Pumpkinhead (1989)

Lance Henriksen stars in this picture.






Oh, are you still here? I would think the realization that one of our greatest living actors is featured in this would be enough. I guess I'll have to write more then. Whatever.

Stan Winston is the guru behind the brilliant visual effects for such pictures as Aliens, Predator, AI, and Leviathan. Actually, he was only responsible for the robots in AI. See, that's what he does. He creates life out of the lifeless. I believe he even did some of the cyborg work in the Terminator films. Finally, he's able to slip into the director's chair and create a movie all his own (with a little help), and no, I am not referring to A Gnome Named Gnorm (I'll review that one when it's finally released on DVD, don't worry). Strangely enough, Pumpkinhead is also the first movie I've reviewed that stars Lance Henriksen, an actor that can make the foulest tripe palatable (if you don't believe me, check out Mimic 3. I, for one, am even looking forward to his appearence in Alone in the Dark II).

This is a terrific horror film, one of the best of the 80s. The story opens in 1957 and the first thing I noticed was the terrificaly rich atmosphere and the great score, full of dark ominous beats and a little twang. Danny Elfman meets Deliverance. A family living in an isolated farmhouse has battened down the hatches for the night. For they're aware that a creature is out stalking the forest searching for the prey it has been charged with killing. In this case, a suspected rapist. A man begins pounding on the door, but the father refuses to help him. The farmer's son asks his mother "why won't pa help that man?" To become involved is to subject yourself, and your family, to Pumpkinhead's wrath. Strangely enough, the atmosphere in the film's opening reminded me of a cross between Sleepy Hollow and The Night of the Hunter.

Cut to present day. The young boy, named Ed Harley, has grown up to be Lance Henriksen. He occupies the same farmhouse with his own youngin (that's what they call them in this picture), a sweet little kid with coke bottle eyeglasses. He reminded me of the kid in Jerry Maguire, only half as annoying. The love is evident between them and only an actor of Henriksen's caliber can get away with a line like "Your gramma used to wash my hands. She had tissue paper skin. It felt so good." Like most horror films, this is a morality tale about those that do wrong and have wrong done unto them. In this case, the wrongers are a bunch of young city slickers weekending in a small southern mountain town where they can practice their dirtbiking and boozing. The group consists of standard horror movie fodder, such as the black leather jacket wearing asshole, the slut, the virgin, the sympathetic curly haired nerd, and so on. We know what's in store for them because they're drinking heavily on the trip to the mountain. On the way, they stop at a grocery store, run by Ed Harley, but promptly run over his son with their dirtbikes. Ok, it was an accident, I suppose. It's kinda heartrending when Harley brings his son home and has to listen to his last spoken word, "daddy."

The real character to blame is the asshole in leather, named Joel. Harley decides to spread the blame around, however, when he calls upon the old witch Haggis, who lives up on Black Ridge. A spindly, awful old witch who, as far as I can tell, has one power. The power to call upon pumpkinhead. Pumpkinhead is buried in an old pumpkin patch out by razorback hollow (the names are fantastic). Linus was nowhere to be found, but I didn't look too closely from under my blanket. Anyway, He brings the body of P-head back to the witch who raises him with a few incantations and some drops of Harley's blood. Harley's blood is key because now he and P-head have a firm bond, almost like blood brothers, but stronger. Pumpkinhead is a horrifying creation, reminiscent, I suppose, of the Aliens in AvP. He's got a similar elongated head and sharp, jutting shoulders. Once he's commisioned to a task (in this case, killing all the city folk) he can't be called off of it. There's a catch, however. As each city folk succumbs to Pumpkinhead, Harley feels their pain. I'm not sure if it was the pain, or just general second thoughts, that caused him to ally with the remaining city people and try to put an end to this night of terror. When they encounter Harley for the first time that night, and he says "come with me...", I really wanted him to finish that up with "if you want to live". It took a few minutes of escaping, but then he finally said "you want to live?" and I felt like cheering.

I truly dig this picture. The characters are all note perfect, especially Henriksen as Harley, but also "Buck" Flowers, who turns in some great character work as Mr. Wallace. Brian Bremer is entirely convincing as Bunt, the young hick boy that allies himself with the city slickers. Also, Florence Schauffler as the old witch, Haggis. It's a relatively gore free film, which I actually appreciated. I mean, there are plenty of impalings and sickening noises, but nothing is lingered on. Mostly filmed at night, so the blood is hard to make out. Pumpkinhead is shown in pieces, and mostly in shadow, until the end as Winston follows the "less is more" philosophy of filmmaking. There's a great scene where some survivors try to find solace in an old wrecked church, and Pumpkinhead stands on the cusp, basically giving the middle finger to a religion he has no part in. I haven't seen any of the Pumpkinhead sequels, but something tells me CGI has found it's place in this world. I'll get to them eventually. Why does this movie continue to be unappreciated?

Hellraiser (1987)

This guy, Pinhead, kind of got grouped incorrectly with those big three slasher movie villains from the 1980s, in my opinion. Of course, I am referring to Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Dr. Giggles. Just kidding. Dr. Giggles is from the early 1990s, otherwise, he'd be there. The other guy is, of course, Freddy Kreuger. This is absurd. First of all, Pinhead or lead cenobite, as he is referred to in Hellraiser, is NOT a slasher. This is not a slasher film. This is more of a mystical horror film, dealing with a realm where pleasure and pain are one and the same. Pinhead, I'm pretty sure, has never ACTUALLY killed anyone. Instead, he is more of a guide, or as Pinhead, himself, puts it, he's an "explorer in the further regions of experience." Whatever that means. Still, he's an incredibly memorable character considering that his screentime in the original Hellraiser amounts to barely five minutes. The scene where the cenobites first appear are some startlingly terrifying images, with "the chatterer" somehow managing to freak me out even more than Pinhead. Pinhead, unlike the three slashers I mentioned above, is a man, or demon, of eloquent dialogue. Myers and Voorhees never speak. Kreuger speaks mostly in puns, from what I remember (or maybe I'm thinking of the Gingerdead Man, the other burnt slasher), a form of dialect Pinhead would scoff at.

Arguably, Pinhead and his band of cenobites aren't even villains. The people they punish in this picture are certainly not good people. The story begins in England with Frank (Sean Chapman) attempting to solve an Oriental puzzle box in his home. Upon solving the puzzle, which, to me, looks to be ridiculously easy, the rooms starts to shift a bit, and blue lights begin emanating through the cracks in the walls. Suddenly, chained hooks fly out of the walls and embed themselves in his flesh. After Frank is torn apart, the Cenobites, lead by Lead Cenobite or Pinhead (Doug Bradley) as he is later called, appear to inspect the situation. In a little twist on the puzzle box, Pinhead puts the pieces of Frank's face back together. Unfortunately, having solved the puzzle of Frank's face, we're not rewarded with any kind of sadomasochistic torture.

It is perhaps a few months later, when Frank's brother Larry (Andrew Robinson) and his 2nd wife Julia (Claire Higgins) move into that same house, now abandoned. They just assume Frank is off on one of his adventures. It's pretty clear that Julia is not a terrific person either during these scenes, especially when she looks through Frank's things and ogles over his pictures (several including her). Oh, and we also flashback to a scene where they are doing it, in case you need it spelled out for you. By "doing it" I mean fucking.

So, Larry and Julia are moving in as I mentioned before. "Moving in" usually entails lifting things, often furniture. Larry hires the two laziest movers in England and ends up doing much of the work himself, which unfortunately includes moving an unbendable box spring upstairs, while trying to avoid that rusty nail jutting out of the wall. The scene is pretty predictable because we see that nail for about a minute before his hand scrapes across it. We do learn that Larry is basically a pussy here because he screams and runs to Julia (hiding out in the attic) for help, all the while complaining that he's about to pass out. The blood from his hand drips on the attic floor and somehow that's how Frank begins his journey back into reality. It doesn't make too much sense, but I don't really follow the rules of the Cenobites. Frank, begins as a slightly pulsating heart beneath the floorboards. The blood from Larry's wound is enough to turn Frank into a skeleton with about half a torso and a, barely, flesh covered skull. It's enough for him to begin talking again, however, and he begs Julia to bring some men back to the apartment, so he can suck their blood and fat through a straw and, thereby, regenerate himself. These scenes, as a child, had me turning off the TV and gagging, but since then, I've become so desensitized to gore that I just sort of shrugged and said "Is that all?"

Anyway, without giving too much away, the rest of the plot involves the lovely Kirsty (played by Ashley Lawrence), Larry's daughter who is suspicious of her stepmother. Clearly, with good reason. At one point, she comes into possession of the puzzle box, solves it, and makes a deal with Pinhead and friends to save her soul. A quick comment about the puzzle box. Why is this thing so easy to solve? As far as I could tell, all you do is press a button on the side, the thing opens up and then the cenobites appear. There's no challenge to it. I'm guessing the cenobites had an earlier box, but no one could solve it so they all sat around twiddling their thumbs and watching their "stories" on the television. Finally, the chatterer (Nicholas Vince) or butterball (Simon Bamford) or even more likely, the female (Grace Kirby) said "enough is enough, i'm fucking bored" and convinced Pinhead to tone down the difficulty level on the thing. It sorta lessens the meaning though when Pinhead says "The box. You opened it. We came." It would be really easy to accidentaly drop the thing or bump into it as you're moving a dresser across the room. I think they should give you a mulligan the first time you open it. If, after accidentaly opening it once, you are stupid enough to not get rid of the thing or put it in a safety deposit box somewhere, then you deserve to have the hooks tear into your flesh as Pinhead taunts you with lines like "No tears please, it's a waste of good suffering." Still, the bottom line? These cenobites are badass, but if you want to experience them fully, you'll have to watch the sequels. They're barely in this one.

Hellraiser's real villain is not Pinhead or any of the Cenobites, but instead, it's Frank, the man who would do anything to escape them. As a HUMAN, Frank wasn't really a good guy because he fucked his brother's wife, amongst other things. He's clearly a master manipulator. He somehow managed to escape the Cenobites, so he must be resourceful. As a puss dripping ATTIC MONSTER, Frank is just, well, he's just really fucking disgusting. Even when he finally get's his skin on, it never seems to fit right. He's constantly adjusting the skin under his eye. The line around his hair seems to be coming undone. The worst scene is when he smokes a cigarette BEFORE getting his new skin. I'm just glad he didn't try this before his lungs had fully redeveloped. But yeah, he's a terrible brother, a terrible uncle, an even worse lover, and, as it turns out, a revolting monster.

This is Clive Barker's directorial debut (based on his original story The Hellbound Heart) and he does a pretty good job with it. The photography is a little too stagnant at times, but the effects still hold up today. Not just the gore, but what little we see of the Cenobite realm, the beast within the mysterious hallway, the flying dragon like thing at the end (you know. the thing that morphed from the homeless guy?). The performances were excellent, in particular Claire Higgins as Julia and the guy that played "regenerating Frank" (Oliver Smith) or, as I intend to call him in the future, "Frank-Thing". The actor portraying "human Frank" was terrible. Ashley Lawrence is suitably inquisitive and cute, the perfect heroine. Barker would go on to some even more ambitious films (Nightbreed and Lord of Illusions), but would never achieve the success he finds here. I recommend the immediate sequel to this called Hellbound: Hellraiser 2, especially if nonsensical plotting and sex with skinless women is your kind of thing. Ashley Lawrence and Claire Higgins return for that one, as does Doug Bradley, billed as Pinhead for the first time.

If Pinhead were here with me right now, he'd probably want to add something like "watch this movie or I'll tear your soul apart." If Frank were here with me right now, I'd be dead and he'd probably be fucking my girlfriend. Now THAT's evil.

Splatter Farm (1987)

"I rank this with our top favorite pictures, not our top best pictures."
-Splatter Farm writer/director John or Mark Polonia (I couldn't tell
which one)

"If you think Splatter Farm is shit, you should see some of THEIR stuff."
-one of the Polonia brothers responding to rejection by one of
several distributors

This is the most poorly made geek show I have ever seen.

What the hell was Marion Costly thinking? She's apparently the grandmother of one of the filmmakers, I think of Todd Rimatti (who played Jeremy). She plays an elderly farmer that sleeps with the skeleton of her dead husband/brother, drugs and rapes her visiting nephews, and for the coup de grace, has a piece of live dynamite shoved into her privates. Yikes. Perhaps I could understand if this were a studio production, but this is as amateur as it gets. She's certainly not getting paid a dime. The movie was shot in the late 1980s, so I can't imagine she's still alive. This is her legacy. Splatter Farm is her fucking legacy! I can only imagine the pitch. "Hey grandma, me and my buddies from school are making a movie. We need an old woman, are you game? We can't ever pay you, but you'll get to drug us and there will be implied sex, so there is that. Oh, and at the end you get blown up real good. Also, you were raped by your brother and the offspring becomes a horrific serial killer that likes to anally fist his victims and smear their feces all over their faces. He pees on them too, and also has sex with their severed heads. Are you still with me Grams? It gets better. After urinating on and fisting one of your nephews, your inbred offspring stabs him with a pitchfork and buries him in the backyard. He even licks the headless stump of a victim at one point and eats a heart freshly plucked from a corpse. Um, oh, and at the end, we'll force some dynamite in your..ahem...you know where....and well, c'mon Grams, it'll be fun!"

I really have no idea where to begin. This is a terrible film made by retarded high schoolers and, what must be, the single most senile grandmother alive (at the time). It's shot on extremely cheap video. It's clearly inspired by Texas Chainsaw Massacre, although the brothers reference Blood Cult at one point. Yes, I watched the "making of" featurette, which is infinitely superior to the film it supplements, in the hopes of shedding some light on Mrs Costly's decision to appear in this thing. Unfortunately, I didn't find what I was looking for.

I should have turned it off by the fifth minute when Jeremy, after severing the hand of an obviously fake corpse, sticks that same hand in his unzipped fly, a fly that remains unzipped the entire picture. I strongly believe these kids (now likely in their late 30s) should be put away for a few years. I can't really object to the content. Yeah, it's extremely taboo and disturbing, especially coming from the minds of children (although, the brothers Polonia were sporting some pretty nice scumstaches), but it still could have been presented in an entertaining way, shot somewhat competently. No, these guys should be put away for putting their grandmother in this film. There's no way she had any clue what she was getting into. At just one hour, this thing was an hour too long. As obscene as the content was, it still moved at a snails pace. Why didn't I turn it off? Why?? The best moment of the film was when one of the brothers says "I'm sorry to interrupt lunch, but I got to take a shit." Yes, the cast was full of retarded rednecks. I won't complain about the acting. It's terrible, but that's to be expected. The gore effects were inventive, I suppose, when you consider the age of the filmmakers. Which is to say, NOT very inventive at all.

I guess I found out what my limits are.

Poor, poor Marion Costly. May you rest in peace.

I'm planning on reviewing/recommending a couple of movies on Halloween. I recommend this thing only if you're a masochist. Please don't give them your money. Based on the featurette, the Polonia brothers seem to have retired. I certainly don't want to give them any motivation. I'm thinking about scratching up the copy I got from Netflix.

Epilogue:
I just checked IMDB. The Polonia brothers have been consistently releasing movies EVERY year. Splatter Beach is their latest effort. Never mind.

30 Days of Night (2007)

I wasn't going to write this One up until I read Owen Gleiberman's revieW in the October 26 issuE of Entertainment Weekly. GleibermaN gives 30 Days OF Night a D rating and refers to It as a "soporific splatterfest" without realizing the oxmoronic quality of his phrasing. His scathing treatiSe continues as he sarastically derides the picture's basic premise As a "fright film that takes place entirely at night (what a revolutionary new concept!)" In this instance, his attack works, but ONLY if the film took place over the course of one regular night. It's right in the fucking title Mr. Gleiberman. 30 DAYS. A month of night. I'm pretty sure THAT's never been Done before. I guess Pitch Black cOmes pretty close to conveying an extended nightime, but I'm also pretty sUre Vin Diesel and Company were only on that rock for a day or two. Gleiberman calls Danny Huston's character, Marlow, a "tall, brooding, and rather natty scowler who bears a disquieting resemblance to Neil Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys". This isn't really true, but Gleiberman gets away with his "witty" little line because very few people even know what Neil Tennat looks like. The line that, for me, proved Gleiberman was having a bad day, when He wrote the review, was when he talks about Hartnett's character, Sheriff Eben Oleson. He actually says very little about Hartnett other than "he looks (like he's) about to cry", as if a malE character, the supposed tough guy, showing vulnerability is a contributing factor to a flawed picture. It's actually kind of refreshing. Look, Hartnett is far from a great actor, but he was more than proficient in this one. Did Gleiberman expect him to be like Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal? I might be wrong, but I think if you put any bad ass motherfucker in Oleson's situation there's an excellent chance he'd break down and cry like a little girl. Of course we are all entitled to our opinions and Mr. Gleiberman is certainly entitled to his. Unfortunately, far too many critics these days appear to choose an angle before seeing a picture, and then run with it. This movie is really critic proof, however, but it should still be reviewed on its own merits. Roger Ebert, of the Chicago Sun Times, wrote a perfectly fine, humorous review where he gave it two and a half stars (out of four) because it is "well made, well photographed, and plausibly acted and is better than it needs to be." Ebert, probably my favorite critic after the incomporable Vern, understands it's a genre film and reviewed it as such. I'm not sure Gleiberman understood that.

Of course none of that matters. What really matters is, what did I think? It's probably the best vampire picture since Blade 2. That's a pretty big fucking compliment actually because Blade 2 is pretty much a masterpiece and the ONLY film from that series I can watch more than once. David Slade (Hard Candy) did a more than competent job behind the camera, but the thing that really blew me away was the atmosphere, the sense of isolation and impending doom. Obviously, the first movie that might spring to mind is The Thing because of the arctic setting. It's the day of the first night before the annual month long darkness in the town of Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost town in the United States. Barrow is cut off from civilization by over 300 miles of wilderness and the only way in or out of town is the airport. So, when a mysterious stranger (Ben Foster), with receding gums and gristly stained teeth, wanders into town and demands some raw hamburger at the local diner one might think there would be some more questions asked. The stranger eventually ends up in a jail cell watched over by Sheriff Oleson (Josh Harnett) and forecasts a long fucking night ahead of everyone. It's not until all the cell phones are burned (I'm not sure how THEY managed to steal them all), the sleigh dogs are slaughtered, and the power is cut off that Oleson and friends start to think that maybe, just maybe, he might be right.

Exactly WHAT is coming, is not shown for a little while. Sure, we see silhouetes in the distance and hear sudden whooshes during an attack. These vampires are lightning quick and work their magic by grabbing a victim and pulling him or her into the darkness. Later, we learn that they are actually a society of vamps who have come thousands of miles to feed on Barrow, a town cloaked in 30 days of darkness. I guess I did have a question though. I mean, it's a great idea in theory, but Barrow can't have more than a population of 100 (especially after several of the townsfolk head south), ok, I think the sign indicated there were 121. Well, at least 75% are killed the first night. So, that's 29 more days of night to go with no more than 25 people left to feed on and the problem now become an issue of finding these people who, led by Hartnett and his pretty ex-wife Stella (Melissa George) have found a pretty decent hiding place in a hidden attic. I don't know, if Barrow had like a thousand people it would probably be a sound idea. The first night was like an all you can eat buffet at Old Country. The next 29 were more akin to dinner at one of those fancy french bistros i've heard about where snooty waiters dish out portions fit for a cabbage patch kid. Certainly wouldn't be my first choice. And, on top of the food supply running out, did I mention that this picture takes place in the northernmost town in the country? It's fucking cold. I guess that might not bother you too much if you're one of the undead and your blood's already cold. As Ben Foster's stranger tells us, "that ain't the cold coming, that's death."

Still, that minor plot hole aside, this is a pretty kick ass movie with some stunning photography. There were some snow squall images which were simply beautiful. The town of Barrow itself was a pretty amazing set, and we are even treated to a fantastic image of the first nightime massacre from above the town, as the camera slowly pans down mainstreet, as if mounted to a helicopter. I'll allow that this shot was most likely CGI, but it certainly didn't point itself out as such. The acting across the board was impressive, at least for this type of picture. No, no one's going to win an oscar, but they were all clearly comfortable and having fun in their roles. Special notice goes to Danny Huston (Children of Men) as the vampire leader Marlow, an actor who has played one of the most iconic villains of the last ten years in the unfortunately underseen film, The Proposition. Huston seems to relish the role and it's encouraging to see such a fine actor "slum" it every once in a while. The vampires speak in a strange gutteral language that sounds like a bunch of "click click derks", but adds to the overall creepiness. They do a lot of screeching and walk around with blood beards as they're clearly not into washing up after dinner. I think I saw Marilyn Manson as one of the vampires, but I'm not sure. Also effective, was Ben Foster, who I'm glad to see doesn't think too highly of himself to take what others might consider a throw away role and really turn it into something worth talking about. He kind of reminds me of a young Sean Penn, although, in this one, he looked like a very old, homeless Sean Penn.

The film is full of gory images and I loved how nothing came easy. By that, I mean, it usually took 3 or 4 good whacks with an axe before a head finally came off. Speaking of The Thing, there is one decapitation scene that reminded me of Rob Bottin's excellent work in that, where the head, after several good swings, was sort of hanging on by a few threads, probably the most disgusting scene. Watching this movie with an audience was pretty disturbing at times. I didn't really need to hear the rousing applause for the child decapitation scene, that was pretty much a firm crossing of the line. You guys are sick fucks.

This really is a terrific GENRE film. It's a perfect halloween movie. From what I've heard the ending here isn't quite as bleak as the ending of the graphic novel. Well, I wouldn't say we're actually treated to a happy ending, pretty much everyone that stayed behind in the town dies, including the aforementioned child. The film really accomplishes everything it set out to. I don't think I've seen vampires in the arctic before, so that was something new. It's an idea for a picture I wish I had thought of. The film has terrific atmosphere, plenty of the spraying red stuff, a few moments of humor, and a roving band of zombie-esque vampires. Between this and I Am Legend in December, I might be vampired out come January. But, I wouldn't count on it. Still, I both lament and rue the fact that Slade didn't find it necessary to show us Stella's, what must be freezing rock hard, nipples. Spoiler alert! She made it till dawn, so maybe in the sequel. End spoiler.

They Live (1988)

It's up to Rowdy Roddy Piper to save the world in John Carpenter's most unheralded classic, They Live. This picture deserves mention alongside other Carpenter classics such as Halloween, The Thing, Escape From New York, and Big Trouble in Little China. Piper plays John Nada, a mulletted drifter, who finds himself looking for construction work in 1980s Los Angeles. He befriends super badass Keith David (The Thing) and is introduced to his world of communal living. In other words, he's a bum. Society, it seems, has slowly been taking a turn during these Reagan years, as the destitute far outnumber the comfortable. Piper is an optimist, however, and believes if he puts in his time, good things will happen to him. Boy, he couldn't be more fucking wrong.

His unbridled optimism is squelched when he finds a pair of special sunglasses, which allow him to see the world as it really is. Subliminal messages everywhere! Conform! Consume! Marry and Reproduce! Obey! And, printed on cash: This is your god! If that wasn't enough, it seems one out of every three humans is, in reality, a walking fucking skeleton from outer space! Of course, Piper won't stand for this and at one point get's to utter one of the greatest lines in film history, "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass.....and I'm all out of bubblegum."

The film is probably most noteworthy for featuring the greatest back alley brawl in the history of back alley brawls,in my opinion, between Piper and David. Lasting nearly seven minutes, it goes on long past any semblance of reason. I even forgot why they were fighting, until Piper tried forcing a pair of shades on a nearly comatose David. It's certainly not a clean fight as we're witness to vicious ball crushing, hand biting, titty twisting, and a couple of back breakers thrown in for good measure. Crank up the volume for this scene, trust me.

This is more of an 80s style sci-fi actioner than horror film, but on that level, it really is magnificent. Although, I have to say, I'm not sure what's creepier. The unmasked aliens or Meg Foster's (Leviathan) impersonation of a human? (see directly below). Scary, isn't it?

There's an unbelievable scene where Foster throws Piper out of a three story home, built on the side of a hill, so we're really talking about a four story fall here, but because he's Piper he comes out ok. Of course, this being an 80s film, we've got a final battle royale with Keith David and Roddy Piper tag teaming those Reagonite aliens. This is probably one of those pictures you'll either love or you'll hate. The message is out there front and center, but dammit, Carpenter and company are so earnest in portraying it. The movie features superb performances from David, who needs more exposure and Raymond Jacques as Street Preacher. As for Rowdy Roddy Piper, well, let's just say he's got a future outside of the ring. He was terrific and blows guys like The Rock and Brian Bozworth (yes, I'm aware he was a football player) away when he says things like "Brother. Life's a bitch, and she's back in heat."

This movies worth a rental, at least, and, if anything, should succeed in bringing back the wearing sunglasses indoors look. Oh, shit, it's 2007? Fuck. Still, I stand by this one. Also, I stand by Piper, even if the last film he shot was called Street Team Massacre with Troma's Lloyd Kaufman. Sadly, he didn't use this film to launch his acting career because immediately following They Live, he played a cowboy in the little heard of Buy & Cell and followed that up with The Love Boat: A Valentine Voyage. It's time for John Carpenter to dust him off and put him in a good movie, but unfortunately, Carpenter, himself, hasn't made a good one since, um, They Live.

House By the Cemetary (1981)

"No one will ever know whether the children are monsters or the monsters are children"
-Henry James

Lucio Fulci (Zombie 2 & City of the Living Dead), the director, later admitted he fabricated that quote.

At times terrifying. At times an imcomprehensible mess. Supposedly, inspired by H.P. Lovecraft, but other than the New England setting there really wasn't any comparison. Basically, a pschiatric researcher, Norman, and his family (wife named Lucy and a son named Bob) travel to New Whitney, Massachussetts to stay in an old house by a cemetary. The previous owner killed his mistress and then hung himself, so it seems like a perfectly reasonable place to bring an impressionable young lad. It doesn't take long before Bob is talking to dead girls and playing with creepy dolls. The first night, the family is subjected to a wailing child (not there own, so it must be the wind?), creaking floors, and heavy breathing. Later, they actually hear growling. Eventually, Lucy finds a tomb underneath the floorboards, but it's fine because as Norman tells her "most of the old houses in New England have tombs in them. Really, this isn't New York dear". Well, sure enough, I paused the film and went down into the basement of my apartment. He's fucking right, a god damned tomb. I hope my landlord doesn't raise the rent.

The house in this picture has the creepiest basement in moving picture history, one that even out creepifies my apartment basement. The first time the family goes down there, they are attacked by a giant bat, a bat that Norman pins to a table and stabs repeatedly. This is the kind of scene Fulci is known for. Remember the wood shard to the eyeball scene in Zombi 2? Well, there's nothing here quite that grotesque, but we do witness a firepoker to the abdomen, scissors to the back of a head (and out the mouth), more scissors to a chest, some pretty gory throat ripping, um...hmmm, what else? Oh yeah I forgot about a the maggots pouring out of the stomach scene. I'm pretty sure the villain here used a wooden shard to poke an eyeball, because when we later see the fire poker corpse she is missing her eye, but unfortunately, the director decided to show good taste and cut away. Speaking of cutting away, after a pre title nude scene, there were no more tits, so that was kind of a let down.

Anyway, the villain in this thing is not exactly what you'd expect. It's a late 19th century (movie takes place during the 1970s) scientist named Dr. Freudstein, who had perfected a technique to prolong his life, which involves regenerating his own cells by using the body parts of the living. So, he's lived in the celler for about 100 years, wearing some kind of skin mask that resembles a world war 1 gas mask, and also results in the terrifying heavy breathing Norman and family had been subjected to earlier in the film. Oh, what's that? Exactly what you expected, you say?

When you really break this one down, it's pretty much the opposite of Hellraiser. In that one, Frank, the villain, regenerates himself using the flesh and blood of the living. Sounds similar, but wait. In Hellraiser, he lives in the attic, which is pretty much the opposite of celler. Also, Hellraiser takes place in England, EXACTLY the opposite of New England. Frank has the Claire Huggins character bring dates home, and then she kills them with a hammer. In this thing, we think Freudstein is using the babysitter Anne to lure his victims, but no, he kills them himself. Is having someone kill people for you the opposite of killing them yourself? Or, is it just kinda lazy. Not sure. Anyway, back to Anne, the babysitter. What a physical beauty with an amazing pair of brown eyes. We're treated to several closeups of those eyes, and for a minute, I thought Sergio Leone was directing this one. She inexplicably shows up, sorta like the creepy nanny in the Omen. We see her cleaning up blood from Dr. Freustein's kills, so clearly she is with him right? Then why does he stab her repeatedly with a pair of scissors, and why does she seem shocked to see some freak of nature living in the basement before she dies? What did she think that red stuff was she was scrubbing up earlier? Karo syrup? The little annoying boy, Bob, hears her scream, but can't save her. Later, he goes down to the celler and trips over Anne's disembodied head, but his mom tells him Anne was just fooling around, so Bob gets annoyed that Anne would play such a cruel trick, like taking off her own head, on him.

There is a cemetary adjacent to the house, as well as IN the dining room. As far as I could tell, Freudstein's wife and daughter, likely the girl that Bob talks to, are buried there. Hmm, All the scary scenes involve the celler, but it gets pretty laughable at the end when the entire Norman family goes down there to confront the crazy doctor, who never talks, but just breathes heavily. I'd like to ask him if his life is really worth living, but I don't think he'd give me a very thoughtful response. The ending is completely muddled, but I laughed out loud when Bob came out of the celler after leaving his parents to their horrific demise and encounters the Freudstein women, who treat him as their own. Was Bob killed in the basement? Is he now a ghost? If so, where are his parents? Shouldn't they be ghosts too? Nothing really made sense, but I was still creeped out. Sometimes the best horror movies don't have to make sense. It's all about creating an atmosphere and mixing in a few terrifying set pieces. If that's what you're looking for in a horror picture, this one fits the bill. If you want nudity, don't miss the first minute of this one or you'll be pissed. The dubbing was fine, except for Bob. I think they got a little girl to do his voice and he also sounded the same whether he was terrifyed or playing with his race cars.

It's an older film, I know, but perfect for Halloween. If you look at the DVD cover, you'll know pretty much what to expect. My first thought when I started watching this was "it's a low rent Shining" and I stand by that, but, now, would like to modify it a little by saying "it's a low rent Shining, only if Jack was good and named Norman instead, and his wife was hot (no offense Shelly Duval), and his young boy Bob talked like a girl, but instead of a haunted hotel, we have a seemingly haunted house, but there's actually a physical presence in the celler, sorta like Frank from Hellraiser, and it kills everyone that stays in the house, so he can extend his pretty pathetic life indefinitely, and he's got a dead family, I'm sure he killed them, like in The Shining, only he doesn't have twin girls, but his daughter still talks to Bob, who seems to have telepathy at the beginning, but that plot strand is completely dropped...and instead of a topiary garden...or a garden maze, we have a cemetary, but nothing of note really happens there, except for the time when the real estate agent backs over a tombstone and then curses that same tombstone for dinging up her car, and there's also some nudity in this one too, but it's far superior to the nudity in The Shining bathtub scene". I guess I'll end there.

Flight of the Living Dead (2007)

Snakes on a Plane, this is not. It IS a zombie movie. It DOES take place on a plane, however. I liked how the entire picture was set on the plane, with the exception of a few cuts to a pentagon staff room, where the military was trying to decide whether or not to first) alert the president, and second) shoot down the plane. The premise is pretty simple. A couple of scientists, contracted by Medcon, have discovered a new strain of the Malaria virus in a rare species of mosquito, located in an isolated area in Vietnam. This is the rarest kind of malaria because it kills it's host in seconds, but then regenerates them shortly thereafter. So, they test the virus on Dr. Kelly Thorp, the wife of Dr. Lucas Thorp (Dale Midkiff) and then contain her in some kind of bio-unit, and stick that unit in the cargo hold of a Paris bound commerical flight because, apparently, Medcon can't really afford to charter their own.

It's pretty straightforward actually. See, the plane flys into an awful storm system, but the pilot (Raymond Barry) instills confidence by saying "not to worry. We'll deviate left and thread the needle". I think I'd rather him just fly over it, but anyway, the ride get's bumpy and that bio-unit is jarred loose. The armed guard in the biohazard suit is quickly zombiefied, but not before he unloads a magazine from his uzi into the fuse box. Yes, all planes of this ilk have basement like fuse boxes in the cargo holds. If you don't believe me, email the FAA, it's standard regulation. So, now, the copilot, has to go down to the cargo hold to check things out, but the chief Medcon bozo is worried, so he sends Dr. Dale Midkif (Pet Semetary) and Dr. Sebastian down to the cargo hold with the copilot. Evidently, these cargo holds are located at the end of a labyrinthine maze of tin foil lined cardboard, but once there, Midkiff and friend are made a quick meal of (at least they still serve dinner on international flights) and the copilot runs back to the short term safety of the cockpit.

Sadly, no one believes the poor copilot, who has pretty much gone insane, but then a prisoner being transported on the plane, played by John Malkovich, goes missing, so maybe he killed the two docs down below? So, now, the governement agent named Truman (David Chisum), overseeing the transporting of Malkovich, teams up with mumbling bohemian Federal Air Marshall Richard Tyson (the mumbling, not quite bohemian step father in Big Bad Wolf) to go back down to the cargo hold and bring back the prisoner. Only, it's not the prisoner, but a few malarified zombie bitches, who've eluded detection by crawling into the ductwork (again standard on all major airlines) connecting to the rest of the plane. Later, we learn it couldn't have been Malkovich nawing on all those people because he's a vegetarian. It's at this point that total mayhem ensues and apparently, in a response to 9-11, everyone, including passengers, are allowed to have guns on a plane. I counted about a thousand rounds being expelled and there was even a makeshift bomb that, somehow, incinerated, dozens of zombies but left the fuselage in tact. The zombies in this picture make an awful wraith-like screeching sound before plunging into your neck and secretly aiming little concealed hoses that shoot out geysers of the red stuff. I was sad when the nun had her legs chewed off. Unfortunately, there was a "mile high club" scene that went absolutely nowhere, so clearly they learned nothing from snakes on a plane.

I liked the pilot, played by Raymond J. Barry (Senator Dick Matheson, in the X files) who was on his last flight before retiring to a nice peaceful life of Alaskan cruises and Hawaiian beaches. I liked the black character in this one, the professional golfer named William "you can call him 'Long Shot' " Freeman. His wife, Anna, was a jealous alchoholic that got mad whenever Long Shot would stroke his putter while in his seat. Anyway, the pentagon sends out a few F-16s to shoot down the plane, so time is limited and, checking my watch I notice there's only about 10-15 minutes left. By this point, Barry (the pilot, remember) is dead, but not quite dead, so they have to get to the cockpit, so that Malkovich can land the plane. Malkovich once stole a drug lords jet and crash landed it, so that's how we know, very early on, that he'll be the one landing that thing, which is a more realistic spin on Snakes on a Plane, which had Big Leroy land the thing because he once set a record in some video game. On the way to the cockpit, the last remaining stewardess pokes an umbrella through a zombies head and then opens it, and at this scene i kinda got pissed off. What is it with the laws of physics in these movies? a flimsy plastic umbrella is not going to poke through a recently dead skull. Perhaps if that zombie had been dead a few more months and the bone had turned somewhat gelatinous, but at this point in the decomposing stages, no fucking dice, it's just not happening. I was with this picture up until that point, but there's only so much shit I can buy.

Continuing, there's a great scene where Truman shoots a zombie twice in the chest and Richard Tyson follows that up with a gunshot to the crotch area and then Tyson says, "two in the chest, one in the balls, that's what I always say"...and it made me kinda want to hang with him. Even convicted felon John Malkovich is given a gun, but he couldn't hit the broad side of a fuselage, although if he was aiming for that seat cushion I'd commend him by saying "good shot". Sadly, Tiger...Long Shot and wife don't make it all the way...and sacrifice themselves by opening the emergency exit, which, I keep hearing is something you don't want to do when 30,000 feet in the air, but now it looks kinda fun, especially if you're cornered by zombies. Before getting into the cockpit, Malkovich is accosted by an elderly zombie and we think he's finished because she bites him on the arm, but then he yells out because she's "gumming him to death" instead and everything is ok, but it was still good for a laugh.

Now, our TRUE heroes of Flight 239 are safely in the cockpit and Malkovich can finally land the plane, but only if he can switch off the autopilot and he'd better hurry because the F-16 has moved into firing position...and suddenly it does....fire. Well, the missile takes about a minute to arrive, because that's how long it takes to switch off the autopilot and take evasive action, but then they remembered they're in a 747, so evasive maneuvering isn't really in the cards for them, but thankfully the F-16 pilot isn't the best shot, so the missile just opens up a hole in the side of the plane and it's no big deal because they were about to land anyway and it also evened out the pressure a bit because before "Long Shot" and his wife said adios, they opened the exit on the opposite side of the plane. So, now they're level and land on a mountain. I was confused because I thought they were flying to Paris, but then towards the end they were restricted from flying over Canadian airspace, so maybe they moved Paris to Quebec or something. We are set up for a sequel, because one of the Zombies that blew out of the plane at 30,000 feet landed in the engine, but he held on before burning up completely and then after the plane crash landed, he pulled out half his charred corpse and started making faces at the camera. But don't take my word for it, watch this one yourself.

Recommended if your local video store is out of the following zombie titles:

Army of Darkness, Astro-Zombies, The Beyond, Beyond Re-animator, Boy Eats Girl, Dead Alive, Bride of Re-animator, Cemetary Man, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, Bud The C.H.U.D., City of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead (original & remake), Day of the Dead (original and the yet to be released remake), Day of the Dead 2: Contagiun (not related to Day of the Dead in any way, and I've never seen it, but I'm sure it's better), Dead & Breakfast (awful), Dead & Buried, Dead Heat, Dead Meat, Evil Dead I & II, Gangs of the Dead, Fido (comes out next week), Hell of the Living Dead, Hood of the Living Dead, House of the Dead 2, Land of the Dead, Lifeforce, Night of the Comet, Night of the Creeps, any Night of the Living Dead (even the terrible colorized version), the Dale Midkiff classic Pet Semetary, Re-animator, All Resident Evils, Return of the Living Dead 1-5, Return of the Blind Dead, The Serpent and The Rainbow, anything by Rob Zombie, Slither, Severed, Tombs of the Blind Dead, Undead, Zombi II (the one with the shark vs zombie battle) and Zombi III (the one that stinks), Zombigeddon, and Weekend at Bernies II. If none of these are available, you can't go wrong renting this guy.

Thanks and God bless.