The Killer Snakes (1975)

The warning label for The Killer Snakes states that it "contains extremely sick and disturbing scenes" and also that this is "not meant for most people". Boy, they weren't kidding. The Killer Snakes is one of the most exploitative pictures I've ever seen this side of XXX - the rating, not the picture (or The Sinful Dwarf). The picture opens with an abrupt black and white scene involving a young boy playing with snakes as his mother is smacked around for sexual gratification in the next room. Yet another boy with mother issues growing up to be weirdly perverted. It's that kind of picture. And more!

Shaw Brothers was like the Warner Brothers of China. They've got that classy logo (located on the window on the door of Shaw Studio offices). So, it's weird to see a picture of this ilk coming from them. We know about their kung fu stuff (Five Deadly Venoms, The One Armed Swordsman, etc). They also delved into dramas and comedies. Not many people are aware of their horror output and that includes me. I watched this thing with my jaw on the floor.

I don't know though. I liked it. We've got a lead character named Zihong who can't keep a job, can't get a girl, and is being constantly bullied. He lives in a basement apartment with holes in the walls and crumbling bricks. He's got his eyes on a pretty girl (Xiujung) who feels sympathy for him, but that's about it. Strangely enough, we actually feel sympathy for the guy even after he does some of the things he later does. This guy basically needs some friends. Well, all it takes is one injured snake slithering through a hole in his wall. The thing had its gall bladder removed (which have "overrated" healing powers, according to Zihong) so he takes it in, sews it up, and gives it love. The snake then tells it's friends and suddenly hundreds of snakes are living in his shit hole of an apartment, having a great time, doing his bidding, etc. "I've got so many friends", Zihong now exclaims.

This picture is like China's answer to Taxi Driver only instead of driving around in a cab this guy bosses around some snakes. Also, it was made two years earlier so I guess that makes Taxi Driver our answer to The Killer Snakes. At first, Zihong just uses the snakes for innocent stuff. You know, pranks and shit...like, when he puts a cobra in his pants and visits the prostitute that helped get him fired from his last job as a delivery boy. First he fucks her, then he has the snake kill her friends. Then he brings her back to his dungeon where he ties her up, strips off her clothes, and has his little scaly friend violate her to death. Yup, that's pretty much as innocent as it gets. You can imagine some of the other shit without me having to describe it, I hope.

The Killer Snakes is a sleazy journey into the underbelly of deviant human behavior. It left me feeling a little filthy to be honest. Especially the part with the gilla monsters. I signed on for killer snakes, but not that shit. This probably isn't movie night appropriate unless your guests are as fucked up as you are. The lead (some Chinese guy) is exceptional as Zihong. His love interest (Chinese gal) is adorable. Eventually, she falls into some danger and has to be saved...or, maybe avenged. Basically, the end is just a tragic free for all of snakes; we got cobras, pythons, bulls, boas. And, I'm sure there were some milk snakes thrown in there. Maybe an anaconda or two. Vipers maybe. I'm making this shit up as I go along. I know shit about snakes. I did find it interesting how they seemed to communicate with Zihong through a low hiss. These snakes are good actors.

Oh, and did I mention the nudity? We got tons of nudity. None of it very titilating. Mostly it's just the tied up and gagged while snakes bite their breasts and faces type of nudity. I didn't notice if there was a line at the end of the credits claiming that "no snakes were harmed during the making of this movie". I don't think there was which makes me wonder about the scene where the guy with the sword was chopping up snakes as they jumped at him. Oh yeah, these snakes jump. Well, I can't think of anything else to add for this one. I'm gonna go take a shower.

15 Days: The Long Weekend (1978)

This is why I do it. This is why I wade through all the shit (see The Suckling). Every now and then a movie comes along and just hits you right where it counts. I'll try not to over sell this one too much (although, I think it's pretty brilliant). This is exactly the kind of picture I like. Long Weekend is a 1978 eco-horror picture from Australia. We're introduced to a bickering couple too hung up on their own lives to give a shit about their surroundings (in this case, a secluded campsite on the ocean). I kept thinking of Straw Dogs while watching this thing. Same kind of husband-wife dynamic. Instead of assault by crazy townsfolk, we got crazy wildlife (and maybe even some evil vegetation. Who can tell since the whole thing's pretty ambiguous.). Though, the wife isn't raped by a gator and his buddy or anything like that.

Anyway, Peter (John Hargreaves) and Marcia (Briony Behets) are a married couple who've had just about enough of each other. Hints of infidelity are thrown about, maybe an abortion, Marcia is jealous of Peter's dog, etc. "I know", Peter says, "let's go camping! Just the two of us, with no one else around. Just me, you, some trees, the ocean, lots of sand, etc. It'll do us some good" (I'm paraphrasing). Marcia would rather stay in a hotel but she eventually relents. They pack up the jeep, Peter sneaks the dog in the back and off they go....joyous hours spent together in the car, snapping at each other, smoking cigarettes. It gets dark. Peter stops for some beer while Marcia sleeps. They continue their journey. Peter nearly dozes, then strikes and kills a kangaroo. Fuck it, what's the big deal? Just one harmless, now dead, kangaroo. They turn off the highway, Peter starts to smell the ocean, they seemingly drive in circles through a forested road which suddenly doesn't look much like a road. Perfect place to set up camp.

Well, turns out that kangaroo maybe had some friends. Perhaps that eagle flying over head, the growling possum maybe, shit, the encroaching forest too? This one's a slow burn. Lots of development. Peter and Marcia fight. A lot. Still, there are moments when their relationship approaches something resembling sweetness. A little peck here. Some sweet nuthins, some cuddling. Unfortunately, Peter is one of those guys that considers himself an outdoorsman but really belongs nowhere near it. His lack of respect for his surrounding environment is evident from the start; littering, firing his rifle wildly into the ocean, the woods, not burying his shit (I made that one up, but kinda assumed that's what he would do). It's inexcusable on his part. Marcia just wants to lie down and read her romance novels. She's easily forgiveable, also slightly adoreable. Also, she bares her breasts.

This one's actually pretty terrifying at times. If you've ever been lost or had a nightmare of being lost or hate the fucking woods this one's not for you. Nature strikes back. The camera work is exquisite. We can never be sure where the danger is coming from. Up above (the eagle), the ocean (shark maybe?), the trees (possums or...the trees themselves?). I can't think of a more claustrophobic picture that's set in the great outdoors....not to mention on the shores of the largest body of water in the fucking world. Once the sun goes down in this world, the fear of the unknown becomes almost unbearable.

And then there's that god damned manatee. Yeah, a manatee washes up on shore. Peter and Marcia investigate. As time goes by, the (dead?) thing moves closer and closer to their campsite. Peter shoots it with his rifle. The thing keeps getting closer. I had a theory here (thankfully, not supported by the film). Animals from the forest would come out and drag the thing up the beach just to fuck with Peter and Marcia. Seriously, what else could it be? A fucking zombie manatee? Don't make me laugh. Seriously, that's what you think? Moron.

Tensions escalate. A spear gun goes off on it's own (yeah right, I'm looking at you Possum), footwear is dropped from the sky, a poor dog gets left behind in a mad dash. The score is great, the sound effects eerie, the performances by our two actors and the animals are believable. This is as good a horror movie in the "nature strikes back" category that's you're likely to ever find. On a side note, has there ever been an ugly picture made in Australia? Even if you half ass the shots, everything comes out looking so god damned amazing. I can't think of one. Mad Max, Rogue, Wolf Creek, Thunderdome? In the case of The Long Weekend, that natural beauty only adds to the horror. Could have used a killer kangaroo though. I think the lack of vengeance on behalf of their fallen brethren is an almost gaping plot hole.

Squirm (1976)

Well, I'm back (again!). My computer's not perfect but it'll have to do since I don't have the money to get a new one. Since I've been, for the most part, MIA for 2009 I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Yep, a new leaf of reviewing quality pictures, pictures that might actually win an award or two. What the fuck am I doing wasting my time writing about garbage anyway? Fuck that bullshit. Unfortunately, I turned over that leaf and all I could find was bloodsucking sandworms. Those "quality" pictures will have to wait I guess.

Whatever man, I'll watch Squirm a thousand times before I sit through "quality" entertainment like Crash or American Beauty again. This picture, Squirm, is a perfect model by which all creature features should be judged. Made in 1976, directed by Jeff Lieberman and featuring some early terrific work by Rick Baker, Squirm is the story of a small Georgian town (Fly Creek) assaulted by an unstoppable army of sandworms. Some fantastic camera work allows us to see these horrific bloodsuckers, and their dirty little maws, up close and personal. A truly frightening experience. Lieberman is one of those directors that helmed a couple masterpieces (this and Just Before Dawn) before vanishing for good. Just Before Dawn is the finest fat guy(s?) with a machete movie you'll ever see. According to wikipedia, Squirm was given the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment back in 1999 which is fucking bullshit. I dare you to watch this thing sober and talk over it. Trust me, I tried it sober and shit-faced. Sober, this is some riveting shit. It just goes to show that the 3000 crew wouldn't know a good (or should I say bad?) movie if it fucked them in the ass. *

Anywho, this thing takes place in a small rural town. It begins with a violent storm that downs some powerlines which, for some unexplained reason, are left sending thousands of volts directly into the earth (for the entire picture!). Not being much of a worm expert, I simply had to accept the fact that electricity forces worms to the surface and you can only imagine that they wouldn't be too happy about it. This picture is a slow burn though, so first things first. Characters. We've got the pretty red headed southern belle, Geri (Patricia Pearcy), who lives with her mother and sister in an isolated farm house outside of the town proper. On his way to visit Geri (just as the storm hits) is the big city boy, Mick (Don Scardino). Mick's character is in the Matthew Broderick vein, the sort of character who comes across as a smart ass even when doing something as innocent as ordering an "egg cream" (city speak for chocolate soda apparently) at the local diner. Roger is the local bumpkin, a jealous good ol', slightly retarded, son of a bitch that does odd jobs around Geri's homestead when not slaveing away at his father's worm farm. Yeah, he and his pa run a worm farm, but Roger can't stand the fucking things. He's got bigger things on his mind, like wooing Geri which, let's face it, would most likely result in rape. I loved the Sheriff who wouldn't believe in killer worms even if the things bit him on the pecker. I'm pretty sure they do. This is the kind of scum bag that hits on a girl stranded in town by the weather, treats her to a spaghetti dinner at Fly Creek's #1 restaraunt italiano, probably gets her drunk, and then basically forces her to spend the night at his place so he can bang the shit out of her and ultimately become worm food post coitus. Good guy.

I also liked the antique dealer. He was played by a skeleton.

I guess my mantra is "they just don't make 'em like this anymore". I'd like that to be my epithet. This picture has several terrific moments. The fishing trip with Roger, Mick, and Geri has to be near the top. Mick, thinking Roger responsible for his Pops death (they found his worm filled torso a little earlier), abandons Geri, so she can keep an eye on Roger while he goes off to investigate. Finally alone with the object of his obsession, Roger attempts a little rape only to spurned, not only by Geri but also by his fucking fish bait! Roger stops being Roger and becomes known as Worm-face from this point on. Worm-face is the greatest character in the history of motion pictures and I'm not kidding. Somehow, those worms get into his brain and drive him insane, so not only do we have a billion bloodsucking worms to contend with, we've got a crazy retarded man with wormy pock marks, the greatest use of pock marks since Bava's Black Sunday. When Worm-face tosses Mitch into a ditch and screams after him "now you get to be da worm-face" I knew I was in the presence of greatness.

Shit man, Rick Baker is the guy that created the werewolf in An American Werewolf in London. In this thing, he creates an ocean of worms that take over the first floor of one of those giant plantation type homes, you know, the kind with the pillars. It's fucking genius. Sure, they don't really look like worms (more like mobile spaghetti), but they still creeped me the fuck out. This is not the type of picture where there's an easy solution. Basically, try your best to live. There's some bullshit about how the worms disappear when the light hits them so I guess try to avoid the night is the moral of the story. You could try climbing a tree (they do) but these are the type of worms that can eat through roots and cause a tree to fall on the house (which they do). And then, to top it all off, you have to contend with worm-face who is now a full on human worm hybrid that slithers, slinks, inches (what the fuck do worms do anyway??) towards our fleeing heroes.

I feel like I've missed a shit load here. If you enjoyed Slugs I think you'll like this one even better. I mean, Slugs is great and all but it left me feeling a little depressed after it was over. This picture has the superior effects and yet you still end up feeling a little dirty after it's over and I don't mean dirty in a bad sort of way. Other than the Mick character, everything is so god damned authentic. Geri is a pretty hot ginger girl (side-al breast at one point) but she's about the only eye candy in this thing. Everyone else is just poor. And white. I couldn't help wondering how Mick could even come to know Geri. Here's an annoying, intelligent New Yorker traveling to the back woods of Georgia to hook up with some broad he met god knows where. I don't for a second believe she attended college, so that's right out. This was before internet hook ups were in vogue, so that's out. It's the one element of the story I couldn't wrap my head around. The worms on the other hand....

*I actually like these guys but they really misjudged this picture. This is me playing for both teams, so to speak.

Where the hell have I been, etc

What a way to start the year. My computer went down earlier this month with a multitude of viruses. I still hope to have it back, wiped clean, sometime soon. In the meantime, I’m writing this thing at work (after hours, I may have a crappy work ethic but it’s not that crappy). Anyway, I promised you guys a list of my five worst films of 2008 so here it is with minimal, if any, commentary.

5-1. Diary of the Dead – suck it.

Fuck man, it feels like that came out in 2005. I also sorta hated, but mostly just felt too indifferent about to include on any “worst of” list; The Happening, The Spirit, The X-Files, The Mummy: Tomb of the Forbidden Kingdom, and Indiana Jones.

My scheduled sword and sorcery-sploitation month has been blown to hell thanks to the sorta viruses one might catch at porno sites. I’ve seen several pictures in the past month though. Thanks to alcohol I can only remember the ones I saw this weekend. I’m winging these after a long day of work and I’m mostly of the “get me the fuck out of here” attitude so these will be brief. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m still alive and have yet to be murdered by a jealous husband.

Piranha 2: The Spawning (1983)

James Cameron has a thing for sequels, especially if he didn’t direct the first one. Aliens is pretty good. The first one, aptly titled Alien, is about one alien with several large teeth. While one alien probably wouldn’t stand a chance against a platoon of space marines it’s more than tough enough for a rag tag crew of space janitors or whatever it was they were doing out there. Which is why Cameron wrote more than one alien into the sequel. Also, a big fucking queen alien. He knew that one alien versus a crew of space marines would be a pretty short, uneventful movie. The genius even called the thing Aliens.

Piranha 2 is Cameron’s first movie and let me tell you it’s no Aliens. I don’t remember if I saw the first Piranha or not. I’m guessing I did since I ate this kinda shit for breakfast as a kid. Is that the one where Richard Pryor tries to cross the river and the piranhas eat off his pants? That shit was hilarious. Anyway, Piranha was directed by genre stalwart Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling, The Burbs) and also written by John Sayles (Aligator, Brother From Another Planet) so I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that it is pretty good. Well, James Cameron is arguably a better filmmaker than Dante but I would argue that Piranha 2 is not a better film than Piranha (which I arguably have not seen so that's some argument).

One thing I did like about this picture however was the pre-title sequence. Fantastic. We see a young couple out in their boat. The woman says something like “let’s do what we came out here for”. Then we see them scuba diving towards a shipwreck. Yes, they are investigating a shipwreck, maybe searching for lost gold or some shit. Now we can begin to understand why Cameron has such a hard on for the Titanic. Anyway, suddenly the broad has removed her bathing suit and she bears down on the man. He seems stunned. She removes the knife from his ankle sheath. Is she going to murder him and take the treasure for herself? Why is she naked? (One should learn never to ask such questions). Wait, she’s just cutting off his speedo so they can do it underwater. I’ve heard women can’t get pregnant underwater. It's a scientific fact. Then we are treated to the point of view of some, at first, unseen entitie(s). Unfortunately, Cameron shows all his cards way too early as those little underwater flying fuckers start eating and the ocean turns red as the title comes up. Suspense flushed down the shitter.

The picture stars Lance Henriksen (every movie made after 1980) as a sheriff in some small Caribbean town. In support of Henriksen are a bunch of other people I'm not familiar with, several of whom get naked. I guess the difference between this picture and the first one is that these piranhas have been genetically altered so they can fly. Some sort of military experiment I guess. Basically, we have the sheriff, the asshole resort owner who refuses to postpone the annual fish fry, the ex wife/scuba instructor, the son who gets in over his head, and the native that fishes with dynamite. The flying fish effects are bad. Cameron is lost without a budget. There are a couple of incredibly mean spirited bimbos (who thankfully get naked) who try to steal food from a mentally challenged man and then invite him on a leisure cruise only to dock their boat just far enough from the pier that the poor bastard can’t get onboard. The poor horny son of a bitch tries to jump on, but misses wildly and gets called an asshole by the two teasing broads for his troubles. Their comeuppance is coming.

The picture’s best effect was, strangely enough, ripped off from the original Alien when a piranha that had burrowed itself into a dead guy bursts out of his chest during the autopsy. Henriksen is pretty solid but not really given much to do except pine for his ex-wife and look for his son. Upon finding the kid, who by the way is at one point shown making love to a young lady in a waterfall (that son of a bitch is barely fifteen!), he makes the curious decision to put his helicopter in neutral and ditch the thing into the ocean. Henriksen’s ex-wife looks like Adrienne Barbeau which is the best thing I can say about her. Cameron liked her enough to cast her as “woman” in The Titanic. The fish fry is pretty fun, but one can only watch so many flying fish before he catches himself looking for the string (not very hard to find). Cameron would eventually redeem himself before disappearing for a decade but this is not a very promising beginning.

The Fortress (1993)

This one was surprisingly not terrible. Starring Christopher Lambert and the incredibly cute Loryn Locklin as a married couple living in one of those futuristic dystopias that everyone loves to make movies about. In this one, families are only allowed to have one child in an effort to curb overpopulation. Failure to adhere to this law leads to imprisonment. If you’re unlucky, you’ll be sent to “the fortress”, a futuristic, privatized establishment run by a cyborgish Kurtwood Smith (Robocop). That's exactly where Locklin and Lambert get placed when they try to cover up a second pregnancy after their first child died in infancy. Due to budgetary reasons, this prison is built underground so we never really get an idea of its scope. Each prisoner has an “intestinator” inserted in their stomach which will a) give them cramps or b) explode if they don’t follow protocol. Smith holes up in his office like some sort of robotic Howard Hughes leering over the sex dreams of his prisoners before his female companion (a fem-puter) commands him to turn on the prisoner's intestinator. No wet dreams in this prison I guess. No wonder the homoeroticism runs rampant. Alliances are made and broken, babies are extracted for a special kind of bonding with machines, breasts are left unbared, etc. Since this one’s directed by Stuart Gordon (Re-animator) one can expect some pretty impressive gore and one would not be disappointed. Impressively, the movie asks many questions about humanity and "progress". Less impressively, it doesn’t even begin to answer them. The Fortress may be “run” by Smith, but it’s his female-ish robots and synthetic guards that truly police things. Jeffrey Combs shows up as the computer geek who uploads a computer virus in order to help Lambert and his wife escape. This was years before Independence Day. Tom Towles (Henry) and Vernon Wells (The Road Warrior) appear somewhat briefly. I’ve always thought Lambert a terrible actor but I was mildly impressed with his work here (once you get past the accent). The Fortress is better than Beowulf 1999.

Shit man, I guess that’s it. I was going to briefly write about No Escape (loved it) and Repo: The Genetic Opera (the poster child for overrated “cult” films) but I’ve fucking had it for today. Save some shit for next time I guess (which I guarantee will be sooner than a month from now). If I have to stay late at work once or twice a week to post an entry, so fucking-be it I guess.

Movie Wars Volume I: Night of the Lepus vs Kingdom of the Spiders

It's time to introduce a new feature here at Moving Picture Trash. Time to mix things up a bit. Every so often, the plan is to take two similar pictures and force them to fight it out to the death for my, and your, amusement. Each contest will feature a short review of each film plus a "final thoughts" where I declare the victor. On rare occasions, there may even be more than two pictures fighting it out in a battle royale-type thing. Chances are, I'll be too lazy to write the third review so I wouldn't count on it. Anyway, in this corner we have a 1972 picture called Night of the Lepus weighing in at 180 pounds of lethal bunny and featuring that guy who played Doc McCoy from Star Trek. And, in the other corner, we have a 1977 televison production weighing in at 1/2 a pound (times a billion!) of furry cuddly tarantulas and starring that guy that used to boss around McCoy in Star Trek, called Kingdom of the Spiders! Remember the rules gentleman. Hitting below the belt, kicking, spitting, and sodomizing are all allowed and encouraged.

Night of the Lepus (1972):
I watched this one about a week ago and took no notes, so you'll have to bare with me here. This is one of those pictures TNT used to show on a saturday afternoon...or maybe it was USA. Anyway, the point is, I always thought it was a fucking awful premise. I mean, come on, giant mutated bunny rabbits don't just go around eating people! Then I grew up and now I know better. It's a brilliant premise. Something about bunnies just isn't right. Like in that Monty Python movie where the bunny decapitates all those knights in the blink of an eye. Maybe that was supposed to be funny, but I don't know. Wasn't it a bunny that led poor Cujo into the bunny hole where a rabid bat bit him on the nose. I think the little fucker knew exactly what it was doing. The crazy bitch in Fatal Attaction had the right idea. Too bad her pot wasn't big enough to boil a few more. This is the first picture to ever devote it's entire runtime to the fluffy menace. Is it able to sustain itself for the full 88 minutes?

Not really. The film opens with about five minutes of filler where some documentarian describes the history of bunnies in Australia. Apparently, they were introduced into the ecosystem to help control the grasshopers (or some shit) that were introduced into the ecosystem to control some other shit, etc. Well, I'm sorry, but Australia might have scores of "the world's deadliest" this and that but their ecosystem is pretty fucking weak if Thumper and Jiminy can ruin it. Also, that frog in The Simpsons. I liked the footage of the stampede of bunnies crashing into fences and so forth, though I suspect PETA was against it. PETA may be for bunnies and such, but this picture hypothesizes that they are against ecosystems I think. If PETA were for ecosystems, they'd probably urge us to kill ourselves because we are certainly destroying the big one.

Anyway, the American Southwest, like Australia before it, is being overrun by bunny rabbits. That cowboy Rory Calhoun plays a cowboy in this one by the name of Cole (solid cowboy name). He's out riding his son's favorite horse Billy or Tucker or something when it breaks its leg in a rabbit hole (Like in Cujo, rabbit holes suck). Cole takes out his gun but the poor horse pleads for it's life: "it's ok, I'll sit on the couch and watch TV...look look...i can hop along on three legs, no problem...." Cole doesn't speak horse so he puts it down. Damn bunnies. Cole calls upon his friend Elgin Clark who works for a university and also played that doctor in Star Trek. He exhibits some good range here because he grew a moustache and wore dungarees. Elgin, basically incompetent when it comes to rabbits, calls upon his two zoologist friends, Roy and Gerry Bennet (played by Janet Leigh). I was disappointed in Leigh's performance as she had bad hair. Oh well. Roy and Gerry theorize that if they give some kind of hormone thing to a rabbit and reintroduce him to the population that they will literally stop fucking like rabbits. Unfortunately, their annoying little bitch daughter mucks it up by switching a test subject with a control subject or something...maybe it was a different hormone, I don't know can't remember. Well, these rabbits begin fucking even more, but what's worse is that they grow to be the size of a VW bug. What can I say, bunnies become super-engorged when they fuck I guess.

I really really loved the premise, but I can't get behind the movie 100%. While, completely reminsicent of Them, this picture slowed down too much for boring exposition. The original plan to deal with them is not without problems. I mean, these guys aren't very scientific. The idea is to set off some dynamite at a cave entrance and bury the fuckers. I guess they think it was something else digging those bunny holes. Ever seen a fucking bugs bunny cartoon? He loves the underground. There are endless scenes of giant bunnies stampeding which I guess were filmed by really little people and their really tiny cameras. Unfortunately, these scenes had the effect of lulling me towards sleep as the bunnies were filmed in slow-mo with some kind of weird methodical underwater sounds. It was worse than counting sheep, trust me. Still, I liked how they just made little bunnies look huge instead of using CGI which hadn't been invented yet. I guess they could have used a bunch of men in bunny suits (they did this for a couple of up close attack scenes), but that would be ridiculous. My favorite scene was when the medical examiner was examining a body and he deducted that the only thing that could have done this was a sabre tooth tiger, which was the one scene where this picture delved into camp.

Well, for a movie about giant bunnies played mostly straight, this is just ok. There are a few attack scenes with bright red splatter but, for the most part, this one is gore free. There's a mini scene lifted right out of Night of the Living Dead where a cowboy and his family hole up in a basement as the bunnies try to get in. Cole fires his rifle through a door and a bunny goes flying straight up into the air. These are some brutish bunnies as evidenced by licking their lips before springing upon their prey (in one scene, a stampede of horses). Not much nudity in this thing, although I think we saw a naked female back of one of the victims. Not too sexy. The performances are all good and I'm surprised they could all keep a straight face. It's worth a look if it survives the night.

Kingdom of the Spiders (1977):
Here we have a picture that I'm pretty sure was made for TV back when the big three networks used to be in the movie production business. Remember those days, when things like Duel and Trilogy of Terror were actually made? Then, towards the late 80s early 90s everything had to be based on a true story or some shit like that. Fuck, I don't think they even make mini-series' anymore. You know why? I'm guessing the combination of cable channels and reality shows. What a fucking lousy time we live in. I yearn for the days when a movie about real (not CG) tarantulas mounting a full scale war on humans could be produced. If they made this movie today, the spiders would be as big as cars and computer generated. They'd have one natural predator and it would be a seven story tall dinosaur currently gobbling up people on Broadway. In the 70s, they actually had the balls to make a movie about regular sized spiders that just got pissed off for no real reason (there are some theories involving pestacide) and decide to one day march on all of mankind or, in this case, a small rural community in Arizona. What? This doesn't take place in New York City. That's fucking insane!

Like Lepus, this picture also stars a Star Trek alum, only this one is William Shatner. Shatner shows little of the range that Kelly exhibited in the previous feature, but he is infinitely more entertaining to watch. He may not have grown a moustache, but he does sport some dungarees and rides a horse (he was last seen riding a horse in Star Trek: Generations). Shatner plays a veterinarian named Dr. "Rack" Hansen (he's named Rack because he's bad at pool and was always told to "Rack 'Em"). Like any Shatner role, in this thing, he insisted that his character know how to work a lady or two. He has a thing for his dead brother's wife and, at one point, tells her "Lady, one of these mornings I'm gonna show up and milk that cow." (if you know what he means). She doesn't own a cow.

Rack is called out one day to investigate a sick calf at the farm of black cowboy Woody Strode (a few cowboy movies). The poor cow seems to have been brought down by a single bite from a spider (the movie isn't very realistic, although it employs realism. big difference in the film world people). This is too much for one single vet, even one that played Kirk, to handle, so Rack calls for some help in the form of a bug scientist named Diane Ashley. She's pretty hot, so Kirk immediately puts the moves on her by chasing her down in his truck and forcing her to come to dinner with him. I saw this a while ago, so it's possible his brother's widow has died by this point, but I can't remember and sorta doubt it. Kirk's hedonism knows no bounds.

Anyway, the spiders attack soon thereafter and kill off Woody Strode immediately (like most horror pictures, spiders are racist). Then they attack Woody's wife and she tries to shoot a spider off her hand with a handgun. There's a quick cut, so I assume she missed the spider. My favorite scene involved some crazy pilot in a crop duster who had to fend off some tarantula's that apparently learned how to fly because they weren't on the plane when he got on. These spiders are pretty big, so I find it hard to believe they found a reasonable place to hide. It's the picture's biggest effects scene and even comes with some maniacal screaming followed by an explosion. The scene where the town is overrun reminded me of Hitchcock's The Birds and employed something I'm not a big fan of (or, maybe I am but won't admit it); children in peril/or dying/or dead. Great scene.

Again, like Lepus, this one has a Night of the Living Dead inspired scene where Shatner and his fellow survivors hole up in a resort and try to defend it against little creepy crawlies that can climb through ventilator shafts, break windows, and jump really far. The last scene is apocalyptic yet looks like shit. Then some cowboy music comes on and it's all good (for the viewer anyway. i presume everyone else died horrible deaths). This is a fun one with many positives, though the lack of nudity in consecutive pictures is disheartening to say the least. Granted, both were rated PG, but that's kinda bullshit because I seem to remember seeing a PG movie in the early 80s that included bush....or tits..or both. I think Tommy Lee Jones was in it. Nate and Hank or some shit like that. I think he played a gay pirate. Anyway, Spiders beats that picture hands down (even with the bush shot that may or may not have happened). The real question is, of course, how does Spiders fare against Lepus? Will those murderous little fluffernators get caught in a web? Or, will the Spiders break their legs in rabbit holes (like Cole's poor horse, Fred)?

Final Thoughts

I'm not gonna get all scientific like the people in these pictures. I don't have rabbit hormones or pestacides in my apartment, so I'm gonna have to resolve this the old fashioned way. Since neither movie had boobs, I decided to go with the one that bored me least. Kingdom of the Spiders wins in the 3rd round after the refs stopped the fight and, thankfully, fast forwarded through the middle section of Night of the Lepus. Lepus died on the mat from the result of massive head trauma and also innumerable spider bites to the balls. If the picture had survived I would say that it, paired with Spiders, would make a terrific double bill on a lazy saturday afternoon. Just make sure it's a day when the Sci-Fi channel is showing one of their lame natural disaster marathons. Also, I'm sorry, but there is no fucking way on this earth, or in space, that Kirk is losing in a fight to McCoy. Although, if Lepus had involved space bunnies, the fight would have been closer.

Winner

Kingdom of the Spiders

KAW (2007)

Sheldon Wilson (Untitled Sheldon Wilson Project) directs one from the "most dangerous night on Television" collection. This one's called Kaw. I'm pretty sure you can figure out what it's about from the poster art (left). If not? what else can I say? If the birds ever decide to murder us, you're probably dead in the first wave. This plays like a loose sequel to Hitchcock's The Birds, except that it's only one type of bird (ravens) that turn against man. Also, The Birds already has a fitting sequel in the Brad Johnson starring, Alan Smithee directed classic known as The Birds II: Land's End. Smithee is pretty much the most versatile director in the history of cinema. His projects have included the Hellraiser where Pinhead goes into space, an episode of "The Cosby Show", and The OJ Simpson Story. I'm pretty sure he directed Rudy too, but checking IMBD it becomes pretty clear that he had his name removed from that piece of shit. Kaw is a little better than The Birds II. It's debatable whether or not it's better than Cat's Eye, the one with the murdering sun-uv-a-bitch pigeon on the ledge. My gut tell's me "probably not". Without question, it's far superior to the upcoming Michael Bay/Platinum Dunes' shitter called Sodomizing Hitchcock's Bones . Bay and his crap-factory, Platinum Dunes, are also responsible for Reeming Tobe Hooper a New Asshole and supposedly they'll be doing the same to Kathryn Bigelow (Near Dark, really? Bay and his cronies are actually remaking that?) in the near future.

For a Sci-Fi original, Kaw is about par for the course. It features a couple has-been actors like Sean Patrick Flannery (Powder) and Rod Taylor (Walker Texas Ranger and The Birds). Flannery plays the police chief of a small mid-western town. I'm sure they mentioned the name, but damned if I can remember it. Taylor is the grizzled old town doctor. Steven Mchattie, who was oh-so-despicable as the old killer at the beginning of A History of Violence, plays Clyde, the recovering alcoholic bus driver. He was actually pretty solid in this one. He's a poor man's Lance Henriksen. I'm not sure why they didn't call on Henriksen for the part, but maybe his agent priced him out of the equation. The cast is rounded out with a few sluts (making up a high school team, basketball I think, trapped on the bus with Clyde), a poor man's Joaquin Phoenix (Flannery's deputy), Kristen Booth (Cruel Intentions 2) as Flannery's wife, and Betty (diner proprieter).

Basically the Amish suck. That's the gist of the story. Ok, I just learned that the m-fers in this story aren't actually Amish, but Menonites. What the fuck is the difference? Well, I think these guys can ride in cars? They still grow awkward looking beards, wear wide brimmed hats, speak a barely intelligible dialect, and live on farms. Well, I'm mostly kidding. I've never met a Menonite before. Everything I know about them I learned from two films; Witness and Kingpin. They certainly didn't suck in those films. Oh wait, those guys were Amish. Damn this is confusing. Perhaps Wilson, the director, just has an axe to grind? Maybe a pack of Menonites murdered his family. More realistically, Wilson is probably just from a small town where a Menonite farmer let some mad cow disease go unchecked. It then spread to the local raven population who fed on the infected cattle carcasses. Due to the neglect of the Menonites, the townspeople were then set upon by mad cow infected birds. Wait, that's exactly what happens in this film. If that really happened to Wilson's town I can totally understand where he's coming from. However, in defense of the Menonites, it's possible they tried to warn the town only their letters didn't arrive in time. And, if there are any Menonites reading this well, then, I don't know.....are you sure you should be on that computer? I don't think you have a right to be pissed. I may have called you out but you had to break a sacred rule to find out about it. Whose God gonna favor?

Flannery is the chief of police who has "had his fair share of speed traps and parking tickets." He and his anthropologist wife (Booth) are looking to leave town but, first, he has to investigate an old man's "accidental" death on a farm. It was during the old man's death that I thought the film would actually have some balls. Initially, it seemed like the killer-bird epidemic was started after the old man accidentaly ran over one of their brethren. Unfortunately, the filmmakers didn't stick to their guns. I guess simple revenge wasn't "scientific" enough for the boys at Sci-Fi, hence the mad cow angle. Whatever. So, yeah, this old geezer was pecked to death and Flannery investigates. As the story progresses, the birds get more aggressive. It's all real simple. Eventually, the few remaining townspeople hole up in a central location (the diner) and try to stay alive. It's Night of the Living Mad Cow infected ravens. There's also a sub plot about Flannery's wife spending a good chunk of the movie stuck in a Menonite well after learning of their nefarious plans to keep their role in the spreading epidemic from the "english". Would those Menonite bastards kill to keep their secret safe? And, if so, would they use god-sanctioned weapons?

Despite featuring an assinine plot, characterizations, etc, the movie still managed to include some adequate special effects. I loved the silhouette of the ravens against the moon. I liked how the ravens were stark raven mad, yet retained enough of their senses to be able to work together, something these solitary creatures can't even manage when sober. The tragic demise of the deputy, complete with sad music, nearly brought a tear to my eyes. I don't know, it seemed to me, while watching, that Young Indiana Jones could have done more to save him. Many of the townsfolk wished the Menonites would just go away: "Why don't you go make a quilt, bake a pie, raise a barn, whatever. Just stop looking at me." This type of movie almost always features a doomed dispatcher and this one is no exception. As soon as the airwaves go dead, it's a sure sign that the town has been overrun.

There's a moment in this film, a moment so startlingly terrifying that I'm pretty sure you might just crap your pants. Of course, this happens when the ravens "throw" rocks at the bus windows in an attempt to get in. Stranded in the bus are Clyde, three female basketball players and their coach, Coach Bird Feed. Also, a Menonite girl (apparently this picture couldn't bear to have a plot strand without one). I liked the scenes involving the stranded bus. Basically, they consisted of Clyde running out to fix the bus, birds attacking, running back on the bus, and so on. The tension of the scene was created by adding a faulty door into the mix.

Finally, the film resolves itself back at the diner. The survivors make it back there, board it up and, still, the ravens get in. A Menonite elder tries to legally cover his ass by proclaiming "We have not kept to ourselves as we believe God wants and now he is punishing us for it." Uh huh. Sure. So, it has nothing to do with the mad cow disease you allowed to progress unfettered? Mother. Fucker. Anyway, Clyde comes up with an incredibly ridiculous final solution for dealing with the ravens. A solution so ridiculous, I'm not even sure how it worked. It's possible for Sci-Fi to do better, but to paraphrase a doomed character from this film, they're (the Sci-Fi Network) trapped in mud or shit or something and the ravens (awful, worthless films) are going to get in eventually (debut on an upcoming saturday night). Not sure how that fits, but whatever. I want a King Kong vs. Godzilla inspired sequel where the Kaws take on the abmominables from the coda of Abominable, only the abominables are sorta good, and the Kaws get the shit stomped out of themselves. Wow, I'm rambling and I'm tired. I guess I have one more thing to add. Why is it that the state police or the National Guard in these pictures can never make it to town until sun up? Are we to believe that their numbers are spread thin by similar incidents across the county, the state, the nation? It happens in every one of these pictures. I want a film where the national guard arrives on time, immediately followed by the marines, the CDC, a litany of mercernaries, some benevolent alien bounty hunters, maybe even a few hookers and still they're fucked.

Alligator (1980)

If you're a fan of Urban Legends than you should probably check this one out. Urban Legends is pretty much garbage. Alligator is not. You've heard the one about the baby alligator flushed down the toilet? The alligator then grows to epic proportions and feeds on those unlucky enough to venture down into the sewers. This movie takes on that particular legend but blends in some elements of its own about an experimental growth hormones used on dogs. The gator, named Ramon (named so by the little girl that originally purchased it from one of those touristy gator farms down south), feeds on their abandoned carcasses and grows really large. Also, I think the hormones give him the ability to teleport.

A humorous diversion, chock full of some grisly deaths and moderate scares. Speaking of grisly, why is it that the whole "vs" phenonmenon didn't take off more. I know, Godzilla did it to death, but those matches were basically just guys in costumes wrestling each other. We're starting to see these pictures come out today with films such as Alien vs. Predator, Freddy vs. Jason, Dollman vs. Demonic Toys, and Ecks vs. Sever to name a few. Personally, I think we should go back to the 1980s and before to film death matches between these pictures, particularly the ones about nature run amuck. For example, why not Prophecy vs. The Nest? I would certainly love to see The Swarm vs. The Kingdom of the Spiders. Why not The Stuff vs. Street Trash?? I guess the movie I most want to see though is Grizzly vs. Alligator (you probably didn't think i had a point when I said "speaking of grisly, did you?), not just because they both blatantly rip off Jaws. In the case of Grizzly, it was right there in the god damned tag line: "Jaws with claws". No, not just because of that. Not just because, like Jaws, neither beast gets a fair shake with their demise. Hell, Grizzly get's blown up by a fucking bazooka. How is that fair? No, the real reason I want to see this particular match is to see how the Grizzly approaches a battle with a 36 foot, 2000 lbs alligator. How does he avoid being taken in by Ramon's single best move, the death roll? Sure, the Grizzly has some enormous claws and teeth, but Ramon's got near impenetrable skin, a jagged whip like tale. Grizzly's best chance would be to gouge his eyes or cover them to put him to sleep, but, see, I'm not sure Grizzly would follow that strategy. Why? He's a fuckin Grizzly. So, to sum up, I give Ramon about a 90% chance to win this fight. Then again, what do I know? Ramon spent all the majority of Alligator eating dead dogs and children. Perhaps I give him too much credit.

This is a movie that's much better than it has to be, much like Frankenhooker or Kirdy Stevens' The Animal in Me. Credit for that can probably be given to the writer John Sayles (Piranha, 8 Men Out, The Return of the Secaucus 7, Lone Star). Sayles, I'm sure, added all of the humor including an allusion to Edward Norton (one of Ramon's victims, a sewer worker). No, not the actor, the honeymooner. I'm not going to give very much credit to the director, Lewis Teague. He followed this up with Cujo and Cat's Eye. I think he was last seen filming the Dukes of Hazzard reunion movie. He did an ok job.

Where Alligator really shines is the cast. Robert Forster (The Black Hole and Jackie Brown) plays David Madison, the cop who seems to have a difficult time holding onto partners. They tend to get shot or eaten. Robin Riker (Body Chemistry II) is his love interest Marissa but, in a twist, she's also the girl that purchased Ramon as a child. Robert Doyle (Barnaby Jones) plays Marissa's angry, vindictive father who flushes poor Ramon. He's only in this for a minute. Also, this was his last picture. My favorite character was Frank Pentangeli (The Godfather II) as Chief Clark. Whenever Madison screws up, Frank is there to fire him, but he always takes him back. Good old reliable Henry Silva (Chained Heat) even shows up as some sort of professional crocodile hunter. I guess they were confused because this was an alligator and so predictably, Silva gets eaten. He must have had some bad intel.

I mentioned earlier that this movie is funny. I know I'm not the trustworthy sort, so I'll just spell it out for you. A kid gets eaten at his own birthday party. Do I even need to elaborate? Ok, they are playing a rousing game of "walk the plank" as young kids are apt to do. The boy, dressed as a pirate, is pushed off the end of a diving board. He sees the alligator the instant before his friend, unaware of Ramon's presense, pushes him in. The water becomes red. Happy fucking birthday. Hysterical.

There's another great scene, set in the ghettos of St. Louis (Note: The film takes place in St. Louis) where some kids are playing stick ball in the streets and the alligator busts through the sidewalk. Since this occured directly after the suburban pool incident, I just assumed that the gator had taken on the ability to think himself across town. Of course, he's still working out the kinks of his new superpower, otherwise he wouldn't have gone through the sidewalk. That looked like it hurt. I loved when one of the stickballers ran to his apartment and grabbed a knife out of his room. I was anticipating a fight, but, unfortunately, the kid wised up and realized only a fool would bring a knife to a gator fight.

The alligator effects weren't really effects. I think it was a real gator. They must have used some trick photography to make it look big and for the most part they worked. Except for the scene were he goes through the sidewalk. That was terrible. The gator in that scene was also fake, and it showed. There's not much else to say. You will know if you will like this movie before you even see it. If you like it when people get eaten, especially rich, spoiled people (the wedding scene is priceless) than you will love this one.

Also, it goes great with a gin and tonic. Or seven.

Black Sheep (2006)

Get the flock out of here!

I wanted to love it. I liked it well enough, but unfortunately, I was calling a cab for it at about 3 in the morning. Definitely not an all nighter. Perhaps I just wasn't drunk enough?

When I learned the creature effects were being done by Weta, this became a must see. In the beginning, we are introduced to two brothers, Angus and Henry. They live on a farm in New Zealand with their father, herding sheep. Angus, being the elder brother, is a bit of a prick. He likes to chop up sheep with an axe and wear their body parts so that he can frighten his younger brother. Henry, understandably, grows up with an intense fear of this particular livestock. After their father has a cliff diving accident, the youngest brother moves away to the city, leaving his slightly psychotic brother to run the farm. Fifteen years later, Henry returns, at the behest of his therapist, only to learn that Angus has been dabbling in genetic engineering. No, he didn't create Dolly, but I think what he did create is probably the next best thing.

Of course, we all know hippies suck, right? Are you with me? Well, all it takes in a movie of this ilk, is for two such fucking activists to infiltrate the farm, steal a cannister from some lab techs, trip as they're fleeing into the woods, and have a little genetically altered sheep fetus bite the guy in the ear, thereby setting in motion what I'd like to call a fucking shitstorm of sheep shit. Angus, has been spending his years, with the aid of a few mad scientists, trying to develop the perfect sheep. Of course, Could anythiing be more perfect than human DNA? Regarding the sheep fetus; I loved it. It was a perfectly fine updated version of the Sumatra rat monkey from Dead Alive. So, are you still with me? Basically, this fetus bites the unfortunate activist, Grant, who eventually changes into a humanoid sheep monster, but not before he can bite Angus. Grant's attractive hippy partner, named Experience (Oh, brother!) escapes and aligns herself with Henry and the farm manager Tucker. Tucker is eventually attacked and bit by a sheep, so he's pretty much fucked, and on and on and on.

There are two fantastic scenes in this picture. One scene involves Angus holding a meeting with investors from around the globe. As they all take their seats, we see thousands of sheep stampeding over the hill and towards the congregating food (investors). What follows is a buffet of gore, with intestines pulled, limbs sheared, throats ripped. These are some fucking intense sheep. And yet, I loved them. They were still so fucking adorable. There are scenes where they are clearly supposed to be ominous & yet I can't help but yearn to hug them. Even when they are savagely biting at our heroes feet I kept saying "ahhhhh..." as if it was time to snuggle. Is that wrong? Should they have been more dangerous OR was that the point? The other great scene is when Henry must go through a flock of sheep in cognito. So, of course, he dons some fur and starts crawling out upon his knees. It doesn't take long before an adonis sheep takes a liking to him and mounts him from behind (Top Secret homage, I'm sure). It's here where we, the viewer, are subjected to a view of the largest sheep balls...er mountain oysters we have ever seen.

Oh, I also liked when Angus opened his speech to the doomed investors by saying "This land was carved from Virgin bush..." Yeah, I like that line.

Anywhoo, there's alot more to this film. Angus redefines animal husbandry at one point. I loved how the sheep dog finally got put to good use at the end. I disliked the genetic engineering angle. I guess the filmmakers here would probably get as pissed as Danny Boyle got when you refered to the infected as zombies. They're not zombies! They're genetically altered sheep men! I'm just not a big fan of the geneticist conspiracy angle here. Why not keep it simple? God, haven't these guys ever heard of a meteorite? I'm sick of hearing about the fallacy of man. Aliens can be evil too! That's a solid lesson. There's a transformation scene that certainly earns it's place below An American Werewolf in London. My review is one large mixed message, isn't it? Well....I recommend it. I mean, it's no Day of the Animals, but it's still pretty fun. I just wish those fucking sheep weren't so damned cute.

No word yet on whether those mountain oysters are included in the R Rated version. I'll keep you posted.