplay has some rotten moments, but let's chalk that one up to the writer's strike. Also, chalk it up to the guys that wrote this also having wrote Transformers.

The gist of this picture is as follows. The U.S.S. Kelvin is somewhere in deep space when they encounter one of those strange type of electric anomaly type things, and also a cloud of sorts. Out of that anomaly comes a lovecraftian type ship, revealed a little later to be a Romulan mining ship from the future. The Kelvin is no match, the captain shuttles over and is killed by the Romulan commander Nero after making his first officer Captain. That first officer is none other than Kirk! Kirk issues the abandon ship order to the crew (and his in labor wife) while he mans the bridge solo. As soon as his wife is safely away, and gives birth to their son, he kamikazes into the Romulan ship. Wait, Kirk is dead? Nah, just kidding...that was Kirk's father, George or Joe or something. Kirk is the guy born on the fleeing shuttle. That would have been a ballsy opening to kill James Kirk in the opening scene. Anway, Kirk grows up in Iowa, is a rebellious kid, a rebellious teen, and then, a rebellious starfleet academian (where he is played by Chris Pine)...banging green chicks, cheating on tests, etc. At the academy, he meets best buddy Bones (Karl Urban) and, the beautitfully seductive Uhura (Zoe Saldana). Also, supreme goody-goody douchebag Spock (Zachary Quinto).

Here's the brilliant thing about this film. It's not a prequel despite what several reviews are implying. Prequels are the worst. I mean, they're a lose-lose proposition and this Kirk fellow doesn't believe in a no-win scenario so why the hell should we? With a prequel, you force yourself into a corner. Things can only end one way. That is fucking bullshit and cuts down on the suspense. In this film, things are set on a different course. This is an alternate history, like if the Germans had won WWII or if Joanie didn't marry Chachie or whatever. Time travel will do that I suppose. In the future (Old Star Trek timeline), the Romulan homeworld is threatened by a supernova. So, future Spock (Leonard Nimoy) brings along some good ol' Vulcan Red Matter to the rescue (like dark matter only red and less dark). His plan, to create a black hole which will eat the supernova and save the planet. Unfortunately, he made a wrong turn at the regis Nebula and Romulus was destroyed. A Romulan mining ship, watched helplessly as Spock unleashed the matter, too late...the black hole opened, Spock went in, the Romulans followed....and entered the past. Coincidentally (and there are a lot of these I guess) the Romulans arrive first just as the Kelvin is entering the vicinity. Spock comes 25 years later (good for him or else he'd be really really old, possibly senile during the events of this film)...black holes are weird like that. So, yeah, in this history, James Kirk never knows his father, his training is hastened due to the Romulan threat, and...oh...Spock (spoiler that might upset you) is banging Uhura (which according to one of my Trekker friends, doesn't really jive with Vulcan mating practices, so there you go).

All I'm saying is you Trekkers need to try watching this thing with a different pair of nerd glasses and you might actually enjoy it. Here's why. The characters. They're all spot on. Pine, Urban, Saldana, Quinto all inhabit the characters without actually mimic-ing the actors who originally played them. Urban as Bones, in particular, is great. I mean, he's the same Bones...only much younger. A hypochondriac who happens to be a brilliant doctor. Naturally funny. I've liked Urban for a long time but never imagined he could pull this off. Pine is great as Kirk. I stopped thinking of Shatner immediately, except for a little bit during his last scene on the bridge. He's cocky, brash, at times a drunken baffoon, charismatic, funny. It's pretty much a star making performance is what I'm saying...of course, he'll probably be stuck playing this role for the next 10-15 years which I'm fine with. Why branch out? Other characters show up, some more than others; Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, Captain Pike, and I guess lots of people were complaining about Tyler Perry but I wasn't even sure who the fuck he was, so no big deal I think. The least successful characters were Chekov and Scotty in my opinion. Not real characters, just comic relief. I love Simon Pegg but give him more to do than be flushed through the ship's sewage system is my beef with his character. I'm cool with the side kick though, can always use more loveable star wars-type aliens in our Star Trek pictures.

So, I'm hoping you can tell I enjoyed the hell out of this thing, but I had a couple issues I have to deal with. Bruce Greenwood was terrific as Captain Pike (the guy is always terrific) but what the hell happened to him after he was captured by Nero and force fed that brain slug? Did he give up the planet defense codes? What about an interrogation scene, I mean really. He's force fed the slug and then is forgot about for an hour until Kirk (spoiler) rescues him. Apparently, the brain slug ate the part of his brain that controls his walking? Also, an interrogation scene would have been a great opportunity to beef up the parts of Pike and Nero. Nero is a pretty mis guided villain. He's not entirely evil. Just stupid and blinded by vengeance. Clearly Spock didn't destroy his homeworld...so what's with the revenge, guy? I like Eric Bana a ton (still think he made a great character out of a nothing part in Black Hawk Down and I will go to the grave as an Ang Lee Hulk fan) but this was a sorely underwritten role. His motivation is weak. All he does is sit on his ship and look angry and sometimes yell stuff or stab starfleet captains and other shit. He's not interesting like the villain in Kahn or even Spock's brother in Search for God.

Also, I was a little annoyed by the whole marooning Kirk (by Spock for insubordination) on that ice world where he meets up with future Spock (also marooned on ice planet, by Romulans, who stole his red matter and plan to use it as a WMD on federation planets). Spock exposits a bunch of bullshit to fill in the gaps left by the, let's face it...bare bones, script. I think it would have been an interesting decision to leave Kirk on that world for years, plotting revenge against that bastard Spock, maybe team up with Future Spock or something. Bring him back in the next picture as a villain. That would have been interesting. Interesting, but maybe too weird. Anyway, They meet up with Scotty on Hoth at an isolated outpost after fleeing from a ridiculous creature that gets eaten by an even more ridiculous creature (nod to Jurassic Park?). So, a couple of coincidences on this planet. One or two in a picture is doable, but this thing has a few more...and the magic of the filmmaking is I could care less. Later, Spock decides to take things into his own hands and gives Scotty the calculations for beaming oneself (or three selfs) onto a starship traveling at warp speed, probably light years away. Calculations, that Scotty, himself, would come up with years later. I think another way that history maybe changed is that Scotty becomes lazy and just waits for Spock to do everything for him.

Fuck man, a few minor quibbles does not make a bad picture. We're seeing the birth of a, potentially great, new series. They don't have to boldly go where the old crew has already gone before. No need to encounter tribbles in this universe, or Kahn, or that conscious energy cloud, etc. They can do what they want, when they want...as long as they follow federation protocol of course. J.J. Abrams is the guy that directed this and he did a pretty good job. Lot of internet bloggers complaining about camera flares (don't care), continuity (what continuity??), shaky cam fights, E.T. like creatures, and so on. None of that shit bothered me. The space battles were pretty good. The music was great (and new until the end), but what makes this a Star Trek movie, for me anyway, is the dynamic between the characters, especially Spock, Kirk, and Bones. Here's where it all begins. Again. Only different. Who cares if Spock spends 90% of the movie as a complete douchebag. Eventually, he comes around. The stage is set Abrams. Don't fuck it up. Also, tighten up that script a little next time. Thanks for reading.

***
Here's a brief followup: Just re-read my write up and realized I barely talked about the Enterprise, you know, the ship they fly around in. Hmmm...is this a criticism of me or the movie? The Enterprise was there alright and it looked pretty good. I mean, they flew it around space at all sorts of warp speeds and shit, but I guess it wasn't as prominent as it was in TOM or TOS. I mean, Kirk isn't even (spoiler) made captain until near the end. Hell, Spock gets to play captain before he does. Hopefully, next time around it will be more in the forefront, more of a character. If they self destructed this one with a few Klingons onboard I'm not sure I'd feel as sad as I did in STSFS. Maybe next time. Thanks again for reading.

Timecrimes (2007)

Imagine arriving home on a beautiful afternoon from the grocery store. You arrive at your, recently purchased, home only to realize the trunk of your car opened up at the start of your driveway, spilling your groceries. It's going to be a long day, so already it's time for a nap. You take one. Soon after, you're interrupted by the phone. Your wife is outside, doesn't hear it, so you, begrudingly, pick it up. No one answers. Star 69 reveals it's a restricted number. You can't sleep, grab your binoculars and head out back to relax in a lawn chair. Your wife heads out to replace the ruined groceries. You doze. You notice something off in the distance, in the woods. You look through the binoculars and see a woman, stripping nude. You blink, you put the binoculars down, raise them up again, she's gone. You see a piece of clothing. You head off to investigate. You wander down a path, eventually coming across a woman, naked, propped up against a large stone. Is she dead? You move in slowly, throwing sticks towards her to see if she stirs. You bend down for a closer look when suddenly a man, face completely obscured by bloodstained bandages, stabs you in the arm with a pair of scissors. You flee, eventually coming across a gated home. You break in, looking for help. Night has fallen. A phone rings, a voice on the other end tells you the bandaged man has followed you to the home. You must go out the back door and follow the lit path up the hill. The man on the phone awaits you in a silo at the top. You make your way up the hill, reach the silo, and the man lets you in. It looks like a laboratory of some sort. In the middle there is a hatch. The man tells you to get in the hatch and hide. You do. The hatch lowers, you are momentarily trapped, immersed in some sort of liquid. There is a blinding flash. The hatch raises and you emerge, vomiting. It's a few hours earlier.

So begins Timecrimes, one of the more intriguing time travel pictures I've seen in a while. To give away any more of the plot would be to completely spoil the movie. Hector (the time traveler) is the typical ordinary man thrust into an extraordinary situation. His life seems fairly mundane; grocery shopping, afternoon naps, a loving wife, a new home, a little voyeurism, etc. As soon as he tries to throw a little adventure into the mix (investigating the naked woman) things immediately go haywire. He gets trapped within a vicious cycle of fixing the past so he doesn't have to relive it, over and over again. He goes back in time and suddenly there are two Hectors. I guess this is the zig zag theory of time. Hector 1 must make sure that Hector 2 follows procedure exactly; searching for the naked girl, ending up in the silo at the exact same time, and everything else that happened in between. If he doesn't, things will never go back to the way they were. I've always wondered what happens to the people in the present when someone goes back in time? Is Hector 1 really Hector 1? How many times has this already happened? Why did any of this happen in the first place? Who is the man with the fucking bandages on his face? (well, that one was actually sorta easy to figure out).

I really enjoyed this one. Questions led to more questions...and we even got a couple answers. Karra Elejalde is terrific as Hector. A quiet, nebbish man whose increasing desperation leads him to commit acts that would, ordinarily, be completely out of character. Sometimes, the best time travel yarns are the smaller ones (Primer, for example). There are no hokey explanations of the science behind the machine. There are no grand machinations, no traveling to the distant future or the distant past. I guess the idea of trying to fix the future by fixing the past was previously used in Sound of Thunder, but here it doesn't ring quite so hollow. Also, there were no flying apes or pterodactyls or whatever the fuck those things were. I don't know man, this is one I can't really write too much about. The story keeps wrapping around itself and revealing a little more each time. Sometimes, I guess it would be better off to leave things alone but I don't know about you, if I see a naked woman in the woods I am probably going off to investigate as well.

One thing I found interesting was the look of the guy wearing the bloodied bandages on his face. He reminded me of the David Cronenberg character in Clive Barker's Nightbreed. Anyone else notice this? There's a scene when Hector is hiding from him. He sees the bandaged man with his back to him. Hector looks through the binoculars and suddenly, the bandaged man turns around with his hands cupped around his eyes, as if he's got a pair of binoculars as well, as if to say "I see you seeing me". I don't know, probably just a coincidence, but I think that Cronenberg (with a sack on his head instead of bandages) did the same thing in Nightbreed. No time travel in that one though so maybe I'm mistaken.

I appreciated everything about the picture. The score seemed inspired by the music from "Lost" (with lots of low hums and then sharp strings or whatever they do when something serious happens). The looks of the picture is simple and there were no time ripples or anything like that. Minimal "look at me" type of effects in this thing. I don't really have any complaints here. I've only seen it once, so maybe it's possible to poke some holes in this thing on subsequent viewings. The story was simple enough, I followed along. I kept wondering how any of this could possibly have happened the first time. I'm glad I didn't find out. This is, unquestionably, the best time travel movie of 2007.

Sound of Thunder (2004)

2055 – New technology was invented that could change the world…
or destroy it.

A man named Charles Hatton used it to make money (i.e. destroy it ).

I take back all the nice things I’ve ever said about Ben Kingsley (notice I’ve demoted him from Knighthood). Look, Kingsley was legitimately great in Gandhi. He was pretty fun in Sexy Beast. I remember he was in Bugsy and that movie won over some critics, so maybe he was pretty decent in that one too. Seriously though, what else? Certainly not this piece of crap. He's lucky to have Uwe Boll.

Sound of Thunder takes place in the somewhat near future. It’s sad to learn that in such a short time, no real animals will be left in the wild, having been killed off by a virus and/or poachers. Charles Hatton played hilariously badly by Ben Kingsley (BloodRayne) is upset that there are no more animals left to kill. So, he contracts himself some genius scientists, including Travis Ryer played by Ed Burns, to lead some tourists back in time for top dollar. What if, he thinks, we can go back in time and kill the same animal over and over again? And, since we’re already going back in time, why not just go all the way back to the Jurassic period so we can kill us some dinosaurs! Them’s good eats. Actually, they’re not allowed to eat the dinosaurs since there are 3 rules of “time jumping”:

1. Don’t change anything
2. Don’t leave anything behind
3. Don’t bring anything back

So, I guess if you were to eat the dinosaur you would technically be bringing something back. It probably wouldn’t be too easy to get it back through the time portal anyway, the set up of which looks about as scientific as a loop less rollercoaster, one you’d find at a county fair. Anywhoo, the rules sound simple enough, but would you really trust the fate of the world, as we know it, to a couple of mother fucking asshole tourists? You can talk all you want about precautions, but when it really comes down to it, plenty of tourists out there are nothing but dumbfucks (not you!) that don’t really know that much about the laws of the universe. So, what did they really expect when two dipshits, Mr. Echols and Mr. Middleton (two clowns that make the American clients in Hostel 2 look like geniuses), happened to fuck up the space time continuum? Should they really be that surprised?

I suppose it’s not easy to get a time travel movie right. Whenever a time travel picture is released, there’s an army of nerds waiting around the corner to point out inaccuracies and ignored paradoxes. In the case of Star Trek IV, you’ve got to contend with twice the nerds. The best time travel pictures sometimes forgo logic and instead concentrate on action and special effects (Terminator 1-3), story and characters (12 Monkeys), or comedy (Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure)…or all of the above (Star Trek IV and Time After Time). Sound of Thunder does none of these things. At least, none of them well.

This picture contains some of the lousiest special effects I have ever seen in a theatrical release. The shots of Chicago go for a retro-futuristic look, not one that looks lived in (such as Blade Runner), but one that someone designed on their MAC in about five minutes. I swear if they held a shot of a city street long enough (say ten seconds) we would see the same car repeat itself as if on a continual loop. If you’re a fan of Sci-fi originals you’ll love the beautifully realized, amazingly life like Tyrannosaurus Rex (The unfortunate bastard that gets shot everyday by aforementioned tourists. Oh, it’s ok because he was about to get stuck in tar and then covered in lava or something. Well, who knows, maybe this time he’ll be able to latch onto the man made time bridge and bring himself into the future where he’ll wreak havoc on Tokyo. Assholes.). I’m just kidding. This is actually the worst looking T-rex I’ve ever seen. Ok, it looks more like a T-rex than the T-rex in King Kong (1933), but at least that T-rex had the distinction of being in a classic picture. The only thing classic about Sound of Thunder is the short story from which it’s taken. Also, The Simpson’s Tree House of Horror episode featuring the time traveling toaster.

This movie is probably currently resting in a dollar bin at Blockbuster, which is a shame because I have a lot of respect for Peter Hyams. He’s the director behind the criminally underrated 2010 as well as the enjoyable The Relic. I really hope he gets it right next time. The Sound of Thunder reeks of studio interference, so I’ll just give him the benefit of the doubt. Better luck next time.

Of the performances, I can say the best was given by Ben Kingsley’s platinum hair. Kingsley, himself, was pretty awful. He was basically a one dimensional money hound. Kingsley took the part, I suspect, because like Michael Caine, he simply cannot turn down a paycheck (Jaws the Revenge, anyone?). He does get to repeat a line after each successful time jump that I liked; "Today you stood shoulder to shoulder with Columbus discovering America. Armstrong stepping on the moon, Brubaker landing on Mars. You are true pioneers on the very last frontier: Time." After that, I guess Edward Burns (Saving Private Ryan) was somewhat adequate as the genius scientist Ryer. I have to confess something. I’ve seen this movie twice now. I saw it back in 2004 and again recently on DVD. The best thing I can say about Burns’ performance is that when I reflected on his character (before watching it again) I thought he was played by Aaron Eckhert (a much better actor). So, for a minute, I thought Burns gave an Eckhert-like performance, until I realized I wasn’t thinking of this movie at all. I was thinking about The Core. So, yeah, via my fading memory, I thought Burns was decent for a moment. Catherine McCormack (28 Weeks Later), as Sonia Rand, wasn’t too dreadful playing an ex-scientist turned P.E.T.A. member , or should it be P.E.T.T. (People for the Ethical Treatment of Time)? After one successful Time Jump, she crashes the after party by spraying everyone with a champagne bottle filled with blood. Whose blood it was, I am not sure. McCormack’s character is also the inventor of TAMMY, the supercomputer that helps to administer the Time Jumps.

Of course, we wouldn’t have a picture if something didn’t go wrong. One of the asshole tourists brings something back. Ok minor spoiler. It’s a bug. A butterfly actually, that flew too close to the bridge and then apparently landed on the underside of a boot in a flattened state. End minor spoiler. This is only possible because Hatton, to cut costs, disabled the bio-filter. So, we’re now left with a race against time, literally, to figure out what was brought back, so they can go back and fix it because every couple of hours brings a new time wave. Each time wave results in a major evolutionary change and it’s only a matter of time before humankind is turned into ape-like lizards, or worse. These are some major changes we’re talking about. Fish are committing suicide and giant ants are attacking people in apartment buildings. In one amazing scene, Ryer and Rand, to escape death by killer ants, jump out of a window a few stories up. Lucky for them, the last time wave saw fit to install a bushy tree there or they would have splattered on the pavement. After jumping, they actually comment about how that tree wasn’t there before. Seriously, they do. I’m not making it up.

In another hilarious scene, Ryer sends himself back in time to try to fix the damage. Unfortunately, he’s accidentally sent back to a movie set in 1940s Hollywood where they are in the middle of filming a Cowboys and Indians picture. Anyway, with each time wave the situation gets more and more fucked. Chicago is covered in vegetation and it’s more difficult to go back in time to just before the disastrous Time Jump. Apparently, they can’t penetrate the time waves, so they have to go over them….wormhole…..something something…blah blah. Don’t worry, they also made it up as they went along, I’m sure.

Ok, there were a couple of things I enjoyed. I liked the nearly indestructible primate-lizards. They were kinda fun. I liked how they hunted in packs and could only be killed with a shot in the throat. At the same time, they weren’t very intelligent either because they kept exposing their throats and puffing out their chests as if to say “I dare you to kill me”. I liked the nitro guns the humans used. They seemed like they’d also be good for the environment. I also kind of liked the vampire bats. Where did they evolve from? I liked how when we finally found out the cause for this nightmare, we got to hear the line minor spoil…ahhh fuck it, “It wasn’t a bug that he stepped on, it was evolution”. Another thing I liked was that Ryer (a scientist!) ACTUALLY asked, “What’s that smell? Rotten eggs?” And he was serious.

The movie had ONE taut scene in an underwater subway car, involving a giant eel-type thing. Unfortunately, the picture’s basic premise never really allows us to grow too concerned for any of the characters. We know, that if everything is put back the way it originally was, anyone who dies will be fine. It’s an inherent problem in this type of movie and basically kills the suspense. Hyams should have said "fuck the studio" and inserted a different ending where Ryer goes back in time, prevents Middleton from stepping on that bug while accidentally killing an ant (unbeknownst to him) or something. Then when he comes back and everything seems normal, except for the antennae sticking out of Rand’s head or the tail coming out of Hatton’s ass, he could shrug and say “eh…..close enough”.*

* Yes, It’s a Simpson’s reference. I’m not ripping them off, nor am I smart enough to think that one up myself.