It's Hallo-fucking-Ween (a week and a half late): Wrapping it up with some mini-reviews!

Yep, Halloween was a week and a half ago and I'm just finishing this thing up now. No apologies necessary. It's my blog and I don't get paid for this shit. Also, I wasn't around on Halloween and then I just sort of forgot all about it. Also, I don't have any movies fresh in my head to finish this countdown off with. So, instead of the standard shit, you're getting the shorter, less detailed, shit. I may expand on these write ups at some point.

Tourist Trap (1979)
Tourist Trap is just strange. Like Pixar's Cars it's a movie about the death of the small town. The interstate highway system swoops in replacing the old system of routes and..uh...non-interstate highways. Little towns become disconnected from all but the most patient of travelers. Businesses must either relocate or eventually fade into oblivion. One such place is SLAUSEN'S LOST OASIS, an old timey wax museum run by Chuck "The Rifleman" Connors. Still open for business, but failing to get any. Connors (as Mr. Slausen) is forced to be aggressive to drum up customers. Luckily for him, he comes across four teens searching for their friend (the friend's demise is splendidly depicted in the opening scene). By "looking for their friend" I mean skinny dipping in a swimming hole (unfortunately for us, no nudity which is an absolute shame when you consider that Tanya Roberts is one of the teens. Doubly frustrating when you remember that she showed her assets in the PG rated Beastmaster). The teens end up at the tourist trap (car trouble?), admire the wax figures for the life like artistry, drink sodas, get separated, and then slowly picked off one by one. You know the drill. Standard shit, except for several unique touches strewn throughout. You got weird humor, telekinesis, creepy mannequins that seem to come alive, chases through a swamp, and an oddball score. The final freeze frame is hilarious in its bizarreness. A somewhat forgotten oddity that deserves a renaissance.

Kidnapped (1974)
Out of all of Mario Bava's pictures, this is definitely my favorite. It's easily his most modern. Shelved for over twenty years (after Bava died and the studio went bankrupt) it was finally released in the 90s. I've seen two different cuts (Rabid Dogs and Kidnapped) and if they were fresher in my mind I might actually take the time to dissect the differences. What we have here is something completely unlike any of Bava's other works. Gone are the gothic trappings, the supernatural elements, any of that giallo shit we might be used to. Instead, everything is stripped bare. It's like the Bava accoustic album (don't worry, the score is pretty fantastic). It's like Bava watched Last House on the Left and then decided to make something similar while setting the entire thing in a car. Not just any car. A little car. The plot is simple. Four hoods, with names like "Blade" and "Thirty Two" rob a bank and, in the process of getting away (during which their driver is shot and killed), commandeer a new car and take some hostages (a man, a sick child, and a woman). Bava prepares us for the trip by involving the hoods in a standoff with the police where one of the hoods slits a woman's throat to show they mean business. We now realize anything can happen in that car...and anything pretty much does. Their boss attempts to maintain order and, for a while, he's successful. The tension escalates until it becomes nearly unbearable. Bava plays around with identity. The horrors here are real. We even got a scene where a poor woman urinates for her captor's amusement (and if that doesn't sell you on this thing, well, uh....). I was going to mention how this was a clear influence on Reservoir Dogs (at least in part) but according to the imdb it was released five years after Tarantino's film. You'll be disturbed and exhilarated simultaneously. The ending of this mother will shock you.

Chopping Mall (1986)
I'd long considered Chopping Mall as one of my own personal holy grail type films. The kind I'd long heard about but wasn't quite sure if I'd ever get a chance to see it. Basically, I'm lazy since this film really isn't that hard to track down. It's not on NETFLIX but damned if I couldn't find it on AMAZON. Anyway, I found a shitty edition in NEWBURY COMICS for ten bucks and it was totally worth it. A science fiction/horror amalgam filled with humor, references to Roger Corman films (his wife produced this), large naked breasts, and gore. Several horny teens get trapped in a shopping mall. It's a high tech mall with steel doors that slam shut and won't open until morning. Also, there are some security bots roaming around. Actually, they were security bots until a random lightning strike rendered them killbots. Now they're out for blood and also to make sure people "have a nice day". Apparently, the stars of Eating Raoul (unseen by me) have a cameo. As does Dick Miller reprising his role as Walter Paisley (now a beatnick janitor apparently) from Roger Corman's great A Bucket of Blood. The cast of teens are disposable. Thankfully, they are. Disposed of I mean. The funniest moment involves them hanging out in a department store, broken off into couples, as the camera pans across them displayed (on furniture) in various states of fornication. It comes as no surprise that the two nerds of the group are shown platonically sitting on a couch engrossed in a shitty B movie. I want to say "clearly they lived" but I was too drunk to possibly recall such minute details. One girl's got porn star tits, and she shows them. That I remember. The robots are ridiculous looking but they get the job done. If you must, go to youtube and spoil the head shot.

That's all I got time for. Maybe check these out and pretend it's halloween or something.

Quickie(s) In the Back Room

I've been away for a couple of weeks thanks to my piece of shit computer that I refuse (i.e., can't afford) to replace. I've seen a lot of unmemorable shit , but a few things stuck with me. I don't remember enough to do full scale reviews. If you want a "proper" review check out my just finished People Under the Stairs write up below. I just figured that I watch so much shit I don't write about that this might be a decent way to keep track of it all. Perhaps I'll be able to recommend (or not) some of the shit I've waded through.

Hitch-Hike (1977)
David Hess (The Last House on the Left) rapes and murders his way through some Italian desert standing in for the American south west. Actually, Hess hitches a ride with Italian journalist Franco Nero (Django) and his lovely wife, Corinne Clery (The Story of O). The married couple are not happy, he's a drunk and she's a bit of a cold fish. Into their lives comes Hess fresh off a bank robbery and a double cross. Along the way, they encounter the dumbest cops this side of Roscoe and Enis, Hess's jilted partners in slime, a little rape, a little murder, and some good old fashioned 70s misogyny. Mix all this shit together and it doesn't work, right? Somehow, it does.

House on the Edge of the Park (1980)
Here we have another Italian film where David Hess rapes his way through the run time. Unfortunately, this thing is directed by the guy that brought us Cannibal Holocaust. Fortunately, no animals were massacred during the filming of this picture. Hess and his effeminate buddy crash a party hosted by some spoiled rich kids. This being a Hess picture, things get ugly pretty quickly. It's pretty reprehensible stuff, even for me. Girls get naked, girls get raped. Even the attempt at a moralistic ending is completely offset by the idiotic fact that the terrorized kids had a gun hidden within reach the entire time (Hess only had a knife). I almost turned it off when he started slicing the virgin. Hess, as an actor, had some chops. It's a shame I've only seen him in three pictures and he brutalizes women in all of them.

Circle of Iron (1978)
I hoped to review this as a fitting tribute to David Carradine, but then I watched the thing. Carradine stole Kane from Bruce Lee in life and, in death, he stole old blind man, monkey guy, and Arabian douche bag from him (Lee came up with the story hoping it would make him a star). There's not much to recommend here. Jeff Cooper is the statuesque (like a totem pole) star who loses a martial arts tournament (he won, but cheated) and still decides to take the spoils for himself (a chance to face the three trials and, ultimately, fight Zetan (Christopher Lee wandering on set from a completely different movie - Wicker Man, perhaps). Cooper looking all Beastmasterly is a cocky motherfucker who we wish would suffer greatly. And then die. Along the way, he meets David Carradine who plays a blind flute player (a part he plays very well, i might add) and also David Carradine as a guy in monkey costume. Here's a quick aside: Why cast Roddy McDowall in a picture that features a clan of kung fu fighting monkey men and not have him perform feats of ape-fu? Hell, McDowall was totally wasted as the decidedly human overseer of the tournament. The fights are stagy, unimpressive, and also infrequent. Eli Wallach provides the best moment as a guy whose been sitting in a cauldron of oil in the middle of a desert for nearly a decade dissolving his own junk.

Dead Snow (2009)
Here's a Norwegian Zombie picture that rips off (or is it homages?) things like Evil Dead 2, Shaun of the Dead, The Descent, probably even Severance. Some friends go out to an isolated cabin. The twist is it's a mountain cabin and there's snow every where. Old man comes to warn them off, drinks their booze, etc. Nazi zombies attack. People die horribly while the visual jokes abound. The Zombies were creepy and sorta had personalities. I wanted all the characters to die not because they were vile. Because they were all so god damned uninteresting. The fat guy gets screwed by the hottest chick so I guess there's hope for all you fat guys. Too much time spent coming up with ways to reference other, better, movies. Not enough time spent working out the story or creating characters we could give a shit about. The gore is enough to satisfy those that can get through a movie based on splatter alone. The best compliment I can give it is It's not terrible, just extremely ordinary.

The Story of O (1975)
Because I am one perverted mother fucker.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)
Lorenzo Lamas. Debbie Gibson. Mega Shark. Giant Octopus. This thing should fucking write itself. Actually it did. Unfortunately, it's an Asylum production meaning they wrote, cast, shot, and edited the thing in about a week. The best scene is when the shark leaps out of the water and takes out a commercial airliner as it descends to about 10,000 feet (it's in the trailer). Unfortunately, too many scenes of Debbie Gibson and her lover not doing anything remotely arousing; playing with left over re-agent in vials in a science-y type lab, having post-coital chat in the closet, spouting off about pheremones, etc. Lamas was sorta fun as a racist government official. Watch the trailer, skip the movie.

Eaten Alive (1980)
Holy shit. Italians, if we are to belive their movies, have little use for women (except for sex - consensual or not). In this one, a southern belle searches for her sister who was taken in by a Jim Jones style cult somewhere in New Guinea. New Guinea = Cannibals. Full frontal ungroomed nudity abounds. Also, animal killings (maybe it's stock footage, but still, Come on...). The southern girl enlists the aid of an Indiana Jones type to lead her deep into the jungle. He's a decent enough fellow that thinks nothing of slapping her around when she goes all woman-y on him. Despite the title, there ain't much in the way of being eaten alive until the end. Luckily, Indiana Jones knocks out Marian with a wicked right hook before she can bear witness. I don't know whether to recommend this or attend some meetings.