Predators (2010)

Predators is to Aliens as is Predator is to Alien.  Did I get that right?  It's been a long time since I've had to worry about analogies.  Predators pretends that the other Predator sequels (Predator 2, and especially Alien versus Predator I & II) never existed.  This is the first picture in the series that feels like the first Predator.  Actually, if you take away the alien (or predator, if you're confused) setting (which greatly resembles the Guatemalen jungles anyway), it's pretty much the same damned movie.  Throw that analogy above right the fuck out.  Still, plenty of good fun to be had here.

Predators opens abruptly.  With Adrien Brody being jolted awake by the fact that he is plumetting from the sky towards a jungle landscape thousands of feet below.  He lands with a thud, seconds after his shoot finally opens.  He has no idea where he is or how he got where he is.   A few feet away, lands Danny Trejo with a couple of uzis at his disposal.  Brody's got a rifle.  Some crazy Russian bastard who landed a bit further away starts shooting at them with the same gun Jesse Ventura used in the first picture, you know, the "big fucking gun" (to quote The Rock in Doom).  Brody, obviously some sort of skilled survivalist type, easily flanks the Russian and gets him to calm down.  Others fall from the sky:  We got a female sniper (and potential love interest for Brody), a guy that fought in the Sierra Leone, that guy that was in "The Shield" as a death row inmate/rapist/comic relief, a Samurai Yakuza, and Topher Grace, from "That 70s show" as a doctor who seemingly doesn't belong in this situation.

If this had been the first picture in the series I might have been intrigued by the opening in an "Outer Limits" sort of way.   Why are they here?  Who, or what, brought them here?  What do they all have in common?  The characters even have some fun with their plight wondering in a Lost-ian sort of way if, perhaps, they're all dead.  Too bad we know from the trailers and also the title that they were brought here by a bunch of predators for the simple joy of being hunted and killed in horrible ways.  Also, Brody calls it a "gaming preserve" in the trailer, which doesn't make much sense since there ain't much preserving of game in this thing.  Point is, lots of spoilage before I even saw the damned thing.

So, the characters spend a lot of time walking around a jungle.  The sniper, who I mentioned is a broad, analyzes the terrain, and the topography, and has no idea what jungle they're in.  It's not Africa, or Asia,  "I guess it could be the Amazon", but she doesn't sound convinced.  Then they wander onto a cliff and notice the giant moon and also the fact that there are multiple giant moons.  If this doesn't convince them they're fucked maybe the alien dogs with large protruding spikes on their faces will.

Other than the dogs, another alien that runs on two feet, Laurence Fishburne as a guy who has lived through "ten seasons", and the fact that they are being hunted by three predators instead of one, this is practically the same picture as the first one.  Brody makes a serviceable action hero.  He's bulked up considerably but remains wire-y in contrast to Arnold's bulkiness.  He's a highly intelligent bad ass.  One other difference is that he doesn't smoke cigars like Arnold did.  I'm sure there were others.  The girl sniper reminds us of the girl from the first one.  I thought she was her daughter or something but they didn't go there so ignore this sentence.  The guy from Sierra Leone looks like a nicer version of Bill Duke's character from the first one and is also the first to notice the predator looking down at them from the treetops and to be seen in predator-vision (just like Dukes).  Topher Grace is the seemingly weak, yet slightly smarter, version of the Shane Black character.  Slightly smarter until the part where he wanders off from the group and gets someone killed.  I guess that makes the Russian this picture's version of Jesse "I ain't got time to bleed" Ventura.  They're nothing alike except that they carry the same type of gun.  The Yakuza would be this picture's version of Sonny Landham.  They're both quiet, spiritual, and with a strict honor code that doesn't allow them to flee during a key moment.  I can't remember if Landham walked around the jungle barefoot or not.

I guess there is no Carl Weather's character in this one unless we want to say the rapist character would be his stand-in but I'm not gonna do that to Carl Weathers even if his Dillon was an asshole.

So, these characters wander around, set up defensive perimeters, and fight a predator, just like the first one.  Ok, they fight three predators, hence the title.  And, a forth predator even factors into this one but they don't fight him. Lots of predator-vision which had higher resolution than the predator-vision in the first one.  Not as pixellated, so good for the predators.  They've advanced.  Anyway, over the course of the picture they find cages which had also parachuted down to the planet.  What was in the cages?  Other prey, perhaps.

Eventually, the picture goes on a slightly weird tangent when they encounter Laurence Fishburne who has managed to survive a long time.  He even killed a few predators, and stole some cloaking armor.  He takes them back to an old crusty grounded spaceship where he's been hiding.  He's also a schizophrenic which makes you wonder how he could possibly have lasted this long.  He doesn't last much longer.

The picture's not unique but it manages to move itself along well enough.  The rapist has a funny speech about what he's gonna do if he ever makes it home (hint:  The Accused) and Topher has an equally funny reaction to that speech.  There's some gore in this thing.  One guy has his spine ripped out from the base with his head still attached.  One guy is blown up by one of those predator tracking energy beam things which doesn't exactly mesh with what happens when you get shot by one of those predator tracking energy beam things in the first one.  Then again, these predators are constantly advancing.  Their advancement might be the point of this whole hunting exercise, you might say.

The terrain of this world makes little sense.  Start in the jungle, walk a mile and you're on rocky terrain.  Walk another mile and you're in a field that might be a great place for a Samurai duel (spoiler).  The director is the superbly named Nimrod Antal who also made the adequately entertaining Armored (also with Laurence Fishburne).  The score contains plenty of notes from the original, not quite iconic, score. 

The finale involves a betrayal, an unexpected alliance, paralyzing neurotoxins, a blown up predator space ship, redeeming shots from a sniper rifle, serial killer shenanigans, beheadings, and etc.  Also, we got a mud covered Adrien Brody going man-o y predator-o with a predator.  I have to wonder though.  Do these predators know we are calling them predators?  What would they prefer to be called?  I mean, we are lumping them in with Lions, bears, snakes, and such.  Not very original.  And one more thought.  If they let the pianist manhandle them too badly should we even be calling them predators in the first place?  Despite these questions (and a few more) this was an enjoyable romp through a world of predators and others that may or may not beat them up.

The Road (2009)

The Road is the story of a road which is traveled by a father and son whose goal is to survive the road. Sounds easy enough I guess. What's so dangerous about a road anyway? Well, we learn early on that some sort of cataclysmic event occurred that destroyed civilization. We don't know what occurred and it's never really mentioned, only hinted at. Aliens? Meteor? War? Neutrinos from the sun melting the earth's core causing the crust to surf on the lava is my assumption based on the earthquakes. The picture is based on the novel of the same name written by Cormac McCarthy and endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. So, before we even watch this we can probably guess that this won't be your father's post apocalypse. No gangs of raving mad punk rockers, no talking dogs, no big, or even medium sized, action sequences, etc.

I'm always eager to see how a book I love (and I loved The Road) is adapted for the big screen. This one worried me a little bit. I mean, the trailer focused on disaster footage. Almost looked I Am Legend-ish which wouldn't be right for this picture. I had faith in John Hilcoat (directed the McCarthy-esque The Proposition) and Viggo Mortensen to get it right. They pretty much did. The movie is pretty minimalist. We got snippets of McCarthy's prose (in voice over form), we got heart ache, we got struggles to survive, and even a few tense situations (although these don't really define the picture). Oh, and bleak shit. Lots and lots of bleak shit.

The movie centers around the father (Viggo) and the son (Kodi Smit-McPhee). See, the son was born after the world ended. He knows nothing else. The father has two objectives. To teach his son how to survive after he is gone and also to protect him while he still lives. They head for the coast. It seems like a good idea. Along the way they scavenge for food, avoid contact with other people (most of whom will just try to eat them anyway), and stay warm. The world, meanwhile, continues to die. Earthquakes cause dead trees to fall. Fires burn the hills. All wildlife is pretty much extinct, excepting the occasional cricket which get eaten by the father and son.

I appreciated the washed out look of the thing. The performances by Mortensen and Smit-McPhee were very good. The people they meet on the road were all performed admirably by actors such as Robert Duvall, Garrett Dilahunt, Michael K. Williams (particularly heart wrenching), Guy Pearce, etc. The Nick Cave/Warren Ellis score is suitably minimalist, though not quite on par with work they did for The Proposition or The Assassination of Jesse James. There is a lot to admire here. It's nice to see an end of the world picture actually make things look shitty. I'm not sure it'd be a roller coaster action adventure (like in 2012). People would die. Horribly. Slowly. Governments would fall. Teeth would rot. Suicide rates would skyrocket. Cannibalism. Rape. All that shit. This picture, along with Testament and Time of the Wolf before it, seem to have a clue as to what this type of world would be like.

I guess the question is "Ok, all fair and good, but why do I need to see this shit?" Simple answer. You don't. Despite the Oprah recommendation this material probably ain't for everyone. I have a morbid curiosity. And, despite most of the shit I watch and write about, have a desire to see quality pictures from time to time. And, there is a little bit of hope to be found here (actually, there's a lot when you consider the obstacles these characters are facing). Sure, this world is a shitty place to live and it likely won't get any better. Sure, there's a scene where the father instructs his son the fine art of blowing out your own brains (they have two bullets left, one for each of them - better than being cannibalized), sure, there are horrors pretty much every where they go, etc. I don't know, if amidst all this shit people can still manage to do good to one another (i.e. "carry the fire"), then maybe there is hope for us. There will always be bad guys but the movie also makes a point to note that there will always be good guys too.

And don't be put off by the Charlize Theron part. She appears only in flashback. She's very good and her scenes work. We understand her decision not to continue on. There are several dreams the father has of sunnier times (fingering wife at a concert, waking up after a night of sex in a car, etc) which he awakens from as if he's just had a nightmare only to realize oh wait, I'm living the nightmare. The nightmare is that shit's all gone. These additions are almost necessary to keep the movie from being dragged down in bleakness.

I don't know what else to say except it's a good movie but probably not as great as I'd hoped it would be. Perhaps the book is not very adaptable. Or, Perhaps I liked it too much. Viggo Mortensen gives an oscar caliber performance. The end is incredibly moving, Guy Pearce shows up to lighten things up with the one little bit of humor the picture allows at the end. Which I think is also a moment where the viewer is supposed to think oh wait, that guy said something funny, maybe they're not completely fucked? There's some scary shit in a farm house basement. The kid tries to feed everybody they meet and make his father give them back their clothes after he steals them. I'm not sure I'd label this thing as "oscar bait" like I've heard some mention. I mean, what about this thing screams "oscar"? The cannibalism. The child murders. The rape? The fact that the death of the world is being depicted with relentless realism? Well, with the expansion to 10 best picture nominees I guess it's a possibility. If you enjoyed Testament or Time of the Wolf than you will probably enjoy this one too. Which is to say you're a fucked up individual for having enjoyed them.

Day 10 - 6: Paranormal Activity (2007)

Well, this picture will have to cover a few days (for now) since I've fallen so far behind and I'm not sure I'll be able to catch up by Halloween. Paranormal Activity would fall into the "found footage" sub genre of horror (The Last Broadcast, The Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, Cannibal Holocaust, etc). Fortunately, I wasn't aware it was a found footage type of film going in. Unfortunately, they spoil the thing with a bit of text at the beginning stating that the producers would like to thank the families of Katie and Micah (our two leads) which sorta implies that they're either dead or missing. My expectations were more along the lines of this being a "ghost hunters" or a Poltergeist type situation, only they tried to fool us into thinking this was actually real. You know, a few scares, a few jumps, everyone comes out ok in the end except for the ghosts who are still dead.

Instead (and slight spoilers may abound, so tread carefully...or don't tread at all) what we get is a little different. Katie and Micah have been dating for three years. She's a professional student. He's a douchey day trader. She moves into his house in San Diego, a two floor number with a pool out back, three bedrooms, sparse furnishings, giant tv, etc. The house isn't isolated. We got a sunny neighborhood, lots of houses, mind-their-own-business neighbors. The house looked brand new, so not your typical haunted house either. Well, here's a minor spoiler. The house ain't haunted. Katie is. Turns out she's had experiences since she was 8; feeling a presence, strange noises, unexplainable fires, etc. Micah has a point when he says this information could have been useful before she moved in.

Of course, Micah embraces this as a great opportunity to capture some paranormal type activities on camera. He sets one up in the bedroom, on a tri-pod to see what happens while they sleep. They turn the thing off once during the entire picture and it's for the freaking sex act. Everything in this picture is shown through the lens of that camera. During the day, Micah walks around with it while Katie tells him to put the thing away. She tells him that often. The first night, around 3 AM, everything seems fine. Then suddenly the door moves a few inches, then it moves back. Could be those swirling San Diegan crosswinds coming in through the window I guess. Things progress a bit, Katie calls a psychic who doesn't really help much. Apparently (and here is another spoiler) they're not dealing with a ghost. It's a demon, not the psychic's realm of expertise. He gives them the number of a good demonologist and leaves claiming "I've angered it just by being here." Thanks man, big help.

The "activities" progress from relatively harmless (the door) to pretty fucking terrifying (loud crashes, loud footsteps coming up the stairs, growls, and much worse). Micah doesn't help matters by calling out the demon, saying things like "this is MY house", buying a Ouija board which promptly burns on camera, of course, while they're out. Micah is incredibly unlikeable, but Katie's got our sympathies. The performances by these two non-actors are, for the most part, convincing. Katie calls the demonologist, against Micah's wishes, but he's out of town. Things get more desperate, bodily harm becomes a possibility. I guess there are no other demonologists in California?

This one's a rollercoaster. We got the moments of calm (daytime, for the most part) which lead to terrifying moments (anything after bed time). The anticipation becomes unbearable. The creepiness nearly unrelenting. I looked forward to the day time shit just so I could catch my breath. After a while, the character actions start to border on the idiotic. You got the footage, the proof! For chrissakes, have a bunch of friends stay the night, show the police, contact some family, do something! Don't just go to bed the night after Katie (spoiler!) is dragged from it. Call another demonologist, please. The special effects are seamless to the point that you'll be asking yourself "how did they do that?" a few times.

I guess we're all just a bunch of voyeurs, demons included. While our couple records every occurrence in their bedroom in hopes of catching a glimpse of the entity, our entity is clearly watching their every move. Whether, it's infatuated with Katie is never overtly explained. There's some connection there. Ironically, the one time they turn off the camera is to have sex. The demon saw it all and probably wasn't too happy, especially not with the "that was illegal in Kentucky" line. The demon wanted that ass first, Micah. Way to anger the demon.

The movie nearly blows it with an ending, apparently suggested by Steven Spielberg, that shows way too much while giving the audience their first view of some clearly computer generated bullshit. Something more subtle would have been preferred, perhaps one of the two alternate endings that were actually filmed. Despite that disappointment, this one might scare you. There's no escaping this type of entity. Katie can run, but it will follow (or so the psychic tells us). Still, I'll take my chances in a fully staffed hotel. I was more creeped out during the movie than actually frightened. Then, later that night, I lay in my bed until 2 or 3, watching TV, afraid to go asleep since it could mean waking up in an hour or two when my bedroom door opens and slams shut (on it's own). Or worse, with my roommate standing at the foot of my bed in a state of catatonia although, that would be horrific for other reasons.

Where The Wild Things Are (2009)

Thank god for fate. I had resigned myself to not seeing this probably until DVD. Then, I walked to work this morning to find my building closed. The result of a burst water main. I grabbed a little breakfast and thought about my plans for the day. I jumped the gun on my "19 days to Halloween" feature (see Fido) and then sat in my chair surfing the web for a bit. On a whim, I checked fandango. 11:20 showing of Where the Wild Things Are. Hmmmm....looked at the clock. 11:10. Set the computer down and booked it to the theater. I didn't even miss any trailers (though with the exception of Fantastic Mr. Fox, they all kind of sucked).

This one sure brought me back. Not to any particular movie, but to my childhood. A time when I actually used my imagination on a regular basis. Max (Max Records) is a typical child (at least back in my days). An overactive imagination, lots of time spent by himself, a fairly antagonistic relationship with his sibling(s). The movie opens with him building a snow fort, trying to get his sister to play, and then watching as her friends destroy it (thinking they're joining in on the fun). In retaliation, Max tracks snow in her room and on her bed, to the chagrin of his mother. The set up brought back memories of hours spent alone, exploring, dreaming up fantastic scenarios, building things, not receiving enough attention, and ultimately waiting for mom to get home.

One night, his mom (Catherine Keener) has a boyfriend over. Max acts out. He doesn't want frozen corn, he pouts, he yells, and he flees. He runs and runs and runs until he comes to the edge of a shore to an endless sea. Docked on the shore is a little sail boat. He gets aboard and sets sail through stormy waters ending up in a distant land. The land of the Wild Things.

The wild things are a wonderful creation of special effects and costume. Not exactly menacing, although they sometimes delve close to that, they quickly embrace Max as their king. Of course, a couple threaten to eat him first. James Gandolfini voices Carol, the one that becomes Max's closest friend. His voice work is wonderful, as is all the voice work, from Catherine O'hara (as Judith "the downer")to Lauren Ambrose (as KW) and Paul Dano (as Alexander). I didn't even recognize Chris Cooper as Douglas....

....shit, I'm gonna stop this "proper" review. Yes, the movie is great. I loved every minute of it, but I gotta be honest about something here. Sadly, I'm not sure kids today are gonna dig it like I did. I've been reading a lot about kids saying the movie was too sad, or it left them bored, or whatever. It's just not a movie for these times I guess. This is a movie for kids of my time and the times before. As the movie began, I wasn't sure what I was gonna think. We got this Max kid running around like a crazy animal, attacking his dog, and shit. Then we got a freeze frame as the title comes up. I thought the kid was pretty annoying at first. Then, something clicked. He built that snow fort, lined up some snowballs, and began an attack on his sister's friends. His sister was embarrassed, barely even acknowledged him as she drove away. This kid was me. He was all of my friends. When I wasn't at school, I could spend eight hours outdoors. Easy. I grew up with miles of woods, corn fields, beaver ponds to explore, had adventures, sat in a tree for hours at a time scanning the horizon. Do kids even build snow forts these days?

Mind if I get on my high horse, my pedestal, my soap box for a while? Possibly for the rest of this write up? Today, it's all about the electronic gadgets man. They got their ipods, their iphones, their PS3s. It's hard to imagine a kid spending more than an hour outside. I can't really say I blame them. I'm that way now with my DVDs, my laptop, etc. I'll kill my weekends watching movies. Hell, I just joined a gym and even most of that time is spent absent mindedly peddling a bike while I stare blankly at a TV or listen to my ipod. These are shitty times to grow up in. I can't even really blame the parents I guess. We're all victims to progress. Now, if you have a healthy imagination people might think you need therapy (which is something I heard referring to Max in this picture). Fuck man, it's depressing as hell to think about. Which is why I don't understand when people, ok mostly children type people, label the movie "sad".

It's positively life affirming. I felt good watching it. I remembered what it was like to be a kid for the first time in years. I'm not sure kids today will get anything close to this experience (well, sure, they're still kids but I'm pretty sure their experiences are different than mine were). Yeah, the creatures are great to look at. They're individual characters. They have their issues. They struggle with relationships, experience unrequited love, laugh, cry, and build things (only to destroy them). Yes, this is a movie that takes place within a child's mind but it's not something like Alice in Wonderland or The Neverending Story. The plot, if it can be called that, is simple. Boy feels ignored at home. Boy travels to where the wild things are. Boy and wild things learn some shit from each other, build giant fort. Boy misses family, says goodbye, goes home. That's the story. We got no villains, no major conflicts. Yeah, there are a few "fights", a few mildly tense moments, some laughs. The wild things act just like kids. Are kids. I don't know where I'm going with this one any more.

I think parents should probably try seeing this twice. Preferably, first without their children. I can imagine their enjoyment being influenced greatly by the enjoyment, or lack of enjoyment, of their kids. They see them stirring, complaining, becoming occupied with their cup holders, etc. It's not gonna happen for them. The picture did well it's first weekend ($32 Million), but I can already feel the negative word of mouth (mostly from parents and their kids) swirling.

I guess, to put it in simple terms, this is just a mood piece. Nostalgia is a part of that. The emotions from all the characters are real. The relationship between Max and his mother is genuine. I loved it, that's about all I can say. Did it make me sad. A little. Not for what was happening on screen. Everything on the screen filled me with happiness. Ah...hell....I may have cried a bit. There I said it. I had some tears at the beginning even and especially at the end, hell I think there were some during the middle parts. Simply because these characters were doing good to each other. The sadness I felt was more personal than that. I've lost my wild thing and I want it back. If only for a moment.

Terminator Salvation (2009)

oooops, I've been sitting on this review for almost a week. Meant to write it up and post it sunday or monday I think and then just forgot. It's been a week since I saw it and I'm still not sure what to make of it. I sorta liked it coming out of the theatre, was also frustrated by it. I liked it a little more the more I thought about it and, now, I may like it less, who knows? I'll try to separate my thoughts for you to understand.

There are several things I liked about this picture, but also some things I didn't. I've been dying to see a movie made of that future war we kept seeing in flash forwards from T1 and T2 but, unfortunately, this isn't really that movie. Instead of a future society of humans liviing in a junkyard, we have a future society of humans, with global communication links, living in a desert having access to fighter jets, helicopters, submarines, nukes I think, etc. Instead of a rag tag bunch of soldiers fighting off infiltrating terminators with whatever they can get their hands on, we've got a fairly well organized army that seems to be doing more than their share of damage to Skynet. So, anyway, not exactly the movie I wanted to see. Hopefully, we'll see that picture next time.

Terminator Salvation takes place in 2018, post "Judgement Day". The humans, at this point, are led by General Ashdown (Michael Ironside) whose hidden away in a submarine somewhere. Ashdown may be the official leader, but humanity looks to John Connor (Christian Bale) for their...uh...salvation. Meanwhile, JC looks to Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin) or his dead mother (Linda Halmilton) - via audiotapes. The humans have also uncovered a frequency that will disable the machines. All they have to do is set it off at Skynet central which I guess is located in a San Francisco remade to look like Blade Runner's L.A. Oh, meanwhile, there's some machine running around (Sam Worthington) thinking he's human. Connor, needs to find Reese (just a teenager, not yet a part of the resistance) before the machines. Also, I think the old T-800s fits in here somewhere.

I don't know, the more I think about it, the more I wish they had gone with a different story. I guess this is another one we can chalk up to the writer's strike. The picture follows Marcus (Worthington) around a lot and these scenes aren't bad. He ends up in L.A., encounters a teenaged Kyle Reese, and has no idea what those robot things trying to kill him are. All of this could have been great in a fish out of water sort of way if we didn't know Marcus' secret immediately. There's an awful prologue which shows Marcus on death row (2003) being asked by a dying Helena Bonham Carter to sign away his body for cancer research. A chance at a second chance is something like what she said. So, how else could Marcus go from death row in 2003 to post-apocalyptic L.A. in 2018. Also, he's first seen walking out of a terminator facility that Connor and his boys just destroyed (at the cost of everyone's life, but Connors). In a neat twist on the other films, Marcus (naked) removes the clothes from a dead resistance fighter. See, that's how we know he thinks he's human. A machine that knows what it is would have found a living human to beat the shit out of and throw on a stove top or something. Also, instead of going to the past, he went into the future. Except his mode of transportation was being excectuted by lethal injection and then having his body transformed into a terminator. Another neat twist.

The performances in this thing are pretty varied. Worthington I actually kinda liked. He had a small role in Rogue where he started out as a douchebag, then turned heroic, then got eaten. He made it work. In this, he seems like a good guy. He's kinda like Jason Bourne in a way. No real memory, amazing fighting ability, travels around trying to figure out who he is, etc. Worthington shows a good presence. Bale as Connor also shows a good presence but it's such a damned limited character. We don't really care about him. Also, no way does Edward Furlong grow up to look like this guy, I just ain't buying that. Anyway, the script really let's Bale down. He delivers all his lines in the same strained way, mostly yelling, frustrated, upset, etc. I wish the script had let him relax for a second, kiss his wife, smile. I know it's the apocalpyse and all but shit man, why so serious? Hopefully, in the next one, when he's a father, he'll lighten up a bit. The biggest surprise of the cast was Yelchin as Kyle Reese. I didn't think he was a great Chekov, but he really nailed this part. Lots of one armed shotgun cocking, "come with me if you want to live"s and so on. He even looked kinda like a young Reese should look. Everyone else wasn't really around long enough to give a crap about. I mean, Bryce Dallas Howard was beautiful as Connor's wife, although not sure why she'd show up at a certain battle scene nine months pregnant, but that's a nit pick. Moon Bloodgood resonated somewhat as Blair Williams, a resistance fighter. Rapper Common...didn't really resonate at all. Just kinda angry all the time. Bonham Carter wasn't as terrible as everyone says she was, although her last scene could have been extracted completely if the script had been better (it was like Spock's exposition scene with Kirk in the new Star Trek). Any picture with Michael Ironside is usually pretty good. Unfortunately, his appearences in this thing are limited. He's got one good moment and it's right before he's - spoiler - fucked.

I have to say, I was not a fan of MCG before TS. I almost walked out of Charlie's Angels. The action scenes in this thing are pretty great though. The first battle scene, Connor's first appearence, his attempted escape are all wonderfully realized. Marcus' first encounter with a terminator was a nice scene. The harvester scene was great except that it reminded me a little too much of Spielberg's War of the Worlds. Also, what does skynet want with old people and children? We've yet to see "old" terminators or "kid" terminators. That could be pretty fucked up. Hopefully, in the next one. The last scene in skynet is pretty decent and features the return of an old friend. Connor shows he can take a lot of punishment, almost too much if you ask me. Hmmmm....you don't suppose he could be a...?

Like, I said, my biggest issue with the picture is the story and the more I think of it, that's a pretty big issue. We spend many early scenes following this Marcus guy around but we don't really care. After all, he's a machine. Kyle doesn't know it, his little friend doesn't know it, but we do. Why not tighten up the script? Why not get rid of that first scene on death row? If we follow around this Marcus guy, watching him do good things, helping Connor's daddy, getting cozy with Blair Williams, etc...then when he's finally revealed to be a Terminator it will mean so much more. There's limited emotional power in this picture. Connor's too angry to care about. Marcus is too machine. That leaves Reese, but unfortunately, he spends the majority of the film locked up in a skynet jail. Make me care about Marcus and then reveal he's a machine and see if I still care is what I'm saying. I'll give them credit for making Marcus into a new type of terminator, one that thinks it's human, with a human heart, etc. I guess we're approaching Battlestar Galactica or even Blade Runner realms. I just wish his secret wasn't given away in the first scene and also in the trailer too. Whatever.

I don't know man, I liked it. I just didn't care as much as I wanted too. I liked the look of the film, the action scenes. The terminators were wonderful. Just coulda used some better characterizations is all, a tighter story. I like that everything barrels ahead, there's some good momentum and shit, but I'm not sure I really gave a shit where it was all headed. The ending also felt like a bit of a cop out to me. The original ending was - spoiler alert for a movie that can only be made if someone goes back in time to put things right - supposed to have Connor die and then have his skin grafted onto a reprogrammed terminator, you know, to keep hope alive. I like that ending much better, but I guess Bale probably didn't think too much of it. Overall, story-wise it's not much better, or worse, than Star Trek but the big difference is this one lacks the character work or a consistent desire to have fun. Well, Terminator Salvation, as it is, is not bad, it's not great. It's fine. It's better than the last one (which, minus the terrific ending was pretty bad), much worse than the first two. I could probably go on, but I've run out of ideas. Should have stopped while I was ahead or at least outlined a tighter review. There's some good material in here somewhere.

Star Trek (2009)

I had no intention of writing up this picture called Star Trek that came out last week. I mean, this write up is obsolete before I've even finished it. Almost as obsolete as the original series (or TOS as I guess most Trekkers or Trekkies or whatever they go by these days refer to it). I'm a fan of the original movies (TOM) and actually don't buy into the whole "the even movies are good and the odd ones are bad" philosophy. Well, to be honest, I remember almost nothing from Star Trek the motion picture (STMP). Most consider it pretty boring. I'll revisit it one of these days. I think Star Trek Wrath of Kahn (STWOK) is damned fine, likely the best of TOM. Star Trek The Search for Spock (STSFS) is underrated and includes a heart breaking scene where the crew stands on a precipice on a dying planet and watches the Enterprise disintegrate in the atmosphere. I may be in the minority here, but Star Trek the Voyage Home....(STVH) is not a great movie, in my opinion. The majority of that picture takes place in 1980s San Francisco. There are characters with mohawks and piercings. Spock learns some slang. Chekov gets subjected to primitive medicine. There are lots of jokes in that one. It felt like a rehash of Nicholas Meyer's Time after Time where H.G. Wells follows Jack the ripper into late 70s San Francisco to me, which is funny because Nicholas Meyer helped write the script for STVH but was overruled when he tried to change the location. Oh well, could have been good I guess. Then there's the fifth Star Trek called Star Trek and The Search for God which adheres to the even/odd rule for the most part by actually stinking. Except for the part where Bones/Spock/Kirk sing "row row row your boat", that part was good. Almost finally, is Star Trek and the Undiscovered Country which was pretty Hitchcockian with it's wrongfully accused scenario...and also like The Fugitive. Finally, there was Generations where Kirk gets sucked into an alternate universe via some sort of nebula thingamajig and then fights Malcolm McDowell with that bald captain guy and dies under a collapsed bridge. Anyway, as you can see I'm a fan of the Trek. Haven't seen the original series since I was a kid though. Used to watch the cartoon on Nickelodean, does that count? I guess not. Thanks anyway Trekkers, but I guess I will have to find another club.

The point I'm trying to make I guess is that this new picture is probably tailor made for me. I enjoyed the movies but don't look at the original series in biblical terms. Well, you know what? I think this movie is for Trekkers too, they just might not realize it yet. The story in this new Trek may not be as crisp as the story in Search for God, but it's pretty good. The screenplay has some rotten moments, but let's chalk that one up to the writer's strike. Also, chalk it up to the guys that wrote this also having wrote Transformers.

The gist of this picture is as follows. The U.S.S. Kelvin is somewhere in deep space when they encounter one of those strange type of electric anomaly type things, and also a cloud of sorts. Out of that anomaly comes a lovecraftian type ship, revealed a little later to be a Romulan mining ship from the future. The Kelvin is no match, the captain shuttles over and is killed by the Romulan commander Nero after making his first officer Captain. That first officer is none other than Kirk! Kirk issues the abandon ship order to the crew (and his in labor wife) while he mans the bridge solo. As soon as his wife is safely away, and gives birth to their son, he kamikazes into the Romulan ship. Wait, Kirk is dead? Nah, just kidding...that was Kirk's father, George or Joe or something. Kirk is the guy born on the fleeing shuttle. That would have been a ballsy opening to kill James Kirk in the opening scene. Anway, Kirk grows up in Iowa, is a rebellious kid, a rebellious teen, and then, a rebellious starfleet academian (where he is played by Chris Pine)...banging green chicks, cheating on tests, etc. At the academy, he meets best buddy Bones (Karl Urban) and, the beautitfully seductive Uhura (Zoe Saldana). Also, supreme goody-goody douchebag Spock (Zachary Quinto).

Here's the brilliant thing about this film. It's not a prequel despite what several reviews are implying. Prequels are the worst. I mean, they're a lose-lose proposition and this Kirk fellow doesn't believe in a no-win scenario so why the hell should we? With a prequel, you force yourself into a corner. Things can only end one way. That is fucking bullshit and cuts down on the suspense. In this film, things are set on a different course. This is an alternate history, like if the Germans had won WWII or if Joanie didn't marry Chachie or whatever. Time travel will do that I suppose. In the future (Old Star Trek timeline), the Romulan homeworld is threatened by a supernova. So, future Spock (Leonard Nimoy) brings along some good ol' Vulcan Red Matter to the rescue (like dark matter only red and less dark). His plan, to create a black hole which will eat the supernova and save the planet. Unfortunately, he made a wrong turn at the regis Nebula and Romulus was destroyed. A Romulan mining ship, watched helplessly as Spock unleashed the matter, too late...the black hole opened, Spock went in, the Romulans followed....and entered the past. Coincidentally (and there are a lot of these I guess) the Romulans arrive first just as the Kelvin is entering the vicinity. Spock comes 25 years later (good for him or else he'd be really really old, possibly senile during the events of this film)...black holes are weird like that. So, yeah, in this history, James Kirk never knows his father, his training is hastened due to the Romulan threat, and...oh...Spock (spoiler that might upset you) is banging Uhura (which according to one of my Trekker friends, doesn't really jive with Vulcan mating practices, so there you go).

All I'm saying is you Trekkers need to try watching this thing with a different pair of nerd glasses and you might actually enjoy it. Here's why. The characters. They're all spot on. Pine, Urban, Saldana, Quinto all inhabit the characters without actually mimic-ing the actors who originally played them. Urban as Bones, in particular, is great. I mean, he's the same Bones...only much younger. A hypochondriac who happens to be a brilliant doctor. Naturally funny. I've liked Urban for a long time but never imagined he could pull this off. Pine is great as Kirk. I stopped thinking of Shatner immediately, except for a little bit during his last scene on the bridge. He's cocky, brash, at times a drunken baffoon, charismatic, funny. It's pretty much a star making performance is what I'm saying...of course, he'll probably be stuck playing this role for the next 10-15 years which I'm fine with. Why branch out? Other characters show up, some more than others; Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, Captain Pike, and I guess lots of people were complaining about Tyler Perry but I wasn't even sure who the fuck he was, so no big deal I think. The least successful characters were Chekov and Scotty in my opinion. Not real characters, just comic relief. I love Simon Pegg but give him more to do than be flushed through the ship's sewage system is my beef with his character. I'm cool with the side kick though, can always use more loveable star wars-type aliens in our Star Trek pictures.

So, I'm hoping you can tell I enjoyed the hell out of this thing, but I had a couple issues I have to deal with. Bruce Greenwood was terrific as Captain Pike (the guy is always terrific) but what the hell happened to him after he was captured by Nero and force fed that brain slug? Did he give up the planet defense codes? What about an interrogation scene, I mean really. He's force fed the slug and then is forgot about for an hour until Kirk (spoiler) rescues him. Apparently, the brain slug ate the part of his brain that controls his walking? Also, an interrogation scene would have been a great opportunity to beef up the parts of Pike and Nero. Nero is a pretty mis guided villain. He's not entirely evil. Just stupid and blinded by vengeance. Clearly Spock didn't destroy his homeworld...so what's with the revenge, guy? I like Eric Bana a ton (still think he made a great character out of a nothing part in Black Hawk Down and I will go to the grave as an Ang Lee Hulk fan) but this was a sorely underwritten role. His motivation is weak. All he does is sit on his ship and look angry and sometimes yell stuff or stab starfleet captains and other shit. He's not interesting like the villain in Kahn or even Spock's brother in Search for God.

Also, I was a little annoyed by the whole marooning Kirk (by Spock for insubordination) on that ice world where he meets up with future Spock (also marooned on ice planet, by Romulans, who stole his red matter and plan to use it as a WMD on federation planets). Spock exposits a bunch of bullshit to fill in the gaps left by the, let's face it...bare bones, script. I think it would have been an interesting decision to leave Kirk on that world for years, plotting revenge against that bastard Spock, maybe team up with Future Spock or something. Bring him back in the next picture as a villain. That would have been interesting. Interesting, but maybe too weird. Anyway, They meet up with Scotty on Hoth at an isolated outpost after fleeing from a ridiculous creature that gets eaten by an even more ridiculous creature (nod to Jurassic Park?). So, a couple of coincidences on this planet. One or two in a picture is doable, but this thing has a few more...and the magic of the filmmaking is I could care less. Later, Spock decides to take things into his own hands and gives Scotty the calculations for beaming oneself (or three selfs) onto a starship traveling at warp speed, probably light years away. Calculations, that Scotty, himself, would come up with years later. I think another way that history maybe changed is that Scotty becomes lazy and just waits for Spock to do everything for him.

Fuck man, a few minor quibbles does not make a bad picture. We're seeing the birth of a, potentially great, new series. They don't have to boldly go where the old crew has already gone before. No need to encounter tribbles in this universe, or Kahn, or that conscious energy cloud, etc. They can do what they want, when they want...as long as they follow federation protocol of course. J.J. Abrams is the guy that directed this and he did a pretty good job. Lot of internet bloggers complaining about camera flares (don't care), continuity (what continuity??), shaky cam fights, E.T. like creatures, and so on. None of that shit bothered me. The space battles were pretty good. The music was great (and new until the end), but what makes this a Star Trek movie, for me anyway, is the dynamic between the characters, especially Spock, Kirk, and Bones. Here's where it all begins. Again. Only different. Who cares if Spock spends 90% of the movie as a complete douchebag. Eventually, he comes around. The stage is set Abrams. Don't fuck it up. Also, tighten up that script a little next time. Thanks for reading.

***
Here's a brief followup: Just re-read my write up and realized I barely talked about the Enterprise, you know, the ship they fly around in. Hmmm...is this a criticism of me or the movie? The Enterprise was there alright and it looked pretty good. I mean, they flew it around space at all sorts of warp speeds and shit, but I guess it wasn't as prominent as it was in TOM or TOS. I mean, Kirk isn't even (spoiler) made captain until near the end. Hell, Spock gets to play captain before he does. Hopefully, next time around it will be more in the forefront, more of a character. If they self destructed this one with a few Klingons onboard I'm not sure I'd feel as sad as I did in STSFS. Maybe next time. Thanks again for reading.

Return to the Grindhouse: Don't Go In The House and Blood Freak!

It was a Friday night and I had shit for plans. So, I couldn't think of a better thing to do than head over to the Brattle theater in Harvard Square to catch a double feature as part of their "Return to the Grindhouse" series. All I knew about the two movies playing were that one is basically Psycho with a flamethrower and the other involves drug abuse and a guy with a turkey head. I could check these out for a measly ten bucks or stay home and watch something equally shitty with a bottle of $18 Jim Beam. My choice. Holy fucking shit, you're never going to top this at the local AMC or Regal.

Unfortunately, I was working the next day near the ass crack of dawn so my imbibing would have to be kept to a minimum. I only had time for a quick pint at Charlies before heading to the show. I expected the theater to be either completely packed or completely empty. It seemed a little over half full which, as it turned out, was probably the perfect amount. After sitting in my seat I wondered if my lack of alchohol was a mistake. As it turns out, I didn't really need anymore. This was as much fun as I've had going out to the movies in a long time. I feel like this should be a regular thing, if not at the Brattle, then somewhere! Oh wait, it is a regular thing. Only it's usually just me. In a little apartment. With a bottle of jim, a bottle of gordons, or a few beers. Oh, and my friend Dan is often there. Unfortunately, for us anyway, these pictures are much more fun with a crowd. After a quick introduction, the first movie began. Sans trailers. The only, albeit minor, disappointment of the night.



Don't Go In the House (1980):

I didn't think there was any possible way to improve on Hitchcock's Psycho until I saw this picture. Basically, all you need is a flamethrower. That's it. Dan Grimaldi (Patsy Parisi from "The Sopranos") plays Donny, the awkward type of son a mother couldn't help but love even as she's holding his hands over a flame to "get the evil out". He's essentially a good kid; still lives at home, makes honest wages at the fire factory, and mommy doesn't have to worry about some harlot stealing her son away since this kid has no idea how to talk to women. He's a true momma's boy. Until, one day, Donny comes home from his job at the fire factory to find momma's a corpse in a rocking chair. Finally, he can play his disco as loud as he wants.

Donny's a strange one alright. He's reprimanded at work after a prank goes awry and a coworker catches on fire. I thought it was a pretty funny prank (the ol' flammable spray can in the incinerator gag) but his supervisor didn't agree. Donny, inexplicably, has a friend at work named Bobby. Inexplicable because this guy, Donny, is not really the kinda guy other guys befriend. Especially not a cool customer like Bobby. Bobby is a typical blue collar guy; fun loving, cheating, alcoholic, and into disco. For some reason, he likes Donny and sticks up for him at work. He even covers for him when he doesn't show up for a week or so. Their relationship is a bit on the homoerotic side when Donny says they should "spend a quiet evening together." This would be enough to put most men off, but Bobby insists he come out to the club so they can try to bang these two chicks. Donny acquiesces, but maybe that was a mistake, since he ended up setting his date on fire. I know what it's like man. I'm not good at the whole dating scene either.

Anyway, with his evil mother out of the way, Donny is finally free to bring home girls. Unfortunately, they all remind him of her, so these "dates" don't really end well either. Oh, did I say "dates"? I meant to say abductions. The first one involves the flower girl who misses her bus. There's kind ol' Donny with an offer of a ride, a quick detour to his home, and an introduction to his rotting mother. The first scene is one of the few effective scares of the picture as the recently knocked unconscious girl, now naked of course, comes to in a fire proof room. Locked up to chains on the floor and the ceiling. Let's just say the beautiful red head gives new meaning to the term "fire bush".

This was a fun one. The house was a terrific set, especially the room of charred corpses dressed in mother's sunday's best. Donny is in the Anthony Perkins mode of serial killer, albeit a little more pushy. He's not a very patient guy and his methods of getting girls into his truck become increasingly ridiculous. One girl, in a grocery store, resists his advances almost to the point of crying out rape. The clerk intervenes and Donny tells him everything is fine and that he's just going to go out and apologize. Cut to girls charred corpse. That Donny, hell of a guy.

Ok, so the guy is more than a little nuts. But he's got a flamethrower, so I'm giving him a pass. Still, I wouldn't let him date my sister or anything. I'm missing several plot points on this thing, but I do remember that it takes place in Jersey, which can be pretty fucking scary as well. If you're a Hitchock fan this one can probably tide you over until his next picture. Joe Ellison (he directed one other title, called Joey) probably won't blow you away with his directing skills. He's from the "ok, flamethrow the shit out of that dummy", point and shoot school of directing". It's a good school. He also did a great job with the soundtrack from this one. Some terrific disco hits such as "I'm on fire", "Your love is flamin'", and "disco inferno". I'm just kidding, couldn't remember the songs, nor could I find a listing online (I didn't really look, sorry). The songs were good though, 'cept this is 1980 (date of release). Someone should have told Ellison disco is dying. Or, he should have waited a year to start filming. This one's a part of the whole "don't-sploitation" sub genre which features such titles as Don't go in the Woods, Don't go in the Basement, etc. I'm surprised some joker didn't yell "don't watch this movie" at the screen. He'd be wrong.

Blood Freak (1972) :

We had about a half hour between movies and I strongly considered running out to the liquor store so I could smuggle in a half pint of Jim for the follow up. Since I rarely go out to Harvard square, I figured finding a liquor store wouldn't be the easiest thing in the world to do, so I just sat there in my seat thinking about it. Hell, I used the time to peruse the theatre and see who else was there. You know what? There were actually fucking real life girls there. Holy shit, man. Finally some hope. I was sitting next to Dan, we left the seat open between us as a sort of buffer zone, when some girl looked back and engaged us in conversation; "what did you think of the movie", "etc", "etc". Ok, so she looked at him first, but I swear she made eye contact with me. Dan is convinced she engaged only him whereas I'm convinced she used him to get to me. Regardless, that was the last interaction we had with the girl the rest of the night. Oh well, the beat goes on.

As soon as Blood Freak ended I pretty much had no clue what I'd just seen but, I knew that I loved every fucking minute of it. First of all, this was one of the most inept pictures I have ever sat through and I've sat through quite a bunch. I just recently watched something called Oasis of the Zombies which featured a never ending flashback scene. The characters in that thing were so uninvolving that I couldn't even tell when the flashback began or ended. I had to piece it together after the fact. Well, this movie, Blood Freak, is much worse than that. The opening credits, I guess I'll stop there. Some guy, a cross between Russell Crowe and Elvis, is riding the most effeminite motorcycle I've ever seen (cross between a harley and a schwinn. A girl's schwinn). I'm guessing he must be Steve Hawkes since his credit shows up twice. Back to fucking back. He pulls over to help a stranded motorist, apparently. Again, I figured this one out after the fact. Then they drive up to a toll booth and we watch them sit there for a few minutes. Exciting stuff.

Steve Hawkes plays Herschell (which can only be a tribue to Herschell Lewis), a Vietnam vet living the straight life. Until he meets two sisters, whose names escape me (and imdb doesn't list them). One, sister A is a bible thumping jesus freak so it only makes sense that she would take Herschell to a party thrown by her sister, sister B, a not so good girl with a great ass. Anyway, Herschell falls in with sister B and her crowd, get's addicted to marijuana (after one toke!), get's a job at her father's turkey farm, and is recruited by a couple of mad scientists to test their experimental turkey serum or whatever. You shouldn't mix any kind of turkey serum with a drug as evil as marijuana. Herschell learns this lesson the hard way after passing out, being disposed of by the two mad scientists (in a couple of terrific performances by so-and-so and what's-his-name?). He wakes up later with a turkey head (see above) and a craving for the blood of female drug addicts. That's the story. Bask in the brilliantly conceived morality tale of co-directors Brad Grinter and Steven Hawkes (he's multi-talented).

If I was one for clever word play I'd probably come up with something like this one's a turkey. But, thankfully, I'm not. Also, that's pretty fucking lame. This is a picture that would make Ed Wood proud. I went to this double feature determined to get some unironic enjoyment out of these things, but I just couldn't help myself. I don't think I laughed this hard at Judd Apatow's latest picture (can't even remember what it was at the moment). Some scenes appear to have been placed in an order that doesn't make sense. One scene involves a voice over while others are talking and we can't hear what they're saying. I had no idea who the fuck was delivering the narration or if it was dialogue that was supposed to have gone with a different scene. Steve Hawkes as a turkey man is a wonder to behold. Every so often, the filmmakers would dub in the sounds of a turkey going "gobble gobble". He stalked his prey as if he were a zombie (I think he just couldn't see where he was going in the mask). The camera cuts back and forth, from Herschell to his prey, over and over....even as his intended victim has been screaming for the last five minutes or so. Plenty of throat slittings, one table saw amputation, and even a naked ass shot. The ass comes after the most poorly shot sex scene of all time (I haven't seen every sex scene, but I'm standing by this statement).

There really is no reason to recommend this thing except that, somehow, despite everything that's wrong with it (pretty much everything) I had a blast watching it. As soon as I find the DVD (it appears to be out of print) I'll be adding it to my collection. These guys somehow, against all odds (no talent or money) actually made a fucking picture. There's hope for us all.

That was pretty much the night. If I didn't have to work the next morning I would have stayed for the 11:30 showing of a nun-sploitation classic called Sex Demons. Instead, Dan and I headed back into Boston and went to Foleys for a quick drink (that quick drink soon turned into five) and wooed some women with our tales of flame throwed broads and also can a guy with a turkey head still perform decent cunilingus. Just kidding about the women part. They didn't come anywhere near us.

George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead (2008)

Well, George finally did it. He killed the zombie movie. Where do I want to be when the end begins? As fucking far away from the fucking pricks that occupy this picture as possible. The "living dead" genre has always been one of my favorites. Starting with Romero's own masterpiece Night of the Living Dead and continuing through his underrated Land of the Dead. I love the original Dawn of the Dead as well as the remake. I've got a major hard on for Fulci's unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead called Zombi 2, a film that features the first ever zombie versus shark battle. Perhaps the genre should have died with Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright's lovingly hilarious send up Shaun of the Dead.



Romero can't help but instill a little social commentary into his "dead" films. In his latest, Diary of the Dead, he takes on the government controlled media as seen through the eyes of the myspace generation. Let it be known that this is NOT a sequel to his original series. This is a reboot of the franchise to present day. The premise is simple. Several college friends are in the Pennsylvanian woods filming a mummy movie when the zombie outbreak begins. The director, Jason Creed (played by Joshua Close) decides to keep filming. He and his crew travel through Pennsylvania with separate agendas. Creed want's to document the events for his new film "the death of death" also known as "the death of dead movies". His crew, including Jason's soon to be ex-girlfriend Debra (Michelle Morgan) just want to get home to their families. It's a clever premise to be sure. Unfortunately, the recent Cloverfield used a similar gimmick to a much more horrifying effect. Sure, the idea for Diary was conceived well before Cloverfield. For that, I suppose we can give Romero some credit. Unfortunately, and it truly pains me to say this, the execution of this thing is abysmal.

Before I get into what doesn't work, I'll mention the things I liked about the picture. The deaf scythe wielding Amish guy. After hurling some dynamite at a few lumbering dead, he provides the film's best moment when, without missing a beat, he etches on a hand held chalkboard: "hello, my name is Samuel." Romero also takes a dig at the recent trend toward fast zombies by having the director chide his mummy actor for running after a victim telling him that "corpses don't run because if they did their ankles would break. dumbass." Ok, that's what I liked.

What didn't I like? First of all, the narration by Debra NEEDS to go. I cringed everytime it appeared, not because it was terrible (although it often was), but because it was completely uneccesary. She actually tells us that she went back and added "music to scare you". George should know better. Normally, voice overs tend to ruin poignant or tense moments. Thankfully, this picture didn't have any of those. I don't want to disparage the actors too much because I'm not sure if they were awful or if it was just the characters as written. Jason Creed was a douchebag. After running over a few zombies on a country road, Mary (the winnebago driver) is asked by Jason "how did that make you feel?" I'm guessing not so good since she was blowing out her own brains in the very next scene. Creed is the Uwe Boll of documentary filmmaking. He's an ego-driven maniac that would sacrifice his actors, his friends, his GIRLFRIEND for the perfect shot. Contrast him with the cameraman from Cloverfield, Hud. Hud was a good guy. Personable, funny, and terrified of the events surrounding him. His humor was more of a fear mechanism, so it didn't really feel too contrived. He kept the camera rolling, but he didn't keep it glued to his eyes at all times. When he ran, the camera would drop to his side. If a friend was in peril he would do everything in his power to save them, even if it meant leaving the camera behind (thankfully, it never came to that). Like I said, Jason of Diary is just a douche. The camera never leaves his eye. In an abandoned, zombie infested hospital, he let's his friends go on without him because he needs to stay behind to charge his camera. Whereas Hud was immersed within the action of the film, Jason attempts to distance himself. He tries to direct events that are beyond his, or anyone's, control. It was an appallingly poor decision by Romero to center the film around this asshole.

The rest of the cast didn't fare much better. The actors were all playing a type rather than an actual character. These included the drunken professor, the ditzy blonde, the jesus freak, the deaf amish guy, and the rich prick. It's hard to suspend your disbelief and be taken in by a movie like this when not one of the characters hits a believable note at any point during the film. Hell, even the cameos were wasted. Apparently, Romero got Stephen King and Simon Pegg to read some newscasts, but I didn't notice (and I knew about it going in). The best cameo of the picture was a one minute scene with the guy from the Dawn of the Dead remake that had his legs broken and was dragged through the sewars as he shot back at the pursuing zombies. In Diary he had a couple of unmemorable lines while sitting on the back of a truck. Good stuff.

This should never have received a theatrical release. It's barely good enough to qualify as a sci-fi original (I would, however, hesitate before labeling this piece of shit "the most dangerous night of TV"). There were a few good kills (bottle of acid to the head, scythe through two heads at once, shotgun blast to the head of a zombie woman hanging by her hair), but they were all marred by miserable CGI. Romero needs to hook up with Tom Savini again, because if this is where we're heading with our zombie effects than all I can say is No-Fucking-Thanks.

The biggest offense of Romero's latest is that it bored me. I checked the time twice during this thing. I was constantly shifting in my seat. If you ever see me watching a movie with my hand on the side of my head, that's a sure sign that the movie sucks. It's my tell. The people behind me were obnoxiously loud and, you know what? I didn't even mind. I strained to hear what they were saying because it was far more interesting than what was on the screen.

I guess this is Romero's return to guerrilla filmmaking. He shot it with minimal budget, no cast, and a really shitty script. I wanted to say "no script", but I think it would have been better without one. Maybe the characters would have seemed human, the interactions real if they had been allowed to ad lib just a little. Word on the street is that Romero's already working on a sequel to this one called Diary of the Dead 2: You Guys Will See Anything As Long As My Name Is Attached To It, Won't You? Stupid Shits. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Cha Ching Cha Ching!

Of course I'm kidding about the last line. I don't for a second believe that Romero is motivated by money. I think, in the wake of Katrina and Iraq, the intent here was to rip the government's response to disasters, whether natural or man-made. He wanted to tear into the selective reporting of various media outlets. Unfortunately for Romero, for a film's message to resonate, the film, itself, has to be something you can tolerate sitting through. I barely made it through Diary of the Dead.

I dearly love George Romero pictures, which is why it pains me to say I loathed this one. He's the man behind several of my favorite films; Creepshow, the Dead quadrilogy, and the Crazies. I even love Monkey Shines. I just think he needs to step away from the zombies for a while. As soon as I'm finished sitting through the soon to be released, direct to video, remake of Day of the Dead I'm going to take an extended hiatus from the genre. It saddens me that Romero may have ruined it for me. I always assumed I'd be blaming Michael Bay for that.

In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2008)

And you guys thought Uwe Boll sucked. Here we have the picture with the longest title in his filmography that I will simply call Dungeon Siege from this point on. The last time I mentioned Boll, I nearly had my head torn asunder simply for saying "he is not the worst filmmaker in the world." Finally, I actually have HARD evidence!

Dungeon Siege! Or, In The Name Of The Return Of The King. Let's go with King for short. Since this is a Uwe Boll film, we know the source is a video game. In this case, it's one I'm not sure I'm familiar with. In the land of Eph, forces of evil are gathering their armies to march on the forces of good, led by King Burt Reynolds. Within the realm lies a quaint little farmhouse. It's here where the story gains its focus. In the farmhouse lives a man named Farmer (Jason Statham) who, we learn, also IS a farmer. This is not just some crazy coincidence for Farmer tells us "I believe a man should be named for what he is" or perhaps that was just Norick (Ron Perlman) putting words in his mouth again. Farmer lives on a tiny beet farm with his lovely wife Solona (Claire Forlani) and inquisitive young son Zeph (Colin Ford). Applying Farmer's philosophy to their names, we can only assume that Solona means "money pit", while Zeph is another word for "sword implanted in face". I'm just kidding about the "money pit" line. Solona is actually a good wife, who pulls her own weight by taking their wares into town to hock at the market. It's a beautiful set up where All is right within the kingdom of Eph.

EXCEPT at the castle, the surrounding vista of which is established in a shot stolen, I mean borrowed, from the Return of the King vault, where an evilish wizard named Galleon, played with immeasurable wackiness by Ray Liotta, has snuck into the bed chambers of the princess Muriella (Leelee Sobieski) for a late night screw. The head of the castle, some might refer to him as the King, is regally played by the one, the only Burt Reynolds. His heir is the wicked Duke Fallon (Matthew Lillard) who uses words such as "bequeeth" and "behoove" and "bestill" and never met flying spittle he didn't like. It's an extraordinary performance. These opening scenes, the "big picture" scenes as I refer to them (because they deal with the important people in Eph, the royalty) also introduce us to a good wizard named Gimli (after apparently having the fat sucked out of him) played by John Rhys-Davies (Sliders).

Back to the little picture, Farmer's wife and son have reached the village with their turnips. A band of krugs attack. You may be wondering what a krug is? Remember the Uruk-hai? Not really the same thing. The krug's are just a bunch of dudes wearing rubber masks. Boll wisely never holds a shot on their face for long. See, he's getting better. Anyway, they attack and kill most of the village.

Farmer and his sidekick Norick run into town and kill as many as they can. Boll has obviously improved on his action scenes as well. Instead of slow-motion matrixy riffs, he just let's Statham do his kung-fu thing while circling the camera around him really fast. I felt a little ill, but I chalked that up to being hungover. Victory is achieved by Farmer and his allies, but at a tremendous cost. In an homage to Jason Vorhees, poor Zeph lives up to his name ("sword implanted in face") after seemingly sprinting across the entire country while an evil krug (mind controlled by the dastardly Galleon) mosies along after him. Solona was captured and if the krug are as evil as they seem, likely raped, tortured, murdered, and impaled upon a stake. Farmer and his brother in law, in a touchingly whimsical scene, bury Zeph. The slapstick ensues as they race to see whose side is filled in first. The audience loved this part because they laughed and laughter is good. Then, Farmer, his brother in law Bastion (played by a different Will Sanderson then the one from Blade Runner), and Norick enter the haunted Cedric Forest, where they encounter Ents and the like, in hopes of rescuing Solana.

At this point, the excitement was too much and I had to go empty my bladder. When I came back, someone was in my seat, so I took one in the back.

Apparently, I missed a whole hell of a lot! Farmer, looking much different, is now in 1898 Texas, digging in some mineshaft. He strikes oil, by accident and, before we know what's happening, has his own company and later, after a tragic accident, another son. What the fuck is going on here? When did Boll get so arty? Fifteen minutes passed without a single word of dialogue. Apparently, Farmer entered some time vortex in Cedric Forest and Norick and Bastian were both likely Krug-ified. Farmer even changed his name to Plainview, I guess because he now speaks plainly. Most likely, it's because the only thing he can see are vast empty plains.

Something happened to the score as well. It went from being heavy handed and, to put it kindly, laughable to being tense, brilliant, and scary. Boll usually does his own scores and I can say with great confidence that this one is Oscar worthy.

Years pass and eventually Plainview, having renamed himself Driller, and his son go to Little Boston, California on a hot oil tip. The community of Little Boston grows under his watch, but not without a conflict between Driller and the preacher, Eli. I was a little confused because Eli's brother Paul was the one that gave Driller the "tip" and they were played by the same person. There was a hint of recognition in Driller when he first meets Eli, but the issue is quickly dropped. Until Eli, in one of his frequent fits of rage, wails on his father for allowing Paul to bring this stanger, this oil driller named Driller, to their town. At this point, I realized they weren't the same character. Or, if this was all taking place in Driller's mind, does it really matter?

Statham is unrecognizable at this point as Driller. He also gives, by far, his best kung fu-less performance. His character hates everyone, most of all himself. He embraces H.W. at first, clearly as a means of promoting his business, but also as a replacement for Zeph. Unfortunately, that's something H.W. can never live up to, especially after an accident leaves him deaf and all Driller can think to do is send him away. This is not the same turnip farmer we knew and loved earlier in the film, pre time-vortex. Eventually, a man comes to Little Boston claiming to be Driller's brother named Henry. How Driller, a man who has been in this Universe all of ten years, could have a brother is beyond me, but he falls for it. The end of their relationship is hauntingly tragic and sends Driller into a spiral he will never fully recover from.

The central conflict is between Driller and Eli, the preacher. Eli needs money for his church and basically extorts it from Driller. Driller beats Eli to a pulp. Eli humiliates Driller in front of his congregation. The war wages on and on for many ageless years. What's in that Little Boston water, anyway?

How the fuck did Boll accomplish this? It's Citizen Cane by way of Stanley Kubrick. Driller, driven to madness by wealth, drink, and the memory of the family he left behind in the magical kingdom of Eph sits in his vast mansion, surrounded by "yes" men. He rejects his son, whom he now looks at as a competitor, for one last time. Eli stops by to visit and the audience is treated to a scene no one knew Boll had in him, a brilliant, humorously dark take on the Cane mythos, a scene which ends with Driller saying "I'm finished". And then the audience laughed. Again.

I theorize that the events of the latter part of the film took place in Farmer's head. After finding his wife dead somewhere in Cedric forest, he retreated into his own mind where he spent his remaining days trying to live the good life. In this case, he failed miserably.

Boll might win an Oscar. Keep it up Uwe.

30 Days of Night (2007)

I wasn't going to write this One up until I read Owen Gleiberman's revieW in the October 26 issuE of Entertainment Weekly. GleibermaN gives 30 Days OF Night a D rating and refers to It as a "soporific splatterfest" without realizing the oxmoronic quality of his phrasing. His scathing treatiSe continues as he sarastically derides the picture's basic premise As a "fright film that takes place entirely at night (what a revolutionary new concept!)" In this instance, his attack works, but ONLY if the film took place over the course of one regular night. It's right in the fucking title Mr. Gleiberman. 30 DAYS. A month of night. I'm pretty sure THAT's never been Done before. I guess Pitch Black cOmes pretty close to conveying an extended nightime, but I'm also pretty sUre Vin Diesel and Company were only on that rock for a day or two. Gleiberman calls Danny Huston's character, Marlow, a "tall, brooding, and rather natty scowler who bears a disquieting resemblance to Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys". This isn't really true, but Gleiberman gets away with his "witty" little line because very few people even know what Neil Tennat looks like. The line that, for me, proved Gleiberman was having a bad day, when He wrote the review, was when he talks about Hartnett's character, Sheriff Eben Oleson. He actually says very little about Hartnett other than "he looks (like he's) about to cry", as if a malE character, the supposed tough guy, showing vulnerability is a contributing factor to a flawed picture. It's actually kind of refreshing. Look, Hartnett is far from a great actor, but he was more than proficient in this one. Did Gleiberman expect him to be like Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal? I might be wrong, but I think if you put any bad ass motherfucker in Oleson's situation there's an excellent chance he'd break down and cry like a little girl. Of course we are all entitled to our opinions and Mr. Gleiberman is certainly entitled to his. Unfortunately, far too many critics these days appear to choose an angle before seeing a picture, and then run with it. This movie is really critic proof, however, but it should still be reviewed on its own merits. Roger Ebert, of the Chicago Sun Times, wrote a perfectly fine, humorous review where he gave it two and a half stars (out of four) because it is "well made, well photographed, and plausibly acted and is better than it needs to be." Ebert, probably my favorite critic after the incomporable Vern, understands it's a genre film and reviewed it as such. I'm not sure Gleiberman understood that.

Of course none of that matters. What really matters is, what did I think? It's probably the best vampire picture since Blade 2. That's a pretty big fucking compliment actually because Blade 2 is pretty much a masterpiece and the ONLY film from that series I can watch more than once. David Slade (Hard Candy) did a more than competent job behind the camera, but the thing that really blew me away was the atmosphere, the sense of isolation and impending doom. Obviously, the first movie that might spring to mind is The Thing because of the arctic setting. It's the day of the first night before the annual month long darkness in the town of Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost town in the United States. Barrow is cut off from civilization by over 300 miles of wilderness and the only way in or out of town is the airport. So, when a mysterious stranger (Ben Foster), with receding gums and gristly stained teeth, wanders into town and demands some raw hamburger at the local diner one might think there would be some more questions asked. The stranger eventually ends up in a jail cell watched over by Sheriff Oleson (Josh Harnett) and forecasts a long fucking night ahead of everyone. It's not until all the cell phones are burned (I'm not sure how THEY managed to steal them all), the sleigh dogs are slaughtered, and the power is cut off that Oleson and friends start to think that maybe, just maybe, he might be right.

Exactly WHAT is coming, is not shown for a little while. Sure, we see silhouetes in the distance and hear sudden whooshes during an attack. These vampires are lightning quick and work their magic by grabbing a victim and pulling him or her into the darkness. Later, we learn that they are actually a society of vamps who have come thousands of miles to feed on Barrow, a town cloaked in 30 days of darkness. I guess I did have a question though. I mean, it's a great idea in theory, but Barrow can't have more than a population of 100 (especially after several of the townsfolk head south), ok, I think the sign indicated there were 121. Well, at least 75% are killed the first night. So, that's 29 more days of night to go with no more than 25 people left to feed on and the problem now become an issue of finding these people who, led by Hartnett and his pretty ex-wife Stella (Melissa George) have found a pretty decent hiding place in a hidden attic. I don't know, if Barrow had like a thousand people it would probably be a sound idea. The first night was like an all you can eat buffet at Old Country. The next 29 were more akin to dinner at one of those fancy french bistros i've heard about where snooty waiters dish out portions fit for a cabbage patch kid. Certainly wouldn't be my first choice. And, on top of the food supply running out, did I mention that this picture takes place in the northernmost town in the country? It's fucking cold. I guess that might not bother you too much if you're one of the undead and your blood's already cold. As Ben Foster's stranger tells us, "that ain't the cold coming, that's death."

Still, that minor plot hole aside, this is a pretty kick ass movie with some stunning photography. There were some snow squall images which were simply beautiful. The town of Barrow itself was a pretty amazing set, and we are even treated to a fantastic image of the first nightime massacre from above the town, as the camera slowly pans down mainstreet, as if mounted to a helicopter. I'll allow that this shot was most likely CGI, but it certainly didn't point itself out as such. The acting across the board was impressive, at least for this type of picture. No, no one's going to win an oscar, but they were all clearly comfortable and having fun in their roles. Special notice goes to Danny Huston (Children of Men) as the vampire leader Marlow, an actor who has played one of the most iconic villains of the last ten years in the unfortunately underseen film, The Proposition. Huston seems to relish the role and it's encouraging to see such a fine actor "slum" it every once in a while. The vampires speak in a strange gutteral language that sounds like a bunch of "click click derks", but adds to the overall creepiness. They do a lot of screeching and walk around with blood beards as they're clearly not into washing up after dinner. I think I saw Marilyn Manson as one of the vampires, but I'm not sure. Also effective, was Ben Foster, who I'm glad to see doesn't think too highly of himself to take what others might consider a throw away role and really turn it into something worth talking about. He kind of reminds me of a young Sean Penn, although, in this one, he looked like a very old, homeless Sean Penn.

The film is full of gory images and I loved how nothing came easy. By that, I mean, it usually took 3 or 4 good whacks with an axe before a head finally came off. Speaking of The Thing, there is one decapitation scene that reminded me of Rob Bottin's excellent work in that, where the head, after several good swings, was sort of hanging on by a few threads, probably the most disgusting scene. Watching this movie with an audience was pretty disturbing at times. I didn't really need to hear the rousing applause for the child decapitation scene, that was pretty much a firm crossing of the line. You guys are sick fucks.

This really is a terrific GENRE film. It's a perfect halloween movie. From what I've heard the ending here isn't quite as bleak as the ending of the graphic novel. Well, I wouldn't say we're actually treated to a happy ending, pretty much everyone that stayed behind in the town dies, including the aforementioned child. The film really accomplishes everything it set out to. I don't think I've seen vampires in the arctic before, so that was something new. It's an idea for a picture I wish I had thought of. The film has terrific atmosphere, plenty of the spraying red stuff, a few moments of humor, and a roving band of zombie-esque vampires. Between this and I Am Legend in December, I might be vampired out come January. But, I wouldn't count on it. Still, I both lament and rue the fact that Slade didn't find it necessary to show us Stella's, what must be freezing rock hard, nipples. Spoiler alert! She made it till dawn, so maybe in the sequel. End spoiler.

Halloween (2007)

Sunshine (2007)

This post is an anomaly. I can assure you it will never happen again. This is NOT a bad movie in any way shape or form. This post will also be extremely brief (at least compared to my other posts). I have almost zero interest in reviewing current theatrical releases. My reviews often contain spoilers, but I justify that by telling myself you guys will a) never see the movie, or b) the movie is sooo fucking bad that you won't give a fuck even if you do see it. This review contains NO spoilers. I'm not like that asshole that ruined Harry Potter 7 for millions of poor bastards. Feel free to read on.

I had the pleasure of catching a free preview of Sunshine at the Boston Commons theatre tonight, wednesday July the 18th. Let me just say that I was blown away. During a summer of mindless, sometimes awful trash (If you've been to this blog before, you know that I often love mindless trash even when it's awful) it's refreshing to see a film that knows what it's doing. This is a film with some powerful ideas, distinct characterizations, and mind blowingly fucking awesome effects.

The premise is fairly ridiculous (In the, not too distant, future the sun is burning out. The earth is entering an ice age and in a last ditch effort to save mankind a crew boards the Icarus II with a nuclear bomb the size of manhattan attached in the hopes of reigniting the sun), but is told with such conviction by director Danny Boyle and, frequent collaborator, screenwriter Alex Garland that I was able to buy into it completely.

Chris Evans (Johnny Storm from Fantastic Four) was an absolute revelation as Mace the ship's engineer. If there's any justice he would receive a best supporting actor nomination next year. Of course, we know there is NO justice and this movie will be largely overlooked. Hiroyuki Sanada (Twilight Samurai) as Captain Kaneda was another favorite character of mine. He brought a stoic calm to the film even in the face of extreme peril. Actually, there wasn't a weak performance in the cast (I haven't even touched on Cillian Murphy or Cliff Curtis).

The effects blow away most of the movies I have seen this summer (including Live Free or Die Hard and Transformers). The score was completely unique for a film of this nature. Like any good score it built beautifully to a crescendo at the perfect moments (of course, no surprise here as Boyle is known for incorporating terrific music into his films).

If I have one, albeit very minor, complaint it's that the story devolved a bit towards the end (not nearly the offender that 28 Days Later was, however). It briefly became a standard "trapped in space where no one can hear you scream" film, but thankfully was able to right itself before the big finale. I loved this film. It demands to be seen on the big screen. I would love nothing more than for it to become the sleeper hit of the summer. Quality wise, this is the kind of movie that should play in the fall with all of the other "important" films. It opens this friday and I can't wait to hear your reactions. Of course, it's very possible that I've just completely overhyped it and you will all hate it (at least on the outside). I'm betting it can withstand my hype.

Like I said, this post is an anomaly. Now, back to the trash...