Search for the Beast (1997)

This movie is such a piece of shit that I couldn't find a poster for it anywhere.  Or, DVD artwork for that matter.  Apparently, it's only available as part of a Big Foot compilation.  The best I could come up with is the above screen shot I found using google.  That's the beast.  It's intended as a genuine beast.  Unlike Shriek of the Mutilated (available on the same DVD set) it's not supposed to be some guy in a costume luring unsuspecting teens to some kind of Satanistic, Cannibalistic, Ritualistic dinner.  Nope.  It's an actual beast.  That loves to fuck.

I did learn a little history so my experience with this thing wasn't all bad.  I learned that the Algonquin Indians used to sacrifice all their hot virgins to Big Foot in order to stave off slaughter.  If, however, the squaw was a little "rough around the edges" Big Foot would take his disdain out on the tribes in what could only be described as a maelstrom of slaughter and rape.  I'm pretty sure the American cavalry used similar tactics.  Anyway, point is Big Foot's got standards.

Basically, what we got here is a lose remake of Aliens.  We got the scientist type (played by Rick Montana) hired to go back into the mountains of Okaloosa, Alabama and bring back proof that Big Foot exists.  He's sent in by a shady executive (some guy stepping in for Paul Reiser and then re-writing the part so he doesn't actually have to get off his fat ass) to bring back evidence of the existence of Big Foot or Big Feet.  Accompanying him will be an armed squadron of rednecks and also porn starlet wannabe, Miss Holli Day.  Of course, the shady business guy is working a double cross ("kill the thing at all costs").  Montana wants to just leave it be (even though the thing is believed to have killed and raped at least forty people in the last year or so (including - spoiler - the executive's son and girlfriend)).

I'll be the first to admit that this sounds like an amazing plot for a movie.  Almost impossible to fuck up, right?  Well, the first thing they did is shoot on cheap home video with some of the worst sound quality I've heard.  Then they edited the scenes in such a way so that nothing makes sense.  We got an allusion to Montana saving Day's life but are never shown this event actually happening.  Maybe it was when they were scaling a "treacherous" "rock" "face" a few minutes back?  I guess they climbed down using some rope that was being sliced into by a rock, but never broke.  Maybe they forgot to put in the scene where it breaks causing Day to fall on Montana's dick?  Anyway, as a reward, Day fucks the shit out of Montana that very night in his tent, while the other rednecks, and their sister, jack off outside.  Of course, the rednecks in the group (i.e., everyone) assume she's fair game and, therefore, are justified putting their dicks in her whether she likes it or not.

The filmmakers also do some weird shit with the dubbing.  I couldn't tell if 99% of the vocals were intended as inner monologue or if the characters were speaking out loud.  Montana is eventually swindled, tied up, left for dead, and has his girl stolen from him by the rednecks.  All of a sudden, the guy becomes John Rambo, shooting and stabbing his way through the mountainside while being chased by barking dogs that we can hear, but never see.  Also, there's a sasquatch (see picture above for proof).

Seriously, Big Foot has only about three minutes of screentime (at one point, I think a close up version was a cartoon - primitve CGI?) and that was probably too much.  So, I don't know.  This thing never bored me too much but I can't say I enjoyed watching it.  It's only 69 (haha) minutes long.  The highlight of the picture is probably the part where this kid is taking his girl from behind when Big Foot sneaks up behind him, pushes him out of the way, and steps in without the girl even noticing.  Other than that, there were a lot of bad parts like anytime Big Foot peaks out from behind a tree or the final revelation (spoiler) that Big Foot is actually working for a couple of Banjo players (The Deliverance band, I believe they're called) by bringing them women, chaining them up, ripping off their clothes, etc.  Also, bad parts involved anytime a character spoke or anytime shot footage was shown on my tv.  So, to sum up i guess we can say the good thing about this movie is the nudity.  The bad thing about this movie is everything else (including the quality of the girls getting naked).  

Robot Jox (1990)

I didn't expect to enjoy Robot Jox as much as I did.  Stuart Gordon (director of The Re-animator, Dagon, Stuck) and Joe Haldeman (author of the great "The Forever War") joined forces (along with producer Charles Band) to create something that manages to work despite its paltry budget.  Basically what we got here is a gladiator picture set in the distant future where the combatants are giant robots fitted with all kinds of crazy weapons and piloted by men (and a woman).  Nuclear war has ravaged earth and out of the dust rises two superpowers; The Market (the USA basically) and The Confederation (those evil bastards from the USSR).  War has been abolished.   Conflicts are resolved in the arena.  The Confederation has laid claim to the province of Alaska (the last vestige of natural resources on the planet).  The Market objects and demands they settle this thing as if they were in Ancient Rome.  Only with giant fucking robots.

The picture is a mash up of Rocky IV, Starship Troopers, and Voltron.  We got the reluctant American hero known as Achilles (a solid Gary Graham) versus the lovably loony Russian, Jox Alexander (Paul Koslo).  Koslo has a blast as the villain.  His performance leaves the earth's atmosphere (literally and figuratively).  He encompasses nearly every Russian stereotype and does it all with a ridiculously absurd accent.  At one point, telling Achilles over drinks, "you make my vodka taste like blood."  The picture opens with Alexander destroying the robot of one of Achille's teammates in battle and then stomping on the cockpit until the poor guy is dead, cackling with delight as he does it.  The referees seem mildly pissed off as a result (yes, these battles are pointlessly refereed).  No suspension or forfeiture though.  Just a little tongue lashing.

So, we got this awesome villain and a hero in Achilles who isn't perfect.  He's a drunk, a misogynist, kind of an all around asshole.  Still, it's a tribute to Graham's performance that we actually kinda like the guy.  The first battle between Alexander and Achilles is a memorable one.  It ends when Alexander's robot launches an errant missile/giant robot hand that locks in on a few thousand spectator's seated comfortably in the bleachers.  Achilles blocks the missile with his robot chest to save the crowd.  Unfortunately, the blow knocks him backwards crushing hundreds.  As a result, spectators are barred from future contests and the match is declared a draw.  Also, Achilles retires in shame (a retirement which predictably will be short lived). 

In addition to Achilles we also got a female robot jock with the code name Athena.  She's a fucking annoying character but thankfully we see her bare assed in the co-ed shower scene (predating Starship Troopers by nearly a decade).  She's cocky, hotheaded and, ultimately, incompetent especially when it comes to piloting a giant robot.  Sure, she does well enough during training exercises (including one that results in death or paralysis if you fail) but when the chips are down (i.e. ownership of Alaska) she comes up short.  Also, she pretends to be Achilles  to get access to his robot for the final fight and then proceeds to get the shit kicked out of her by Alexander.

There are other parts of this picture I liked such as the scene when a traitor is unmasked and he makes a hilarious "getaway".  The sets are cheap.  We're talking painted cardboard.  The special effects veer from the adequate to awful like the part where the giant robot foot is coming directly at the control tower window (reminded me of the shot where Jaws swims towards the underwater window at Seaworld and then Lou Gossett jr. tried to fend it off with his cane).  The robots are brought to life with what looks like a combination of model work, stop motion animation, and men in suits.  The last battle between Achilles and Alexander includes a moment where they launch their robots into space which serves no purpose other than to have a scene take place in space.  And then this thing ends just like Rocky IV minus the awkward speech.  Shit man, I had a great time with this picture.

Crash (1996)

So, I watched this picture about people that get off on car crashes and, I have to say, while I was never bored by it I'm not really sure I understood it either. I'm not even sure if this is a real fetish. I'm afraid what google might bring up if I try to find out. It's a Cronenberg, so you know you're gonna have lots of weird touches like the leg wound that looks like a vagina and eventually gets fucked or even the whole "takes place in Canada" aspect. I mean, I watched the NC-17 version and, I gotta say, there is a lot of fucking in this thing. Only, it's not exactly of the erotic variety. Lots of fucking near car crashes, after car crashes, etc. Twisted metal and damaged bodies are a real turn on to these people.

James Spader starts out as a pretty normal guy who is fucking his secretary (Deborah Karr Unger). Later, he gets in a head on collision (his fault) that kills Holly Hunter's husband while managing to somehow undo Hunter's shirt, exposing her breast. Spader gets kind of turned on while the dead husband, who flew through his own windsheild and into Spader's, lies dead next to him. They both rehab at the same joint, encounter each other in the hall (he makes a weak apology attempt), and later, meet again, at the junkyard. Spader gives Hunter a lift and they end up fucking in his car while it's parked in a crowded parking garage.

Hunter introduces Spader to Elias Koteas who takes pictures of wounds and, in his spare time, recreates fatal celebrity car crashes in front of an appreciative audience. He also dates Rosanna Arquette who has a hideous vaginal leg wound and seems like she's part machine (another fascination of Cronenberg's is the melding of technology and flesh - so he keeps his themes going). Later Spader fucks Arquette (and the aforementioned wound), Koteas fucks Unger, Unger fucks Arquette, and Spader fucks Koteas. Then they all get in crashes and shit. Koteas gets jealous when his buddy stunt driver dresses up like Jayne Mansfield and re-enacts her crash without him, complete with dead puppy in the back and near-decapitation.

The picture ends with Spader causing Unger to crash and then fucking her, as she's possibly near death, in the divider between highways as cars just continue on their merry way. Lots of fucking in this one. Sorry if I spoiled all the fucking. And some dirty talk between Unger and Spader including when Unger asks Spader "if he'll put his penis in [Koteas'] asshole" or something like that. Anyway, lots of sex. A couple car crashes (some off camera..some on) and then more fucking. Not too much talking. It's a quiet movie about fucking and car crashes and the link between them and lots of other shit I don't really understand. Good performances. Lots of baring of souls and various other parts. I'd still rather watch this than the picture of the same name that won best picture a few years back. Recommended for sick fetishists or Cronenberg fanatics or for people that want to watch a movie called Crash.

Brown's Requiem (1998)

I've been a fan of James Ellroy for probably about fifteen years so it was a shock to find an adaptation of his work that I didn't know existed, made around the same time that my fandom began. And, I'm happy to say, as an Ellroy picture, this one holds it's own with the likes of Cop (based on "Blood on the Moon"). It's no LA Confidential, but it's well ahead of shit like The Black Dahlia (as a movie it's sorta fun, but as an adaptation it's god awful).

Based on the novel of the same name (Ellroy's first I believe), "Brown's Requiem" (the novel) is Ellroy, probably too closely, aping the noir of Raymond Chandler. This is before he found his own bat-shit staccato voice. We got the down on his luck private eye (as well as disgraced former beat cop, repo man, alcoholic, misogynist, etc) Fritz Brown operating in, and around, Los Angeles. As the film begins he is repossessing a car when the owner comes running out with a baseball bat. This kind of thing is all too typical for Brown so he turns to private dicking to lighten things up a bit. One of his first cases involves a fat caddy named "fat dog" (Michael Sasso) who wants Brown to look into the dalliances of his sister, Jane Baker (Selma Blair), who is apparently getting boffed by some tycoon named Solly K (Harold Gould). Solly happens to be old enough to be Jane's grandfather. At first, fat dog just wants to know the nature of the relationship. In typical noir fashion things are never simple. More shit's involved. We got some welfare check scam involving Solly K and the internal affairs cop (Brion James) that got Brown booted from the force. We got people who aren't what they seem, we got innocent dames that ain't so innocent, we got skeleton's in Brown's closet. Etc.

For being a picture I didn't even know existed for the last dozen or so years I gotta say I was impressed. Set apparently in the 90s, the filmmakers (led by director Jason Freeland) did a good job of creating a sort of timelessness to the thing. The score was jazzy, but a subtle type of jazz. The voice over by Rooker, seemed right from Ellroy's text (though I'm too lazy to verify this or not...the book is buried somewhere on my shelf and I forgot to take notes). Peopled throughout are some pretty good character actors like Brad Dourif (as a cancer ridden informant) and the guy that played Jigsaw (as a hardass). We also got one of the actor's from "Law & Order" as a hard talkin detective. Also, Kevin Corrigan (Goodfellas, The Departed, other stuff) makes an appearence as Brown's tragically alcoholic nephew.

Through all this shit is Michael Rooker in probably his best role after Henry. The guy just shows up and we believe him. He's a hard man, but not all that tough. He's reluctant which is why he always asks for the money up front. He's not the brightest bulb but he's smart enough when he needs to be. Rooker shines in the part and manages to create a man who starts out broken, patches himself up a bit, seems to be heading for some sort of redemption, etc. Whether he gets there, I'll leave that for you to decide. It's an interesting arc.

So, this is a good one. I love it when a movie succeeds despite it's budgetary limitations. This one succeeds. The violence that occurs here occurs sparingly and in short bursts. That's appropriate. Prolonged shootouts rarely happen. Bullets are too quick for that. If you're a fan of Ellroy, or film noir, Michael Rooker, or maybe even Selma Blair (sorry, I think the most we see is her in her bra and panties. wait....c'mon, she's playing a sixteen year old. Sickos!) then give this one a shot.

Jacob's Ladder (1990)

Revisiting Jacob's Ladder after all these years, a couple things occurred to me. First, shit, I bet this thing, with it's flash forwards and flash sideways, inspired "Lost" (at least a little). And, second this might be the biggest downer of a mind fuck I've ever seen. Most mind fucks end and you just want to talk about the experience (good or bad), attempt to put the puzzle together in reverse, whatever. This one ended and I just wanted to crawl into bed and think of ways to stave off my own demons. This is not a feel good experience.

But it is an experience worth experiencing. Directed by Adrian Lyne (Fatal Attraction) and starring Tim Robbins (Bull Durham), Jacob's Ladder is the warped tale of an American soldier (Robbins) wounded during a horrific battle in Vietnam and shipped back to the states (to a city that vaguely resembles 1970s New York City) where, despite having a doctorate in something, he becomes a postal worker (no shame there - trading in one uniform for another). His name is....well....Jacob. One night, on his way home (it's very late), he falls asleep on the train while reading a novel (I'm sure the novel is significant, but I forgot to check what it was), and misses his stop. He finally gets off at a deserted station, discovers he's locked in. On the other side of the tracks is an exit that appears open. He begins to cross, steps in a deep puddle, dances in front of an oncoming train while blinded by the lights, and finally dives to safety as weird faces stare down at him from the windows of the train that doesn't even stop. Shit gets even weirder from there. Jacob has a girlfriend (Elizabeth Pena) and apparently an ex-wife and three boys, one of whom (MacCauley Culkin) was killed in an accident. Anyway, Jacob's life seems to be spiralling from this point on. His doctor gets blown up in his car. Someone seems to be following him. He sees demons everywhere he goes. Heads do this weird jittery thing in front of him. His girlfriend looks like she's getting fucked from behind at this party by a guy with a tail. According to a fortune teller his lifeline indicates he's already dead. Seems like the government may have subjected his platoon to some sort of mind altering drugs they had the good graces to test on monkeys first ('cept the monkeys tore each other to shreds as a result). Old war buddy gets blown up in car. More demon shit. And, etc.

Then, Jacob gets sick (fever of 106) and is submerged in ice water. When he comes to he is living with his ex wife Sarah and says all that other shit was a dream and now we don't know what to believe. And then he wakes up again and is back with Pena. This bullshit is getting confusing. The picture is somber. Lots of quiet moments, subtle scoring, interrupted by the periodic demon shriek type of sound effect. You know, the jarringly loud sound effect meant to wake you if you've fallen asleep (which, I gotta be honest, might happen). Having said all this, I really really like this picture and was most likely blown away by it on my first viewing. The impact is lessened slightly by the fact that I know where it's all heading.

We got probably the best performance of Tim Robbin's career. He's such a sad sack shaggy dog in this thing. Can't help but feel sorry for the guy. We got a terrific Elizabeth Pena as his girlfriend/possible hallucination (spoiler?). We got a funny Danny Aiello as Robbin's wacko chiropractor. Also, early performances from Ving Rhames, Eriq La Salle, and Jason Alexander (as an asshole lawyer). The performances, the visuals, the sounds, the writing all make this thing worth watching on repeat viewings, long after the twist has been revealed. Which I'm gonna do here, so be warned if you haven't seen the thing. It's twenty years old so I'm not gonna feel bad. Holy shit, Jacob's Ladder is twenty years old??? That makes me feel fucking old. Depressingly so. Looks like I'm not that far from the ol' ladder myself.

Well dip shits (just kidding, I love you) the movie is called Jacob's Ladder which if you know your bible is like the ladder to heaven or something. I figured it was a metaphor or some shit, but nope they actually are being literal here. See, Jacob never made it home from Vietnam. Apparently, he was bayonnetted by one of his own mind altered men (if we are to believe this aspect of the story) and then died in a bivouac after fever dreaming this entire picture. Were the scenes with his ex wife actually flash backs? Did he really have kids? I think the whole damned thing was made up. So, anyway, at the end, he realizes that demons were showing up to mess with him until he was ready to move on (to the afterlife)...at which point, an angel(s) will show up to bring him home (i.e. up some stairs and into a bright light led by Culkin who I guess is the angel or something). I guess I was supposed to be happy for the guy, getting to go into heaven and shit, but I was more depressed for him since he was dead and fought the whole movie to come to his senses only to realize at the end that it didn't really matter. Dead. Kaput. The end.

Still, good movie.

Mute Witness (1994)

Mute Witness surprised me by being a picture from the 90s which I'd never heard of that actually managed to be pretty good. I'm always finding shit from the 70s, and sometimes the 80s, unheard of by me that's pretty decent. Truth be told, I usually don't even bother looking at 90s shit. Most of it's direct to video, shot on video, cheaper than a two dollar hooker,etc. So, yeah, what a shock it was to stumble upon Mute Witness, a picture full of vibrancy and featuring one of the more sympathetic leads you'll ever see in a movie you're unfamiliar with. Also, lots of tension, solid chases, some Hitchcockian turns, zooming cameras, never ending hallways, creative effects, and..uh...some nice cans.

Our story opens on a film set (inside some vast warehouse) in Moscow where an American film crew is hard at work on a cheap slasher picture. We got a director (who seems like he's 18), his girlfriend (can't remember her job on set), and the girlfriend's sister; a woman who works as the special effects artist. Her job consists of creating the fake blood, making the blood burst on impact, etc. Also, she's a mute girl. I wonder if she'll witness any shit?

Anyway, the shoot closes up for the day and the crew files out. The mute girl (Billy) forgets something and goes back inside, she'll meet the others later. While inside she hears something, sounds like sex. She stumbles upon another set and watches from the shadows. It's a porno shoot with some guy in a mask boffing some blond Russian bimbo. Billy becomes amused and keeps watching (my kind of girl). Suddenly the masked star pulls something out from beneath the pillow, a knife. The cameraman keeps filming. Billy screams. Mutely. The knife comes down, the blood flies, Billy runs away, but can't get out because she's locked inside. What follows is a tense game of cat and mouse between her and the snuff filmmakers as she alludes them in the warehouse. She hides in an elevator shaft, under garbage bags full of body parts, etc. She tries to make phone calls, but cannot speak. Luckily, her and her sister have come up with a "tap" system of communicating. It's clear the director, Anthony Waller, has studied his Hitchcock, De Palma, Coens, etc in the way he constructs these warehouse bound scenes.

Eventually, the action leaves the warehouse and the picture loses a bit of steam. Cops become involved, but are they really cops? What's Alec Guinness doing taking what amounts to a 1 minute cameo as "special mystery guest"? Guinness plays a shady character who apparently is the head of the Russian snuff film industry or some shit like that (I'm sure he had no idea what the picture was about before signing on or even after his five minutes of work was complete).

There's a terrific moment when the snuff guys have to convince the cops that the "mute witness" doesn't know what she saw. She didn't witness a murder. It was all special effects, see. She, as an effects artist, should know better. It's a reasonable explanation made even more reasonable after a shocking demonstration. In a thriller type picture involving people that make thrillers type pictures we can never have enough surprise fake deaths. Well, maybe this picture layered them on a bit too thick.

So, we got quite a few deaths. Some of them real. Some fake. We got some black humor. We got some light humor (such as the weird scene where the director and his girlfriend go out to eat and he squirts the sauce on his meat). We got some almost, but not quite, full frontal female nudity. We got several ingenious scenes where Billy runs from trouble, screaming, but no one can hear a god damned thing. Marina Zudina as Billy is something close to a revelation. She does a great job of making us root for this character who can't talk, grunt, scream, etc. She also gives a striking physical performance (unclothed and fully clothed). All this contributes to her being dubbed the "silent scream queen" (by me).

The other performers acquit themselves ok. Evan Richards and Fay Ripley are fine as the director and his girlfriend (mute girl's sister) but it's not surprising that we still haven't heard of them. Richard's, in particular, is at least able to milk this thing for some comedy (note his reaction to his girlfriend beating the tar out of a policeman). The snuff thugs (couple of Russian actors) are amusingly incompetent, but also menacing enough that we believe they'd have the gall to snuff a mute girl even if it does take Alec Guinness ordering them to do so. They're reluctantly menacing. Guinness is just old. His legacy is in tact because the picture is far from an embarrassment. I guess much of that credit can go to Anthony Waller, the director. He's someone to watch out for. He ratchets up the suspense, the chills, the blood, etc. He knows when to move the camera and when to keep it still. Parts of this picture played like some sort of strange homage to Powell's Peeping Tom. The guy clearly knows his film. Let's hope he doesn't go and blow it with his next picture. Oh wait, he did...and he's done nothing worth talking about since. Oh well. In his case I guess it's too bad he'll always have Paris.

14 Days: Pumpkinhead 2 - Blood Wings (1994)

Pumpkinhead does not need an origin story. The original is scary, in large part, because we don't know exactly where the thing comes from (we assume hell, but it's never made clear). It just is. It's summoned, it kills those who have been chosen for extermination, it goes back to wherever the hell it came from when it's finished. It's simple. It's perfect.

Not only does Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings give it an origin story, they also humanize the fucker. Now the thing's a god damned "he". See, turns out Pumpkinhead is actually the deformed son of that witch that lives in the mountains (I guess). Years ago, some kids got together, sliced him up, and dropped him down a well. So, his mother casts a few incantations and he's reborn as pumpkinhead. Of course, he can only be summoned by his mother...and, in that case, only rest after he's killed his marks. Other than the addition of an origin story, this is the same god damned movie as the first one (minus the Lance Henriksen).

Some rowdy kids (including the Sheriff's daughter of course) accidentaly burn down the witch's home (with her inside). So, I guess she summons Pumpkinhead while she's burning...or maybe from the burn ward in the hospital. Whatever, man. Then the kids spend the picture running, hiding, futilely fighting off Pumpkinhead. There's a neat twist involving Pumpkinhead receiving 2 sets of marks; we got the kids that burned his momma and also the kids (now adults) that killed him in the first place. Or, maybe Pumpkinhead just decided to kill the 2nd set on his own...sort of a twofer deal. So, I guess a little different from the first one.

Somehow, amidst all this dreck, we got a good performance or two. Notably Andrew Robinson (the dad in Hellraiser) as the sheriff. His daughter is ably played by Ami Dolenz (any relation to Micky?). Also, Roger Clinton (yes, Bill's half brother) appears as the mayor, Bubba. Amusingly, when he thinks of Pumpkinhead, he thinks dollar signs and compares it to Big Foot, the Loch Ness monster, etc. Something to "put our little town on the map". Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) shows up and gets skewered.

So, it's not a very good picture but I laughed a few times. I can't imagine those laughs were unintentional. Most of these laughs center around the medical examiner who shows up at the Sheriff's home, during breakfast with his family, to give the results of the autopsy; "His limbs were severed..." Uh huh. She immediately makes the following observation after finding a body; "If an animal got old Ernst, it wasn't of this world." Her best line involves a character being "one step away from scared to death." She's a great character.

Pumpkinhead looks the same as he always does. He appears, against shots backlit with lightning, looks menacing, kills a few people and disappears. I didn't notice any wings or anything though. Or, being more specific, "blood wings". Not sure what the subtitle is about. Maybe they were in the original script, but they didn't have the budget for them or something. We also only got one stylistic flourish in the entire picture. I don't always call for this shit, I'm fine when the style is a lack of style, as long as the story is compelling me. Here though, they got a scene where a hole is dug from the perspective of a shovel. It's a jarring moment, especially when you consider how flat the rest of the picture is. Jeff Burr (the director of this and Leatherface), embrace the style! This isn't a very good one. We got a couple boobies, a severed head, maybe a brief shot of a disembowelment. I watched it with some pumpkinhead beer so it was pretty tolerable. Went down smooth. The beer I mean.

The Beast (1996)

I remember watching this movie back when it first aired, on one of those network things people used to watch back in the nineties, and thinking it wasn't too bad. In those days, they used to film stories for one of the three major networks and usually air them in a couple installments usually starting on sunday night. So, instead of a tight 90 minute story about a giant squid on a rampage we got a bloated three hour epic.

Well, this being based on a Peter Benchley story we can pretty much assume it will be structured identical to Jaws. We got a small island community. Instead of Amity it's called Grave's Point. There's a like-able everyman type of person as the star. Instead of Roy Scheider we got William Petersen. There's a giant sea monster attacking and eating people. Instead of a giant shark we got a giant squid. There are a few subtle differences. Grave's Point is more of a fishing community than a tourist destination. Peterson is a fishing boat captain, not a chief of police. Also, this thing is three hours long, not two hours and ten minutes (I had to look it up).

The picture opens with a couple in a sinking schooner being eaten by archy-toothy (technical term for squid). Cops find the boat, national guard get involved, Petersen's character (named Whip) finds out, etc. They find a tooth or a claw or something in the debris, so Whip sends it to some marine biologists who show up soon after (not Richard Dreyfuss, but some guy named Dr. Talley and his assistant Chris, another subtle difference). Also, the guy that played Dr. Giggles and Durand and Lenny plays a rival fishing boat captain to Whip. He's a drunk, a baffoon, traps his fish (big no no), and likes his porn. In addition, Whip has a daughter who might be in danger, a dead wife (died offscreen, ten years earlier) and a love interest, national guardswoman.

Almost forgot, Whip has a first mate named Mike who he can't really pay since the fishing has dried up thanks to something eating them all or maybe it's the illegal trapping. Mike puts a smile on his face when he's with his wife but then wonders why the local grocery store won't extend his credit. Mike looks for work but no one's hiring. Nothing to do in town but fish and their ain't no fish. He may have to take some work he wouldn't normally take...maybe something dangerous.

Shit, there's also Charles Martin Smith who plays the mayor, Skyler Graves. He's like the mayor from Jaws only slightly less despicable. I kinda felt bad for the guy. He only wants what's best for the town and by extension himself. His goal is to kill the beast. Well, his goal is actually to pay someone else to kill the beast. Why would anyone get mad at him for that? I mean, look at the guy! He's Charles Martin Smith.

I don't know, when the first disc ended it felt sorta like an anti-climax. Dr. Giggles and his crew dropping depth charges on the beast and eventually it floats up to the surface dead and they laugh all the way to the bank. The end. Only, it's not the end. There's another disc to watch. Shit.

Turns out the beast was just a three month old baby. Whip and friends would hate to meet what gave birth to that thing. Before they know there's a bigger squid they send down a three man submersible to check things out. Christopher, Talley's assistant, signs on. He's kept himself busy these past few days by falling in love with Whip's daughter ("seems like we've known each other our whole lives"). I think he probably porked her at some point 'cause she seems pretty broken up when their submersible is squashed like an empty beer can against Archy-toothy's giant forehead.

Well, this is not a bad movie. There's a good cast in here somewhere. I like Petersen and Charles Martin Smith is good and funny and shit. Then you got the guy that played Dr. Talley as sorta an uppity British guy. Actually, I don't know if he was uppity that's just my universal description for British people. To be honest, not even sure if he was British. Dr. Giggles...ah..who am I kidding, I know his name is Larry Drake, I love the guy...is terrific as the rival captain. My favorite scene strangely was the quiet one of him at home pouring beer into his soupy beans and getting them all in his goatee. Also, the scene where he frantically fires his pistol at tentacles as they close around his captain's cabin (sorry, don't know the technical term for it).

The special effects are not bad for a made for network television type of movie. We got several creepy shots of the beast swimming or whatever it does under boats, lots of rubber tentacles, shots of one big eye, and teeth. Lots of decent model boats, good sound effects, etc. Unfortunately, the thing is three hours long. The first ninety minutes we deal with the baby squid and I guess character development. The second ninety minutes is all about revenge on the part of the giant squid and on the part of Whip since it's pretty clear the squid must have killed his wife all those years earlier. Anyway, for a three hour movie with an unoriginal premise this one's not bad. It's no Jaws I, II, III, or IV, it's no Orca, Deep Blue Sea, or Pirates of the Carribean part II which had a giant squid. I only saw Peter Benchley's Creature in parts, so I'm not sure which is better. I think that one had super shark soldiers which is indisputably a pretty cool premise. If the giant squid had body armor and a bazooka or something this would probably be the better movie and I'd be more forgiving of the run time.

Frankenhooker (1990)

"If you only see one movie this year, it should be Frankenhooker"
-Bill Murray

Frank Henenlotter, the genius (yes, this label definitely applies) behind Basket Case and Brain Damage is back with perhaps his wildest, and funniest, picture, Frankenhooker. Ignore the "PG" on the poster above, this one is a fairly hard R, full of breasts, thongs, exploding hookers, drug use, and a look into the seedier side of vintage Times Square. Also included is an absolute looney tunes performance by James Lorinz as Jeffrey Franken, the resident med school dropout/electrician/inventor. Lorinz is almost overshadowed by former Penthouse Pet, Patty Mullen as Elizabeth Shelley, Franken's overweight fiance/lawnmower victim. I'm thinking you should probably stop reading now and just see the thing.

Franken and Shelley lead a quiet, pre-title sequence, New Jersey type of life. He messes around in his fiance's kitchen attempting to register some kind of higher function in a brain that he stuffed with a giant eyeball while Shelley (Mullens in a fat suit) entertains the guests outside who've arrived for her father's birthday. Shelley presents her father with his gift, a souped up radio control lawn mower invented by Franken. The lawn mower turns on, runs out of control, runs over Shelley and later we see a reporter describing her as being "instantly reduced to a tossed human salad." Also, certain parts of her (in particular, her head) have gone missing. Hmmmm...

Jeffrey Franken is traumatized by the accident. He tells his mother he's becoming "antisocial, dangerously amoral, can't tell right from wrong" and finishes with "I'm scared Ma!" to which his mother replies "let me make you a sandwich." Of course, this is just the sort of enabler he needs to continue his experiments in reanimation. He'll find his girlfriend a new body, a less fat one. He explains all this to Shelley's head over a romantic Italian dinner of pizza and a nice Bojole wine. He then shows her pictures of her head on new bodies (all naked, of course). "I could make you the centerfold goddess of the century! I just need the right parts."

After drilling into his head to jar his brain, he comes up with the perfect idea: Hookers. He drives into Times Square, meets a couple, deals with their pimp, buys some crack, and arranges to meet a gaggle of hookers the following night. He's got the dough and he'll have the blow. Of course, he's also a chemist so he modifies that crack a bit, turns it into "supercrack", tests it on his guinea pig and, after seeing the results, declares "this could get ugly." Shit man, there is a lot of plot going on here. Without going much further, let's just say he feeds the crack to the hookers, they explode, and he takes the body parts back to his garage laboratory where he puts his fiance back together and reanimates her with a well timed lightning bolt. Only, when she comes back it was not exactly as the Elizabeth he had hoped for. Now, he's got to deal with his fiance (turned into a lethal hooker), this pimp named Zorro, and several moral conundrums.

This picture is pretty close to perfection. James Lorinz and his perfect Joisy accent is absolutely hilarious as Franken. If I had to single out one scene, it would be where he's trying to rationalize giving these hookers a lethal form of crack that he knows will separate their limbs from their torsos; "I'm not killing anyone, it's not like I'm holding a gun to their head" and "They can always just say no. It's not me, it's the crack." If he just puts the crack down on a table or something and they happen to use it, it's not his fault. The drug will kill them eventually anyway. He's just "speeding up the process."

Mullen is almost as good as Franken's creation, a stitched together abomination of a hooker. Purple hair, a black forearm, I think an Asian leg, etc. She twitches, spasms, repeats things like "wanna date", "lookin for some action" and "got some money" ad nauseum. This ain't the woman Franken was engaged to marry. She's an amalgamation of every hooker he blew up. It's a great physical performance from the former Penthouse Pet and I don't just say that because she bares her breasts.

The special effects in this picture are awful, but loveable. Clearly the exploding hookers are dynamyted mannequins. That's fine, just adds to the fun. There's a scene at the end where flailing, shunted body parts leap out of a fridge that probably stole all the effects budget. I loved Franken's explanation for why he can only reanimate females (he "deals strictly with an estrogen based blood serum"). This also explains the hilarious, and predictable, finale.

If this sounds like the height of camp, well I suppose it is. Still, it feels more grounded somehow. This isn't a Troma picture (thankfully). There's no winking at the camera, no singing. I mean, we get ridiculous lines like (when Franken is measuring a hooker's breasts) "if I take the circumference and divide that by Pi..." and "nice bouyancy" but they're all delivered fairly straight (or, as straight as Lorinz can muster which I suppose isn't very). The world of the picture may not be our world, but it's a....uh...world. Hell, maybe Times Square was really like this twenty years ago with crazy pimp branded hookers, wild crack parties, random Rutger Hauer sightings (I swear that was him), and a guy in a bar who explodes after going down on frankenhooker under the table.

When the hell is Bad Biology going to be available for my viewing pleasure?

The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Here we've got one of the few Wes Craven films I can actually enjoy. The first Nightmare on Elm Street is pretty good and then we got The Hills Have Eyes and even parts of Swamp Thing. Last House on the Left, well, I can take it or leave it. Some parts are shocking and some parts are silly and none of those parts really come together in an acceptable way. In the 90s he started changing up things a little with his meta-Freddy picture, New Nightmare and that one that changed the face of horror for the next decade, the one written by the "Dawson's Creek" guy called Vampire in Brooklyn or something. Also, Music of the Heart I heard was pretty damned terrifying from what I heard, so I'll check that one out and let you know. He led off the 90s with a feature that promised to be a movie about people living under some stairs, called The People Under the Stairs, and boy did it deliver on its promise.

I enjoyed this movie even if I'm still not sure if its very good or not. We got two despicable villains in the form of Everett McGill (who was the werewolf turned preacher in Silver Bullet) and Wendy Robie who played June Reed in that one episode of "Baywatch" and was also married to McGill's character in "Twin Peaks". In this movie, they live together as husband and wife, "mommy" and "daddy", and also, we learn later, brother and sister. Their home looks innocent enough from the outside. In reality (movie reality, I mean) it's a heavily fortified fortress, windows locked from the outside, steel doors, unbreakable windows, and a dog named killer or poochy or something that is fed spare parts of the people Daddy kills (McGill, in case you forgot). Oh, and they got some people locked in the basement and under the stairs.

Anyway, this daddy guy is a rich son of a bitch but he's no Daddy Roebuck. I don't remember a scene with Daddy Roebuck slicing up a hanging victim and eating parts of his organs as he works and then feeding what's left to the people living under his stairs, but it's been a long time since I've seen Annie, maybe I was traumatized and blocked it out. Daddy (McGill, not Roebuck) is the richest guy in town, a slum lord who evicts his tenants if they're three days late on rent. Ordinarily, I would think this illegal but it's printed right there on the lease so those families got not excuse. Well, one such family has a mother dying of cancer unless she can get enough money to have the cancer removed. They also got a young son named "fool" (played by Brandon Adams) who is talked into a scheme by his sister's boyfriend (Ving Rhames) that involves breaking into Daddy's house and robbing him of his gold coin collection, the knowledge of which has somehow been making its way around the gossip circuit. Fool teams up with Leroy (Ving) and some "slippery" white guy named Spenser. First they case the house. Then they send Fool to the door posing as a boy scout selling cookies and, when that doesn't work, Spenser poses as the gas man. When he doesn't come out, Fool and Leroy break into the house, there are people under the stairs, a big dog, little girl named Alice, more people under the stairs, mommy and daddy, gimp sighting (which predates Ving Rhame's Pulp Fiction), etc. Maybe I am profiling a character in a movie here but I gotta say I found it unbelievable that Ving's character wasn't packing. Racist.

Strangely enough, this movie doesn't work because of how cartoonish it is but at the same time, the cartoonishness is one of the big reasons I enjoyed it. Daddy is too oafish to be scary. The guy gets hit in the head more times than Yosemite Sam. It's an incredibly enjoyable performance by McGill. He runs around in an all black leather, including mask, S&M suit firing his shotgun into the walls. This house is full of nooks and crannies and secret passageways inside the walls. Fool, after getting locked inside, befriends a young girl named Alice who is supposedly the daughter of mommy and daddy, but if that's the case, the apple fell pretty fucking far from the tree. This is a young girl (played by AJ Langer) who has never even been outside. Mommy and daddy abuse the shit out of her, mostly off camera except the time when mommy dumped her in a bath of scalding water to rid her of sinfulness or some shit like that. Another time, she is hung up by her wrists in the attic, for what was probably days. An embroidered picture hangs in her bedroom with the old saying "A child should never be seen or heard" or something like that which is actually a likely perversion of the original saying. When mommy and daddy learn that fool is running around in the walls all daddy can think is that he's going to "make it" with Alice. Oh, and there's another kid running around in the walls without a tongue (mommy and daddy cut it out) who used to be one of the people under the stairs but is now referred to as "the thing in the walls", called Roach. I guess he's the requisite mutant "we thought was bad that's actually good because even though he shrieks a lot it's only because he can't talk since his tongue was cut out even though when he shows his "tongue" it just looks like they burned it a little or something" with a heart of gold. Also, I'm sorry for calling him a mutant.

This is a pro-child type of picture. I mean, they endure a lot of shit but they're pretty tough and, in the case of Fool, almost too tough. This kid becomes an action hero about halfway through. When he first enters the house, he's terrified of everything. Later, he's dropping bricks on Daddy's head and punching him in the balls. At one point, Daddy sets his killer dog loose in the walls and Fool says "I'm sick of running" and turns around to fight the dog only realizing too late that this is a dog trained to kill and with a taste for human flesh on top of that. They even give him a few one liners to punctuate his acts of heroism but they were so unmemorable that you'll just have to see the picture to learn what they are. So, he wasn't always a believable protagonist. Contrast him with the usually tough Ving Rhames who starts off all bad ass and shit ("what if the President made me Secretary of Pussy?" during a game of "what if?") but, later, is reduced to a cowering shell of his pretend self, even, at one point, forcing Fool to find a new hiding spot, "this one's full."

I guess my thing is I expected this to be more scary than funny, but it's just the opposite and almost not scary at all. The house is a marvelous creation. Even the appliances (stoves, furnaces, etc) lead to hidden passages. The people under those stairs are scarier when they are unseen and, thankfully, for the most part they are. I did like how one was watching a news report of the first Iraq war. I'm sure there's a statement in there somewhere. This movie suffers from a severe case of split personality disorder. On the one hand, we got a kids movie; child protagonist, a girl named Alice, a weird house full of hidden passages, etc, cartoonish violence, over the top villains, a mother that needs money for an operation, children wise beyond their years, etc. On the other hand, we got horrific acts of real violence, gun shot violence, acts of cannibalism, implied incest, child abuse, dog on man violence, man on dog violence, f-bombs, etc.

So, I don't know, I found it consistently entertaining mainly because of how insane it was. Most adults probably won't jive to it and most kids shouldn't be allowed anywhere near it. Obviously, there's a message in here about ghetto life and how slum lords are all just incestuous, S&M loving, cannibalistic mother fuckers. I'm not big on message films but this one is fairly decent, so I guess give it a look.

Blind Justice (1994)

I'm a big fan of IMDB. Usually, they get things right. I especially enjoy reading their film trivia and sometimes I'll even check out their "goofs" link. Basically, someone takes the time to point out continuity errors or plot holes. This can be fun to read but also disheartening when a favorite picture is picked apart. Anyway, they have one plot hole listed for this movie I watched called Blind Justice: "Most of the activities that Canaan (blind hero of Blind Justice) performs throughout the movie, especially shooting and keeping his horse on course, would be impossible for a blind or nearly blind man to do". This is an idiotic point to make. I mean, the point of the picture is that the guy is blind. His other senses are heightened; smell, hearing, etc. Next they will say that Zatoichi, or Nick Parker for that matter, can't wield those swords for the point of anything other than comedy. I suppose it would be funny, and a completely different movie, if Canaan never hit anything with his guns. It would also be a good message to send out to the blind. I guess IMDB probably thinks the blind ain't reading their site. I don't know if braille computer screens have been invented yet. Maybe there's some kind of audio component they can use? Anyway, it's ridiculous to point out a plot hole when that plot hole is the point of the movie is my point.

This is a good one, an HBO original production, bigger than TV, somewhat smaller than a real movie. Armand Assante stars as Canaan, a bounty hunter traveling across the West with an infant in tow. A Civil War veteran with an axe to grind. Also, Blind. His purpose is to return the infant to her mother. His character is like a cross between Al Swearengen (similar mannerisms and also similar voice) and Fenster (mumbles a lot), minus the cocksuckers. The picture was inspired, loosely, by Jonah Hex (DC Comics bounty hunter of the old west, soon to be a movie starring Josh Broilin). They're both disfigured Civil War vets working as bounty hunters in the Old West. That's about where the comparisons end. I guess he's also sorta like that Zatoichi guy, being blind and all. The difference is that Canaan's blindness isn't really played for laughs. They even threw in a little Ogami Ito (Lone Wolf & Cub) into the mix except Canaan carries around an infant as opposed to a toddler. Also, no babycart. Also, this infant is a girl and doesn't help Canaan out the way little Daigoro helped out Ogami. Is this picture sexist or just pointing out that infants are useless? Well, this is a pretty fun performance by Assante. In his first scene, he is circled by some banditos. They make fun of his disability, shoot their guns in the air, cackle, etc. The leader gets off his horse and Canaan asks him to hold the baby. He then shoots the horsed banditos (I think there were four of them), turns to the leader and says "much obliged" as he takes the baby back. Good introduction to the character.

Well, those banditos had ties to an even larger band of banditos led by Robert Davi. Davi is a guy you'll be familiar with even if you don't recognize the name. He's been in Predator 2, Die Hard, Raw Deal, Action Jackson, and so on. A member of the "that guy" action hall of fame I'm sure if such a hall of fame exists. It's a pretty juicy role, something Davi's not used to. His gang comes across the guy humiliated by Canaan in the opening scene (and left alive). The guy begs for water and Davi tells his #1 enforcer (MC Gainey, another "that guy") to "give him a drink". He dismounts, unbuckles his pants, and pisses all over him. This guy has had a terrible couple of days. Embarrassed by a blind man and now on the receiving end of a golden shower from a guy that doesn't look too clean. To top it all off, Davi blows his head off with a shotgun. Crappy way to go out. Speaking of crap, Davi also said "he looks hungry too" after Gainey pissed all over him. I'm glad we didn't have to put up with a brown shower scene. That would have been pushing the envelope a little too much.

Like most westerns, this one involves a town under siege (by Davi's banditos). Canann sides with the town (in exchange for 200 silver pieces courtesy of the U.S. Government). The town is occupied by some calvary led by Adam "I'm not a Baldwin" Baldwin (he was in "firefly"). Also, Elisabeth Shue is in this before she was in Leaving Las Vegas and after Cocktail. She should probably stick to playing hookers or cocktail waitresses or something because she's pretty bad in this role. We do get to see the nipple on her right breast though so that's something. The town's also got a priest and an Indian. The Indian wasn't really a character at all. Just someone we could laugh at I guess. Every town in the old west needs one, a drunken bafoon who never really speaks, makes funny faces, and so on. He does save Canaan's life at one point, so that's something. Jack Black appears briefly as a calvary private. It's crazy that this guy, before he was even a name, could land a part in a western where he pretty much just plays himself for two minutes. I mean, I like the guy, think he can be funny. Still, this is a fucking western. Why have Jack Black appear for two minutes, do his shtick, and then just disappear from the movie entirely? It was a little strange.

There's not too much backstory on this Canaan character and that's just as well. It's better to be mysterious. What little we learn, we get through his dream sequences. There's a battle. He's fighting for the north. There's a little girl caught in a crossfire. Canaan wants to help her but his commanding officer orders him back into formation at gunpoint. Then an explosion, girl dies, Canaan is blinded I guess. So, we can understand why he has such a low regard for authority figures, why he tends to work alone, why he cares for this mysterious infant, and, also why he's blind. All wrapped up neatly in a 2-3 minute dream (spread throughout the film). Luckily, this guy sleeps a lot. He gets shot, crucified, etc...so plenty of time for fever dreams. We never did find out how the guy can get his horse to go to the right place (IMDB may have been right to question this I begrudgingly admit). When first we see him, he's on foot. He's not completely blind though. He sees things in shades of milky white, not dark, so who knows? Could just be a really smart horse or maybe Canaan talks to him like the Beastmaster?

I wanted to comment briefly on Canaan's gunfighting skills. He's no "man with no name" I guess in that he moves around a lot, as if he can actually dodge bullets. He does a lot of rolls, etc. Eastwood characters were smart enough to know you couldn't dodge the bullets, you just had to be a quicker draw than the other guy. I guess that's one aspect of Canaan I didn't really get into. I mean, he's blind so he's probably pretty quick like Daredevil or Zatoichi. What's with all that movement? I like an economy of action in my blind characters is what I'm saying. This guy can be a bit of a show off. Having said that, I still enjoyed the character. He overcame a lot of adversity to get where he is today (150 or so years ago). Also, a bit of a drunkard and cigar addict. Two solid traits in a western hero.

This is the part of my review where, if I was smarter, I'd discuss the religious implications of the picture. Canaan is a name from the bible I believe. Was he blind in the bible? At one point, the Indian is stoned by some racist townies. Canaan is crucified. The priest is duplicitous. Profit, not compassion for your fellow man, rules the day. I don't know, it's all in there. You figure out what it means. I'm not the right guy to ask. Haven't read the bible since the time I brought it to school in the 5th grade to read during study hall and then the teacher called my Mom to see if I was ok. Not a normal thing to do I guess, so I never picked it up again. I think I barely made it through "genesis" anyway, so no big deal. Comic books were the way to go is the lesson I learned. I should have read some "Jonah Hex" come to think of it. Instead, I kept reading that same issue of Yusagi Yojimbo that I had. Religion played no role in that one from what I remember, but he was a bunny, whatever that means.

I'll wrap this one up by saying it's worth a watch. It's not going to blow your mind or anything. It's not one of the better westerns I've seen but it's got a great central character, a disreputable villain, a Jack Black scene, and also Elisabeth Shue's right breast so we know it could be worse. If you don't mind your westerns with lots of close up shots and limited shots of John Ford-ish wide open vistas then this one gets a pass.

Jungleground (1995)

I've been a fan of Roddy Piper ever since I saw him in They Live. If there's a former wrestler out there that has the goods to be a legitimate action star than he is probably the one. He's got a great physical presence along with some adequate charisma and the ability to deliver a good line or two. Unfortunately, hollywood never really saw it the way I do and so he's been forced to work on the outskirts trudging through some pretty awful shit that I am too lazy to look up on imdb and name for you. I did see him in Hell Comes to Frog Town which was a pretty fun post apocalyptic story about the last fertile man on earth or some shit like that. I recommend that one. And, now, I've seen his low budget actioner called Jungleground which takes elements from a picture like Surving The Game (or, The Most Dangerous Game for all you film snobs) and fuses it with the urban gangland aspects of Judgement Night and then surgically removes the entire budget. Anyway, wanted to knock off a quick review or two before I go home for the holidays so here you are. My long anticipated write up for a Roddy Piper picture that no one has heard of and that wasn't even made in the 80s even though it feels like it was.

Jungleground is the kind of picture set in an urban wasteland and likely filmed in Canada somewhere to capture an authentic look and feel of that type of society. There are basically two locations; the east side of a bridge and the west side of that same bridge. I can't remember which side "jungleground" was on but it was probably the bad side. The picture opens with a cocky little pizza delivery boy who doubles as a drug runner for his boss who I guess is named Poppa being sent deep into jungleground to make a delivery. It's his first time so Poppa sends along a hired gun but the poor boy sets off an explosion after ringing the doorbell of a broken down tenement and the hired gun is dispatched by a boy armed with an uzi on roller skates who is named gameshow and thinks he's being clever when he says "the price is your life" (I guess he is referencing "the price is right".) The explosion looked pretty cool anyway.

Roddy Piper plays a police lieutenant named Jake Cornell and he lives on the good side of the river with his artist girlfriend in their spacious loft. He spends most of his time working undercover in jungleground and his scars and traumas from everyday life are what fuels his girlfriend's art which appear to be badly rendered metal sculptures of various nightmarish things indicative of life in the jungleground or so we are told. She's pretty good at what she does though because on this night she is hosting a gala celebrating her art and also some dealer tells her so but later recants and claims it's all shit because she won't sleep with him. This dealer tries to cause a rift between the artist and Piper with a slew of umemorable insults but Piper just responds by saying "I just figure you're like a kid that hasn't been toilet trained yet. He doesn't mean to offend with the load of shit he's been saddled with." That shut the guy up real quick. His artist girlfriend is a real character though because she doesn't accuse Jake of sabotaging her career like most women would in such a picture. She loves him for standing up to the asshole and paraphrases Rachel Ticotin during a nice rooftop scene "grab me now or lose me forever."

Later, some cop named Wilson shows up at the party and it's all downhill from there. Some bad shit is going down at a jungleground bus station and Cornell is needed to oversee a deal, make sure things don't get too fucked up. His job is just to stand by and look inconspicuous (he fails miserably) while a couple of other undercovers broker the deal. I don't know man, this is fucking jungleground. A few white guys (and a lady) pretending to read the paper in the world's most dangerous bus terminal is probably going to stand out. Still, these are not the world's smartest drug dealers so things go okay until one of them decides to pinch the undercover female cop's ass and she unloads a clip into his chest. I think she was new because a seasoned undercover would probably just have laughed off such a gesture, maybe even flashed a little breast with a wink but this cop was into women's lib and shit. Her pride got them all killed except, of course, for Piper who is captured by the gang and given a chance to live. All he has to do is survive the night in jungleground long enough to make it to the other side of the river.

The movie has an interesting view on gangs. The gang is led by a scenery chewing JR Bourne as Odin. His war chief is played by Peter Williams and is named Dragon. Fuck, these guys all have names from some sort of mythology or other; Well, ok, I guess Thor was the only other one. Some other names were Posey, Diesel, and Ferret. So, there is a good old fashioned power struggle taking place between Odin and Dragon. Dragon's mission is to rid jungleground of pushers and to clean up the neighborhood. Odin says that's his mission but he rarely backs it up with action. He has a point. If these guys want to be a self respecting gang they need to bring in the money somehow. In a part of the city even the cops are afraid to enter drugs seems like the logical choice. Things get a bit skewed when Dragon's young brother (the rollerskating gameshow) is accidentaly killed when, while pursuing Piper, he skates up a ramp and into a hanging car engine that knocks him to the ground and then falls on him. Will Dragon blindly seek vengeance on Piper even though he knows it wasn't really his fault and that Piper may be the best remaining chance to clean up jungleground?

I'm trying hard to defend this one but it was really hard to get past the miniscule budget. I mean, Piper is great in this thing but no one else distinguishes themselves and quite a few should be embarrassed by their performances. I think my favorite scene involved a set of gangland twins dispatched by Odin to go to Piper's girlfriends apartment and hold her hostage until dawn at which point they will kill her I guess (or worse). These scenes contain the film's most disturbing sequences as the twins duct taped her mouth and then would torture her by duct taping her nose shut and then only ripping the tape off right before she passed out. This girl, her name was Sam, was a bit resourceful though and devised a semi-brilliant escape plan.

I forgot to mention the picture's biggest set piece involving the trial of Roddy Piper in a scene that reminded me of barter town from that Mad Max Thunderdome picture. Also, Piper is dressed in a toga and Odin addressed the masses from a balcony. It's probably the only time the picture achieved any kind of worthy atmosphere and it didn't even bother me too much that it was ripped off. Fuck, I am going back and forth on this one. This picture does some things pretty well I guess. They take the old tired "hooker with a heart of gold" cliche and, while they don't do much with it, have her take a bullet in the gut while helping Piper. She doesn't die (at least not onscreen) but Piper still leaves the poor, possibly mortally wounded, girl in the company of a bunch of construction workers and apparently these are not the ogling type but i still wonder what happened to the broad. Scene could have turned into one of those disturbing type of gang bang pornos they used to make in the 70s but luckily the director had more class than that I guess.

Also, one of the gang members is a black cowboy that brandishes a pair of six shooters. I like it when movies twist some stereotypes around like that. Unfortunately, his inclusion leads to one of Piper's worst lines when he says "hi ho silver" after dispatching him. Well fuck it, some of this picture is shit and some of it entertained. How much shit can you tolerate I guess is the question of the moment. I can tolerate a lot so there you go. The movie is full of exploding cars, gun battles, and some hand to hand combat type scenes where Piper finally gets to display the moves that originally made him famous. Piper is a brawler in this one. He gets his ass kicked at times but keeps coming back. Please, for the love of god, someone put this guy in a decent picture.

Basket Case 2 (1990)

It's that time of year again. October. Perfect month to review some horror classics. I'd love to be able to do a write-up every day but, let's face it, that's not gonna happen. Every other day is a bit more likely I suppose (if you're lucky). Let's start things off with a sequel to one of the greatest films ever made that isn't called Starship Troopers. Yep, I'm clearly referring to Basket Case. I'm positive you've all seen it by now since I wrote about it this past May. Remember? Duane and his brother Belial, that little basket-living, telepathy loving, burger scarfing, face-ripping blob. 'Member him? When last we saw our heroes, they were hanging for their lives from a sign outside their window at a seedy Times Square hotel. Things were looking pretty bleak. Duane was not a happy camper after his mutant blob-like brother raped his girlfriend to death. It seemed his struggle for normalcy would carry him and his little (stature-wise) bro to their graves.

Well, this picture begins exactly where the first one left off. Duane and Belial fall to the ground below and are whisked away to the hospital. Suddenly, the two brothers find themselves fodder for the tabloids, but luckily Granny Ruth and her...ahem...normal daughter Susan come to the rescue and bring them to their secluded Staten Island mansion. Granny Ruth (long ago, given the tabloid-ascribed name of "Dr. Freak"), has a thing for abnormals. You might say, she's hiding several in her attic. Actually, there's no might about it. In her house you'll find such diverse characters as "man with 27 noses", worm man, half moon, frog boy, huge arthur, toothy, Eve-the Belial loving blob, etc ad nauseum. The creature designs are fantastically grotesque. Why fanboys weren't jizzing over the introduction of the freaks (like they did over that scene in Hellboy 2) as reminiscent of the Mos Eisley Cantina is, well, actually pretty fucking obvious. It's not a cantina first of all. Secondly, I'm not sure any of them saw this movie at the time it came out. Thirdly, no internet. Fourth....lost my train of thought. Anyway, Eve, like Belial is a disgusting blob of a creature, albeit with a much prettier face. In this environment the tables are turned on poor Duane. His brother is now the normal one. Hell, he even forms a fast moving (slow down little guy!) relationship with Eve while Duane sets his sights on Susan and, more importantly to him, escape from this world of freaks and, especially, his overly dependent brother.

This is a great fucking follow up, but I'll be honest. I was not happy that Frank Henelotter abandoned the crappy stop motion that was so charming in the first movie. Here, Belial is realized using animatronics. While I suppose he looks better from an aesthetic point of view, he's lost a bit of that cutsey otherworldliness that made him a bit more sympathetic (hell, he was absolutely endearing) in the first one. Also, he got fucking bigger. He's huge, ripped, stacked. I think he's been working out. The other thing that was a bit distracting was the time frame. This movie starts on the night that part one ended. Yet, part one was filmed nine years earlier. New York City and, in particular, Times Square changed immensely in that time. The cars were different, the marquees were different, the seediness was waning. Still, these are minor flaws which are immediately swept to the back of the mind as soon as we encounter the house of freaks.

The brilliance of this film is evident in the scathing treatment of the tabloids, a move that predates that Mel Gibson picture Paparazzi by over a decade. Kathryn Meisle plays a scum bag reporter named Marcie who discovers the whereabouts of Duane and Belial. They may be wanted for several murders but Marcie could give a shit about that. She's more interested in the seven figures that would come with breaking the story and ruining several lives in the process. Of course, this leads to a great scene where Granny Ruth rallies the troops with a motivational speech (think William Wallace) filled with lines like "the wolves are once again at the door. Our rights are being invaded by sideshow mentality." I was pleased to learn that not all freaks advocate violence when she soothingly tells some that it's ok to sit this one out if you're philosophically opposed to bloodshed. I tried to figure out which ones took a pass. To me, it seemed like they were all in on it. Although, Belial was the only one doing any face ripping really.

Why the hell did it take 9 years to make this sequel? For fucks sake man, it's a great story that needs to be told. Immediately after finishing this one, I added Basket Case 3: The Progeny to my netflix queue and moved it to the front. Part 2 is not quite as trashy as the first one, not nearly as bloody. It actually looks like a real movie with a few dollars behind it. Unfortunately, only a couple nearly obscured breasts, that I could tell, make an appearence. Kevin Van Hentynryck (Duane) has gotten much better as an actor over the years and manages to say most of his lines with a straight face, like this one to the tabloid reporter just before Belial goes all Belial on her: "He figured you could ask him a few questions, get to know him a little bit. Then he could rip your face off. No big deal." This leads to the picture's greatest shock moment.

Not much else to say my friend. Belial gets to have disgustingly sloppy mutant sex with Eve. I thought she grabbed his member at one point, but I'm pretty sure it was just a tumorous mass and it might have been his own hand doing the grabbing. Hard to tell what's going on when a couple of bulbous masses are doing the nasty. Thankfully, for Duane, Belial doesn't feel the need to bone his girlfriend (guess that would be Susan) in this one before Duane gets to have a go at her. I don't think Duane's ever really forgiven the little bastard for that move. He's still dealing with the blue balls that have lingered since that part one debacle. There are a few minor scares, the flash photgraphy scene in an attic full of freaks comes to mind. Annie Ross is terrific as Granny Ruth who, I guess, doubles as a psychiatrist. Belial on the couch elicited a laugh. "I understand your pain Belial, but ripping the faces off of people might not be in your best interest." Of course, the old bitch doesn't really heed her advice to the little guy as she later goes into full ripping-off-faces advocacy mode (at least where the press is involved). Hypocrite.

Amazingly, Duane is able to carry the story (amongst a bunch of freaks). It's good thing for him that Susan is completely normal, right? Think again. She's the biggest freak in the house. Let's just say she's not a virgin, she was knocked up six years ago, and she's yet to give birth. Fuck, I spoiled another one. Happy October you bitches.

The Relic (1997)

I'm sure there's a pretty good monster movie in here somewhere. Unfortunately, I had trouble seeing any of it. Peter Hyam's has made a career out of putting solid b-movie fare on the big screen (2010, Capricorn One, Outland, Timecop, End of Days) while mixing in an occasional complete piece of shit here and there (Sound of Thunder). With this one, I think he wore too many hats (director and cinematographer). Apparently, he's not the best multi-tasker in the business. For several scenes, he forgot to take the lens cap off.

It's a shame because what I heard sounded like a lot of fun. Based on the novel of the same name by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, this is the story of an anthropologist who, while studying a tribe in South America, comes into contact with some bad leaves. "Do not ingest!" the sign said, but since it was covered in mud he didn't notice. The researcher's crates are sent back to Chicago via a large ship that was found derelict in the middle of Lake Michigan with a dead crew on board. One of the crates is empty (hmmm, come to think of it, we might be heading for a Dracula rip off). Well, except for those damned leaves. A little later, a security guard is murdered at the Museum of Natural History (in similar fashion to the crew on the boat) while smoking a joint in the mens room. I think D.A.R.E. maybe helped to finance this picture.

The murder is bad news for the museum since a large gala is scheduled to take place the next night with the mayor and several wealthy benefactors in attendence. Of course, the mayor insists the party must go on, to the chagrin of Detective Vincent "don't call me D'Agostino" D'Agosta (Tom Sizemore). Fortunately, a couple of keystone cops find and shoot a homeless guy in one of the museum's several unlit sub-basements. Clearly, he's the murderer. Case closed. That still doesn't explain how or why he sucked out the hypothalamus from his victim's skulls. Oh well. Anything to get a few hundred rich people trapped in a museum, that goes into lock-down mode the instant something breaks, with a very large beastie that harbors an insatiable appetite.

This picture has most of the elements that should lead to success. A cute, fiery evolutionary biologist, Margo Green, played by Penelope Ann Miller (Where has she been lately? Guess she got old.). There's the grizzled police officer, going through a messy divorce, with the funny lines (Sizemore) who upon finding the dead security guard says "pot's a misdemeanor. Decaptitation seems a bit severe" and also "how the fuck does somebody get custody of a dog?" There's a fantastic setting, the museum, that's second only to space, or perhaps, an underwater lab. Also, there's a pretty cool monster in the rare instance that we actually get to see it. That's the problem with this thing. Every scene is washed in darkness. Even the moments that take place in a lit room are somehow immersed in shadow. The museum has sub-basement upon sub-basement, all pitch black of course, that lead to a tunnel that leads to, coincidentally, the harbor where the derelict ship was towed in to. I mean, this isn't something like Blair Witch or Cloverfield where it's acceptable to drop the camera and treat the audience to a few minutes of ground scenery while the action happens out of view. This is a professional movie for chrissakes. We want to see things like faces, monsters, boobs, etc. Hell, the scene where Penelope takes off her top is so poorly lit that I began to think the whole thing was some sort of joke and I wasn't in on it.

The nature of the creature, and we do learn everything, is completely ridiculous, but that's ok. As long as there are some tense moments accompanied by some bloody kills. One scene, in the sub-basement, completely apes Alien, as a K-9 officer goes off by himself in search of his dog (remember the scene with Harry Dean Stanton going off alone after Ripley's cat?). Unfortunately, I couldn't tell what the fuck was happening so I just flashed back to Alien and imagined it went down the same way. Alien may have been bathed in darkness too, but they used things like emergency lights, beacons, etc to convey the action to the audience. Sure, we didn't see everything. We saw enough. Aliens went infra-red at times to deal with this problem. Not fucking Hyams. I can only think he's a pretty piss poor DP which is why he didn't want us to see what he was shooting.

Still, the movie has it's moments. The creature sounds like it's constantly sucking on an inhaler so I loved the moment when Penelope hides from the sound in the bathroom only to realize it's just the asthmatic cleaning woman. The mass panic that happens at the gala as hundreds of rich bastards flee for the closing doors is a classic bit. Not even sure why they were really running. They didn't even see the monster, just a body. The mayor was portrayed as your classic windbag, when he wasn't bragging about his wife's cleavage. He gives a funny speech where he talks about taking fragile footsteps towards the 21st century or something. One guy in the audience wonders if he's speaking english. I think he just needs a better speechwriter.

I guess Hyams did a great job at concealing what must have been some pretty piss-poor CGI. There are a few ways to hide some bad effects work. One is to shoot in darkness (check!). Another effective method is to add some rain (double check!). As soon as some museum glass breaks, the fire doors come crashing down followed by the sprinklers. Kudos Mr. Hyams. There are a couple nice effects, however. One involves the creature, completely engulfed in flames, chasing after Penelope Ann Miller. The film's top moment comes when a SWAT team drops through the roof one by one and are consumed one by one. The creature itself (created by Stan Winston!) resembles a giant cat crossed with a lizard and has the mouth of a predator. I don't know, I still enjoyed it. Maybe I just had the tint turned way down (or is it up) on my TV. Someday, I'll watch again and try adjusting it. It's strange, but the only thing I'll probably remember about this picture a year from now is the alert setting on Miller's computer (for when a download or analysis is completed). It's the sound of screeching tires, then shattering glass. It was jarring every time I heard it. It goes off at least three times. What the fuck was that about?

Mary Shelly's Frankenstein (1994)

Here's yet another film where all the critics, or at least 61% of them (it scored an absurd 39% on the tomatometer), were wrong. I'm not going to call it a great film, but it's certainly a very good one and features, perhaps, the greatest Robert Deniro performance of the last twenty years. His monster proves to be the most human character of the film.

If you know how to read then you should be familiar with the story. If not (you can read, but you haven't read this), then what the fuck are you waiting for? It's a great fucking novel man. Get on with it! Victor Frankenstein (Brannagh) is not really a man of hard science. As a relatively young man he travels to Ingolstadt to study medecine, but ends up accosting his professors for not teaching the works of long dead kooks, who practiced "witchcraft" and "alchemy". The school tries to teach him to preserve life, but he only wants to create it (apparently not in the biblical sense since his fiance is adopted sister Elizabeth, the sublime Helena Bonham Carter, and as far as I could tell they never once had "relations", i.e. a solid round of boning). Frankenstein falls in with a bit of a kook, an underused John Cleese, who teaches him about the reanimation of dead tissue. Then, the city is attacked by a plague and Cleese is murdered while trying to administer a vaccine. His murderer is hung, Frankenstein procures the body and the rest is, as they say, history.

I loved the reanimation method which involved a tank of amnionic fluid (Frankenstein waiting outside a birthing house while a nurse provides him with a bucket of the stuff in exchange for a few bucks is a classic moment), lightning, and I think some electric eels...or maybe they just stood in for the lightning. Shelly never really delved into the science behind Frankenstein's work, so this has always been open to interpretation. This method seems a bit more scientific than the other film version...or the method used in Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI. This picture is actually a bit too insane at times, a little too kinetic. Brannagh, who doubled as the director, apparently never met a shot he didn't like. If this thing had been edited a little tighter we could be discussing a masterpiece. The Set design is splendid, from the urban plague ridden nightmare of Ingolstadt to the serene aristocratic beauty of Geneva and finally to the frigid arctic, scenes that bookend the film. The scenes in the arctic have a strange beauty and appear shot on a stage which, in a strange old-timey way, enhances the atmosphere. It's no wonder that this is a companion piece of sorts to Bram Stoker's Dracula, another beautifuly shot yet batshit crazy picture, since both are produced by Francis Ford Coppola.

The acting in this picture is, almost across the board, outstanding. I'll just come out and say it though. As an actor, I can't stand Kenneth Brannagh. Luckily, he is ok here, but I can't help but think that if they had cast someone with a bit more range and a bit more legitimately intense (as opposed to simply playing intense which Brannagh does throughout) this picture would be the definitive adaptation. Hell, here's an idea. Reverse the roles played by Aidan Quinn and Brannagh. Quinn plays Captain Robert Walton, an arctic explorer obsessed with the northwest passage. His obsession is clearly used to parallel Frankenstein's. Brannagh I'm sure had his plate full directing the thing, so why not take the smaller, but still pivotal part. Also, Quinn's a better actor all around, so it's a win fucking win. Oh well, they'd never listen to me. Bonham Carter is terrific as Elizabeth, Frankenstein's bride to be and also his sister!!!! She gives her heart to Victor, but his creation, ahem, takes it for himself (great fucking moment).

It's Deniro, however, who ultimately makes this a picture worth watching. This is an oscar quality performance and the best yet portrayal of Frankenstein's abomination. Deniro brings layers to the "monster" never seen before. At one point, he tells Victor "I am full of love and rage. If I don't satisfy one, the other will consume me" or something close to that effect. The film's best scenes occur when Deniro (I don't really feel comfortable calling him a monster and since Frankenstein never gave him a name, we'll just go with Deniro) stumbles upon a farm house towards the start of winter. A poor family lives there, close to starving, unable to harvest their frozen fields. Deniro hides in the pig sty and, while they sleep, picks their crops and chops some firewood. He then watches and learns from them through the cracks in their cabin. Deniro doesn't blindly stumble upon the family like the original movie version would have. He is aware of his appearence, ashamed of his face. Deniro briefly befriends the blind old patriarch, touchingly refers to himself as "ugly", before being beaten away by the son. It's this moment when Deniro decides to seek vengeance for the creation of such a life, vengeance upon his father. Then later, he decides a fuck buddy will suffice ("if I can't have a wedding night, I'll be with you on yours").

That's about it. I personally love this picture and, once again, found a mini-masterpiece in a bargain bin for a mere $3.99. It's certainly not scary, but if you're looking for something with great atmosphere, a tragic anti-hero, a prissy mis-cast overacting Kenneth Brannagh, and a few scenes of shocking over the top gore, then look no further. If, on the other hand, you're looking for nudity, I suggest you rent Bram Stroker's Dracula and jerk off to the Monica Belluci scenes (or the Sadie Frost bangs a beast scene, if you're into that sort of thing). I know I will.

Deep Rising (1998)

Holy crap! This makes three reviews in three days. What the fuck have I been smoking? Well, sweet (wave of contentment rolls over me). You guys'll be lucky if you get another review all month. It'll be good to spend my remaining free nights this month patrolling youporn and the like. Life is good. Actually, know what my secret is? I haven't worked my night job for three straight days. Unless you guys (and gal or two) want to start throwing money at me I'd suggest not getting used to this. It's an anomaly. Well then. On to Deep Rising.

Deep Rising is the story of a luxury liner in the South China Sea and the men who want to rob it. We're told the South China Sea has an underwater mountain range that can hide the himalayas, so we know it's pretty damn big. There's no telling what kind of beasties could be resting down there just waiting to be woken up. Treat Williams (Things to do in Denver When You're Dead) is Finnegan, the captain of a mercenary boat that happens to be transporting another group of mercenaries out to sea. His motto is "if the cash is there, we do not care" which is probably not the best motto to follow if the men you are hiring are armed to the teeth and also transporting what suspiciously looks like a giant torpedo. Last I saw, they don't allow money in the underworld, except to pay the boatman, but he only takes coins and I don't think there's a bank around, nor do I think they brought enough coin rolls. Finnegan's two man crew consists of the fantastic Kevin J. O'Connor as Pantucci and also the cute asian girl, Una Damon as Leila. They're also not big fans of Finnegan's motto, but he pays them, so they go along with it. The armed men they are bringing along to said unknown destination (hint: it's a big fucking boat) are led by Wes Studi and include several recognizable faces (still fodder though); Cliff Curtis, Jason Flemying, and even Djimon Hounsou. Hounsou made another boat movie, about slaves being transported by and dumped off a ship I believe, but this one is more enjoyable.

I want to apologize quickly to Kevin J. O'Connor. Last october, I wrote a review for a film called Flight of the Living Dead. I didn't even mention O'Connor by name. I think I actually referred to him as John Malkovich, or a homeless man's version even. Not only did the joke fall flat, but it was uncalled for. Yeah, I felt he was kinda apeing Malkovich from Con Air, except he had the basic capacity for goodness. In hindsight, I should have realized this guy's actually hysterical and even a somewhat accomplished thespian in his own right. Who gives a shit if he made a shitty movie like Flight...we all make mistakes. Anyway, O'Connor is at least as good, at his best, as Malkovich was in Eragon. I'm not even sure if Malkovich could pull off the following line: "Can you just get asthma? Or, do you have to be born with it?" Just one of several great moments in this picture.

Early on, the action cuts between the mercernary ship and the luxury vessel (known as The Argonautica). The Argonautica is like The Titanic in that it's impregnable and also that only rich folk can have fun on it. Actually, the only poor folk on this voyage are likely working in the galley. Bunch of rich spoiled assholes. The biggest asshole of all on the ship is Canton, gloriously portrayed by Anthony Heald. It's a virtuouso performance. Famke Janssen plays the character onboard with the lamest name, Trillian. Still, she's hot and gets a pass. She's not what she seems, however, as she is basically just an upscale pickpocket. Wait, we see her "working" the room immediately. She's exactly what she seems, except I suspect her chest is even bigger than it looks. Actually, Canton's the one that's not exactly what he seems. Well, yes, he's still an asshole, but he's a bigger one than you originally thought.

Long story short, The Argonautica is disabled by a remote device (hint: Wes Studi). At the same time, the luxury liner picks up something BIG on sonar. Off the charts, man. And, it's not the little piddly diddly mercernary ship captained by Finnegan. Next thing we know, Finnegan and crew arrive at the liner, but by the time they board, it's a ghost ship. Also, since their own ship was damaged along the way, they now have to board the liner, help Studi and his assholes rob the vault, find parts to repair his ship, and avoid being eaten by some giant squid octopus-like killer worm creature(s). Well, this is Moving Picture Trash after all.

If you enjoy something like, say, Deep Blue Sea or Lake Placid, then you're gonna love this one. It's full of excessive gore and good for a few yucks as well. Treat Williams is the blunt everyman ("if this hull is impregnable, then why are my feet wet?"). Janssen plays the feisty female, who unfortunately does not get naked. For all the standing around in water they do, you think she'd take her top off to wring it out at least one time. Heald, as Canton, is a man of contradiction (i.e. poorly written character). When the creature initially attacks the Argonautica, he and a few souls seek refuge in the vault (where all the money is stashed). When Studi and his mercenaries open the vault, Hounsou (the first man inside) takes an axe to the face from a hysterical Heald, who can't stop shouting and crying and being all jittery. Barely ten minutes later, he's calmly admiring the creatures: "The power of these things! It's awesome!" After Hounsou is killed, there is still a token black guy remaining who gets to say this jokey line, "I don't mean to sound like a pussy, but this shit is freaking me out man!", and then get killed.

The picture was reminiscent of The Poseidon Adventure and The Abyss at times, with a small group of people trying to make it through vast overflowing corridors to an exit. Also, these movies all take place in or around water. Only here, the ship wasn't upside down and there was a beast forcing them further below. Here's the low down on the beast(s). They did a solid job with it (them). The creature effects weren't stellar, but for a picture like this, they don't have to be. I want to say it looked good for 1998, but fuck that shit. Starship Troopers came out the same year and it had flawless special effects. These aren't great for today and they're not great for '98 either, but they're adequate. I was confused on one point though. While watching the picture, I assumed all the various worm-things were actually tentacles attached to something much much bigger. Something we'd see later in the bowels of the ship or something. Now, I'm not so sure. (spoiler: We later see something huge, but it's still not clear if all the tentacles are attached or not) How did they move through closed doors and ventilation shafts like that? Small detail. Didn't affect my enjoyment in the least. There are some great scenes of people being eaten, half eaten, or just shit out. One guy is shot out of a tentacle and gets to his feet and starts walking around with half a head. Great effect. My favorite death probably involved my favorite native american character actor who, while being slowly devoured, asks another character for a gun (presumably to put himself out of his misery). His following action is priceless.

This is a great one. I'm really hoping to review something crappy soon. I only wish we got the sequel promised at the end, but I guess that was just some sort of joke. This one was directed by Stephen Sommers who showed a lot of promise here. Unfortunately, he went and mucked it up with the first two Mummies, and a Van Helsing. The best thing he directed after Deep Rising was the underrated Mummy ride at Universal, which I've been on. The line wasn't too bad, which is why I think I dug it (I guess it's no Hulk, Spider-Man, or Dueling Dragons ride). This guy got too ambitious I think and his use of effects didn't really improve. He did prove he can direct an action scene in this one. The jet ski chase through the halls of the luxury liner is top of the line. The characters all give fun performances and the creature looks and behaves as if it's in a B movie. It is. If you can find it, I suggest you make the blind purchase.