Monday, June 23, 2008

Havoc (2005)

It was recently brought to my attention that, lately, I've become a little too infatuated with certain parts of the female anatomy. I'd prefer to not turn off any of my audience but, it's right there in this blog's tagline: "Also boobies." Still, point taken. I'll try to limit my obsession. I'll probably only talk about them once a month or so. This is upsetting on several levels because Havoc stars the sublime Anne Hathaway and, guess what? She shows them. I guess I can't talk about her glorious breasts which are, quite frankly, perfection personified. She shows them twice. There's even a great shot of her ass cleavage. Oh man, is this fucking disheartening. Jesus christ people, this is probably the only movie Ms. Hathaway will ever star in that actually qualifies for this blog. Unless she starts appearing in schlock involving aliens, mutated wildlife, killer fire bugs, post apocalyptic worlds, or satanic hippies this is likely it. Fuck, all I want to talk about are her perky little nipples which are clearly her own (since they're in the same shot as her gorgeous face). I'm pretty sure they didn't go the Megan Fox route and allow her to wear pasties so they can CG on some nipples at a later date. Fuck that bullshit. These are the real deal, but I can't even mention the god damned things in this review. Shit man.

At this point, you're probably wondering why Havoc would even qualify for a write up? It's fucking abysmal, that's why. It's the story of some high schoolers living in Pacific Palisades who are completely infatuated with gangland culture. These kids are white and spoiled. There's a word for them, but I'm not sure I can say it without offending anyone in my audience that might be one.* The "kids" are played by Anne Hathaway (Allison), Bijou Phillips (Emily), Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Sam) and Matt O'Leary (Eric). During one night of partying, they decide to travel to East LA in their luxury SUV and score some good shit. The deal doesn't go particularly well when Freddy Rodriguez (Hector) takes advantage of their naievte and sells them less than they paid for. Eric stands up to him and ends up pissing himself. Allison and Emily, on the other hand, are completely turned on and seek to gain access into Hector's world. This shit happens all the time.

I don't know, maybe this shit does happen all the time, but certainly not within the phony crash-esque world created by Stephen Gaghan. Gaghan is the writer of this film as well as the more well known Traffic. He also was the writer and director of Syriana. Syriana and Traffic, while far from perfect, are clearly the better pictures. Gaghan is interested in clashing cultures but he really did a fucking shitty job of showing that here. This is like that episode of "Beverly Hills 90210" when their culture clashed with "Melrose Place". Remember the one where Kelly nearly banged Jake? This is like that one. I cannot believe that this is a real portrayal of Latino culture. Everyone's a god damned stereotype. They drink from 40s, wear bandanas, and "go to 16th street". 16th street, in case you're not familiar, is a game where a girl rolls a die. Depending on what number comes up, that's how many guys she has to have sex with. Hathaway rolls a one. Of course Bijou rolls a number slightly more than one (has Phillips ever been cast as anything other than a slutty broad?). Why do people still cast her in their pictures? She's not that attractive although, believe me, I'd do her. She debuted in a film about ten years ago (Black and White) with an identical subject to Havoc and, where she also played a high schooler. Unfortunately, for her, in Havoc she looks like she's about 38. To top it all off, she can't act. I guess it helps to have famous parents. I did like her reaction to rolling a three with the die: "That's cool, I can handle three. It's just sex."

Hathaway acquits herself ok, although she does have several painful scenes most of which involve her singing "black" songs. There's a scene with her and Bijou on the bed that's completely homoerotic (the good kind) that ends with Hathaway telling poor Bijou "I don't think I could go down on you." The one scene that worked for me involved the two in their car trying to smoke crack and doing a very bang up job at it. Trust me, I don't know how to smoke crack. Still, I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to fly out the window. I also dont think it's very cool to say "crack is whack" while doing it. Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a terrific young actor. Check out his work in Brick and The Lookout. He's terrible in this thing. He's relegated to mumbling in a faux spanish accent; a rich, young white kid trying to be hispanic. By far, the most shallow performance in the picture. Also, his haircut sucks. Michael Biehn, usually amazing, is completely wasted as Hathaway's father. Why bother putting him in this mess?

That pretty much leaves us with Freddie Rodriguez, another great young actor (see Harsh Times also from 2005) just playing a type. Other than selling drugs, pistol whipping over priviledged white jack asses, and banging white chicks there's nothing to his character. Actually, Not one character in this piece of shit has more than one personality trait. Sure, Hathaway reveals that "we're just bored teenagers" but not one of her actions are justified by the script. Spoiler: She plays "16th street" but decides not to go through with it at the last minute. She forces Bijou to leave as well (not quite in time to stop Bijou from comsumating the game). Bijou, in humiliation, goes to the cops and accuses the Latinos of gang raping her. Hathaway rats her out as a liar. This is kind of a gray area. It wasn't rape, I guess, but those guys (as portrayed in this film) are still scum bags. In Bijou's defense, she was pretty hammered. Still, this leads to a funny scene when the Latinos travel to Pacific Pallisades to shut Bijou up. Only, they get lost and end up heading back to East LA with their tails between their legs.

In closing, Hathaway is allowed to star in a piece of shit every now and then. Even, if that piece of shit is borderline racist. Hector, at one point, says "Fuckin' white people!". Oh, and the Latinos don't come off very well either. All the men do is gang bang and party while their pregnant wives stay at home with their many kids. I guess Gaghan got better in his scriptwriting. I don't know, maybe the director (Barbara Kopple....a woman!) fucked it up. It's interesting that Mandy Moore was originally cast in the Hathaway role. That film would have been completely unwatchable. No fucking way would we have seen her you know whats.

*can I say "wigger"?


elmo said...

My wigger sensibilities have been trampled by this review. Thou art a base villien.

Samizzle said...

Shit, homey, this movie was TRU!

Sam said...

No need to waste your time with "Get Smart," Brian--unless of course you wanted to make fun of it for us. I'm not sure there's ever been a leading couple with less chemistry than Anne Hathaway and Steve Carrell.

elmo said...

Have you seen Hidden, from 1987? It's got Kyle Maclachlan and is pretty fantastic.

brian said...

Love 'the hidden'. See my review of 'the hidden 2'.

elmo said...

The dog in "The Hidden" has to be New Line's go-to pooch, since he's also in the fourth Nightmare on Elm Street. Also, it's curious how this slug-through-the-mouth possession was stolen shamelessly by "Jason Goes to Hell." I totally expected to see groaning, melting bodies in "The Hidden."

Megmo Eskimo said...

That's sad that even Anne Hathaway and Freddie Rodriguez (I loved him in 'Six Feet Under' and in 'Planet Terror') couldn't save this film.

And I'm curious as to who's been busting you for writing too much about breats?? I know it wasn't me and I think I can safely say that I am the biggest feminist you know!

Wow...I had forgotten all about 'The Hidden'!! That was a great movie!!