Wicker Man (2006)

I'm going to do something a little different here. This was one of the first pictures I planned to review back when I started this blog. This is also back when I was actually taking notes. Wicker Man alternates between brilliantly hilarious to brilliantly awful. I hold such great affection for the original that I just wasn't quite sure what to do with the remake. It's got such a great pedigree. Neil Labute is the guy behind In the Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbors, which are both amazingly scathing social satires. In a strange way, I guess you could classify them as horror. I now understand (sort of) what Labute was doing here. In creating an isolated matriarchal society he was mirroring the very bees that these people worship. In the Company of Men and Your Friends and Neighbors are extremely violent, psychologically. The Wicker Man takes that violence and makes it physical. By the end, when Nicholas Cage (a pretty ballsy performance, for the most part, until the script lets him down) dons a bear suit and starts randomly kicking the shit out of women I didn't realize that I was watching comedy at its darkest and most mysoginistic (believe me though, these women deserved it). I wonder what we'll think of this picture in ten years? It'll probably still be considered a piece of shit.

Well, rather then write a proper review, I've decided to transcribe my notes (exactly as I took them). Mind you, this was when I first started so I would write far too much. Hell, at this point, I tend to just wing my reviews (sans notes). I think I had six pages for this thing. They're incredibly ridiculous. In parantheses you'll find my current reflections on said notes. Fuck it man, I think they suit the movie:

-WB Emblem (yep, I wrote down everything)
-$ Vandy (My alma mater - Siena - was playing Vanderbilt in the NCAA tournament when I wrote this up - maybe I put money on Vandy?)
-Aaron Eckhert? (Labute regular) - cameo - diner
-motorcycle cop
-doodle of a penis
-fire!!! glass & explosion
-Credits
-Rowan Woodward => missing
-Summerisle - red girl
-cell phone - bad reception
-island of women
-bag? "what's in the bag??" dripping blood! laughs!!
-bar full of women - bee under cannister - allergic!!!
-cute girl - hot sugar tits (alcohol must be kicking in)
-Nic Cage sucks balls (I don't remember this scene so it must be a comment on his acting, a comment I don't necessarily agree with)
-Bee allergy (redundancy anyone?)
-creepy blind whores (whose being mysoginistic now?)
-Leelee's apples (am I referring to Sobieski's breasts?)
-moon - hard on (this is getting ridiculous)
-blurry faggy visual (jesus Brian, get your homophobia under control)
-red sweater - LRH (what?)
-homage (to what?)
-fashy wood (double what??)
-big bull (am I even watching the movie anymore?)
-pigeons - gap sweater (uh huh)
-danger - tense scene - barn (i'm some kind of fucking genius)
-under hole - shaft (the innuendo is rampant) - faking
-sweating (booze does that to me)
-sunrise - almost - Hot Fuzz (finally, I make a valid point!)
-I wanna fuck Leelee (another valid point)
-hitting - sugar - pussy - vagina (Jesus Christ, do I have tourrettes?)
-feet - guy drunk feet
-woman = man (excellent observation)
-Dan left to piss (another excellent observation)
-Cute = Leelee = butt
-"What's happening here the day of town" (I'm drunk) - day of the 2nd.
-Stream of preggers (no comment)
-pole - phallic - skipped (i need to watch this again)
-Molly Parker - hot for teacher (Classic Van Halen song)
-"pursuers of lofty but impractical ideas" (finally, I got a quote right!)
-crow! fucked up kids!!
-impregnate bowels (i don't think this is possible)
-firm in mouth (this could apply to lots of things, Lelee's apples for example)
-verbatim with Parker (I'm impressed that I'm using words like "verbatim" when I'm this hammered)
-classroom scene - burned to death - more rustic
-workers - ones not - field
-blonde hotty (there were a few notties)
-beautiful redhead - off island - bang bus (reference to an adult web site that I've heard of which features a bus full of guys driving around picking up chicks and then filming their encounters)
-Dr. Moss (character in the film?)
-Plane??
-no cell...(yeah, i mentioned service was bad)
-crazy dive for Chloe
-bad dream => worst dream - "god dammit"
-Chips (reference to TV show I'm guessing since Cage is a motorcycle cop)
-hobbit den (possible crossover movie idea?)
-harvest festival??
-book = "Rituals of the Ancient" (maybe stevereads can review this?)
-hiding in bush - clear view
-jars of It's Alive (I don't remember jars in that film)
-"worst harvest on record" (I concur, it looked to be a bad one from where I was sitting)
-Oh god I wanna fuck her (Leelee I'm guessing)
-cock smack (not a reference to something I was doing at the time)
-logs - hand
-retarded men (sorry to all you retarded men)
-goes to help - bike
-bee buss!! (spin-off to bang bus involving...you get the idea)
-honey comb yeah! (me trying to be funny at the time)
-near death
-flash - Ellen Burstyn (she's in the movie) - Crazy - Seal (that song isn't in the movie...why did this pop into my head?)
-festival - mother goddess - exorcist??? (Burstyn picture from the 70s)
-not subservient to bees??
-"sounds like inbreeding time" (i think this is a quote from me, not the picture)
-says "sister" (um, ok)
-murder is murder (another fantastic observation on my part)
-"under the impression I'd already given it to you" (given what? I need to watch again)
-grave site - doll
-exhume - crypt - under water (hey, i remember this scene!)
-no tits - severe lack of (I think I was trying to submit a definition to Webster's at this point)
-so many flashbacks!!! (the 3 exclamation points let me know this was not a good thing)
-being bus (The Being is the creature at the top of my blog - I'm guessing this was a running gag I thought up that night)
-"How'd it get burned?" - "Repent!"
-Willow! (character from Wicker Man or Warwick Davis?)
-mutated guy - bee sting
-"Summerisle!" (glad we've established location)
-Crazy (again with the SEAL song)
-"we're all preparing" - "the time for sentiment is over"
-take your stupid mask or he takes her bike (not in quotes for some reason, is this a quote?)
-men = wussies (Labute turning the tables on his previous characterizations? Although, in a way, his men have always been cowards I guess)
-runs like girl - is this ironic? (I think I'm referring to Cage. See the irony?)
-"Stand out of the fucking way!"
-Masses!! (??)
-awesome....awesome!!! (awesome scene apparently)
-dead old guy - creepy
-"entire family of bears" (so much I don't remember. This is an actual quote?)
-beats barkeep up (The barkeep is a woman. Is he in the bear suit yet?)
-kids dressed as bees
-fuck, not fight (my motto)
-awesome!!!!!!! (I really had 7 exclamation points here. Whatever is happening is just that awesome)
-Bear suit (here we go)
-gay (i went so long without saying it too. Shame)
-ritual - bear suit (yes, Cage is in a bear suit)
-sacrifice??? - girl??
-awesome!! (you see why I no longer drink and take notes?)
-error of our ways (mine or theirs?)
-"grounded bear" (South Park quote)
-Rowan sucks (yes, she does...ahem, wait, that's his daughter...never mind)
-ugly bitch (so judgemental) - hot bitch sucks (at least I'm equal opportunity)
-cum in box (oh boy)
-pull the fucking trigger!!! (I'm getting angry)
-Willow needs cock in c.....(runs off at this point...can't read)
-Misery-like scene - "you bitches!" (Cage quote)
-"This is murder" (Cage quote)
-"honey" (Burstyn quote)
-"What is not" (?)
-"not the bees!" (Cage quote again) - bee beard (not a good look)
-"my legs!!" (Cage)
-What a bitch (I might be referring to Burstyn)
-"The drone must die!" (Burstyn referring to Cage I believe)
-6 months later - alternate ending - my legs - guy from spiderman

I need to start taking notes again.

Mother of Tears (2007)

Dario Argento finally concludes his "Three Mothers" trilogy (starting with Suspiria in 1977 and continuing with Inferno in 1980) with Mother of Tears. Sarah Mandy (Asia Argento), an Italian playing an American studying art in Rome, comes across a recently dug up urn containing ancient artifacts which give power to the "the third mother", the most powerful of the three witches. The third mother, upon retrieving her powers, causes lots of bad shit to happen. I mean, really bad shit. Suicides, looting, murder, dismemberment, child abduction, child murder, etc. Dario Argento pushes far beyond the boundaries he established in the previous films in this trilogy. One mother brings her newborn to the center of a bridge, makes some goo goo eyes at the poor son of a bitch, and then drops him into the river below. Argento can't leave it at that though, insisting that the little guy bounce off part of the bridge as he falls to his death. I think mothers are portrayed very positively in this picture.

Typical of Argento, the plot (if you can call it that) is not easy to follow. The very night that Sarah comes across the urn, her friend, and fellow student, is murdered in fairly horrific fashion (which involves some kind of corkscrew to the mouth followed by one of the most relentless disembowlments i've seen - strangulation by your own guts is a fairly original way of dying I think) and the urn is stolen. Sarah is questioned by the police and goes home with her lover Michael (Adam James) whose son is later abducted sending Michael on a fruitless quest to retrieve him (thankfully we don't follow his quest too much. It doesn't end very well for Michael I'm afraid).

Shit, this is some sort of bizarre, halucinogenic, gore-laden masterpiece that's just so god damned hard to describe. As soon as the third mother is reborn, a coven of euro trash witches descend upon Rome and begin to wreak havoc, which thankfully includes lots of walking around topless. An insane, perhaps poorly chosen subplot, involves Sarah's spectral mother, a former witch herself (I think) advising her daughter on her journey of self-discovery or whatever. She seems to appear whenever danger is around until finally another spectral being gets annoyed and just drags the dead bitch off to hell (a great moment since Sarah's mother was nothing more than unneccessary comic relief). Although, through her dead mother, Sarah learns about her own latent powers that hopefully she can learn to use in the next hour or so. Argento is actually painful to watch in the scenes with ghost mom, calling her "mommy" and trying to deal with some serious abandonment issues. Let it be known that I think Asia Argento is a wonderful (and stunningly beautiful) actress and, for the most part, is terrific in this role. She's got at least two assets that I can think of off the top of my head. I loved her work in XXX.

This picture also makes use of an evil monkey. Apparently, monkeys are good for one thing. Calling out the good guy's hiding spots by jumping on their heads, pulling on their hair, and screaming. This little fucker eventually receives a perfectly justified demise that even PETA couldn't get up in arms about. Ok, let's get to the good stuff; copious amounts of breasts, lesbian breasts, witch's breasts, Asia's breasts, etc. Lots and lots of breasts. What is this, the 70s?Speaking of Asia's breasts, it's unfathomable to me (as a sheltered American) that a father could cast his daughter in this type of role. Unfathomable and, frankly, refreshing. Now on to the potentially offensive stuff; woman skewered by a spear through her privates and out her mouth...and that's not the worst of it. Of course, we don't see the entrance, just the exit....Dario Argento had the fortunate, or unfortunate depending on your psyche, lack of bad taste in this instance. Did I mention the picture had lesbians? In a topless embrace? Also a witch (witches are inherently lesbian-ish) licks the tears of her dying victims...hence the moniker.

The finale is kinda hard to explain, so I won't even bother. Well, ok, just a little. Sarah and her new detective friend track the mother of tears to an old castle where she and her disciples are having some kind of fucked-beyond-reason, orgiastic, topless (of course) ceremony. I swear there was an enema in there somewhere. What transpires after Sarah rips the ceremonial garb off the mother and flings it into the fire (yes, the mother is now completely naked and of course there's a fire, there's always a fire) is fantastically ridiculous. There really is no reason to like this movie if you're just an average joe-schmoe looking for a night out at the cinema. There's no reason to like this if you're the average douchebag "critic" (say, Ben Lyons). Things seemingly happen at random, the acting is so stylized to the point that the vast majority of people would consider it awful (and I don't mean "stylized" in that winking at the camera bullshit kind of way), the music is overbearingly weird at times...occasionally hitting a few Psycho chords....shit man, I'm rambling...and usually when I ramble it means I'm in love. Maybe I am. It's not as good as Suspiria, but it doesn't have to be. It's as good as it is.

Squirm (1976)

Well, I'm back (again!). My computer's not perfect but it'll have to do since I don't have the money to get a new one. Since I've been, for the most part, MIA for 2009 I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Yep, a new leaf of reviewing quality pictures, pictures that might actually win an award or two. What the fuck am I doing wasting my time writing about garbage anyway? Fuck that bullshit. Unfortunately, I turned over that leaf and all I could find was bloodsucking sandworms. Those "quality" pictures will have to wait I guess.

Whatever man, I'll watch Squirm a thousand times before I sit through "quality" entertainment like Crash or American Beauty again. This picture, Squirm, is a perfect model by which all creature features should be judged. Made in 1976, directed by Jeff Lieberman and featuring some early terrific work by Rick Baker, Squirm is the story of a small Georgian town (Fly Creek) assaulted by an unstoppable army of sandworms. Some fantastic camera work allows us to see these horrific bloodsuckers, and their dirty little maws, up close and personal. A truly frightening experience. Lieberman is one of those directors that helmed a couple masterpieces (this and Just Before Dawn) before vanishing for good. Just Before Dawn is the finest fat guy(s?) with a machete movie you'll ever see. According to wikipedia, Squirm was given the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 treatment back in 1999 which is fucking bullshit. I dare you to watch this thing sober and talk over it. Trust me, I tried it sober and shit-faced. Sober, this is some riveting shit. It just goes to show that the 3000 crew wouldn't know a good (or should I say bad?) movie if it fucked them in the ass. *

Anywho, this thing takes place in a small rural town. It begins with a violent storm that downs some powerlines which, for some unexplained reason, are left sending thousands of volts directly into the earth (for the entire picture!). Not being much of a worm expert, I simply had to accept the fact that electricity forces worms to the surface and you can only imagine that they wouldn't be too happy about it. This picture is a slow burn though, so first things first. Characters. We've got the pretty red headed southern belle, Geri (Patricia Pearcy), who lives with her mother and sister in an isolated farm house outside of the town proper. On his way to visit Geri (just as the storm hits) is the big city boy, Mick (Don Scardino). Mick's character is in the Matthew Broderick vein, the sort of character who comes across as a smart ass even when doing something as innocent as ordering an "egg cream" (city speak for chocolate soda apparently) at the local diner. Roger is the local bumpkin, a jealous good ol', slightly retarded, son of a bitch that does odd jobs around Geri's homestead when not slaveing away at his father's worm farm. Yeah, he and his pa run a worm farm, but Roger can't stand the fucking things. He's got bigger things on his mind, like wooing Geri which, let's face it, would most likely result in rape. I loved the Sheriff who wouldn't believe in killer worms even if the things bit him on the pecker. I'm pretty sure they do. This is the kind of scum bag that hits on a girl stranded in town by the weather, treats her to a spaghetti dinner at Fly Creek's #1 restaraunt italiano, probably gets her drunk, and then basically forces her to spend the night at his place so he can bang the shit out of her and ultimately become worm food post coitus. Good guy.

I also liked the antique dealer. He was played by a skeleton.

I guess my mantra is "they just don't make 'em like this anymore". I'd like that to be my epithet. This picture has several terrific moments. The fishing trip with Roger, Mick, and Geri has to be near the top. Mick, thinking Roger responsible for his Pops death (they found his worm filled torso a little earlier), abandons Geri, so she can keep an eye on Roger while he goes off to investigate. Finally alone with the object of his obsession, Roger attempts a little rape only to spurned, not only by Geri but also by his fucking fish bait! Roger stops being Roger and becomes known as Worm-face from this point on. Worm-face is the greatest character in the history of motion pictures and I'm not kidding. Somehow, those worms get into his brain and drive him insane, so not only do we have a billion bloodsucking worms to contend with, we've got a crazy retarded man with wormy pock marks, the greatest use of pock marks since Bava's Black Sunday. When Worm-face tosses Mitch into a ditch and screams after him "now you get to be da worm-face" I knew I was in the presence of greatness.

Shit man, Rick Baker is the guy that created the werewolf in An American Werewolf in London. In this thing, he creates an ocean of worms that take over the first floor of one of those giant plantation type homes, you know, the kind with the pillars. It's fucking genius. Sure, they don't really look like worms (more like mobile spaghetti), but they still creeped me the fuck out. This is not the type of picture where there's an easy solution. Basically, try your best to live. There's some bullshit about how the worms disappear when the light hits them so I guess try to avoid the night is the moral of the story. You could try climbing a tree (they do) but these are the type of worms that can eat through roots and cause a tree to fall on the house (which they do). And then, to top it all off, you have to contend with worm-face who is now a full on human worm hybrid that slithers, slinks, inches (what the fuck do worms do anyway??) towards our fleeing heroes.

I feel like I've missed a shit load here. If you enjoyed Slugs I think you'll like this one even better. I mean, Slugs is great and all but it left me feeling a little depressed after it was over. This picture has the superior effects and yet you still end up feeling a little dirty after it's over and I don't mean dirty in a bad sort of way. Other than the Mick character, everything is so god damned authentic. Geri is a pretty hot ginger girl (side-al breast at one point) but she's about the only eye candy in this thing. Everyone else is just poor. And white. I couldn't help wondering how Mick could even come to know Geri. Here's an annoying, intelligent New Yorker traveling to the back woods of Georgia to hook up with some broad he met god knows where. I don't for a second believe she attended college, so that's right out. This was before internet hook ups were in vogue, so that's out. It's the one element of the story I couldn't wrap my head around. The worms on the other hand....

*I actually like these guys but they really misjudged this picture. This is me playing for both teams, so to speak.

Superchick (1973)

This is probably my favorite kind of picture, the kind where hot seventies broads frolic around naked. Sometimes these things bother with plot, sometimes not. I'll take them either way. Anyway, this picture called Superchick is one of the ones that tried to tell a story and I have to tell you it was pretty fucking funny. What they did here was riff on the Superman mythos and instead of a guy with super powers created by exposure to our yellow sun or however the hell that worked, we are treated to a woman, a stewardess with incomparable sexual powers. By day, she is just an ordinary, demure, shy flight attendent with brown hair up in a bun. By night, she is a blonde sex goddess in hot pants and also usually no pants at all. The broad even goes into a phone booth at the start of her layover and comes out all dolled up. This is the kind of picture I can get behind.

Joyce Jillson was some kind of famous hollywood astrologer at one point but she pretty much had her big break with Superchick. I'm not sure, but I think this was the only time she took off her clothes for a film so therfore, this is a picture that must be treasured. She stars as the stewardess named Tara B. True and flies between New York, Miami, and Los Angeles. In each city, she has a different man. Her New York man is some rich doctor type, a surgeon who is desperately in love with her. Unfortunately, he's a germophobe so they spend their evenings sharing a bath because he apparently doesn't know about the organisms that love nothing more than to swim around in a tepid pool of filth. They also play naked black jack in bed which would be a pretty good time I would think. The next day, his limo drops her off at the airport where his proposal of marriage is rebuffed. No way can she settle down with just one man. She's got far too much love to give. He tells her he'll be thinking of her while performing surgery that afternoon. Good for her. Not so good for the patient.

Next stop, sunny Miami where she meets up with buff Johnny (Tony Young) , a good looking guy with a gambling problem. Johnny's in pretty deep to the local mafia boss who is kind enough to wipe away all his debts for a roll in the sack with Ms. True. Johnny's not a complete scum bag though so he'll think about it. Meanwhile, he and Tara enjoy hours of water skiing (she loses her bottoms!), night clubbing, and other stuff. Johnny, like most degenerates, doesn't have the energy to keep up with his starlett. When the bartender tells him "look pal, we're closing in ten minutes", Johnny replies "can you make it sooner?"

Her beau in Los Angeles is none other than the hot, new, suddenly over the hill at 21, rock star Davey Charles (Timothy Wayne Brown). He's in love with Joyce for the part of her that has a great body, the kind of body that can help him keep ahead of the constantly evolving music scene. By that, I mean they have sex on the piano and record the sounds it makes. This gets old for Tara pretty fast. Her further adventures in L.A. involve a karate class, a typical hollywood pot party, a hollywood pot party bust, and a near gang bang at the hands of a ruthless biker gang ("listen guys..uh...let's dispense with the biker movie lingo and just gang bang her."). John Carradine portrays a John Carradine like actor (except for the vast mansion) who lives alone with his memorabilia placing ads for young women to come and tie him up, listen to his mother, maybe be killed, etc. His scene kinda comes out of nowhere, but even he is no match for superchick (Tara: Wow, someone must have dropped acid in his geritol).

I guess the main story involves the mafia based out of miami. They use Johnny to try to smuggle guns on board one of Tara's flights ("they never check the stewardess' bags") so they can hijack it and rob one of the rich passengers. This seems like an awful lot to go through just to come out with $500 K (estimated loot), but I guess this is one of those pre 9-11 movies where a hijacking could possibly be amusing.

Shit, I forgot about the solider ("I'm a marine") on the flight out of miami. He confesses to Tara that he's got limited experience with women and she becomes even more turned on when she realizes he was stationed on Guantanomo with 50,000 cubans yelling "american go home." She quickly turns into superchick and tells the young soldier ("um, marine") to meet her in the bathroom and cough three times where they will try to deal with the turbulance and likely make some of their own. Yeah, this picture is almost a porno.

I love the ideals behind the thing though. She loves all three of her men, but why should she settle down with them and why should they settle down with her? Her job allows her to bring her brand of love all over the world. I guess that later she will be promoted and moved beyond domestic flights or something. Not only is she, apparently, great in the sack but she's also pretty good at the ass kicking; biker gang, japanese karate champion, hijackers, etc...she defeats them all. Superman was not very great in the sack from what I've heard...or at least none of his conquests lived to talk about it. Superboy from Superman Returns was a product of artificial insemination. Anyway, if you love a good seventies movie full of seventies styles, seventies nudity, and seventies theme music then you can't really go wrong with this picture. Note: Tara says "Last one in bed, get's no head!"

Coach (1978)

Over the Christmas holiday, while perusing the only Best Buy in Vermont, I picked up a ten disc, ten double features, twenty picture “Welcome to the Grindhouse” collection for a mere twenty bucks that may be one of the best things I’ve purchased in my life. I’ve never seen this particular collection in any best buy (or on Amazon for that matter) since. I’ve encountered the separate single disc double features for ten bucks. They’re all over the fucking place. So basically, that’s a savings of eighty bucks for an incredible collection you’ll apparently never find anywhere else. Black Candles alone made the whole god damned thing worth it. In addition, we’ve got Don’t Answer the Phone, Trip With Teacher, Sister Street Fighter, Malibu High, etc, loads of trailers, nudity, gore, etc. Solid buy is all I’m saying.

Also included is a little film from 1978 called Coach. Cathy Lee Crosby (“That’s Incredible”) stars as Randy Rawlings, a beautiful Olympic running champion who becomes the coach of a lousy high school boy’s basketball team and leads them to victory while simultaneously leading the starting point guard right into her bed. Yeah, it’s that kind of picture.

Only it isn’t, really. This is like if Lifetime had decided to make a movie about a teacher (or coach) bedding her student only they decided this was a perfectly acceptable thing. Well, that starting point guard is none other than Michael Biehn (Aliens, The Terminator, Navy Seals) and I suppose it helps matters that he and Crosby exhibit a wonderful chemistry. Yes, she looks to be about 10 years his senior but what the fuck do I care when he looks 25? The 1970s were a simple time, a time when if a young student could bang his teacher then good for him. Today, the teacher goes to prison and someone usually ends up dead. Also, where the fuck were these teachers when I was in high school? I call bullshit.

Keenan Wynn (Once Upon a Time in the West) is Granger, some sort of principal-superintendant-rich son of a bitch hybrid. He’s old school in his beliefs; i.e. woman are good for making dinner and making babies. He wants his basketball team (“the stallions”) to win, sure, but at what price? I’m sure you’re wondering why he hired Rawlings in the first place? After a particularly humiliating loss, and the forced resignation of the former coach, the school desperately sent out applications around the country. Somehow, one ended up on Rawlings desk. She was immediately offered the job (being a former Olympian and all) so it comes down to a lousy screening process on Wynn’s case. Olympian or not, she’s still a god damned female, am I right gents?

Well, I’ve got no idea where I’m going with this review at this point. Uninspired basketball team. Woman trying to make it in a “man’s world” (see I put it in quotes so I’m not being sexist), etc.

I love a good sports picture. I love a good picture with exploitative elements. Why not combine the two? Unfortunately, this is just a sports picture with some loose morals. The only ass we see are the players as they hit the showers. We get some side-al breast action from Rawlings but it’s all too brief. Her passionate sex scene with Biehn is interrupted by a fade to black and then, later, her passionate shower sex scene with Biehn is interrupted by the janitor. I couldn’t get away from the idea that these two never got caught. Their relationship is perfectly fine. I kept thinking the horny teacher that liked Rawlings would find out or maybe Keenan Wynn would find out and use it to try to get her canned. It never happened. At one point, Biehn sees Rawlings kissing that horny teacher. Predictably, he becomes upset, showing up late to a game, ignoring her, etc. Then he learns that she kissed the guy because he was going to bring a college scout to the game. Perfectly reasonable, Biehn. Fogive the broad already. He does.

I loved the camaraderie between the teammates. They pulled for each other. There was the guy set up to be the asshole (Wynn’s grandson) but he ended up being a pretty nice guy and even stood up to his bigoted family at one point. Ned was, by far, my favorite “stallion”. He's a terrible student, bit of an airhead, threatened with removal from the team. The stallions desperately need his size on the court if they are going to compete for the championship. Instead of helping the guy study, they realize his situation is borderline hopeless. So, they hypnotize him into remembering the formulas for the big exam (as soon as they say the code word “jabberwocky” he becomes a math machine). Hilariously, all that time spent hypnotizing Ned (he get’s an A+) doesn’t really help Biehn much (D). Later, they hypnotize Ned into thinking he’s Sydney Wick (NBA legend who also guest stars) cause apparently he's not very good at basketball either.

Shit man, if you like Hoosiers you’ll probably disapprove of this one unless you wanted to see Dale and Chitwood going at it in the showers. I love a good basketball picture though and this one gets my seal of approval. I even learned a few things about the game. Elbows out, ball high when rebounding. Splitting the post I guess isn’t very good when it’s being done against you. If I were to hypnotize myself into believing I was Lebron James then I’d be a pretty good player. If I hypnotized myself into believing I was Sydney Wick I might start “talking black” and slapping five a lot. Also, dunking.

The game footage in this one was pretty solid. I swear they showed us the entire first quarter of the championship; every missed hoop, every Biehn turnover (he was distracted), every Ned hookshot from halfcourt…it was all in there. Of course, I loved when Coach Rawlings said "fuck ethics" when she found her team down twenty points. As soon as she screams out “jabberwocky” Ned starts teen wolfing his way up and down the court, swatting shots, stuffing home balls, probably causing irreversible brain damage. Win at all costs I guess. The final montage of game action is completely indecipherable….I’ve never seen so many misses in the final two minutes in my life. Finally, there’s Biehn…no time left, on the foul line…tie game. Will he choke? Who gives a shit? He gets to go home and bang the coach.

Where the hell have I been, etc

What a way to start the year. My computer went down earlier this month with a multitude of viruses. I still hope to have it back, wiped clean, sometime soon. In the meantime, I’m writing this thing at work (after hours, I may have a crappy work ethic but it’s not that crappy). Anyway, I promised you guys a list of my five worst films of 2008 so here it is with minimal, if any, commentary.

5-1. Diary of the Dead – suck it.

Fuck man, it feels like that came out in 2005. I also sorta hated, but mostly just felt too indifferent about to include on any “worst of” list; The Happening, The Spirit, The X-Files, The Mummy: Tomb of the Forbidden Kingdom, and Indiana Jones.

My scheduled sword and sorcery-sploitation month has been blown to hell thanks to the sorta viruses one might catch at porno sites. I’ve seen several pictures in the past month though. Thanks to alcohol I can only remember the ones I saw this weekend. I’m winging these after a long day of work and I’m mostly of the “get me the fuck out of here” attitude so these will be brief. Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m still alive and have yet to be murdered by a jealous husband.

Piranha 2: The Spawning (1983)

James Cameron has a thing for sequels, especially if he didn’t direct the first one. Aliens is pretty good. The first one, aptly titled Alien, is about one alien with several large teeth. While one alien probably wouldn’t stand a chance against a platoon of space marines it’s more than tough enough for a rag tag crew of space janitors or whatever it was they were doing out there. Which is why Cameron wrote more than one alien into the sequel. Also, a big fucking queen alien. He knew that one alien versus a crew of space marines would be a pretty short, uneventful movie. The genius even called the thing Aliens.

Piranha 2 is Cameron’s first movie and let me tell you it’s no Aliens. I don’t remember if I saw the first Piranha or not. I’m guessing I did since I ate this kinda shit for breakfast as a kid. Is that the one where Richard Pryor tries to cross the river and the piranhas eat off his pants? That shit was hilarious. Anyway, Piranha was directed by genre stalwart Joe Dante (Gremlins, The Howling, The Burbs) and also written by John Sayles (Aligator, Brother From Another Planet) so I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that it is pretty good. Well, James Cameron is arguably a better filmmaker than Dante but I would argue that Piranha 2 is not a better film than Piranha (which I arguably have not seen so that's some argument).

One thing I did like about this picture however was the pre-title sequence. Fantastic. We see a young couple out in their boat. The woman says something like “let’s do what we came out here for”. Then we see them scuba diving towards a shipwreck. Yes, they are investigating a shipwreck, maybe searching for lost gold or some shit. Now we can begin to understand why Cameron has such a hard on for the Titanic. Anyway, suddenly the broad has removed her bathing suit and she bears down on the man. He seems stunned. She removes the knife from his ankle sheath. Is she going to murder him and take the treasure for herself? Why is she naked? (One should learn never to ask such questions). Wait, she’s just cutting off his speedo so they can do it underwater. I’ve heard women can’t get pregnant underwater. It's a scientific fact. Then we are treated to the point of view of some, at first, unseen entitie(s). Unfortunately, Cameron shows all his cards way too early as those little underwater flying fuckers start eating and the ocean turns red as the title comes up. Suspense flushed down the shitter.

The picture stars Lance Henriksen (every movie made after 1980) as a sheriff in some small Caribbean town. In support of Henriksen are a bunch of other people I'm not familiar with, several of whom get naked. I guess the difference between this picture and the first one is that these piranhas have been genetically altered so they can fly. Some sort of military experiment I guess. Basically, we have the sheriff, the asshole resort owner who refuses to postpone the annual fish fry, the ex wife/scuba instructor, the son who gets in over his head, and the native that fishes with dynamite. The flying fish effects are bad. Cameron is lost without a budget. There are a couple of incredibly mean spirited bimbos (who thankfully get naked) who try to steal food from a mentally challenged man and then invite him on a leisure cruise only to dock their boat just far enough from the pier that the poor bastard can’t get onboard. The poor horny son of a bitch tries to jump on, but misses wildly and gets called an asshole by the two teasing broads for his troubles. Their comeuppance is coming.

The picture’s best effect was, strangely enough, ripped off from the original Alien when a piranha that had burrowed itself into a dead guy bursts out of his chest during the autopsy. Henriksen is pretty solid but not really given much to do except pine for his ex-wife and look for his son. Upon finding the kid, who by the way is at one point shown making love to a young lady in a waterfall (that son of a bitch is barely fifteen!), he makes the curious decision to put his helicopter in neutral and ditch the thing into the ocean. Henriksen’s ex-wife looks like Adrienne Barbeau which is the best thing I can say about her. Cameron liked her enough to cast her as “woman” in The Titanic. The fish fry is pretty fun, but one can only watch so many flying fish before he catches himself looking for the string (not very hard to find). Cameron would eventually redeem himself before disappearing for a decade but this is not a very promising beginning.

The Fortress (1993)

This one was surprisingly not terrible. Starring Christopher Lambert and the incredibly cute Loryn Locklin as a married couple living in one of those futuristic dystopias that everyone loves to make movies about. In this one, families are only allowed to have one child in an effort to curb overpopulation. Failure to adhere to this law leads to imprisonment. If you’re unlucky, you’ll be sent to “the fortress”, a futuristic, privatized establishment run by a cyborgish Kurtwood Smith (Robocop). That's exactly where Locklin and Lambert get placed when they try to cover up a second pregnancy after their first child died in infancy. Due to budgetary reasons, this prison is built underground so we never really get an idea of its scope. Each prisoner has an “intestinator” inserted in their stomach which will a) give them cramps or b) explode if they don’t follow protocol. Smith holes up in his office like some sort of robotic Howard Hughes leering over the sex dreams of his prisoners before his female companion (a fem-puter) commands him to turn on the prisoner's intestinator. No wet dreams in this prison I guess. No wonder the homoeroticism runs rampant. Alliances are made and broken, babies are extracted for a special kind of bonding with machines, breasts are left unbared, etc. Since this one’s directed by Stuart Gordon (Re-animator) one can expect some pretty impressive gore and one would not be disappointed. Impressively, the movie asks many questions about humanity and "progress". Less impressively, it doesn’t even begin to answer them. The Fortress may be “run” by Smith, but it’s his female-ish robots and synthetic guards that truly police things. Jeffrey Combs shows up as the computer geek who uploads a computer virus in order to help Lambert and his wife escape. This was years before Independence Day. Tom Towles (Henry) and Vernon Wells (The Road Warrior) appear somewhat briefly. I’ve always thought Lambert a terrible actor but I was mildly impressed with his work here (once you get past the accent). The Fortress is better than Beowulf 1999.

Shit man, I guess that’s it. I was going to briefly write about No Escape (loved it) and Repo: The Genetic Opera (the poster child for overrated “cult” films) but I’ve fucking had it for today. Save some shit for next time I guess (which I guarantee will be sooner than a month from now). If I have to stay late at work once or twice a week to post an entry, so fucking-be it I guess.

The Top Ten Films of 2008!

I guess it's about time I joined everyone and their grandmothers and submitted my own top ten list for 2008. Let's just skip the lengthy introduction and get down to the nitty gritty. First of all, you won't find many oscar contenders listed here. The reason being that I didn't see any. Several films are obviously not included on this list for that reason; Doubt, Benjamin Button, Frost/Nixon, uh....etc. I actually wanted to see Doubt because of my Amy Adams fetish, but then there is the part of me that's not into pediphilia so I decided to wait for the DVD. The best movie I saw this year will also not be featured on this list. It's a spanish masterpiece called Black Candles. Unfortunately for you it was made in 1982. So, you will just have to wait for my review of a picture that has a scene where a lovely young woman has sex with an evil goat. Anyway, here's the list. I'll have some sort of worst of thing done by the end of the weekend.

10. Rogue

It's criminal that this picture did not receive an official theatrical release in this country. It's a terrific oversized crocodile movie featuring moving picture trash favorite Radha Mitchell (Pitch Black) and also some guy that was in "Alias". Basically, a bunch of tourists go on a river tour and get stranded on an little river island that, unfortunately for these poor bastards, happens to be on a tidal river (which means the island is sinking or the river is rising, i guess it's a matter of perspective). Oh, and there is a wonderfully rendered crocodile waiting to pick them off one by one or three at a time or whatever. And a little pooch that may or may not be used for bait at one point. The photography in this thing is amazing, the action is tense, and the performances are fun. It's no wonder since this was directed by Greg McClean who also helmed the underrated Wolf Creek. It's now available on DVD so what are you waiting for?

9. The Ruins

Scott Smith's terrifying bestseller with the incredibly silly premise is turned into a terrifying film (and the premise is still silly). The isolation as well as the performances from the young (mostly unknown) actors enhance this thing beyond the usual standard fare. The scariest moment involves the reveal of the source of the hidden cell phone. There's plenty of gore in this thing as well. The tension created via an impenetrable language barrier is what kept me on edge. I don't know, I had a good time with this one. Just wish those clingy vines had done a better job shredding Amy and Stacy's tee-shirts. Oh well, still good.

8. Transsiberian

Brad Anderson (The Machinist, Session 9) definitely has a masterpiece in him and I'm not sure but this might be it. Woody Harrelson (at his most likeable) and Emily Mortimer star as Roy and Jessie, a couple of Americans who decide to take the Transsiberian railroad on their way from China to Moscow. On board, they meet Abby and Carlos who may or may not be drug smugglers and then after a brief stop one of the four goes missing and then, even later, another one disappears as the first one to go missing is found again. Ben Kingsley shows up and may or may not be a russian narcotics officer partnered with the stoically vile Thomas Kretchsmann. The movie belongs to Mortimer as a young do gooder who just gets in deeper and deeper while the viewer cringes and starts yelling obscenities at the screen. I hate describing things with the word I am about to use but it's the best thing I can think of. It's positively hitchcockian.

7. The Dark Knight

I want to call this one a flawed masterpiece but I just realized how absurd that term is. Can a masterpiece really be flawed? I love so much about this film (and I won't even get into Heath Ledger's over described performance) that I can, for the most part, overlook its flaws. Surely, the film deserves an oscar nomination. Everything about it feels so god damned epic. The fight scenes are a mixed bag for sure (Nolan hasn't improved much in that department) but the flaws aren't that noticeable. I just wasn't crazy about certain elements of the picture (the joker's party crashing, gordon "deceiving" the joker, the run time, etc). Still, the picture floored me. All of the performances are terrific, especially the not mentioned enough Aaron Eckhert. It may not be the masterpiece everyone claims it to be but it's still pretty great. Nothing wrong with that.

6. Cloverfield

I had a blast seeing this one in the theatre. You know what, it's pretty great on the small screen too. Let's see, I love Godzilla. I was a fan of The Blair Witch. Why not merge the two and even have the arachnids from the greatest picture of all time (Starship Troopers) cameo as some sort of weird spider lice or whatever. This picture worked for me. Shaky cam rarely makes me nauseous so that element didn't bother me. I cared about the characters even though they weren't really developed (and for christ sakes, how do you develop characters in a found footage movie anyway??). The monster effects were spectacular. The ending was jarring. I loved it.

5. The Foot Fist Way

Comedies usually aren't my bag. I like to laugh, I just don't like to laugh when I'm supposed to laugh if that makes sense. This year produced a few good comedies (Hamlet 2, Tropic Thunder, and The Pineapple Express) and this was the best one. It's all of the uncomfortable oh my god he just knocked out that old lady variety and I guess that's the reason it made my list. I guess I find pain funny. If you're a fan of Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant's work ("The Office" or "Extras") then you will dig this one. Danny McBride (who incidentally stole his scenes in Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express) stars as the Tae Kwon Doe instructor from hell named Fred Simmons. He delivers so many off the cusp remarks that ones jaw pretty much doesn't leave the floor (example "I'm so hungry I could eat a grown man's ass"). What if Mr. Miyagi told Daniel "if you were in prison, you'd be raped because of your feminine qualities." Would that be funny to you? Not everyone's cup of tea but it's definitely mine.

4. Punisher: War Zone

What the fuck is this piece of shit doing here? Oh wait, it's was all kinds of mother fucking amazing. Yeah, this was a better comic book picture than The Dark Knight and fuck off if you disagree. While Nolan is taking comic movies into new levels of seriousness (read pretentiousness) and some shit leave it to some hot kickboxing broad from the UK (Lexi Alexander) to bring them back into the blood and shit soaked gutter where they belong. Hyper violent and hyper fun. Ray Stevenson is Frank Castle. Dominic West gives a rioutous performance as jigsaw, the joker-like villain without the sense of humor. Doug Hutchinson (Tooms from "X-files") steals the show as Loony Bin Jim, jigsaw's violently insane brother, who, in a not so subtle nod to his X-files character, rips out a man's liver with his bare hands and eats it. You shit birds will eat this up as well.

3. Doomsday

I had a hard time deciding between this or Punisher as my favorite film going experience this year. I went with Doomsday because we're coming up on a year since I've seen it and I still love the fucker. Neil Marshall (Dog Soldiers, The Descent) crafts a brilliant mishmash of all my favorite pictures...Aliens, Escape From New York, Excalibur, Lord of the Rings, The Road Warrior, etc...into the most original rip off I've seen yet. Critics cried for Marshall to up the ante after The Descent. I guess they want him to shoot for an oscar or something. I'm happy if he keeps making "crap" like this. What the fuck do we go to the movies for anyway?? I don't know about you but I go to see Rhona Mitra's leather clad ass on the big screen. Word of advice Marshall. Next time, lose the leather.

2. Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Guillermo Del Toro can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. Hellboy 2 is superior, by far, to Hellboy 1. Del Toro's visual style is currently unrivaled. Ron Perlman is perfect as the titular character. Doug Jones, Selma Blair, Jeffrey Tambor and even that fucking "Family Guy" guy give wonderful performances. The troll market, that weird giant elemental creature that blossoms into a stunningly beautiful garden after hellboy kills it, the golden army themselves (an army of orb like indestructable robots that Prince Nuada (long story) seeks to gain control of so he can take back the earth from humankind). Is Nuada evil? Not really, just a bit misguided. This movie isn't about good and evil. It's much more interested in things like love. Also, spectacular visuals and some amazing fights don't hurt. This is the best comic book picture of 2008. It would have been the best picture period if not for...

1. Let the Right One In

Stop comparing this movie to Twilight. That's a huge fucking disservice to Let the Right One In. LTROI is a painfully honest picture about adolescence and, in particular, the blossoming relationship between a young boy and a young girl (who happens to be a vampire). The picture is beautifully spare in its portrayal of a destitute Stockholm suburb. The performances from the two leads are wonderful and no ending has simultaneously moved and horrified me like this one. When Eli pulls Oskar out of that pool and smiles at him I think I may have shed a tear ( can't really remember, it was a while ago). It's a shame that this picture has already been eliminated from the Foreign Language category since only one submission is allowed per country and Sweden already submitted something that no one will see. Fuck it, if there's any justice in the world this would take home "Best Picture". Yeah, it's that good.

Here are a few honorable mentions that I can recommend:

Teeth, Rambo, Miss Pettigrew Lives For a Day (yep, Amy Adams), Iron Man, Redbelt, The Strangers, Stuck, The Midnight Meat Train, The Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Death Race, Hamlet 2, Burn After Reading, Valkyrie.

Back later with a few pieces of shit.