Alone in the Dark (2005)

This film was not at all what I expected. First of all, it doesn't take place in a cave like I assumed it would. The plot is actually pretty complicated. I figured this out about five minutes into the movie when I was still struggling to read the opening scroll. Basically, it tells of a long lost Native American culture called the Abkani, NOT the Abenaki. They believed that our planet consisted of two worlds, light and dark. 10,000 years ago, they opened a gate between the two worlds and while it was opened, allowed something evil through. Then they vanished from the earth. Later, in modern times, Bureau 713 (think X-Files rip off) was established as a government agency to uncover the secrets of this lost civilization (under the direction of Professor Hudgens). Hudgens started conducting experiments on orphaned children hoping to merge man with creature. These orphans became known as "sleepers". There was a little more, but I hit the scan button after the 3rd minute when I started to nod off. That is really the entire plot though and it's all spelled out for you at the start of the film. I think that was probably a mistake on Boll's part. If he could learn to trust his audience a little more, I think he might be better respected. Still, it's a forgiveable offense.

The film stars Christian Slater (Kuffs) as Edward Carnby. He was one of the orphans I mentioned earlier, but lucky for him, he hid while the worst experiment was taking place. Instead of becoming a true "sleeper", he's just mentally fucked up. Carnby grew up to become an agent with the 713, but became so fed up with the beurocratic bullshit that he decided to freelance it. He's also not a guy you want babysitting your kids. When a little boy tells him his mommy said there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark, Carnby replies "Your mother's wrong, kid. Being afraid of the dark is what keeps most of us alive". The kid started crying and wet himself. So, yeah. Not good with kids. Slater was pretty entertaining in this thing. He's definitely improved his Jack Nicholson impersonation over the years. Now, it just comes naturally.

Stephen Dorff played current 713 agent Richard Burke. He's a complete prick and a rivalry is established immediately with Carnby. Obviously, there's some history between these two. Maybe Dorff is still pissed that he lost out to Slater for his role in Interview With The Vampire. Get over it dude, you got to be in Blade. It's pretty clear that Burke isn't the asshole we all think him to be. I had a hunch that he'd be the guy running back into the gate to the other dimension with the bomb that initially didn't detonate properly so Carnby could later take all the credit because Burke was now dead and couldn't say something like "wait a minute dudes, I mean Carnby did ok, but I was the guy that got myself blown up so we could finally close that gate. At least give me a decent epithat." I'm sure if this were the ending, Boll would throw a neat little twist at us, such as Carnby was the prick all along because Carnby didn't even weep for his dead rival even though he just saved his ass so he could continue having unerotic, std laden sex with his new girlfriend (Tara Reid). Still, Dorff was very good in this movie. He took his role seriously (based on the 'making of extra' so did everybody else). He's a good actor and managed to bring some gravitas to the preceedings. Yes, I just used gravitas to describe Stephen Dorff. Moving on...

Speaking of Tara Reid, she is ONE terrible actress. Not only that, but she is the worst kind of terrible actress. The kind that won't even take her clothes off. We know that she is some kind of genius because she has glasses, styles her hair in a bun, and wears a classy skirt. We also know she's intelligent because she can read a teleprompter. Beyond that, this is one of the most wooden, unstimulating performances I've ever seen from a female actress that i would have slept with (ten years ago). To be honest, I'm not even sure that Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan would give her the time of day anymore. She had one sex scene with Carnby scored to a terrible song performed by Boll's house band. The kind of song that wouldn't even show up in an 80s....uh....I almost mentioned the P word. Anyway, it's clear that even Slater is repulsed by her at this point. The two of them have zero chemistry. I'm starting to feel a little bad. Tara, you were never going to have a Lohan-esque career. Sorry, but it's the truth. Still, stop partying so much, get your act together, quit hosting Taradise, and maybe you can fashion a nice, mildly scintillating career on Skinemax. There's still time. How old are you? 25? Oh, what's that? You're actually 32? Maybe you can live off your Scrubs residuals??

Back to Boll. He made half a decent movie here. The other half was beyond terrible. Uwe has no clue how to stage an effective fight scene. I couldn't tell what the hell was going on during any of them. I thnk he was going for some sort of kinetic chaos. He overelies on the slo-mo blurry effect. I guess he shouldn't be given props for being the first guy to use this style. To me, it shows that they were staged horribly to begin with, so Boll's plan was to "get it in editing" only there was nothing there to get, so he had to cheat. Unlike most cheaters, he still didn't win. I actually enjoyed the creature designs. Am I the only one? They were kind of like the aliens in Aliens, but they were more phantom-like. They'd appear and disappear depending on the lighting. Only one of the kills was effective (the bodyguard in the museum). The other kills were either off camera (or impossible to make out due to Mr. Boll's style). Several scenes, mostly in the museum, reminded me of the Relic, which, I have to admit, is the superior film.

Still, the movie takes itself very seriously, and I respect that. There's not a whole lot of humor. I really only laughed whenever Tara Reid opened her mouth or when Slater fought somebody in slo-mo blurry matrix style. Actually, Dorff's final scene, that may or may not have happened, could have been funny if it did and wouldn't have been if it didn't. I imagine Dorff running back into the gate with the bomb and his gun blazing, only by this point, Boll had gone WAY over budget, so he wasn't able to insert any creatures. So I bet Dorff would be shooting his weapon at nothing in particular, but when he was doing it in front of the green screen he was probably thinking "Holy shit, this scene is going to kick ass. What a way to go out! If these creatures look half as good as the sketches we're in for a hell of a finale!". Only, I would bet Boll and his designers had to skimp here. So, instead Dorff runs into the gate and ONLY blows himself up. That would be kind of funny and sad at the same time. Dorff deserves better, so hopefully it didn't end that way.

Boll hit a check swing foul ball with this one. It's not very good, but it's not as bad as rottentomatoes and every other critic says. I know I didn't really say WHY it's not completely terrible, so you'll just have to trust me.

Now, on to part II of my Uwe Boll double feature...