Wicker Man (2006)

I'm going to do something a little different here. This was one of the first pictures I planned to review back when I started this blog. This is also back when I was actually taking notes. Wicker Man alternates between brilliantly hilarious to brilliantly awful. I hold such great affection for the original that I just wasn't quite sure what to do with the remake. It's got such a great pedigree. Neil Labute is the guy behind In the Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbors, which are both amazingly scathing social satires. In a strange way, I guess you could classify them as horror. I now understand (sort of) what Labute was doing here. In creating an isolated matriarchal society he was mirroring the very bees that these people worship. In the Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbors are extremely violent, psychologically. The Wicker Man takes that violence and makes it physical. By the end, when Nicholas Cage (a pretty ballsy performance, for the most part, until the script lets him down) dons a bear suit and starts randomly kicking the shit out of women I didn't realize that I was watching comedy at its darkest and most mysoginistic (believe me though, these women deserved it). I wonder what we'll think of this picture in ten years? It'll probably still be considered a piece of shit.

Well, rather then write a proper review, I've decided to transcribe my notes (exactly as I took them). Mind you, this was when I first started so I would write far too much. Hell, at this point, I tend to just wing my reviews (sans notes). I think I had six pages for this thing. They're incredibly ridiculous. In parantheses you'll find my current reflections on said notes. Fuck it man, I think they suit the movie:

-WB Emblem (yep, I wrote down everything)
-$ Vandy (My alma mater - Siena - was playing Vanderbilt in the NCAA tournament when I wrote this up - maybe I put money on Vandy?)
-Aaron Eckhert? (Labute regular) - cameo - diner
-motorcycle cop
-doodle of a penis
-fire!!! glass & explosion
-Credits
-Rowan Woodward => missing
-Summerisle - red girl
-cell phone - bad reception
-island of women
-bag? "what's in the bag??" dripping blood! laughs!!
-bar full of women - bee under cannister - allergic!!!
-cute girl - hot sugar tits (alcohol must be kicking in)
-Nic Cage sucks balls (I don't remember this scene so it must be a comment on his acting, a comment I don't necessarily agree with)
-Bee allergy (redundancy anyone?)
-creepy blind whores (whose being mysoginistic now?)
-Leelee's apples (am I referring to Sobieski's breasts?)
-moon - hard on (this is getting ridiculous)
-blurry faggy visual (jesus Brian, get your homophobia under control)
-red sweater - LRH (what?)
-homage (to what?)
-fashy wood (double what??)
-big bull (am I even watching the movie anymore?)
-pigeons - gap sweater (uh huh)
-danger - tense scene - barn (i'm some kind of fucking genius)
-under hole - shaft (the innuendo is rampant) - faking
-sweating (booze does that to me)
-sunrise - almost - Hot Fuzz (finally, I make a valid point!)
-I wanna fuck Leelee (another valid point)
-hitting - sugar - pussy - vagina (Jesus Christ, do I have tourrettes?)
-feet - guy drunk feet
-woman = man (excellent observation)
-Dan left to piss (another excellent observation)
-Cute = Leelee = butt
-"What's happening here the day of town" (I'm drunk) - day of the 2nd.
-Stream of preggers (no comment)
-pole - phallic - skipped (i need to watch this again)
-Molly Parker - hot for teacher (Classic Van Halen song)
-"pursuers of lofty but impractical ideas" (finally, I got a quote right!)
-crow! fucked up kids!!
-impregnate bowels (i don't think this is possible)
-firm in mouth (this could apply to lots of things, Lelee's apples for example)
-verbatim with Parker (I'm impressed that I'm using words like "verbatim" when I'm this hammered)
-classroom scene - burned to death - more rustic
-workers - ones not - field
-blonde hotty (there were a few notties)
-beautiful redhead - off island - bang bus (reference to an adult web site that I've heard of which features a bus full of guys driving around picking up chicks and then filming their encounters)
-Dr. Moss (character in the film?)
-Plane??
-no cell...(yeah, i mentioned service was bad)
-crazy dive for Chloe
-bad dream => worst dream - "god dammit"
-Chips (reference to TV show I'm guessing since Cage is a motorcycle cop)
-hobbit den (possible crossover movie idea?)
-harvest festival??
-book = "Rituals of the Ancient" (maybe stevereads can review this?)
-hiding in bush - clear view
-jars of It's Alive (I don't remember jars in that film)
-"worst harvest on record" (I concur, it looked to be a bad one from where I was sitting)
-Oh god I wanna fuck her (Leelee I'm guessing)
-cock smack (not a reference to something I was doing at the time)
-logs - hand
-retarded men (sorry to all you retarded men)
-goes to help - bike
-bee buss!! (spin-off to bang bus involving...you get the idea)
-honey comb yeah! (me trying to be funny at the time)
-near death
-flash - Ellen Burstyn (she's in the movie) - Crazy - Seal (that song isn't in the movie...why did this pop into my head?)
-festival - mother goddess - exorcist??? (Burstyn picture from the 70s)
-not subservient to bees??
-"sounds like inbreeding time" (i think this is a quote from me, not the picture)
-says "sister" (um, ok)
-murder is murder (another fantastic observation on my part)
-"under the impression I'd already given it to you" (given what? I need to watch again)
-grave site - doll
-exhume - crypt - under water (hey, i remember this scene!)
-no tits - severe lack of (I think I was trying to submit a definition to Webster's at this point)
-so many flashbacks!!! (the 3 exclamation points let me know this was not a good thing)
-being bus (The Being is the creature at the top of my blog - I'm guessing this was a running gag I thought up that night)
-"How'd it get burned?" - "Repent!"
-Willow! (character from Wicker Man or Warwick Davis?)
-mutated guy - bee sting
-"Summerisle!" (glad we've established location)
-Crazy (again with the SEAL song)
-"we're all preparing" - "the time for sentiment is over"
-take your stupid mask or he takes her bike (not in quotes for some reason, is this a quote?)
-men = wussies (Labute turning the tables on his previous characterizations? Although, in a way, his men have always been cowards I guess)
-runs like girl - is this ironic? (I think I'm referring to Cage. See the irony?)
-"Stand out of the fucking way!"
-Masses!! (??)
-awesome....awesome!!! (awesome scene apparently)
-dead old guy - creepy
-"entire family of bears" (so much I don't remember. This is an actual quote?)
-beats barkeep up (The barkeep is a woman. Is he in the bear suit yet?)
-kids dressed as bees
-fuck, not fight (my motto)
-awesome!!!!!!! (I really had 7 exclamation points here. Whatever is happening is just that awesome)
-Bear suit (here we go)
-gay (i went so long without saying it too. Shame)
-ritual - bear suit (yes, Cage is in a bear suit)
-sacrifice??? - girl??
-awesome!! (you see why I no longer drink and take notes?)
-error of our ways (mine or theirs?)
-"grounded bear" (South Park quote)
-Rowan sucks (yes, she does...ahem, wait, that's his daughter...never mind)
-ugly bitch (so judgemental) - hot bitch sucks (at least I'm equal opportunity)
-cum in box (oh boy)
-pull the fucking trigger!!! (I'm getting angry)
-Willow needs cock in c.....(runs off at this point...can't read)
-Misery-like scene - "you bitches!" (Cage quote)
-"This is murder" (Cage quote)
-"honey" (Burstyn quote)
-"What is not" (?)
-"not the bees!" (Cage quote again) - bee beard (not a good look)
-"my legs!!" (Cage)
-What a bitch (I might be referring to Burstyn)
-"The drone must die!" (Burstyn referring to Cage I believe)
-6 months later - alternate ending - my legs - guy from spiderman

I need to start taking notes again.