Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Well, I guess I finally might be getting too old for this shit (whatever Brian). How the fuck do you blow this premise? A girl gets gang raped by construction workers. Later, revenge killings start as a mysterious black clad biker (only the fucker doesn't ride a bike, he/she drives a hearse) starts knockng off construction workers (and, far as I could tell, everyone else that lives in the town) with a nail gun. That's a terrific premise. A little bit of rape, followed by lots of bloody revenge. How can it possibly go wrong?

For starters, you can have Terry Lofton (this is his only credit) write and direct the thing. Lofton got the idea for his masterpiece when he wandered onto a construction site and into the middle of a nail gun fight. He rushed home and feverishly cranked out an 80 page script which was then cut down to 25 pages due to budgetary restraints. The result is a poorly structured film with kill scenes interlaced with incredibly boring scenes of "exposition" where absolutely nothing is exposited. Clearly a lot of ad libbing going on by actors not cut out for it. Actually, that's not entirely true. There are several scenes of T&A, clearly added to pad this thing out to feature length. I'm fine with that choice. Hell, the first nude girl has a fantastic mullet to go with some amazing breasts. If I had watched this before the internet, I probably would have enjoyed it more. Damn you to hell "youporn"!

I said this picture is poorly put together which is sort of an understatement. The very first scene is the construction site gang rape. We jump right into it. A bunch of fat white guys hovering over some girl we can barely make out. We know nothing about the girl; her hopes, her dreams, her ideal mate, etc. We certainly don't care about her. Yeah, it's a girl, on camera, pretending to be raped (not very convincingly I might add), but I really didn't give a shit. The guys doing the raping have no personality. They're simply frothing sex maniacs. Not one of these characters registered. No scenes to set this up. No reason to give a shit. Yet, the "filmmaker" expects me to root for vengeance. Yes, rape is terrible. All I'm sayin is show me...don't tell me. The first scene, post rape, is of the first revenge kill. The Killer dressed all in black, with, what could be, an iconic motorcycle helmet (if the far superior Strip Nude for Your Killer didn't use the same get up nearly a decade earlier) descends upon a backwoods home and nailguns his/her first victim; some fat slob that I guess we have to assume took part in the rape. I didn't recognize the fat fuck though.

It doesn't help matters that there's no central character in this thing. It's an ensemble piece. Unfortunately, Lofton is no Robert Altman. Characters are introduced only to be killed off in their first scene. In the hands of a decent filmmaker this could be kinda fun. Here, it's just tedious. The score tries to be creepy, while evoking the Texas Chainsaw Massacre score, but is just awful, completely inappropriate, and, always, overbearing. The dialogue is often overwhelmed by the background noises (cars, random gunshots, wind) which is just fine with me since the dialogue I did manage to hear wasn't worth listening to anyway.

I'll give them credit for the look of the killer since I find it unlikely they saw Strip Nude. In their minds, it was pretty original anyway. Unfortunately, this fucking guy has a wisecrack for every kill (such as "now, you've really pissed me off" after a guy urinating against a tree is startled, turns around and pisses on the killer's boots). They modify the killers voice as well. It sounds awful. The laughter emanates throughout the soundtrack. The film's best scene involves the girl with the mullet brushing her hair, topless, in front of a mirror and the camera zooms in and stays focused on her breasts for a good minute or two.

I also liked the scene in the convenience store where some old woman clearly fucked up her lines but the director eventually decided that was still the best take. That same old woman does manage to deliver the picture's best line, however; "Do you remember when you could sit outside and not have to worry about the mosquitoes and the killers?" I don't know, I'd rather not think about this one anymore. A picture like Blood Freak was just as incompetent but at least there was a story and a character to drive that story. Also, it was fucking hilarious. This thing has no characters, no sense of location (most of this takes place in the woods. there's a town center, some houses, etc...but I didn't have a fucking clue where they were in relation to each other. Don't remember if there were any establishing shots...doubt it), no atmosphere, a terrible score, several lazy nail gun killings, etc, etc. It's not good, I guess, is the gist of what I'm trying to say.