House of Traps (1982)

I'll start off by saying I'm not that familiar with the Shaw Brothers and had no idea who Cheh Chang or his Deadly Venoms were before watching this thing. The way I stumbled upon this one is pretty simple. I was browsing some used DVDs, found House of Traps in a bargain section, read the premise, and bought it blindly. My knowledge of kung fu films is fairly limited. I loved Master of the Flying Guillotine and have great affection for Crippled Masters. I watched several others when I was a kid but can't, for the life of me, remember which ones. Still, I'm always looking to expand my filmatic horizons so it was almost a no brainer to pick this one up for seven bucks. Also, I loved Tarantino's Kill Bill pictures but I'm not sure those count.

Anyway, the premise, as it's written on the back of the DVD case, seemed pretty intriguing: "a team of skilled fighters, unleash their fury in a bloody frenzy when they infiltrate a mysterious, treasure-filled house designed to entrap and destroy all those who enter it."

Unfortunately, there's also a story that's a little too convoluted. We've got an emperor (I think he was slain early on, but not really sure to be honest), we've got a traitorous prince who steals some valuables, a jade horse (reused from Crippled Masters, perhaps), a royal pearl crown, and a list which contains the names of all those loyal to the prince, we've got various fighters (Black Fox, Water Rat, Tunnel Rat, etc), and we've got some pretty tacky costumes (including some rather odd head dresses).

The prince stashes the stolen treasure inside his house (the one from the title). Early on, there's a scene where an accomplished kung fu fighter breaks into the house and dies a pretty quick death. The house is a wonderful creation. Upon entering, you face several of the prince's guards who come out of secret passage ways. If you prove to be more than a match for them, they retreat as cage walls slam down barring your escape. Suddenly, the floor lowers to reveal row after row of spikes. Clearly the only move is to jump onto the central staircase. Unfortunately, the staircase turns into a slide and if you're not quick enough you'll fall onto the spikes. If you're quick enough to evade the trick staircase (this first guy ain't) you become trapped in some net thing that binds you while the prince's men come back out and fill you full of arrows. That's just the first floor.

So, we got a great premise here for a film. It's like a fucking video game. Unfortunately, in this case, they treat the thing like Jaws and rarely show it (a little at the beginning, a little in the middle, and then a lot more for the finale). I was hoping for a story where a few kung fu fighters get trapped in the house and then spend the entire movie trying to fight their way out. What we got instead is a story involving that corrupt prince, some magistrate guy, lots of talking, and not one single woman in the entire picture. Sure, there were some pretty cool characters. I loved the Black Fox who was a bit of a comedian and started off working for the evil prince but it turned out he was just playing him for a pauper or whatever. Also, he was the best fighter of the bunch.

Lots of unique weapons in this thing as well. I particularly liked the umbrella that doubled as a drill. Liked the grappling fist and also the standard metal pole. Some weird nunchuckas work their way into the mix as well. This thing was a little too light on the fights but they were all masterful. The choreography in this picture is incredibly impressive and makes a viewing more than worth it (also, the house). It's like a ballet only I was watching it. It's easy to see how this Chang guy (and his venoms) probably had an influence on Kill Bill. Apparently, this is the last of the venom films and also the rarest. Not sure if what I saw was complete or not. To be honest, I wouldn't mind losing some of the dialogue. Perhaps, the footage with the women was permanently lost? The lack of budget is evident in the minimal sets but really wasn't a problem. I don't know, I'll definitely check out more from this Chang guy. House of Traps is pretty good, but I'm not sure it's the place to start.

Quickie(s) In the Back Room

I've been away for a couple of weeks thanks to my piece of shit computer that I refuse (i.e., can't afford) to replace. I've seen a lot of unmemorable shit , but a few things stuck with me. I don't remember enough to do full scale reviews. If you want a "proper" review check out my just finished People Under the Stairs write up below. I just figured that I watch so much shit I don't write about that this might be a decent way to keep track of it all. Perhaps I'll be able to recommend (or not) some of the shit I've waded through.

Hitch-Hike (1977)
David Hess (The Last House on the Left) rapes and murders his way through some Italian desert standing in for the American south west. Actually, Hess hitches a ride with Italian journalist Franco Nero (Django) and his lovely wife, Corinne Clery (The Story of O). The married couple are not happy, he's a drunk and she's a bit of a cold fish. Into their lives comes Hess fresh off a bank robbery and a double cross. Along the way, they encounter the dumbest cops this side of Roscoe and Enis, Hess's jilted partners in slime, a little rape, a little murder, and some good old fashioned 70s misogyny. Mix all this shit together and it doesn't work, right? Somehow, it does.

House on the Edge of the Park (1980)
Here we have another Italian film where David Hess rapes his way through the run time. Unfortunately, this thing is directed by the guy that brought us Cannibal Holocaust. Fortunately, no animals were massacred during the filming of this picture. Hess and his effeminate buddy crash a party hosted by some spoiled rich kids. This being a Hess picture, things get ugly pretty quickly. It's pretty reprehensible stuff, even for me. Girls get naked, girls get raped. Even the attempt at a moralistic ending is completely offset by the idiotic fact that the terrorized kids had a gun hidden within reach the entire time (Hess only had a knife). I almost turned it off when he started slicing the virgin. Hess, as an actor, had some chops. It's a shame I've only seen him in three pictures and he brutalizes women in all of them.

Circle of Iron (1978)
I hoped to review this as a fitting tribute to David Carradine, but then I watched the thing. Carradine stole Kane from Bruce Lee in life and, in death, he stole old blind man, monkey guy, and Arabian douche bag from him (Lee came up with the story hoping it would make him a star). There's not much to recommend here. Jeff Cooper is the statuesque (like a totem pole) star who loses a martial arts tournament (he won, but cheated) and still decides to take the spoils for himself (a chance to face the three trials and, ultimately, fight Zetan (Christopher Lee wandering on set from a completely different movie - Wicker Man, perhaps). Cooper looking all Beastmasterly is a cocky motherfucker who we wish would suffer greatly. And then die. Along the way, he meets David Carradine who plays a blind flute player (a part he plays very well, i might add) and also David Carradine as a guy in monkey costume. Here's a quick aside: Why cast Roddy McDowall in a picture that features a clan of kung fu fighting monkey men and not have him perform feats of ape-fu? Hell, McDowall was totally wasted as the decidedly human overseer of the tournament. The fights are stagy, unimpressive, and also infrequent. Eli Wallach provides the best moment as a guy whose been sitting in a cauldron of oil in the middle of a desert for nearly a decade dissolving his own junk.

Dead Snow (2009)
Here's a Norwegian Zombie picture that rips off (or is it homages?) things like Evil Dead 2, Shaun of the Dead, The Descent, probably even Severance. Some friends go out to an isolated cabin. The twist is it's a mountain cabin and there's snow every where. Old man comes to warn them off, drinks their booze, etc. Nazi zombies attack. People die horribly while the visual jokes abound. The Zombies were creepy and sorta had personalities. I wanted all the characters to die not because they were vile. Because they were all so god damned uninteresting. The fat guy gets screwed by the hottest chick so I guess there's hope for all you fat guys. Too much time spent coming up with ways to reference other, better, movies. Not enough time spent working out the story or creating characters we could give a shit about. The gore is enough to satisfy those that can get through a movie based on splatter alone. The best compliment I can give it is It's not terrible, just extremely ordinary.

The Story of O (1975)
Because I am one perverted mother fucker.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)
Lorenzo Lamas. Debbie Gibson. Mega Shark. Giant Octopus. This thing should fucking write itself. Actually it did. Unfortunately, it's an Asylum production meaning they wrote, cast, shot, and edited the thing in about a week. The best scene is when the shark leaps out of the water and takes out a commercial airliner as it descends to about 10,000 feet (it's in the trailer). Unfortunately, too many scenes of Debbie Gibson and her lover not doing anything remotely arousing; playing with left over re-agent in vials in a science-y type lab, having post-coital chat in the closet, spouting off about pheremones, etc. Lamas was sorta fun as a racist government official. Watch the trailer, skip the movie.

Eaten Alive (1980)
Holy shit. Italians, if we are to belive their movies, have little use for women (except for sex - consensual or not). In this one, a southern belle searches for her sister who was taken in by a Jim Jones style cult somewhere in New Guinea. New Guinea = Cannibals. Full frontal ungroomed nudity abounds. Also, animal killings (maybe it's stock footage, but still, Come on...). The southern girl enlists the aid of an Indiana Jones type to lead her deep into the jungle. He's a decent enough fellow that thinks nothing of slapping her around when she goes all woman-y on him. Despite the title, there ain't much in the way of being eaten alive until the end. Luckily, Indiana Jones knocks out Marian with a wicked right hook before she can bear witness. I don't know whether to recommend this or attend some meetings.

Kickboxer (1989)

Here's a typical film scenario courtesy of "the muscles from Brussels": Man (JCVD) travels to foreign land (in this case, accompanying his kickboxing legend moustachioued douchebag brother) for martial arts tournament. Brother destroyed by local legend. Man swears vengeance, appears in way over his head. Man gets ass handed to him for most of the final fight. Man comes back from near death to win bout with a bunch of slow-mo, repeated blows while seemingly unbeatable foe suddenly forgets how to block punches or...um...fight altogether. Man doesn't get laid during film's runtime. Ok, I think I probably missed/added some things but you get the gist. This picture, Kickboxer, is run of the mill. It's also the gayest thing Van Damme's ever done.

The movie centers around a couple of brothers that are clearly pining for each other's balls. Eric Sloane (Dennis Alexio) is some kind of kickboxing champion. The picture opens with him kicking ass across, what can only be, minor circuits. The first thing that tipped me off to his gayness was the Gold's Gym muscle shirt. The second thing was the moustache. Still, he's a pretty solid fighter and this becomes more clear when we realize the guy manning his corner is Jean Claude Van Damme (playing Kurt Sloane). These guys have had it with their current, lack of, competition and so they pack their bags for Bangkok, Thailand to challenge the current Thai champion known as Tong Po. Before the fight we get a nice little montage of the two brothers touring the city, arm in arm, as a sweet little 80's ballad serenades us. Eric eventually retreats to the hotel with a couple of hookers as his brother sorta just shrugs off his closeted ways. Later, the fight takes place and Eric is paralyzed barely a round into the thing ("these guys use their elbows!"). Stubborn son of a bitch should have listened to his brother who ran into Tong Po earlier knocking down cement beams with his shins. Oh well, live and learn I guess.

Of course without the back breaking, we wouldn't really have a movie or, at least, not a very good one (we still don't). Kurt vows to avenge his brothers crippling (at least now when Eric can't get it up for chicks he'll have an excuse) and journeys to a more forested region of Thailand to train with "Muay Thai" legend, Xian Chow (Dennis Chan). Along the way, Kurt meets a girl, deals with some Thai mobsters, and of course has a training montage (a nifty way to keep movies from exceeding months in length). Suddenly he's better than his brother ever was (as if that's hard to believe). He's more than ready to face Tong Po. If only Kiki, Chow's dog, was as confident as Kurt was ("someday, Kiki will believe in me.").

This is one of those movies that starts off shitty but by the time Kurt and Tong Po are facing off with fists wrapped in cloth, dipped in resin and covered with glass, you are completely won over and then the movie keeps going and just becomes pretty shitty all over again. Nothing about this picture is believable. First of all, no way was Eric ever a better fighter than Kurt. No way would that girl show any interest in Kurt. And, for fuck's sake, are we really supposed to believe that Eric and Kurt are american brothers. In Kurt's defense he does claim they are originally from Belgium. Eric just took the better ESL program I guess.

The final battle is interesting. Thai mobsters capture Eric before the fight and let Kurt know that he has to suffer through every round or his brother will suffer a horrible death. So, it's up to Xian Chow and Winston Taylor (Vietnam vet living in Bangkok that befriends JCVD. I think he's working as a pimp.) to rescue the brother before Tong's punishment becomes too much for Kurt to endure. Tong is relentless. He's also a rapist apparently since he chastises Kurt after one particularly brutal round with the following line: "You bleed like Mylee (Kurt's girl, duh). Mylee....Goooooood fuck." Then he whipped his ponytail around and licked his lips. Tong Po, like the majority of Thai's portrayed in this movie, is pyschotic.

I won't spoil what happens but let's just say that once Kurt sees Eric sitting with the audience, as comfortably as one can be in a wheelchair, that Tong Po doesn't stand a chance. Oh wait, I just spoiled it! This was also the moment when I realized that I hate the way all Jean Claude Van Damme pictures end. So, clearly Tong Po was never a match for the guy. Kurt was near death, guts dripping out of his stomach, glass embedded in his skull, etc. We know he endured this for his brother. Still, wouldn't he be a bit out of sorts from things like blood loss, for instance? Ok, I get it, it's a fucking movie. Also, why doesn't Van Damme have the confidence in his abilities to cut most of his fights in real time? Why do we have to see him do that double punch, or that Jump kick, three times and in slow motion? It completely takes you out of the picture. I fucking can't stand the way his fights are cut. Suddenly, I realized what I was watching wasn't a fight, but masturbation.

Oh well, he can't win them all I guess. Bloodsport suffers from the same technical issues. It's still a much better film. Cyborg isn't bad even though it's directed by Albert Pyum. Jean Claude, I think, just lacked the scripts and charisma, albeit limited charisma, that make Steven Seagal pictures such a pleasure. Anyway, Kickboxer works on a simple level. It's not transcendent, or even good. It's pretty bad. Mostly, it just is.

Movie Wars Volume II: Invasion U.S.A. vs Revenge of the Ninja

A while ago I started this series called "Movie Wars" where I take a look at two pictures, have them duke it out, and see which one is left standing. Well, in this case, I figured it would be great to apply this to the current month (or two) where I review 80s action cinema. Also, I watched both of these pictures over a week ago and didn't really feel like doing a full review for either one.

Nostalgia is a fucking bitch. I loved both of these films when I was a kid and had not revisited them since. 9 times out of 10 when I rewatch a childhood treasure I'm disappointed. Anyway, let's take a look at the carnage, shall we?

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

As a kid I pretty much only wanted to grow up to be one thing: A fucking ninja. I bought the magazines, I made a wooden sword in my friend's Dad's workshop, I honed my "skills" in the backyard. I was stealthy, quick, daring. I'd climb trees and sit on the top for hours, biding my time. I'd practice hiding in plain sight. Most of all though, I devoured any and all ninja films I could get my hands on. American Ninja I-II, Ninja Wars, um...not much else. Those movies were fine I suppose. American Ninja pissed me off because it was about an...um...american ninja. Michael Dudikoff was just some douchey white guy. The only real ninja, as far as I was concerned, was Sho Kosugi. This guy was good enough to be on a poster occupying prime real estate on my bedroom wall. And, he was Japanese.

To be honest, my days of being a ninja, or caring about them, are long gone. I am pretty sure I would look ridiculous if I were to put on one of those all black suits. Since I'm a white guy tradition might dictate I wear a white suit. I'd look pretty silly skulking around the city ambushing petty criminals and their bosses. I've never taken a martial arts course in my life so my ass would probably be handed to me unless I had one of those smoke bombs handy to make a speedy getaway. What kind of ninja would I be if I attacked and ran all the time. Not a very good one is the likely answer. Certainly no Sho Kosugi is the even more obvious answer.

Revenge of the Ninja is the middle film of a ninja trilogy (all three starring Kosugi). Enter the Ninja led things off and Ninja III: The Domination concluded things. It's really just a thematic trilogy though since Sho's character was decaptiated (spoiler alert!) at the end of the first one by some douchey white guy no less (Franco Nero!). My memory of Ninja III, however, is a bit more cloudy. There was a white female possessed by some evil ninja I think and then also a massacre at a police officer's funeral or some shit like that and I don't even remember how Sho Kosugi fit into the cast. If it was half as good as Revenge of the Ninja then I will say it was pretty good.

This one is fun even if it is far less than great, which puts it several notches below how I remembered it. Here's a warning to all you "kids": Do not revisit childhood masterpieces. No good can ever come from it. Anyway, the story is simple. Kosugi is living a peaceful life in Japan with his family, etc. For some reason, while he is away of course, some evil ninjas attack his little idyllic countryside home and slaughter most of his family. Kosugi arrives too late and kills off the evil assassins. He's peturbed to learn that his wife and son are dead though. Thankfully, he's got another son who survived. Also, his grandma made it through ok, but that is little consolation. Sho quickly retires from ninja-ing and moves to California (with his surviving son and grandma) to sell Dolls on the advice of his white friend with the sinister evil ninja-like name, Braden (Arthur Roberts).

Braden, as it turns out, isn't really Sho's friend and proves it by smuggling heroin into the country using Sho's dolls. Also, Braden puts on black ninja garb and conceals his eyes using a silver mask and kills the grandma after the plot is revealed. This is another clue that Braden isn't really Sho's friend. Braden also tries to kill Sho's son (ably played by Kane Kosugi) but that little guys exhibits some ninja-like qualities himself and is able to escape. The movie is one fight scene after another bridged together with scenes or minimal character development. Friends are made, friends are betrayed, friends are killed. Even the mafia gets involved. Let's face it, no one is watching this thing for the characterizations. It's all about the fights and these are terrific. Sho Kosugi deserved some of the fame bestowed upon Jackie Chan because this guy is amazing.

The scene that sold him as a legitimate martial artist was the one where some mob guys break into his gallery to steal some dolls (heroin). Kosugi refuses to give up even after having been beaten to a pulp. He's dragged by their van Indiana Jones style at one point. The stunt work was terrific. His final battle with Braden (both in ninja garb) takes place on the top of a skyscraper and is fantastic. It culminates with that old Japanese standard, arterial spray. I think this picture could have used some more of that.

I actually think, as great as Sho Kosugi is, this picture is worth watching for the performance of his son, Kane. This kid takes on an army of bullies and holds his own. He evades capture and certain death by Braden and, at one point, kicks the shit out of a sumo wrestler. He's like 3 feet tall and 40 pounds. Oh, and the movie also features the requisite boobies and was directed by Sam Firstenberg who would never be better than he is here (American Ninja and American Samurai). The only thing this picture was lacking was Steve James.


Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

I used to think this was the definitive Chuck Norris picture. Fuck man, was I wrong. This is a piece of god awful shit. I guess the definitive Norris picture has to be Braddock: Missing in Action II. The movie starts out well enough. Terrorists, from every middle eastern nation (and maybe Cuba), invade the country from the sea and start committing random acts of violence. They shoot up suburbia on Christmas eve, take out a hot dog stand, shoot up a mall, attempt to blow up a school bus full of kids. Basically, anything that is quintessentially American, these fuckers want to destroy.

Ok, I'm not really sure if they were middle eastern or not. I'm an american so, to me, all foreigners with tan looking skin look alike. I am pretty sure that their leader was some soviet douchebag played by Richard Lynch. And, Chuck Norris is in it playing ex-CIA or ex-Special Forces. He's retired and living in the everglades wrassling gator's and stuff but comes out of retirement when these guys kill his best friend. Like all 80's action heros Norris "works alone" and has a silly name like Mike Hunter or Matt Hamster. Norris slips on his blue jeans (it's about a 3 hour process), puts on his denim shirt and straps on a couple of uzis. Then he spends the rest of the picture miraculously appearing whenever the terrorists are about to shit on another american treasure like church and says things like "didn't work, huh? now it will" as he drops the bomb into the hands of some dumbfounded terrorists that were about to blow up that church and were wondering why the detonator didn't work. It didn't work because Norris cut the wires and then reattached them as the punchline to his joke.

I don't know, I used to love Chuck Norris but he lost a little bit in my eyes when he started stumping for that guy Mike Huckabee. I thought Norris was unbeatable but his guy didn't even make it past the primaries so the lustre is starting to wear off. Also, I can only take so much of people that wear american flags on their shirts, a symbol I used to admire but has since come to represent things like anti-choice and also things like evolution is for fags. I still think the guy is a pretty good fighter and a champion and stuff like that but I also wish he had a few more brain cells. I guess Bruce Lee knocked them all out. At least his tears can cure cancer. It's just too bad he never cries. Maybe that's why he is anti-stem cell. He is just waiting for the day when someone makes him cry and then he can say "look guys I can cure cancer. We can continue letting those aborted fetuses go to waste. Here are some tears I cried while watching Beaches last night. I bottled them for y'all. Also, here is some sperm free of charge. Please....take it."

Invasion U.S.A. is a relic. We'll never see another one like it. It's weird since the politics in this thing are all skewed. Here we have a typical right wing tale of one man who must stand against an invading force to protect religion and hot dogs and yet the only reason that invading force was able to make it into the country is because the current administration (also right leaning) didn't really have an eye on our own borders. What the hell am I to believe? I think vigilantism is probably the way to go. In Norris' defense, it's hard to argue that two rights can make a wrong so what the hell do I know. Politics aside, this picture blows.

Final Thoughts

Ninja star to the eye, Norris and his piece of shit movie fall to the mat. His sperm is still usable, so there is that.

Master of the Flying Guillotine (1975)

I don't know, I guess maybe I like my kung fu warriors to be crippled. It just makes things more fun that way. Here we have a masterpiece of 1970s Hong Kong Kung Fu cinema, where the main battle is between a one armed boxer and a 97 year old blind monk. It'll have to do.

Kam Kang stars as the old monk, Wu Chi, and master of China's most feared weapon, the flying guillotine. Basically, it's a hat with retractable blades attached to a chain. It lands on a head, the chain is yanked and the head comes clean off. It's the early 18th century and the Ming dynasty has been replaced by the Ching dynasty (I think). Wu Chi is a servant to the latter and has been contracted to root out and destroy all remaining Ming loyalists. I guess there was a previous movie, simply called The One Armed Boxer, where two Wu Chi disciples were destroyed by Ti Lung (Wu Yang, who also directed), uh...the one armed boxer. In the beginning of this story, Wu Chi is practicing with his hat of death when a carrier pigeon arrives bearing a message from his disciples. Apparently, one brail chinese character is all it takes for Wu Chi to learn that his two men went into battle against the one armed man, knowing it was certain death. They ask for vengeance. At this point, Wu Chi used his guillotine on a rooster, in anger, and it ran around the yard with no head for a while. Then he threw a grenade at his home and ran off to avenge his boys. Cue the funkiest title sequences I've seen in a while that actually gives this picture two separate titles; Master of the Flying Guillotine and The One Armed Boxer Vs. The Flying Guillotine. We're off to a fucking rousing start.

The picture then takes us to some town in China, forgive me if I didn't catch any of the names, where a Kung Fu tournament is about to begin. Ti Lung runs a kung fu school in the town and is reluctant to join. Fighters come from all over, even India and Japan, to compete in matches that often result in death. The tournament scenes were some of my favorite in the picture and featured riveting fights between such styles as eagle claw, monkey fist, snake charmer, some Japanese style, Indian yoga style, etc. My favorite was the Indian guy who could stretch out his arms for some reason (apparently, India has a gamma radiation problem or something) and choke his victims from far away. I'm not really sure how that's an advantage but, I guess if you're opponent isn't very good it could work. Against a guy like Ti Lung, it just gets you thrown against a wall. So, yeah, loved the tournament scenes which reminded me of Bloodsport and, strangely enough, The Quick and the Dead, except in this movie, the Gene Hackman character isn't too evil and he's disposed of rather quickly.

Wu Chi is one fucking old bastard. He shows up in typical fashion by killing a drunken homeless guy with his weapon just because he happens to have one arm. Then the old fuck proclaims, to a full bar, "I will kill anyone I come across that has one arm". It's a little jarring actually just how terrible a guy he is. One of the tournament fights involves a one armed guy (not the hero, again) and after Mr. One-Arm (his actual name) wins, Wu Chi jumps onto the field of play, decapitates the poor guy (some victory prize) and then kills the tourney president and wounds his daughter. I actually set myself up to like this guy, but those feelings have long since fled. In the beginning, we were manipulated to maybe root for Wu a little bit and against Lung, who after all, killed Wu's disciples. Usually, revenge tales are told from the side of good, so I actually enjoyed how they turned this one around on us a bit.

I'm positive Tarantino is a fan of this picture, although I couldn't tell where he might have referenced it in Kill Bill. Possibly the largely electronic score, which is a joy to behold. The dubbing on the DVD I watched was fine, except that, for no apparent reason, it was constantly switching to Chinese with subtitles every ten minutes or so. It became a bit annoying. If you've ever seen a Kung Fu movie, you know what to expect as far as sound effects: Lots of "whoosh whooshing" and the sound of bamboo poles hitting each other. The picture quality was much better than I expected with only a few instances of discoloration or grain. This is probably as good as this one's ever going to look.

The fight scenes are, with few exceptions, outstanding. A couple of the tournament fights could have been trimmed all together (the ones that were shot slowly to mask a lack of ability I'm sure). There's a great fight in a burning hut with a metal floor, where one of the combatants ends up frying like a strip of bacon on a skillet. The last fight between Wu Chi and Li Tung is fabulous. It begins outside of town and continues in a cave, through the town, and into a coffin shop! The end result made me laugh.

I would never have watched this if it weren't for my recent viewing of Machine Girl where another bastard character employs the flying guillotine. I think I need more Kung Fu in my diet. I just devoured this picture and I'm already hungry for more (barely ten minutes later)!

The Machine Girl (2008)

This is a picture that's so damned near perfect, it's almost impossible to write a review that doesn't sound like I'm jerking off. So, I'll just keep the thing as short as possible. Let me just start by saying it's about fucking time the Japanese made a movie that didn't involve some sort of spirit left behind due to a traumatic death that somehow made it evil. I'm sick of the fucking genre and the sub genre they gave birth to; i.e., their american remakes. Machine Girl is a movie that wears it's influences proudly upon its tattered sleeve; Army of Darkness, Dead Alive, several ninja movies too numerous to name. Apparently, it even features a couple of Japanese porn stars in the lead roles (and they don't get naked!). I fucking loved every second of it.

The plot is fairly simple. Ami Hyuga (porn star Asami) is a teen aged school girl forced into caring for her younger brother Yu after their parents were falsely implicated in a murder and committed suicide. Yu is like every kid that spends his free time playing videogames. He gets picked on ceaselessly. In this case, the bully is the son of a Yakuza ninja. On one unfortunate day, Yu and his buddy Takeshi are attacked in a parking garage and thrown from the roof to their deaths. Ami is too late to save him. Now, the last remnants of her family destroyed, she vows revenge. The first attempt doesn't go so well. Ami is captured by the bully's sadistic family and tortured by his mother and father. Now, minus an arm, she manages to escape and collapses by the auto repair shop run by Takeshi's parents. Nursed back to health, and with a prosthetic limb in the form of a machine gun, Ami can seek her ultimate vengeance.

This picture is insane. The villains are despicable. The Yakuza head forces a chef to cut off his own fingers after fucking up his tempura at one point. His wife chastises him for being "too soft" and makes the guy eat his fingers as well. The violence is so far over the top that it's clearly not meant to be taken seriously. The Lone Wolf & Cub series of the 70s appears to be an influence here as geysers and geysers of arterial spray flood the screen in nearly every other shot. At one point, a head is split down the middle and appears to bloom as a flower (a possible lift from Baby Cart at the River Styx). There's a fucked up scene where the Yakuza bust into the house of Ami's friend, Yoshi. The following brief exchange takes place:

Yakuza boss: Where's Ami?
Yoshi: I don't know!
Yakuza boss stabs her in the head, arterial spray, she's dead, etc.
Yakuza boss (to his henchmen): Ok, you guys can have some fun with her. It's not often you get to plug a flower before it has bloomed.
Henchmen begin to disrobe.

Uh, ok, perhaps something was lost in the translation. Anyway, fucking awesome interrogation technique man. How can I enroll in the Yakuza school of gathering information through torture?

This is a message film through and through. It's ok to kill in the name of revenge. As Asami tells her mechanic friend (I couldn't find her name in my notes, but I did learn she's another porn star) "if you can think of a good way to get revenge without killing people, let me know." Living well is a fucking awful method of revenge. Same thing goes for that old klingon proverb. Revenge is a dish best served with gobs and gobs of warm pulsating blood and viscera.

I'm not sure how Ami became such an accomplished fighter, but luckily this movie provides a brief montage to fill in some of those gaps. There's a fantastic fight scene at the garage when Ami and her new friends are attacked by a squad of high school ninjas. The battle features lots of gaping holes and blood spray (like most every battle in this film). Unfortunately for Ami, she didn't count on the families of the now slain ninjas later seeking vengeance upon her. See, it's a vicious cycle, this violence. Best kill every fucking one.

The final battle takes place at the Yakuza compound and features a grappling decapitator (aka "the flying guillotine" aka "the executioner's blade") as well as a pretty damned sexy drill bra. You read that right. The school bully that murdered Ami's brother employs a human shield of nerds at one point and justifies it by saying "a ninja does what he must to survive." The climax is brilliant (let's just say it involves something becoming electrified in nerd pee). The whole picture is brilliant. Yes, they overused what was, at times, some pretty mediocre CGI. Yeah, I watched the dubbed version which, in my opinion, served to enhance the comic book flair. It's also available in subtitles but I was too lazy to read the night I watched it. Sure, one of the characters loses a leg and replaces it with a chainsaw (wait, that's a positive). This thing is so amazing that I can't possibly continue this review. I'm spent.

Blind Fury (1989)

First of all, a word about the poster (above). I don't like it. Way too much emphasis on the humor. Oh sure, the movie has plenty of humor (it's about a blind guy for fuck's sake), but the story, at its core, is deadly serious. I mean, yeah, sure there are scenes where Rutger Hauer, as blind swordsman Nick Parker, is fed a rock and told it's candy. Of course there's a scene where he drives a speeding van through Reno and another scene where the dealer tries to cheat him at the roulette table. Actually, several scenes are chock full of blind humor. Still, that poster is way too 80s for me. I require something a little more iconic for a film where a kid's mom (the blind looking Meg Foster) is murdered in the first ten minutes and so Nick Parker takes it upon himself to blindly transport the brat from Miami to Reno and reunite him with his father, who just happens to be Hauer's pal from vietnam. All the while, eluding hit man Randall "Tex" Cobb! No way is this a comedy.

This is one of Hauer's best roles. As Nick Parker, he's funny, good with a sword, and also blind. Convincingly blind. I think they gave him the contacts that Meg Foster wears. I hate when they make a movie about a blind guy and just hide his eyes behind sunglasses. This is one of the only pictures I can think of that actually starts off with a training montage. Parker is injured in Vietnam by an explosion that leaves him scarred and blinded. He's rescued by some friendly villagers who, besides nursing him back to health, teach him the way of the sword. Before we can say "Zatoichi" he's quartering four small airborne mellons in an instant. I didn't realize villagers in Vietnam War-era Nam were this accomodating. I loved how, instead of teaching the blind white foreign guy to work the fields or mend their straw huts, they teach him to become deadly proficient with a blade. It made me wonder if the villagers were blind as well. Cut to "20 years later" and Nick is back from the war, spending some quality time in a Miami dive bar. A few hooligans come up to him as he's eating his burrito with the friendly suggestion that he pour some hot sauce (i.e. the whole bottle) on it..."not bad. A little too mild for me. How about something a little more macho?" Then he "accidentaly" beats the shit out of them with his cane, issuing an apology with every thump.

In 'Nam, Parker served with a fellow named Deveraux (Terry O'Quinn aka John Locke of "Lost") and he decides to seek him out. Unbeknownst to him, Deveraux is currently being forced to produce a new drug out in Reno by some Mob Kingpin named MacCready (Noble Willingham). MacCready, for insurance purposes, sends his #1 guy Slag (Cobb) to kidnap Deveraux's wife and son. Unfortunately, for them, they arrive at the same time as Parker and a pretty great fight scene is the result. A couple lopped off limbs, some naughty words, and one dead Meg Foster later and Parker is off to Reno with young Billy (Brandon Call) to seek out the boy's father.

This kid, Billy, is a fucking little brat. He introduces himself to Parker with a middle finger and later, upon boarding a bus, tells him "I got the window seat, you don't need it." Along the way, they encounter mercenaries, more "Tex" Cobb, and several rednecks trying to impede their progress. Parker even cuts a dragonfly in half to impress some yahoos. It all culminates with a few fun encounters in Reno, followed by an epic battle atop Winterhaven, aka "Donner Pass". Actually, the end disappointed the shit out of me. Well, not really the end (as a whole), so much as the final battle. When I first saw this movie, upon release, it was because of Sho Kosugi not Rutger Hauer. Kosugi is that great martial artist you may remember from Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja III: The Domination, Pray for Death and, of course, Nine Deaths of the Ninja. Ok, so the guy was type cast throughout his brief movie career. As a ninja. Still, you can't have him billed in a movie and then show up at the end with no lines (other than the requisite ninja yell) and wearing a fucking suit! Put him in god damned ninja garb, that's all I fucking ask. And, for fuck's sake...please, for the love of Christ, do not give him a humiliating death in an electrified hot tub. They fucked it up. The finale of this thing left a mildly putrid taste in my mouth. At least Cobb got to go out like a man. I don't think Philip Noyce likes ninjas, or even knows what one is.

Oh yeah, almost forgot, this thing is directed by Philip Noyce. Noyce is known for directing one of my favorite Billy Zane movies of all time (Dead Calm) before moving on to bigger and better things; this thing, the best Jack Ryan movie, and the worst, Sliver, along with Rabbit Proof Fence, and The Quiet American. I'm just kidding, this "thing" isn't really a thing. It's actually a picture (or, dare I say, a film) and a pretty good one at that. There are certainly worse ways to spend 90 minutes. You want to know how I knew this was a good one? I can't even remember if there were any tits or not. I want to say yes, towards the end (there are always tits in Reno, right?), but I'm not sure. That's a sign of a good picture (not the lack of tits, mind you, but the lack of remembering if they're were some in the picture. Too fucking involved with the story, I guess). Another sign of a good picture? Some great lines. Like, when one of the bad guys comments on a machine gunned Gondola (long story) at the end: "That things got more holes than my daddy's rubber." Or, when Parker is billed as a "walking advertisement for hiring the handicapped" by the smarmy Willingham. Or, when Parker slices off a guy's eyebrows and follows that up with "I also do circumcision".

This is a fun one. See it for the fights and the blind humor (it's ok, because Hauer isn't really blind see. Or, should that be the other way around?). Yeah, I know, there's a little kid in this one which usually leads to some, unfortunately, tender moments like "i'm sorry your ma was shot, boy" or "my tear ducts were blown off in Nam so I can't fucking cry. Whaddaya want from me?. Scram fucker. Woulda been better off if yer dad were blown up in Nam too. Little fucking brat. Grab me another brew, will ya???" (backhands kid).

The Crippled Masters (1979)

Wow. Just. Wow.

I've probably seen hundreds of kung fu films in my life (most between the ages of 9 and 15). Strangely, this is one I'd never heard of. Sometime in 2006, I watched 42nd Street Forever, a glorious 2 hours of trailers from 1970s exploitation films. This was one of those trailers. I knew I had to see it. I searched the ends of the earth. Netflix, amazon, the martial arts section at Newbury comics. To no avail. It simply wasn't available. The Crippled Masters would become my holy grail. I couldn't imagine going another year without seeing this. Well, if you try hard enough and really put your mind into something, then anything is possible (also, the message of this picture). So, barely a month ago, I found this used online as part of a ten pack called Tough Guys of Kung Fu. It comes with such titles as Ninja Wars, Killing Machine, and Fists of Bruce Lee which, oddly enough, does NOT star Bruce Lee. All for under ten bucks! How could I possibly say no??

What did I think? Fucking awesome! Inspirational and most certainly NOT funny! This is a serious story, beautifully told, about overcoming the odds and standing (or sitting, I guess) up for oneself. It's the story of Lee Ho and Tang. Two bad men who suddenly become good because they lose their arms (Lee) and legs (Tang). Two fierce enemies who unite only because there is something they hate more than each other; Master Lin, the crime lord with the steel hump. Together, Lee and Tang form a whole person (the movie's words, not mine). United, they stand. Apart, they fall. One of the few times I can actually say literally AND figuratively and have it make sense. These two need each other.

Our story begins with Lee Ho being punished for having turned against his bosses (Tang & Lin). His arms are severed as Tang tells him, "you broke the rules here, you deserve everything you get. You should be grateful." Armless, Lee stumbles into the town and walks up to a restaurant, where he is mistaken for a begger. Amazingly, he didn't have to go to the ER. Perhaps he cauterized the wounds with a hot poker or something. Those scenes may be in the director's cut that I'm hoping is in the works. The scene in the restaurant is a sad one as the other diners are clearly disgusted by him. It becomes even worse when the propieter holds some chicken just out of Lee's "reach" as the sound guys employ some looney tunes-like sound effects. At this point, I considered the possibility that I might be going to hell. Thankfully, Lee bit the propieter in the balls and, I knew, all was well. Of course, the ball biting leads to a no holds barred brouhaha, leaving poor Lee in worse shape than when he entered. Mistaken for dead, he is taken in by the friendly old coffin maker, named Jin. Jin tells Lee that he can change his course in life. He's too young to let his evil beginnings ruin what he has left.

Lee takes these words to heart and leaves the town. He does this by somehow swimming down a river. Again, inspirational. When he's not swimming, he's crawling. A little confusing, since his legs seem to work fine. He ends up at a farming community, eating out of a pig trough. A farmer asks him if he's a man or a ghost. His reply; "If I were a ghost, would I be eating pig swill?" I suppose he has a point. Suddenly, we have the first of many montages in this picture. As flute music plays, we see Lee watering the fields with his feet, playing with children, using his nub to haul buckets roped to the ends of a bamboo pole. Yes, he has a nub. You're right. Those bastards must have used a dull blade. Fuckers. Anyway, back to the montage. Lee even plays hackey sack. The world, for the first time in a long time, seems like a good place to be.

Unfortunately, we are plunged back into the dark world of Master Lin's corrupt town. Lin (the evil humpbacked one) has ordered his cronies to disable Tang, for no apparent reason, except to make the movie good. They do this by pouring acid on his legs and laughing as they melt. Lin tells his former servant, "All I know is, those against me die". His message is timely. Tang is pushed down a hill. Does anyone want to guess which farming community he ends up in?

We now have the buildup. What follows is a story of redemption and revenge. Who knew the two could go hand in hand? Sorry Mr. Lee. Hand to toe? Lee and Tang are able to put aside their differences with the help of an old kung fu master, an old coot that makes Pai-Mei look like...well.....Bruce Lee. The old guy in this story isn't very good. The scene where they encounter him is, surprisingly, the first legitimate "what the fuck" moment of the film. He brings Lee and Tang together by imploring them to forgive each other. "I think the both of you could be a very good couple." I think he went on to say something about how together they could almost be one person and therefore, could maybe defeat Mr. Lin. Lee and Tang didn't seem too insulted by this, so why should I be? Of course, this scene leads into a brilliant training montage, which culminates with the teacher playing keep away with his disabled students (shaking my head). I was going to say "crippled", but I think disabled is slightly less offensive? They both kind of imply that something is wrong, don't they? Fuck it, I'm sticking with crippled. What am I going to call them? Disabled Masters? Handicapped Masters? Fuck that.

Up until this point, there really hasn't been much kung fu (we're about 30 minutes in). I started to check my watch when I noticed the "crippled" masters strolling...um....walking...no, um....inching there way towards the restaurant, the same one where Lee got his ass handed to him earlier. What follows, and really every fight scene beyond this point, is sheer brilliance. I really don't have the words to describe it, so here's an image of Tang in training to tide you over. Notice, he has legs? Trust me, he can't use them.

You really don't want to mess with Tang. Aside from being named after a soft drink favored by astronauts, this guy has the upper body strength of a mule. Not a handicapped mule, an actual mule that people might use to haul shit. Nobody is putting Tang "out to pasture".

Strangely, about 2/3 of the way in, this becomes a heist picture. Lee and Tang's teacher, it turns out, has been training them so he can use them to steal the "8 Jade Horses" from the town's temple, or something. Lee is offended. "Gold, treasure mean nothinig against life. Why do we have to fight for it?" Teacher's response: "so I can die easy". Lee: "Ok, if you insist then we'll do it." This further demonstrates how selfless Lee and Tang have become. After years of terrorizing a town under orders of Mr. Lin, they are now at the point where they can rob the same town, simply so their old teacher can die with some money. This kind of character development makes me all weepy inside. Let's move on.

After retrieving the horses, which simply appear to be little figurines, our heroes bring them to teacher's farmhouse (it's not really a farmhouse, simply just a couple of sticks propped up together). It is revealed by teacher that the horses hold the key to a magnificent brand of kung fu, one that could even defeat Master Lin. Suddenly, Lee puts one of the horses on top of another horse, "now I have found the secret". It's that simple. Have you guys seen Voltron? This is better.

The final battle between Master Lin and Lee/Tang is an epic confrontation, lasting nearly ten minutes. Eight of those minutes are spent with Lee fighting as Lee and Tang fighting as Tang. They're not very effective, minimal blows are actually landed on Lin, but they've learned enough to keep him occupied. At the eight minute mark, things go slo-mo as Tang jumps on Lee's back and ,suddenly, Mr. Lin and his fucking hump, whose one move is to arch his back at his opponent as the sound technicians bang two steel rods together, doesn't look so good. Leetang, as I will now call them, finish him off in two or three moves. The final shot is a freeze frame, and certainly one worth the wait. What? Did you actually think for a minute that the filmmakers might actually let the crippled masters lose?? You might be joining me in eternal damnation, but at least this movie will be playing non stop.

I had a blast with Crippled Masters. The first time I watched it, I confess I was not myself. I was smashed, so I really didn't remember too much. I loved the fight scenes, the setting, even the dubbing was not awful. The lighting was pretty decent I suppose, considering this was transferred from an old video tape. I loved several characters. My favorites were Master Lin's two henchmen, simply named Black and White. White was a talking mime. These guys were pretty good at the kung fu, but not as good as my next favorite character, the mysterious stranger named Po. This is a guy who we're not really sure about. Is he good or evil? He's a commentary on the duality of man. First, he hates Lin and then he's working for him. Does he now like Lee and Tang? They seem to think so, but why is he now kicking their asses? Of course, Lee and Tang were, by far, my favorites. They taught me so much. I learned that if I ever lose my arms OR my legs (dear god, don't let it be both), whether by the sword or sulfuric acid, that I can still live on. Well, as long as I find a partner, someone who lost the opposite appendages of me, I can. Two guys with no legs is probably comparable to having two left feet. If I should happen to lose my arms, as long as I've maintained some sort of nub (for face smacking and bamboo pole twirling) I'll be ok. It wouldn't hurt to find a good teacher either. Life is full of possibilities.

Thankfully, Life is also full of good movies. This one put a smile on my face.

It's not funny.

Silent Rage (1982)

Here's another picture from 1982.

There was a time in my life when Chuck Norris was my favorite action star. This guy has only lost one fight and that was because he let his good pal Bruce Lee win. I'm afraid we'll never again see action films like those we saw in the 1980s. The kind of films headlined by Norris, Schwarzenegger, Stallone. Later Seagal and Van Damme. The movies characterized by gratuitous violence, jingoistic attitudes, strip clubs that actually feature girls stripping. You know, R Rated films. To me, Norris, as an actor, was probably below Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Seagal. (Sorry, Van Damme fans. Even if he loses the accent, he's still the worst actor I have ever enjoyed). As an agent of death, however, he pretty much beats them all. If you don't believe me, check out Invasion USA, Missing In Action I & II, and the Delta Force. In these films he wipes out an army of Latin American Guerillas, the entire Viet Cong, and every single god damned terrorist ever born, respectively. I'd recommend taking a day off from work sometime and watching them all. It's our right as American citizens to call in sick so we can stay home and watch Chuck Norris pictures.

Norris is the guy that perfected the blue jeans style of martial arts. Seagal later became a student of this style, but was certainly not in the league of Chuck Norris. Seagal just looked silly attempting his round house kicks in denim. Somehow, Norris was able to maintain a fluidity of motion while wearing such stiff attire. I think he just liked the challenge. It was sort of like a middle finger to his opponents, akin to beating them with both hands tied behind his back.

According to Wikipedia, Norris was the first choice to play the role of the evil sensei of the Cobra Kai dojo in The Karate Kid. Norris refuted this claim in an interview as complete bullshit. I wish he HAD been in the first one because it would mean that parts 2-4 of the series would never have happened. Norris would have painted the fence with both Miyagi and Daniel San at the conclusion of part one. This is one more reason that you can't rely on Wikipedia.

Silent Rage is one of his films that eluded me as a kid and I've seen most of them; from The Octagon to Lone Wolf McQuade. I think I was probably a bit wary at the time because it seemed like he only had to fight one guy in this one. And, the cover art didn't portray him handling a couple of uzis (not that he needed them). Also, the description made it sound like Chuck Norris vs. Frankenstein's monster. I was not the biggest fan of Frankenstein's monster as a young boy. I'm happy to announce that my tastes have evolved.

To be more accurate, this movie is closer to Re-animator (1985) than Frankenstein. Notice the dates? Re-animator ripped off Chuck Norris (and he IS pissed. He's coming for YOU Stuart Gordon). Both movies involve a serum that, when injected, can reanimate dead tissue. The difference being that the serum in Silent Rage also gives you superhuman strength, the ability to heal wounds to maintain the appearence of normalcy, and crazy eyes. Re-animator is the better film (more wit, more style, more gore). I still like the idea that Gordon and company were inspired by Lovecraft AND Chuck Norris.

I liked this film, but I have to admit, I didn't love it. Norris is pretty bad ass throughout, except for one scene towards the end when he runs from the reanimated psychopath. I'm sorry, but that was a bad creative choice. I enjoyed some of the supporting players, including Ron Silver (looking and talking just like a young Al Pacino) as a sympathetic doctor who is, in part, responsible for the serum's creation and Stephen Furst (Animal House) as the jolly (read Obese) deputy Charlie. Brian Libby (Action Jackson) played the psychopath and Steven Keats (Freddy's Nightmares) played the slightly mad doctor (and Silver's boss) who developed the serum.

The movie opens with Libby taking an axe to the husband and wife that he's been renting a room from. Libby is always telling his doctor (Ron Silver) that he's "losing it" on the phone, so it's pretty clear the couple that rented him the room didn't really care about references. Norris arrives, toys with him for a bit before finally getting the cuffs on him. This is no ordinary man though becasue he breaks the cuffs and proceeds to beat up a few cops. Norris and his men have no choice, except to gun him down. Ron Silver arrives to take Libby (miraculously, still alive) back to The Institute, a shady medical research facility. Libby dies during surgery, but is given the serum shortly thereafter. Silver was against the idea, but was overruled. Something about how they don't give out the Nobel Peace Prize for murder. The rest of the movie involves Norris reconnecting with an old flame, his deputy Charlie finally finding his courage, a biker gang terrorizing the town, Silver thinking about maybe a new profession, quite a few breast shots (a few involving biker chicks, two involving Norris' old flame), and Libby going on a Michael Myers inspired killing spree before coming face to face with Norris. If it sounds pretty good that's because it is.

Still, I had a couple of issues. First, Norris is not given one memorable line in this thing. I think that was pretty much the story of his career. His writers suck. Obviously, no one wants to see him act in the traditional sense, but a pretty big key to these types of pictures are the one liners. Schwarzenegger had them in spades, Stallone had them, Seagal had them, and even Van Damme got off a couple (when we could understand what he was saying). Norris, the best fighter of the bunch got zilch. He delivers lines like "Okay" and "Is that so?" I also didn't like the guy that played the villain too much. After he died, he didn't really talk at all. I guess that's where the title comes from. He was silent and full of rage. Get it? He had no motivation for killing the people he did, except for the doctors I guess. Actually, the more I think about it, this movie kind of ripped off Halloween. The killer was very much in the Michael Myers mold, never in a hurry, hiding in plain sight, and he even comes with his own Dr. Loomis (Ron Silver). Fortunately, for the real Michael Myers, Norris wasn't in Halloween. If Rob Zombie had balls, he'd put him in the remake.

One character I really liked was the deputy Charlie. You might remember the actor as Flounder in Animal House. He's pretty fun in this one. In the opening scene he nearly shoots Norris (by accident) as he's chasing Libby. Norris dives out of the way to avoid the shot and then looks back at Charlie with disappointment. Charlie just sheepishly shrugs. There's clearly a lot of love between these two. It shows in a later scene, when Charlie, in an effort to clear his conscience relates to Norris the story of how when he was 6 years old, he got a puppy. Once, when it got dirty, he tried to wash it in the toilet and then to dry it off he placed it in the walk in freezer. Of course, being 6, he forgot about it, so his mother found it a day later. It's mouth frozen in mid bark. Norris smiles, and reassures him by saying "Don't worry, that won't go on your record." Unfortunately, Charlie is given one of the lamest death scenes ever when he is bear hugged to death by Libby (who is half his size).

You can't have a Chuck Norris picture without a scene where he beats up 20 to 30 guys at once. Hence the subplot involving the bikers. This encounter takes place in a bar. Chuck and Charlie walk in to find the bartender tied up with a noose around his neck. One of the biker chicks walks over to Charlie and flashes her breasts for him. He reaches out to grab them when Norris clears his throat and calmly asks Charlie to go call for backup. Quick cut to Charlie in the Bronco relating to the dispatcher that 'they were the biggest things I've ever seen! And they had tattoos on them!". Good Ol' Charlie. I'd estimate that 30 seconds later the final biker is thrown out the front window and Charlie is broken out of his love spell: "Mayday! Mayday! Send Backup immediately!!" The fight itself is pretty good. Norris is clearly a master of Karate (he WAS the middle weight world champion at one time, after all). He's got some good moves. Even when he's hit (I think this happened once) and falling, he turns that into his advantage by falling into a 'sweep the legs' move. Controlled chaos. He's the best.

The movie ends with Libby basically killing everyone at The Institute (even poor Charlie). Norris arrives too late and is therefore pretty angry to find Charlie dying. It's at this point that I realized the title could refer to Norris as well as Libby. Norris doesn't say much throughout the final 15 minutes and he is ALSO full of rage. See, it's that neat little twist where the hero has to become like the villain in order to defeat the villain. Clever. Unfortunately, the final fight doesn't really live up to the rest of the movie. I expected Norris to deliver a roundhouse kick that would decapitate Libby and at least blind the body so he could then chop it into a hundred pieces and deliver them to the bottom of the Atlantic. That would have been MY ending anway.

*SPOILER ALERT*

In this thing, after Libby has been shot a couple hundred times, and burnt to a crisp, Norris' solution is to drop him into a well. Huh??? Admittedly, the well is pretty deep, but still, that's a little anticlimactic isn't it? It also hints that maybe Chuck Norris realized he couldn't defeat him and therefore this was the next best thing. Again, this is not an issue with Chuck Norris, but with his crummy writers.

The last shot is of Libby rising from the water at the bottom of the well. It might take him a year or so, but I think he could climb out. The guy is basically immortal, so he's got all the time in the world. His patience was established in an earlier scene when, after dispatching Ron Silver in his home, the wife walks in, finds her dead husband and a dead madman standing over the body. She runs and hides. Instead of trying to find her, the guy just sits tight and waits her out. Finally, thinking he must have left, the wife comes out of hiding only to be splattered against a wall. So, yeah, I think this guy can wait out a few lousy years down at the bottom of a well. If he can't climb out, someone will come along. Eventually.

*END SPOILERS*

Ending aside, this is still a pretty good movie. It was nice to see Chuck Norris tackle something in the horror genre. He would revisit this realm in later films like The Hero and the Terror, Hellbound, and also Sidekicks. The supporting cast is better than what you'll find in most Norris pictures, with the exception of M. Emmet Walsh in Missing in Action (Is there a better character actor than Walsh?). I wish they had made a sequel where Chuck Norris had to fight 100 of these reanimated fuckers. Although, in that case, he'd need to dig a lot of wells. There's still time though. I think we're all waiting for Chuck Norris to come back and show us how it's done.