The Alligator People (1959)

 

Roy Del Ruth's The Alligator People is an interesting picture.  What we got here is a monster movie almost completely devoid of actual monsters.  By that I mean, there are no creatures out to get us.  Only encroaching nature and a drunken one handed lunatic.  I don't mean that as a negative.  This picture is actually pretty impressive.  It's the story of what happens when you inject reptile hormones into mutilated accident victims and also the unfortunate bastards that are cursed with loving them.  

Also, this controversial treatment involves being zapped with gamma rays.

Anyway, we got that all-to-common framing device where a couple of doctors inject their nurse with sodium pentathol (truth serum) and the nurse recalls a series of astounding events.  In her hypnotic state, she flashbacks to a time when she went by a different name (Joyce Webster) and she's a newlywed on a train travelling to an unidentified location.  She's just been married to a guy named Paul Webster.  He seems like a good guy.  No skeletons in his closet would be a good assumption.  Assumption blown as soon as a train attendant delivers them some mail including one letter that causes Paul to quickly get off the train at the next possible stop and, presumably, disappear from Joyce's life forever.  Joyce spends the next few years tracking him down.  Her investigation leads her to the Louisiana bayou.  Paul once listed some plantation (The Cypresses) down there as his address.  At the train station in the bayou, she manages to hitch a ride with a hook handed Lon Chaney Jr (playing a character named Manon), the Cypresses drunken caretaker.  

Chaney Jr is brilliant in the role, a sort of cajun Captain Hook.  The drive to the plantation reveals him to be a man full of grudges.  And all those grudges are held against alligators.  He badmouths the things the entire ride.  Joyce finds herself in the somewhat awkward spot of having to defend them.  Manon points out she wouldn't survive ten minutes in the swamp.  She relents.  He then spots a gator up the road and guns his truck towards it, running it over in one of the pictures more visceral, and convincing, scenes.  He's Ahab of the bayou.  Gator took his hand.  He wants it back.  Also, no gators were harmed during the making of this picture.  They used real gators and those wrasslers were professionals.  And that gun Manon fired wildly at them was full of blanks.  Also, he was drunk and kept missing.  

On the plantation lives a strange off putting woman named Lavinia and her slaves...er staff.  Lavinia takes an immediate dislike to Joyce.  Wants her to leave.  Train won't come until morning.   She'll stay until then under the condition that she doesn't leave her room which is pretty much an open invitation to leave the room and go snooping.  Lavinia is hiding something.  When Joyce asked her about Paul, Lavinia proved herself a bad liar.  Eventually, we and Joyce learn the truth.  We get there first.

Turns out there's a clinic down in the bayou easily accessible by river boat.  The clinic is run by Doctor Mark Sinclair.  We see patients, with strange masks concealing their faces, manhandled by beefy orderlies.  Later, one of the patients sneaks onto the plantation and into the house so he can play a few keys on the piano.  We see his scaly face in shadow.  Joyce follows the music in an homage to Frankenstein (or maybe Mel Brook's homaged this scene in Young Frankenstein.  Who can remember?).  The shadowy stranger turns out to be (spoiler) her husband.  An accident victim from years back.  Apparently, the procedure was a success.  At first.  Then the doctor telegraphed Paul (somehow knowing exactly where he was and on what train, etc) to let him know that, not only were the results temporary, Paul would eventually turn into some kind of weird reptile man-thing...alligator people.  Understandably, Paul took off before Joyce was subjected to some kind of bizarre reptile-man coitus.  He was protecting her, still loves her, wants to get it on with her, but doesn't she find him hideous? 

What's truly unusual about this picture is just how tragic it all is.  Sure, plenty of monster movies attempt to emphasize the tragic elements of their creatures, but in the end it's just a misunderstood creature stomping all over civilization.  We can almost buy the science here.  Reptiles are known for regenerating limbs so why not isolate what causes this regrowth and apply that shit to humans?  Ok, so it's 3rd grade science.  Still, works for me.   What's really tragic is the real monster in this picture is Manon whose hatred of alligators extends even to alligator people.  Why is this tragic?  Once again, a drunk is the villain.  

Things are not going to end rosey.  How could they, in a swamp?  Turns out Lavinia is Paul's mother.  She wants to embrace Joyce but tries to turn her away to protect Paul.  Circumstances are keeping these people apart and will likely end up destroying their lives.  Joyce will probably be left so traumatized that she'll block everything from her memory, change her name, and become a nurse or some shit.  The fact that she did this leads us to believe that Paul stayed in the bayou and that everyone else was probably killed in a radioactive explosion or something (only a spoiler if true).

I don't know man, I really dug the picture.  The atmosphere was thick, the music strung us along, and the makeup more than did the job.  At 74 minutes this thing flew right by.  I liked how it wasn't routine.  The "mad scientist" wasn't mad at all.  He was just an aging doctor who has dedicated his life to helping people.  The character is full of traits that make him human; empathy, love, humor, kindness, stupidity, god complexes, etc.  We also got the interesting flashback framing device, the monsters that want to be human, the human that wants his hand back and is figuratively a monster, and also the hero who, in a last ditch effort to make himself normal, gets zapped with gamma rays that may or may not leave him with a ridiculous looking gator mask for a face.  The alligator people are more human than most humans and especially that drunken biggot Manon who tries to kill Paul after attempting to have his way, sexually, with his wife, which is a pretty monster-ish course of action, even by bayou standards.  So, if you ever want to see a movie like Swamp Thing crossed with Frankenstein and maybe a dash of Moby Dick, then look no further. 

The Objective (2008)

Well, the director of The Blair Witch Project (Daniel Myrick) has done it again.  He made another movie.  It's almost as good as Altered, the movie his co-writer and co-director (Eduardo Sanchez) from Blair Witch made.  Basically, what we got here is Aliens.  Only, it's told from the perspective of the Paul Reiser character.  Also, there ain't no fucking aliens in this thing.   Also, minimal action.  And, it takes place in the blighted deserts and mountains of Afghanistan.  Throw in some mysticism and some awkward performances and we've got ourselves a picture.  Still, it was all kind of...interesting.

Jonas Ball stars as CIA agent, Benjamin Keynes.  Keynes is in Afghanistan weeks after 9-11 under the guise of leading a mission to overthrow the Taliban.  He recruits a not-so special forces unit to aid in his mission.  Their goal is to find some Afghani cleric and record a statement from him that will apparently dissolve the Taliban.  Somehow.  Along the way, they pick up Abdul, an Afghani guide who will take them through the treacherous mountains.  Also, there's an Aussie in the unit for some reason.  And none of the troops look particularly fit.  The captain looks like Steve Austin after a year long bender and with a pasted on beard.   Still, I found myself captivated by this bullshit for some reason.

Keynes narrates the action in the drollest of monotones.  He's Fox Mulder on prozac.  He scans the horizon with his infra-red, and radiation detecting, equipment.  After a brief firefight leaves one of their men dead, and no enemy bodies, things get weird.  The mountains of Afghanistan hold many secrets.  Lights dance around the sky, compasses are useless, GPS systems fail, radio communication is fruitless, the water in their canteens is replaced with sand.  Keynes isn't opening up about anything.  His narration is using the present tense. We understand his survival is no guarantee.

I'm not sure where this thing was filmed (and I'm not about to look it up) but it seemed to use a pretty authentic location.  Could have been Death Valley for all I know.  The picture provides few answers and is the better for it.  We got weird triangles in the sky, men evaporating, guys jumping off cliffs and, in one case, some poor bastard wakes up to find himself nothing but guts and clothing (he didn't actually wake up, sorry for making it seem like he did).  I'm not sure what the picture is saying about the war in the Middle East.  I'm not sure it's saying anything.  We all know war is hell.  Sometimes you live.  Sometimes you get evaporated by a giant triangle in the sky. 

Well, if we are to believe the South Park mythos, what these guys were up against was none other than Moses and his army of macarroni pictures.  Of course, this is the real world and so South Park mythology gets thrown out the fucking window.  What we have here is something deeper than that.  Something involving satellite pictures of some weird mystical phenomenom in some Afghanistan mountain range.  Not sure if that phenomenon has anything to do with Osama Bin Laden, but that's who we were searching for in those mountains immediately after 9-11 went down.  Not these guys though.  Shit man, I think Muhammad shows up at the end.  Is it ok to have an actor portray him in shadow or is that shit a death sentence?  I don't know, but I hope Daniel Myrick lives long enough to make another movie.  This one wasn't bad.

The Curse (1987)

The Curse is one of those 80s type films involving a meteor crashing to Earth in, or around, a small town and messing shit up for the yokel locals.  In this case, it lands on the property of abusive farmer Nathan Hayes, played by the spectacularly sinister Claude Atkins.  Nathan is a puritanical monster ruling over his familial unit with an iron backhand.  The meteor contains an oozing menace that infects his crops as well as the town's water supply.  The crops mutate into worm infested apples or something, while the tainted water changes those who imbibe into puss spewing creatures of the night (I think).

Loosely based on Lovecraft's "The Colour Out of Space" and directed with a sure hand by David Keith (yes, the actor), The Curse is an enjoyable tale well told.  Atkin's plays the Hayes patriarch as a cross between Mitchum's Harry Powell and....well....a puss dripping monster.  Able support is given by Will Wheaton as Nathan's ill fitting (adopted?) son and John Schneider (yep, Bo Duke) tags along as a scientist researching the town's odd happenings.

A side story about evil developers out to buy the Hayes farm on the cheap so they can put in strip malls or some shit only adds to the fun.  Also enjoyable, is the way Nathan continues to deny anything strange is happening even after his wife tries to eat their children.  Creepiness ensues after she's been locked in the cellar.  And then the house disintegrates for some unknowable reason that left me scratching my head.  Even some horribly shoddy effects work (meteor on a stick, anyone?) can't undermine this thing.

As an added bonus, here's a quickie review of The Curse II:  The Bite.  Well, shit man, this one is just a couple good scenes strung together by what seems like hours of tedious bullshit.  We got a guy and his girlfriend driving through the desert (were they running from someone or something?  Can't remember).  They stop to do some sightseeing on the side of the road when the guy is bit by a radioactive snake and then, SLOWLY, his arm starts to change into one (a snake I mean).  The two good scenes are the one where the young couple drive over a highway littered with snakes, which are beaten and battered in slow motion, and also when the guy's arm changes into a snake, while in bed with his girlfriend.  Then the guy chases his girl through some drainage pipes or whatever.  None of this has anything to do with the first picture.  Not much to recommend here.  Well, except for Jill Schoelen,  as the girlfriend, who is fairly adorable.  I can't remember if she got undressed in front of the camera or not.  Find out for yourself.

Triangle (2009)

Wow, that poster is one giant fucking ball of spoilage.  I expected the picture to be about a group of young sailors stuck in the Bermuda triangle getting eaten by sea monsters or some shit (this was before I saw the poster).  At the very least, maybe some syfy channel level of storytelling and special effects thrown in.  Then I recognized the name Christopher Smith.  He did the disappointing (although not completely devoid of merit) Severance and also the fairly chilling horrors lurking in the London subway picture called Creep.  Neither picture blew me away but both have style and atmosphere.  Maybe this is the time Smith actually brings a story to match his visuals.  It doesn't hurt that the thing stars Melissa George (30 Days of Night).

Well, what we got here instead is a nice little twisty story marred by some atrocious computer generated imagery.  I guess water is pretty tough to render.  Anyway, this is the story of a single mother named Jesse (George) who goes sailing with some friends.  I know what you're thinking.  They end up in the Bermuda triangle.  Well, you'd be wrong.  Their boat is called the Triangle.  Also, they end up in some other triangle type anomaly somewhere off the coast of Florida.  One moment they're sailing along nicely.  The next moment the wind stops abruptly and their boat is overturned (tensest moment of the picture) by a massive storm that swoops in out of nowhere.  Also, weird distress call came over the radio just before they were flipped.  Also, Jesse has been weirdly antisocial the whole trip and now they're all clutching to the hull of their overturned ship excluding the one girl that was swept out to sea and presumably drowned.  And then a large cruise ship called "The Aeon Flux" or some shit, looking like something from the early 20th century pulls up next to them.  Saved!  Not so fast.

So, they board the ship and then shit starts getting even weirder.  They keep hearing someone else, while not seeing them.  It's a ghost ship.   It's old looking.  Their ship was called "The Triangle".  Jesse is acting strange.  Blood is all over the ship.  Some guy with a sack on his head starts picking them off one by one or two at a time.  Who the fuck is piloting the ship, if anyone?  Well, I can't really discuss the movie in any more detail without spoiling more shit, so here goes:

Turns out they went through some sort of time rift.  The person they spotted on the ship was actually Jesse (Jesse from the past).  The guy with the sack on his head killing them all with a shotgun or an axe is actually a gal.  A gal named Jesse (from the past).  Why is she killing everyone?  Well, turns out the only way to set things back and give them all a chance of escaping the ship is for them all to end up dead (even Jesse).  Once they're all dead I guess "The Triangle" will appear and the friends will board the boat.  If present Jesse can prevent that from happening or, escape the ship when the other boat appears then maybe she can make it back home to Florida to pick up her special needs kid from school or something.  Anyway, it's going to take a lot of trial and error for things to get straightened out.   If this sounds like the movie Timecrimes its because they have an almost identical plot except this one takes place on a boat.  We got the time travel angle and the guy (or gal) wearing a sack on their head angle.  See, basically the same picture.

I enjoyed it.  Melissa George gives a terrific performance as Jesse.  She's vulnerable, menacing, sympathetic, fierce, etc.  Lots of adjectives to describe her character so we can surmise she did a good job.  Lots of twists and turns in this thing.  The action becomes a bit repetitive at times but never really tedious.  Some truly shocking moments in this thing like when the one girl, after being knifed by Jesse in the gut, crawls up to some deck only to realize she's already crawled up there to die 50 times previously.  Or, when Jesse hits a seagul with her car and goes to drop it over a ravine only to discover hundreds of seaguls piled up below.  Real interesting shit like that.  Unfortunately, all the other performances are overwhelmed by George's.  We could really give a shit about anyone else.  They seem like fine people, but fuck 'em.

I spoiled a lot but there are still a couple moments of goodness left for you to discover.  Like the scene where Jesse is revealed to be an abusive parent.  Is that  Jesse Prime or one of her copies slapping the shit out of her retarded kid for spilling paint?  Who the fuck knows?  Also, sorry for spoiling that Jesse makes it home so she can beat on her kid.  I promise that's the last spoiler.  I dug this picture.  It kept me guessing.  I rank it slightly behind Creep and way ahead of Severance (maybe I should see that one again to be sure).  I guess Smith is at his best when he sticks to the dark and dour stuff, while leaving comedy-horror concoctions to the experts.*

*There are no experts.   A good horror/comedy almost always happens by accident.  Most good movies with elements of both are either comedy heavy or horror heavy.  An American Werewolf In London is the only example I can come up with that's a perfect blend.  Can you think of any?

Search for the Beast (1997)

This movie is such a piece of shit that I couldn't find a poster for it anywhere.  Or, DVD artwork for that matter.  Apparently, it's only available as part of a Big Foot compilation.  The best I could come up with is the above screen shot I found using google.  That's the beast.  It's intended as a genuine beast.  Unlike Shriek of the Mutilated (available on the same DVD set) it's not supposed to be some guy in a costume luring unsuspecting teens to some kind of Satanistic, Cannibalistic, Ritualistic dinner.  Nope.  It's an actual beast.  That loves to fuck.

I did learn a little history so my experience with this thing wasn't all bad.  I learned that the Algonquin Indians used to sacrifice all their hot virgins to Big Foot in order to stave off slaughter.  If, however, the squaw was a little "rough around the edges" Big Foot would take his disdain out on the tribes in what could only be described as a maelstrom of slaughter and rape.  I'm pretty sure the American cavalry used similar tactics.  Anyway, point is Big Foot's got standards.

Basically, what we got here is a lose remake of Aliens.  We got the scientist type (played by Rick Montana) hired to go back into the mountains of Okaloosa, Alabama and bring back proof that Big Foot exists.  He's sent in by a shady executive (some guy stepping in for Paul Reiser and then re-writing the part so he doesn't actually have to get off his fat ass) to bring back evidence of the existence of Big Foot or Big Feet.  Accompanying him will be an armed squadron of rednecks and also porn starlet wannabe, Miss Holli Day.  Of course, the shady business guy is working a double cross ("kill the thing at all costs").  Montana wants to just leave it be (even though the thing is believed to have killed and raped at least forty people in the last year or so (including - spoiler - the executive's son and girlfriend)).

I'll be the first to admit that this sounds like an amazing plot for a movie.  Almost impossible to fuck up, right?  Well, the first thing they did is shoot on cheap home video with some of the worst sound quality I've heard.  Then they edited the scenes in such a way so that nothing makes sense.  We got an allusion to Montana saving Day's life but are never shown this event actually happening.  Maybe it was when they were scaling a "treacherous" "rock" "face" a few minutes back?  I guess they climbed down using some rope that was being sliced into by a rock, but never broke.  Maybe they forgot to put in the scene where it breaks causing Day to fall on Montana's dick?  Anyway, as a reward, Day fucks the shit out of Montana that very night in his tent, while the other rednecks, and their sister, jack off outside.  Of course, the rednecks in the group (i.e., everyone) assume she's fair game and, therefore, are justified putting their dicks in her whether she likes it or not.

The filmmakers also do some weird shit with the dubbing.  I couldn't tell if 99% of the vocals were intended as inner monologue or if the characters were speaking out loud.  Montana is eventually swindled, tied up, left for dead, and has his girl stolen from him by the rednecks.  All of a sudden, the guy becomes John Rambo, shooting and stabbing his way through the mountainside while being chased by barking dogs that we can hear, but never see.  Also, there's a sasquatch (see picture above for proof).

Seriously, Big Foot has only about three minutes of screentime (at one point, I think a close up version was a cartoon - primitve CGI?) and that was probably too much.  So, I don't know.  This thing never bored me too much but I can't say I enjoyed watching it.  It's only 69 (haha) minutes long.  The highlight of the picture is probably the part where this kid is taking his girl from behind when Big Foot sneaks up behind him, pushes him out of the way, and steps in without the girl even noticing.  Other than that, there were a lot of bad parts like anytime Big Foot peaks out from behind a tree or the final revelation (spoiler) that Big Foot is actually working for a couple of Banjo players (The Deliverance band, I believe they're called) by bringing them women, chaining them up, ripping off their clothes, etc.  Also, bad parts involved anytime a character spoke or anytime shot footage was shown on my tv.  So, to sum up i guess we can say the good thing about this movie is the nudity.  The bad thing about this movie is everything else (including the quality of the girls getting naked).  

Truth or Dare? A Critical Madness (1986)

Let's keep this string of classics going.  Here's one that won a few academy awards and also that you'll find on most top 100 lists.  Or, maybe I'm mistaken.  Do they give academy awards to slasher films?  Probably not.  I'm also thinking they especially don't give academy awards to inept slasher films.  Well, I thought it had some good parts.  For example, this is one of the only movies ever made that features a drive by chainsawing.  The other one I'm thinking of is, of course, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.  Am I missing any others?   Anyway, at the very least, this is superior cinema to the Madonna documentary of the same name.  This one even has a cool subtitle: A Critical Madness.  Other than that subtitle and the drive by chainsawing, and also some boobies, this is mostly a piece of shit, albeit a sporadically enjoyable piece of shit.  Sorry for misleading you into thinking this was a multi-award winning classic.

The picture opens with a couple of people fucking which is probably how every movie ever made should open (well, maybe not Bambi).  We got boobies right away in this thing (and unfortunately, never again).  Tim Ritter, the director, masterfully cuts between the fucking and some nerdy bespectacled guy driving his car.  Turns out, he's the husband of the wife who is fucking some other guy.  Mike Strauber (the husband) is on his way home to give his wife, Sharon Strauber, some very good news.  He got the promotion at his accounting firm (or wherever it is he works).  Eventually, he arrives and walks around the house a bit calling out for his "honey".  While in the throes of passion she can't hear him.  It's amazing that he can't hear her either.  Finally, he gets to the bedroom, opens the door, and immediately slams it shut after seeing what's going on inside while shouting "Sharon!  How could you?"  He flees, she tries to stop him, then tells him "I'm sorry, I tried to tell you, this ain't working.  Maybe you should go out and find some good friends, live your life, etc."

Then we're subjected to long scenes of Mike driving to the beach, flash backing to all the hints of his wife's infidelities that, at the time, went unnoticed.  Long interminable scenes.  Later, he picks up an impossibly voluptuous strawberry blond, brings her to a campsite, builds a fire, sets up a tent ("you don't mind if we sleep in the same tent do you?").  A rousing game of truth or dare ensues.  Starts out innocently enough ("Do you still love your wife?") and ("I dare you to lift up your blouse").  Progresses to shit like "I dare you to gouge out your eye" and "I dare you to slice open your chest".  Also, the impossibly voluptuous strawberry blond was all in his head.  So, of course, Mike ends up in a sanitarium.

Basically, the movie goes like this.  Mike goes crazy, usually flashing back to his childhood and humiliating games of truth or dare.  Also, his crazy mother appears at times.  After these visions, Mike does something bad and ends up back in the psych ward.  Mike is later released, goes crazy again.  Back to the loony bin.  Mike escapes, goes crazy.  Back to the loony bin.  Rinse, wash, repeat.  Eventually, he completely loses it and plays truth or dare with a couple fellow inmates using the knife he apparently smuggled in using his anal cavity.  One guy cuts off his hand.  Another guy eats a grenade (also smuggled in somehow).  Mike cuts off his face and, I guess, this is the point where it becomes a traditional slasher film (about an hour in) since Mike now dons a copper mask.  He drives around like Michael Myers in that Halloween picture.  He also acquires an arsenal of weapons; including a chainsaw, a machine gun, a medieval mace, nun-chucks, hunting knives, etc.

Truth or Dare was shot in, and around, West Palm Beach, Florida so we got a lot of sunny, boring atmosphere.  We got a couple of bumbling cops hot on Mike's trail.  One cop accidentally burns down the town drunk thinking it's slasher Mike.  Later, he loses his car keys and has to drive around town in the back of a cab.  The end of this picture is pretty bat shit crazy as Mike just drives around killing people that remind him of other people that apparently tormented him throughout his life.  This being Florida, several of these victims are elderly including a poor trio that he machine guns while they're waiting for the bus.  The kills are extraordinarily unconvincing which sorta adds to the brilliance.  There's even a car chase that ends with one guy catching fire and getting shot multiple times as he burns.  Lots of fire in this thing.  That's where the budget went.  I almost wonder if the fire truck in this thing was a real fire truck responding to a fire these bozos started for the picture.

So, It's pretty fucking far from a classic but if you can wade through some of the boring parts there's a lot of fun to be had here.  I laughed every time they cut to the insane asylum when Mike is returned there.  Like I mentioned earlier, the kills were horribly executed.  Sometimes (all the time?) the camera would linger on the victim and would catch them breathing or scratching their ass or some shit.  Almost as if Tim Ritter were daring them to hold their position.  They never did.  Especially that one little leaguer that got drive-by chainsawed.  I can't wait to see some of this guy's other stuff.

Freaks (1932)

I feel like I don't cover enough of the classics so I'll try to rectify that shit.  A couple weeks ago, I wrote up The Wolf Man and its sequel (which I determined isn't worthy of "classic" status).  Well, here we got a pre-code picture from 1932 that is pretty bonafide in my opinion.  It's a picture about circus freaks simply called Freaks and was pretty controversial back in its day.  Tod Browning, the man behind the reputed classic Dracula, has fashioned himself a shocking work about deformed people (freaks) working the traveling carnival circuit and the people who are appalled by them while at the same time taking advantage of them.  Audiences were disgusted by what Browning put on film (real live freaks, no special effects) which makes this picture even more interesting because it exposed his audiences, as well as most of the normal people portrayed in the film, as prejudiced sons of bitches.  Browning was insulting his audiences years before Haneke.

What we got here is a picture that takes place entirely within the world of a traveling carnival.  We got the sideshow attractions (the titular freaks) and a few normals.  A couple of these normals, Olga the trapeze artist and Hercules the muscleman, begrudgingly put up with the weirdos.  We got lots of setup for what amounts to a barely longer than sixty minute picture.  The carnival is run by a little person named Hans who is pined after by another little person named Freida.  He feigns interest in her but only until something better comes along, better meaning normal.  Like maybe the blond trapeze artist for example.  Turns out Hans is due to inherit a large sum of money.  Olga might be interested after all.  She conspires with Hercules.  She'll marry the little bastard, poison him, and then the two of them can make off with the loot.  That's pretty much the plot.  This thing really isn't about what it's about though.  It's about how it's about what it's about. 

Today this thing would be full of special effects.  Can't use real freaks.  Exploiting freaks would cause an uproar.  Browning wanted realism in his picture and he got it.  Lots of real freaks in this thing.  We got "the human torso" which amounts to a guy with no arms and no legs who still manages to light his own cigarettes.  We got the siamese twins who have aspirations of marriage but haven't quite figured out the bed situation yet.  We've got the three sisters (I think) with bird like heads (one of them looks like Sid Haig).  We got the young woman with no arms that eats and smokes with her feet.  We got a couple dwarfs, one of whom went on to play the "master" part of "master-blaster" in Mad Max Beyond The Thunderdome.  We got the standard bearded lady type deal...only this one falls in love with a human skeleton.  And, most impressively, we got the guy with no lower half (who, as it turns out, is probably the best actor of the bunch).  There are a couple sympathetic normals who stick up for their co-workers.  Obviously, one of these sympathetic characters is a clown.  

As I mentioned earlier, for a sixty minute picture, this thing takes a while to get going.  That's a good thing.  We get a peak into the lives of these freaks.  Character is important and we got lots of characters here.  One thing weirded me out though.  I'll be honest.  At first I thought Hans and Freida were children.  And brother and sister.   So, I found it inappropriate that they were alluding to things like love and marriage.  Also, could we get a translator for these two?  I couldn't understand a god damned thing they were saying.  Except when Hans would constantly refer to his normal employees as "swine".  

Anyway, in the portrayal of the lovable freaks and also Cleopatra and Hercules what the picture is doing is showing us that freaks are more human than most humans.  Until the end when the freaks gather up knives, guns, etc and chase Cleopatra through the rain soaked forest and then chop off her legs, melt down her hands, cut out her tongue, gouge out an eye, tar and feather her, etc (some of this wasn't shown in the movie, I had to read it on wikipedia).  The movie loses its message a bit with that climax when it turns the freaks into monsters.  Admittedly, the bitch did have it coming.  I also understand that Browning needed to excite the audiences with some sort of horrific climax.  You know, to sell the thing.  Nothing more horrific than a bunch of freaks crawling through the muck on their way to disfiguring some broad I guess.

So, this is a classic alright.  I loved it.  Being pre-code and all we got bosomy women wearing skimpy outfits and some sexual innuendo between Hercules and Cleopatra, like the conversation about how many "fried eggs" would he like to eat for "dinner" and shit.  That's weird innuendo, but it worked.  The final reveal, the shock moment, that I already spoiled, is equal parts horrific and funny.  Then there's a tacked on scene involving Freida and Hans getting together at his newly acquired mansion which feels a bit perfunctory.  Should have left it out.  Oh, and sorry for overusing the word freaks.  I just like saying freaks.  Of all the movies about freaks, and especially called freaks, this one is probably the best, or close to it.