Schlocktober Fest, 2019: Volume VIII

OCTOBER 28, 2019

Little Monsters (2019)
Movie #28
Director:  Abe Forsythe
Length:  93 minutes
Platform:  Hulu

Not to be confused with the Fred Savage vehicle of the same name, "Little Monsters" is a fun little picture about a zombie outbreak in Australia that I'll probably forget I watched in a month.  Basically, what we got here is a zom-com starring Lupita Nyong'o (incredibly likable -- even if she does spend half the picture playing Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" on a god damned Ukulele) and Josh Gad (incredibly hateable -- but in a pretty awesome sort of way).  The main character is Dave, a guy that refuses to grow up, gets dumped by his girlfriend, sleeps on his sister's couch, and watches his nephew (Felix) all before the outbreak starts.

Felix is a normal kid that's allergic to everything (he's got a shot regimen --- "blue in the sky, orange to the thigh").  So, Dave takes him to school and immediately falls in love with the Kindergarten teacher (Nyong'o ) leading him to sign up as a chaperone for their next field trip to Pleasant Valley Farm where the kids will be entertained by world famous Teddy McGiggle (Gad), a clown (think Krusty -- or...I guess "The Wiggles(?)).  He's got a signature laugh...and puppets.  Unfortunately, near the farm there's a U.S. military base where, at the same time, a zombie outbreak occurs.  Before they know it, the class (and Teddy) are holed up in the gift shop while the zombies eat all the other patrons.

Like, I said, it's fun.  Gad is incredible as Teddy McGiggle, beautifully foul and just all out wretched once his life is in danger.  Again, Nyong'o is also pretty great, in her bright yellow dress she evokes every kindly kindergarten teacher we've ever had or imagine we had.  Her only goal is to keep the children safe ("one, two, three, eyes on me") in mind ("don't worry, this is all just a game") and body (she decapitates a bunch of zombies with a shovel).  I gotta say though...like another zombie film aimed at kids, the equally wonderful "Fido", this is...just not for kids.  Which is fine.  It's aimed at me and people like me, but it could be for kids.  The kids that act in this thing are all great.  It's just too gory and foul mouthed for any responsible parent to allow their kids to watch this shit.  They'll have to hear about it and then sneak in a viewing before their parents get home from work.  Latchkey kids still a thing?

OCTOBER 29, 2019

Hellbound (1993)
Movie #29
Director:  Aaron Norris
Length:  95 minutes
Platform:  DVD -- own collection

There was a time in my life where if you had asked me who my favorite actor was I would have said "Chuck Norris" without missing a beat.  I think I was 7.  Back when we used to rent VCRs for the weekend's entertainment, I think I rented "The Octagon" like a million times.  And that's an objectively terrible picture.  I also gravitated towards "Silent Rage", one of Norris' few horror films (He also starred in "The Hero and the Terror" -- not good).  "Silent Rage" is just incredible.  Norris fights a zombie.   At the end, realizing he can't kill the thing, he just kicks it down a well where it will "live" forever or until some poor sap mistakes it for Timmy.  Kick the problem to the next guy.  What a wonderful resolution.

Anyway, here's a Norris horror picture that came out towards the end of his film career.  The first thing I noticed was that even the shitty pictures of this era were pretty good.  As I kept watching, I started to realize that...well....it got less good.  The opening is the best part.  A bunch of medieval crusaders are trying to rescue an infant prince from Prophylatus (I think), some agent of Satan who can gain immortality through royal blood.  They rescue the infant and lock the guy up in some tomb.  Cut to 1951 and a couple of Indiana Jones assistant-looking motherfuckers are dispatched when they open up the tomb.  Cut to 40 years later, Chicago, and Norris is stopped from BLAM-ing the face off a drug dealer, sans trial, by his partner.  Minutes later, he's in a hotel room fighting some guy that tosses a recently extracted heart in Norri's face (after Norris deadpans-he deadpans everything, if you're unfamiliar with his acting style-"You're all heart", a reply to what I'm sure was this demon-guy's lame joke).  Anyway, this thing is moving fast and I was appreciating it until it stopped moving at all -- after Norris and partner board a flight to Israel.

So, the last 60 minutes or so were slog.  We got university students, pickpockets, good vs evil, Norris' patented stiff jean kick, etc.  His partner was a black guy.  A thing in the 80s was to have black guys complain all the time when they were pulled out of their element.  His partner complains about the heat in Israel, the lack of food (Norris retorts "you ate on the plane" -- this was a full day later), the speed of their taxi, and the guy (Prophylactus)  that they fight who can't be killed (but can be repeatedly knocked down -- by Norris, of course), etc.  The best thing about the picture were the names of Norris and his partner, Shatter & Jackson.  Why the fuck didn't they just name the movie that??

Ma (2019)
Movie #30
Director:  Tate Taylor
Length:  99 minutes
Platform:  VOD

"Ma" is actually a pretty good one, a Blumhouse production.  Their record is solid.  This is a bit of a slow burn about a group of teenagers looking for a place where they can hang out and get drunk without the prying eyes of cops, parents, teachers, whatever.  So, one day they sucker the titular character (played very well by Octavia Spencer) to buy them a bunch of booze.  She  finally relents and then convinces the kids to come party in her basement ("I'd feel much better if I knew you all weren't out there driving around").  Predictably, things start great and also predictably things end up less great.

Here we have another picture where a woman suffers a mental break.  Although, in this case the picture works to back it up through flashbacks.  Ma grew up in this podunk town, was teased relentlessly and then, in a heartrending flashback segment, the victim of an awful prank (there's a bit of "Carrie"'s DNA here).  In the present day, she's a receptionist at a veterinary clinic where her boss (Allison Janney) is constantly yelling at her for being on her phone.  Like most people these days, Ma's an addict, trolling her new high school friend's on Facebook, sending unsolicited Facetime's, googling things like "how to find a car tracker", etc).  As the story progresses the kids get more weirded out,  eventually blocking her, which leads to shit spiraling beyond anyone's control.  Also, there's some Munchausen by Proxy going on (Ma's got a "sickly" daughter -- it's understandable why, based on her own experience, she may not want her daughter attending that school, but..you know..instead of poisoning her daughter, maybe move?).  So, between the racial component and the Munchausen component, it's a miracle this movie manages to be fun at all.  So, this picture is fun, a fun picture tinged with sadness and desperation and a cool kill where an obnoxious step mom named Mercedes, out for a jog, is run over by a shit box.


OCTOBER 30, 2019

The Lighthouse (2019)
Movie #31
Director:  Robert Eggers
Length:  110 minutes
Platform:  saw this shit in the theater

Ok, so I had always planned on seeing "The Lighthouse" this Schlocktober and thankfully it just arrived in Providence last week.   Robert Egger's first film, "The Witch" was one of my favorites of the year it came out.  "The Lighthouse" might be another masterpiece for this guy.  I say that and yet, I'll fully admit to this, I nodded out 4 or 5 times.  I'll blame that one a a few things; 1) 9:10pm midweek showing is not conducive to me staying awake 2) It's shot in beautiful black and white 3) not exactly a plot driven film...it's almost dream like, nay nightmare like, in structure 4) I had just eaten.

Thankfully, my partner sitting next to me (evoking last year's viewing of "Vampyr") was able to nudge me awake each time, so I didn't miss much.  Anyway, this is a picture about a guy (Ephraim -- played by Robert Pattinson -- he seems to be making good career choices, post "Twilight") arrives on an Island (not clear where it is, New England?  Canada?  Definitely East Coast) to help Thomas (Willem Dafoe -- flat out incredible) man a lighthouse.  Ephraim doesn't drink, much to Thomas' annoyance.  Thomas is prone to drink, soliloquy, and ordering Ephraim to do all the shitty manual jobs that don't involve manning the light tower (that's his thing -- he won't give it up).  As Ephraim takes to his tasks he engages in such things as a battle of wits with a seagull, imagining screeching mermaids basking on rocks, tentacles, shit shoveling, repairing roof shingles, etc.  Each night Ephraim and Thomas dine.  Thomas flatulates constantly, Ephraim bears it, barely uttering a word throughout...until he has a drink, finally, and then he won't stop talking.

So, we got a nice tale of ocean madness here where one guy has something the other guy wants (the light).  I don't know, not much else to say.  Eggers has an incredible eye for detail.  The score is pretty fucking great, and sinister at times.  As I dozed, I myself was nearly driven mad by the repeating fog horn (it repeats itself for the entire picture, pretty much).  Eventually, Ephraim is scheduled to leave but the ferry never shows up.  They run out of alcohol, drink kerosene.  Things get weird.  Ephraim explains his origin story, they don't recover from it (Defoe's "you went and spilled the beans" will be echoing in my head for a while).  The violence in the last 20 minutes or so is jarring.  The first 80 minutes or so are borderline comedic at time (get a load of Pattinson's accent once he starts drinking and starts talking).  Similar to "The Witch", there's some stuff involving animals pulling a fast one on the human characters.  It's a fever dream.  For me, that's pretty literal.

Schlocktober Fest, 2019: Volume VII

OCTOBER 20, 2019

Gwen (2019)
Movie #22
Director:  William McGregor
Length:  84 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

I was listening to "The Big Picture" podcast today (10/28) where they picked the best horror movies of the decade.  They came up with rules for what makes a horror movie (my pedantic ears immediately perked up).  They settled on two rules; 1) there has to either be a supernatural element or 2) there must be visceral violence / gore.  I think they missed a few.  One of the hosts cited "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" as belonging to the latter category because of its excessive gore, which led me to believe he hasn't watched TCM in a while.  Also, their rules would excise something like "The Wicker Man" (absolutely horror), since there's no supernatural element and there's no gore and little violence.  What it does (and many other horror films do) is create an unsettling, I'm not sure what's going on here, atmosphere where a protagonist finds himself in way over his head, usually due to outside, and sometimes internal, forces.  This would probably be labeled as something like "cult" horror.  Not in the sense that it has a small audience (though this is often true) but that the antagonists are members of an actual cult and are grooming the protagonist for something truly awful (unbeknownst to him or her).  "Kill List" (a movie they claim to not be horror) would also fall into this category.  Anyway, I got irrationally upset (since I tend to like the podcast and they discuss horror on it, frequently).  Oh well, I'm fine.

So, here we have a picture called "Gwen" about a young girl living in the hills of 18th century Wales with her family.  The father is off fighting in a war so she (Gwen) and her, sickly, mother and sister are left to tend their sheep farm on their own.  There's an epidemic of sheep deaths and also a neighboring family was found to have been slaughtered shortly after their own sheep were also slaughtered.  Probably not a great omen then that Gwen and family wake up one morning to find their own sheep massacred.  The atmosphere is thicker than the pea soup mist that drifts across the hills.  The family is a bit ostracized from the town (the mother's sickness viewed as demonic possession -- she's afflicted with what's most likely epilepsy).  Is there something supernatural going on?  It's hinted at, for sure, but what we're dealing with here is a story of paranoia bred by ignorance.  This is a depressingly terrific picture reminiscent of other films like "The Witch" and...well, some other film I watched on Shudder ("Hezagawa" or something) where a baby is eaten by a witch.  I don't know, can't remember, not doing the research.   Watch "Gwen" is my point.  No babies are eaten, sadly.

The Guardian (1990)
Movie #23
Director:  William Friedkin
Length:  93 minutes
Platform:  VOD

At some point, I'll probably want to do a ranking of the top 5 or so pictures I watched this Schlocktober and I'd be shocked if Friedkin's "The Guardian" doesn't make the cut.  This is an insane film about druids that worship a tree god and feed him (or her!) babies, usually at about 4 months or so, when the blood is most pure (this movie is basically an advertisement against breastfeeding; stick to the formula, moms!).  Anyway, Friedkin is a master, but this movie is silly, in a glorious way.  I suspect Friedkin was trying to give the finger to those who were begging him to make another horror movie (almost two decades after he delivered "The Exorcist").  Again, this one is really fucking silly.  We got a couple relocating from Chicago to the Hollywood Hills (he's an ad man / photographer and she's a womb).  Immediately, she gets pregnant (we are witness to the Cinemax after dark style love making session) and gives birth.   For some reason, they hire a nanny from the Guardian Angel Nanny Co.  The mother doesn't work and they're not making much money to begin with but, this being the 90s, a full-time live in nanny was an expense they could live with, apparently.    Anyway, after their first choice impales herself on a cactus in walks Celeste, the perfect nanny!  Except, you know, she floats around the woods, has a pack of coyotes at her beck and call, and comes on to the husband (the least of their worries).   The supporting cast includes Miguel Ferrer (in a small role as the man's --seriously, not looking up these names -- new boss).  Ferrer is sleazy without being sleazy.  It's just how he is and I appreciate his type.  Xander Berkley shows up at the end as the detective who shows incredible restraint, in his one scene, when the husband and wife appear at his precinct with the story of a witchy nanny, coyotes, and a tree that fucking eats people.  It fucking eats people.

OCTOBER 21, 2019

Eli (2019)
Movie #24
Director:  Ciaran Foy
Length:  98 minutes
Platform:  Netflix

"Eli" is a pretty solid movie with a pretty wild twist that I didn't really see coming.  I'd like to think the movie didn't set it up at all but, no, it's probably just me.  I'll spoil it below, so be wary.  Anyway, we got the story of a mother and father and their son, Eli (I like when the name is in the title, makes it easy to remember) going to some sort of hospital so that Eli can be treated for whatever ails him.   As far as I can tell, he's a bubble boy with an extreme sensitivity to all things in the outside world.  The doctor that will care for Eli is played by Lily Taylor in a pretty Lily Taylor (i.e., tremendous) role.  So, Eli gets suspicious after Taylor and her staff begin draining fluids out of his spine or brain or wherever.  Left, often, to his own devices he wanders the hospital and is followed by ghosts or his imagination.  Mom and dad are also staying at the hospital but they're not of much help.  Eli also talks with a girl on the outside, through a window (Is she real, a ghost, imaginary friend?).  The first 80 minutes of this thing are standard ghost house fare.  We got smudge marks on windows, bumps, moving sheets, etc.  Standard, kind of dull.  And...then....and then.....

.....after learning that the doctor has not cured one single patient (the bodies are all found in the basement) it turns out that Eli isn't really a sick little boy after all.  He's the fucking antichrist...or an antichrist, maybe there are several?  How else to explain the bodies in the basement?  Eli buys into his new existence and decimates some human flesh including the face of his father (in one particularly gruesome moment, lots of gruesome moments at the end).  So, I liked this one but only because of the last twenty or so minutes.  Otherwise, it's mostly forgettable.  Of note, Foy also directed the much better "Citadel".

OCTOBER 23, 2019

The Influence (2019)
Movie #25
Director:  Denis Rovira van Boekholt
Length:  101 minutes
Platform:  Netflix

Here's another spooky tale where a child murders people (albeit without agency).  This one's a Spanish horror number, complete with subtitles, if that's your bag.  A mother and her family (blue collar, lazy-ish husband, and daughter) move back to the home where she grew up to care for her dying mother.  Her sister, overwhelmed with the task, begged her to come and help.  The mother's a nurse, so it makes sense.  Also, the mother that is dying is some sort of witch (the kind that can possess her precocious young granddaughter and make her do some awful shit).

The backstory:  When the witch's two daughters were young they accidentally "caused" the death of their father when he fell down the basement stairs and impaled his face on some antlers.  The mother never forgave them so her long con was to become deathly ill to lure everyone back to the house where she can then slowly possess the body of young Nora (the granddaughter -- checked my notes for this name, too many characters to just refer to everyone as mother, sister, daughter, etc) so her vile spirit can live on after her body succumbs to old age.  This picture is pretty creepy.  Lots of heavy wheezing from grandma's bed.  Also, there's some spider imagery in here that points to ol' grammy as being some kind of spider witch, I guess.  Nora makes a friend.  Nora's friend is worse than Nora, takes to keying cars.  There's a brutal face bashing by children, followed by a burial in the garden.  Again, solid picture of escalating, unsettling, mayhem.  It'll take a while before I forget the scene where a nurse treats gram's bed sores.  Recommended.


OCTOBER 25, 2019

Rattlesnake (2019)
Movie #26
Director:  Zak Hilditch
Length:  85 minutes
Platform:  Netflix

"Rattlesnake" is a dime a dozen picture that used most of it's budget on the overhead desert shots (think "Dark Knight" overhead shots, the kind of shot that's now a cliche if you have enough coin) of Lilly (another mother, lots of mothers in this batch) driving her daughter Clara somewhere, I forget where.  Characters are always escaping something in these pictures, usually heading to California.    Lilly turns on the Tony Robbins podcast and I felt a tingle in my spine.  Later, the car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and little Clara wanders off to pee only to be bitten by the titular creature.  Broken car, young girl with a rattler bite, miles from civilization......all sounds like a death sentence.  Except, where did that trailer come from?  And what's with the shadowy woman inside the trailer who heals the bite (with no medicine) and mutters something about "collecting payment later"?  That was weird.  So, here we have another "Tales from the Crypt" episode stretched out to feature length.  Another morality yarn that I couldn't help but like.  So, the payment required is another soul, apparently, says the lawyerly guy that visits Lilly and Clara in their hospital room (yeah, she got the car fixed).  So, the rest of the picture involves Lilly trying to figure out who she can murder while feeling least bad about murdering said person.  This is the type of shit I like.  Is it the guy that forces his wife to stand naked on a chair, balancing heavy encyclopedias in each hand while he watches MMA and slugs beer?  Maybe.  Also, that guy gave a pretty great performance.  And the violence, while ultimately sparse, hits pretty hard.  I found it enjoyable that losing your soul to this particular entity involved eternal servitude based around the occupation you held in life.  For most of us, that's a fucking nightmare.  Not bad I guess, just overlong.

OCTOBER 27, 2019

Wax Mask (1997)
Movie #27
Director:  Sergio Stivaletti
Length:  98 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

This is it.  This is the best one I've seen this month.  Sleazy, gross, atmospheric, etc.  "Wax Mask" opens with inspectors investigating a murder scene (late 19th century Rome) ripe with severed hands, splayed organs, artistic blood spray.  Under the bed of the victim, hides a little girl, the victim's daughter.  Cut to twelve years later, that little girl grows up to be Sonya, a fashion designer who goes to work for Dr. Boris, the auteur behind Rome's newest attraction,  a wax museum that displays scenes of the macabre (there's medusa, Jack the Ripper, the murders in the Rue Morgue).  Of course, Sonya finds it a bit odd that one of the exhibits is a replica of the murder of her mother, which includes details that were not even revealed to the press.  So, that's a kicker she says after finally landing a gig in her preferred field.

Taking elements of giallos and "The (fucking) Terminator", this is a wonder to behold.  Apparently, Dario Argento gave this one to Lucio Fulci to direct but then Fulci died and it went to this Sergio guy who does a masterful job evoking fear through colors and shadow (that would do Argento proud) and gore (that would do Fulci proud).  We've got scenes of investigation (involving Sonya, a journalist, and some blind woman) usually followed by scenes of abduction (the killer dresses like the killer from Bava's "Blood and Black Lace" -- there's also a lot of Bava in this picture) where a syringe is plunged into the neck of an unwilling victim, paralyzing them, so they can be dragged away....and...you...know...brought to the wax museum's bowels for experimental procedures, dressing ups, or whatever.  Also, this picture reminds me a lot of "Darkman".  The score is Eflman-esque and the villain, if he weren't completely despicable, could at least be Darkman's Italian cousin.  So, it's a whodunnit where we know almost immediately whodunnit but it doesn't matter because the picture is so damned fun.  Also, nudity

Schocktober Fest, 2019: Volume VI

OCTOBER 16, 2019

The Noonday Witch (2016)
Movie #19
Director:  Jiri Sadek
Length:  90 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

This is a folky horror adjacent tale about a mother (Eliska) and her daughter (Anita?) moving out to the country (in Czech Republic) while dad is away or something.  He's totally going to join them, definitely not dead or whatever.  Meanwhile the town they come to, a sparsely populated brightly lit wheat field-y type affair, is the dad's hometown.  The townsfolk remember him as a fun fellow, bit weird though.  Speaking of the townsfolk, we got the mayor and his wife (She's a bit off, strangled her young son years ago in a tragic accident, now just wanders around the town talking about noonday witches, and such), There's Zdenik (big, burly type, helps Eliska get settled, totally comes on to her) and his wife (Dasa?).  Various other sweaty overweight folk, not too many, place is sparsely populated and all.

So, this is a bit of a bait and switch to be honest.  Not much horror to be found here.  The majority of the picture is shot in beautiful, popping off the screen daylight, which is always a challenge in these type of movies.  They nearly pull it off but then undercut things a bit by interspersing some nighttime scenes and throwing in a few jump scares, here and there.  Anyone can scare with the dark.    The scenes I most liked were, of course, the daytime scenes.  We hear stories of "the Noonday Witch" throughout.  She comes for children.  In this case, Anita.  As she comes closer, the days get hotter, more oppressive.  This is all captured quite beautifully.  However, enough with the nighttime stuff, it's not called "The Nighttime Witch".  What's with that scene of Zdenik showing up drunk, at Midnight?  I guess I'll give the picture a little bit of credit for not having him overtly throw himself at Eliska.  He's sad yes, but not a monster.  Also, there are no monsters in "The Noonday Witch".  Just breaking people.

So, I can't say I really liked this one too much.  The score is really good.  It's a piano score, "moved me a bit" is what I wrote in my notes over a week ago.  The sound effects are good, dripping faucets and clanking pans, etc.  The look of the picture is also lovely.  Miles of fields, a tiny old town, a little old farmhouse on the outskirts.  All of this is lovely to look at and listen to.  None of it's really unsettling or particularly involving, however.  It's in subtitles so be sure to lock your phone away.  It's fine (which is pretty much the worse thing you can say, apologies).

OCTOBER 18, 2019

Demons 2 (1986)
Movie #20
Director:  Lamberto Bava
Length:  91 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Now "Demons 2" is a movie.  Set in a high rise building, it seems to take place at the same time as the event of "Demons 1", or perhaps it's taking place in an entirely different timeline.  Anyway, "Demons 2" is the story of a bunch of people (kids, partygoers, nerds, gym rats, etc) who live in a high rise and are attacked by demons after they come out of the movie they're watching on the television.  So, we got a movie within a movie since, at one point, we're with the characters in the movie on the tv and I forget that we're not watching the events set in the movie that's not the movie within the movie but the movie WE'RE actually watching.  Make sense?  Ok, so the demons escape from the tv and start infecting the shit out of everybody.

Characters-wise, we got a young girl (Asia Argento, way before she became problematic), we got a young boy (the sling-shot type), we got a nerdy couple (he's studying for a physics exam, she already passed it "while three months pregnant" she likes to point out), we got a big party for Sally (with some terrific era appropriate music -- The Smiths, Dead Can Dance, Peter Murphy, etc), a bunch of meatheads in the basement gym, a john and his prostitute ("mind if we do it with the tv on?").  In a possible, but doubtful, throwback to "The Lift" we even got an elevator that factors into this thing, not really a character though.

Is it good?  It's certainly fun in an "Evil Dead 2" sort of way.  It's almost exactly on that wavelength.  The demons scratch a victim.  They almost immediately turn and then look to scratch somebody else. The transformation involves pulsating veins which is pretty fucking gross.  I'm not a vein guy.  Also, it involves your teeth falling out and being replaced by demon teeth (think, rodent teeth).  I'm not really a "falling out" teeth guy either.

So, we've got a cross here between "Evil Dead 2" and "Aliens".  These demons also have acid for blood.  There's a wonderful moment involving a demon's blood spilling on to the penthouse floor and making its way down into the ducts where it ruins plumbing, air conditioning, dogs, etc.  The coup de grace of this picture is the stuff involving the gym rats, trapped in the underground parking garage, fighting back.  It becomes a veritable demolition derby down there.  One of the guys becomes like Sgt. Apone, barks out orders, kicks some ass, dies horribly.  Lamberto Bava is the son of Mario Bava and you can just tell this shit is in his genetics.   This picture features a death by tanning booth and a birthing scene scored to some wildly inappropriate music.  Also, look out for the tiger "roar" sound effect.  They use it repeatedly.  It's hilarious and makes for a neat drinking game.

Passion of a Darkly Noon (1996)
Movie #21
Director:  Philip Ridley
Length:  101 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

"Passion of a Darkly Noon" is the story of a suited up Brendan Frasier running through a forest for some reason, fleeing something or whatever.  Eventually, he passes out in the middle of the road and is picked up by some 90s looking mothercucker, I think Loren Dean, who can remember...all the same.  He's brought to a remote farmhouse in the back of Dean's pickup where he gives us his best Jesus Christ pose.  I think I saw Viggo Mortensen's name on the credits.  Ashley Judd lives in the farmhouse.  She undresses Frasier and puts him to bed.  Next day, he wakes up, finds Judd napping on the porch.  She wakes up, explains how her husband Clay is a carpenter, makes coffins.  Oh, and Frasier was naked, threw on a trench coach.  Back to Clay, he's a carpenter, makes coffins, goes for "long walks in the dark".  I turned it off.  Never did see Vigo.  Judd looked great though.

Wendigo (2001)
Movie #21 (for real, this time)
Director:  Larry Fessenden
Length:  91 minutes
Platform:  Amazon Prime

I wasted twenty minutes on that sub-David Lynch bullshit "Noon Darkly".  Here's something I saw on  Amazon Prime for free.  I like Wendigos.  It's got Patricia Clarkson.  She's always good.  Jake Weber was decent in the "Dawn of the Dead" remake.  Larry Fessenden is an interesting indie filmmaker, does a lot to support up-an-coming horror directors (he appears in "Darling" and I think one other movie from this month).  So, "Wendigo" is the story of a family (Weber-Clarkson-boy) driving into upstate New York to get away from the big city of a while.  Weber, ape-ing many Dustin Hoffman performances, is incapable of relaxing.  See, he's from the city and is like totally neurotic.  On the way up north, they hit a buck.  Some hunters immediately approach, chastise him for hitting the buck they shot, cracking its antler.  One guy, Otis, seems particularly upset must be one of those hating on city folk types, says he's going to piss in the reservoir every day from now on (the reservoir provides the drinking water for the city).  Weber (name's Miles) being the bundle of anxiety that he is, does not let this go.  Anyway, great start to the trip.

Like "The Noonday Witch" this is more a picture about various human frailties and the things they can drive us to do.  Unlike "The Noonday Witch" I'm pretty sure there's some supernatural shit at work here as well.  See, the boy picks up a little Wendigo figure at the pharmacy in town.  He was given it by the Native American clerk behind the counter.  Turns out, there was no Native American clerk behind the counter.  Spooky shit.

Essentially, what we got here is a morality tale.  Some real "Tales from the Crypt" type bullshit.  You see, that hunter Otis?  Not only does he hate outsiders.  He also hates outsiders that rent the house he grew up in (They long ago lost it to the bank, now he lives in a trailer).  So, lotta strikes against the Weber-Clarkson-boy clan.  They antagonized a hunter by damaging the antler of a buck he shot, firstly.  That antagonized hunter is, in fact, a hunter, so we can infer he's got guns.  His name is Otis.  Guys named Otis are historically a problem, I'm pretty sure.   And he's a big drinker, inferred from his living in a trailer, being a hunter, and being named Otis.  All this culminates in the most tragic sledding accident this side of "Ethan Frome".

I liked this movie but I got a bit of problem with it.  Why not put more work into the actual Wendigo shit?  Instead they do the whole jittery camera "wait am I actually seeing what I think I'm seeing" type of deal, which is fine.  Also, whose side is the Wendigo on?  It seems like he causes tragedy simply so he could avenge said tragedy?  Or, was the tragedy preordained?  Did he not have a responsibility to help avert it?  I don't know, this one was pretty good I guess.  Oh, and snow...lots and lots of snow, you probably inferred that by the sledding reference.

Schlocktober Fest, 2019: Volume V

OCTOBER 14, 2019

The Lift (1983)
Movie #16
Director:  Dick Maas
Length:  99 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

"The Lift" reminded me of Spielberg's "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" in its depiction of the way obsession can destroy one's home life.  Felix, the obsessive in question, is married with kids.  At home, he repairs radio control cars while his wife cooks and stuff.  When she's out, he "watches" the kids and inevitably sends them too bed far too late (i.e., after the wife comes home).  He's so oblivious to his family that he doesn't even realize that there are a myriad of swirling rumors about his infidelity (not true -- he just doesn't really understand boundaries).  His wife is miserable and that bleeds into the mood of his kids.  Like Roy Neary ("Close Encounters") his family is teetering on the brink.  Also like Neary, Felix pours all of himself into his job and later the thing that stands in for UFOs in this picture:  a fucking homicidal elevator.

So, this one's got a great set up.   In the middle of this unknown city (the film is Dutch, the city is Industrial, there's no one around) stands a new state of the art high rise.  The high rise holds apartments and shops and one restaurant (The Restaurant Icarus, possibly an ill advised name).  A bunch of revelers get shit-faced in the restaurant.  A pair of couples.  They leave the restaurant, wonder if they can remember where the lift is, lightning strikes the building, they get in the lift, the lift stops between floors, the AC conks out, and they slowly succumb to the heat.  One of the ladies has her top off and was gyrating against her man.  Frantically, the building maintenance crew tries to rescue them.  Eventually, the lift moves again, arrives at the first floor.  The door opens and we never see what's insides, just the horror on the maintenance crews' faces.  Well............next day we learn....everyone's fine!  Just an overnight stay in the hospital is all.  A little bit of heat exhaustion or whatever.

So, these lift "attacks" slowly progress until they become real, genuine, hilarious attacks.   Like the security guy that gets his head stuck in the door.  Or...shit, forgot about this one; the blind guy that walks onto the lift only the lift isn't there.  Blind guy plummets to his death.  Good ol' blind humor.  Way to go movie.  Anyway, back to the plot...and boy is there a lot of it.  Felix is contracted to fix the elevator.  It seems ok, but something is certainly off.  He teams up with a journalist (a female!  is what one particularly despicable guy exclaims) to get to the bottom of things.  We've got an evil tech company, a child in peril, some hilariously dubbed dialogue ("Dad, what's adultery all about?"), computer mumbo jumbo, supernatural tech shit, and a, surprisingly, effective climax with Felix hanging in an elevator shaft trying to destroy some gelatinous bio-chips or something.  It sounds amazing, I know.  Just be prepared for 30 minutes of detective bullshit in the middle.  I said it reminded me of "Close Encounters".

OCTOBER 15, 2019

Dan Curtis' Dracula (1974)
Movie #17
Director:  Dan Curtis
Length:  98 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Man, these Dracula pictures are kind of all the same.  This is one of the classy ones, a British TV production from the early 70s.  As a kid, I had seen the 1979 "Dracula" starring Frank Langella and with Laurence Olivier as Van Helsing and directed by John Badham ("War Games", "Blue Thunder").  It scared the crap out of me.   I think I must have confused it with this one, which stars a wonderfully (thankfully) subdued Jack Palance as the count and Nigel Davenport as Van Helsing and directed by Dan Curtis (best know, to me, for "Trilogy of Terror" but he also created "Dark Shadows" which elicits some passion in some people).  So, here's the story.  Dracula summons a London Real Estate agent (Jonathan Harker) to come to Transylvania and show him some listings in London.  Dracula agrees to buy a place (Carfax), makes all the proper arrangements, and traps Harker in his castle along with his 3 wives.  Oh yeah, all vampires.  Dracula too.  Did you know he's a vampire?  Dracula is not a monster.  It's a name.  The person named Dracula is the monster.  Dracula is a name he's held for thousands of years, given to him after one of his many battles defending Hungary from the invading whatevers.  It means "devil".  Ok, so Harker's trapped in the castle.  Dracula commissions a ship, The Demeter, to take him to London.  As far as the crew knows, they're just transporting cargo (ten wooden boxes full of dirt).  It doesn't end well for the crew (no scenes take place aboard The Demeter, sadly -- it's skipped over in most of the adaptations -- I haven't read the book, to be honest, maybe that goes into more detail).

Ok, Dracula is now in London.  Oh yeah, did I mention he fell in love with a photo of a woman named Lucy that Harker had on his person?  He did.  Lucy is not Harker's betrothed.  She's actually betrothed to some guy named Arthur.....and then Lucy, in her estate...or her friend's estate...or maybe an Inn takes ill...and what's with those two bite marks on her neck?  In comes Van Helsing, who immediately knows what's up.  They set traps for Dracula but, he evades them every time.  Lucy dies.  Dracula sets his sights on Mina (Harker's old lady).  She's no Lucy, who reminded him of his long dead wife, but well Lucy's dead.  Oh wait, she was dead and then she became undead.  And then....well, dead again.  Her being dead again, causes Dracula to fly into a fit of rage.  His rage fits lead to....oh shit, we all know this story, right?  Do I need to retell the part about how Arthur and Van Helsing investigate shipping company after shipping company by poring over their manifests?  All because old Lady Menestra heard a story about a grounded Russian ship, carrying lots of coffins filled with dirt?  Their fine detective work eventually, leads them to Carfax...and then a chase back to Transylvania to "destroy" Dracula (they like to talk about him like he's a dog without feelings) before Mina (oh, yeah...he bit her) is beyond hope....and maybe they can save Jonathan while they're at it?

There's a fight in Dracula's castle that left me wondering why a filthy rich vampire would settle for hanging sheets on his windows.  Board that shit up, Dracula.  Or, I'm sure you could get some of those fancy wood shutters that, while fairly easily openable, don't come down with the flick of a wrist.  So, it's a Dracula film.  There's some good atmosphere in the Transylvania scenes and then things get a bit stuffy back in London.  It's a TV movie so the gore is relegated to a bit of painted on blood and maybe a blood packet or two opening and leaking whilst inside one's mouth.  Also, fuck...I totally forgot.  Who makes a Dracula picture and forgets to include Renfield?  Zero stars.

The Mind's Eye (2016)
Movie #18
Director:  Joe Begos
Length:  87 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Schlocktober Fest 2019 is, at this point, just one long advertisement for Shudder.  Anyway, here's another picture I watched on the streaming service called "The Mind's Eye" about some guys that probably never even heard of "Scanners".  Or, made by some guys that obsessed over "Scanners" and wondered what it'd be like to remake it only remove all the "boring" (i.e., dramatic) parts.  This is the story of a young man (Zack) who has abilities to movie things with his mind.  When he was a kid, we learn he moved his mom's brain by accident.  She died "before she hit the ground".  Totally your fault, Zack, despite what your girlfriend says.  So, Zack is sent to the Slovak Institute of Psychokinetics (see above picture) run by Dr. Michael Slovak who is totally not the bad guy of this picture.

Kidding, Slovak is a piece of shit who is extracting spinal fluid from these subjects (including Zack's girlfriend, Rachel -- played by Lauren Ashley Carter, this month's "Darling") and later injecting it into the back of his neck.  He become so addicted to these injections that he demands them (he has a nurse who administers this shit) even while his life in in immediate danger.  Ok, Zack and Rachel manage to escape (a good samaritan is killed -- off screen -- in, what seemed slyly, funny?).  So, Slovak has a bunch of scumbag henchman including the eye patch wearing, Travis (he's also got the gift which has only become stronger every since he had his eye plucked out).  There's another shit heel henchman but I'm struggling with his name....Curtis, I think.  His head explodes (spoiler) in an homage to the original "Scanners".  I really think they made this movie because the filmmakers just wanted to explode some heads...and rip apart some bodies.  Also, there's a great axe kill...the second greatest axe kill of the month, in fact, after one in "The Furies".

Larry Fessenden is in here somewhere as well.  He plays Zack's dad.  He's the most human character in the film.  He's given some tender moments and a great send-off.  The guy that played Slovak....I..I couldn't tell if his acting was good or not.  Not because it was subtle, it was the exact opposite of subtle.  If bile, literal bile, was in a movie, this guy would be played by that bile.  So, congratulations are in order.  My favorite scene...was another death scene (all the death scenes are good to great) and involved Travis, lying prone on his back, immobilized as Zack, with his mind, hovers an axe a mere few feet above his neck.

Zack:  I've always hated you Travis.

Travis:  I know.

Travis was not a great character until that moment, his last moment.  We rarely get such self awareness in our villains.  So, this isn't really a good one.  It is, however, fun, never meanders, gets in and gets out, has lots of 80s neon, gloss, stand-up sex, exploding heads, bodies, mind battles, etc.  Wait, maybe all this means it's good?    I don't know, watch "Scanners" first, I guess.  This'll look better in hindsight.

Schlocktober Fest 2019: Volume IV

OCTOBER 9, 2019

Darling (2016)
Movie #10
Director:  Michael Keating
Length:  76 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

"Darling" is a really good picture, an homage to Polanski's apartment trilogy of the 60s ("Repulsion", "The Tenant", and "Rosemary's Baby"), in which a young woman agrees to house sit an old building in Manhattan.  Beautifully shot in black and white, the picture opens with Darling (character's first name apparently) meeting with the house Madame (played by Sean Young) who gives her the rules, brings up how the previous caretaker jumped to her death from the top floor balcony (for some reason) and also asks some questions about a particular reference who has yet to respond to her inquiry.  But...she's in a hurry, needs someone immediately, I'm sure everything checks out.  The film is layered like a short novella, broken into up into five chapters (chapter 1: Her; chapter 2: Invocation; chapter 3: Thrills; chapter 4:  Demon; chapter 5: Inferno), so you have some idea how this shit progresses.

So, the film is about the mental breakdown of this young woman and Lauren Ashley Carter is tremendous as Darling.  She skulks around the building stalked by flashing lights and hallucinatory images which help depict her deteriorating mental state.  While out for groceries, she runs into a man who triggers some PTSD flash backing.  Does she know the man?  Back in the apartment, she wanders down a narrow hallway and comes upon a locked door.  She can't get in.  The Madame, over the phone, implores her to stay aways from that room.  Also, still can't get ahold of your reference.

After a while, we start to wonder if it's the house that's haunted or if this shit is all Darling?  Eventually, she needs some time out so she applies some makeup and hits the town where she meets a guy in a bar.  After a couple of gin shots she brings him home and things get really harrowing.  To say more would bring us into spoiler territory.  If watching a picture where a young woman walks around an old style Manhattan home while she slowly breaks from reality (thought I have to wonder if that break had already happened by the time she first had that meeting with the home's Madame) piques your interest than this might be the film for you.

OCTOBER 11, 2019

The Mimic (2017)
Movie #11
Director:  Huh Jung
Length:  100 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Here's another pick-me-up picture.  This time, we got one about a couple of parents grieving the disappearance of their young son.   Since the disappearance (in Seoul) they have relocated to the country where they now run a dog sanctuary.  Also, this dog sanctuary happens to exist in the shadow of Mt.  Jang, under which lies a cave known, appropriately, as Mt. Jang cave.  Spooky shit lives in this cave.  We got disembodied voices....and well, maybe even a creature or two.

Anyway, Hee-Yeon is the mom.  Min-ho, the dad.  A pre-title sequence involving a speeding car, a frantic couple, a crashing car, and a kidnapped women in the trunk give us a little information about what lies beneath the mountain.  We're later introduced to Hee-yeon as she picks her mother up from some sort of Sanitarium.  She brings her home.  The mom is strange, sits in a lazy boy chair along a backyard path which becomes an ominous path as it descends towards the base of the  mountain and, the opening of the cave.  Later, Hee-yeon and Min-ho find a little girl hiding out by the cave opening.  Where did she come from?   Not too concerning, I guess, until she starts to assume the identity of their missing son.  Also, there are some detectives in here somewhere, investigating the pre-title happenings.

This is a pretty good one.  Mystically scary shit all around.  It's called "The Mimic" so you can probably infer that the young girl may not be what she seems to be.  Also, there's more backstory involving a pretty fucking gleefully evil Shaman.  Some of the cave stuff evoked "Nightbreed", in particular, one such tiger-human creature that dwells below.  Ok, it's the Shaman.  So, the batshit wrap-up sorta works to balance out the downer themes at play here.  Grief, it's all about grief.

Child's Play (2019)
Movie #12
Director:  Lars Klevberg
Length:  89 minutes
Platform:  VOD

It's incredible to me that the one franchise to emerge out of the 80s and to keep going in new and interesting directions is the one about a fucking killer doll, but here we are.  "Child's Play 2019" exists in a world where the shenanigans from the original series cannot possibly exist.  This also isn't some meta "New Nightmare" bullshit where the movie exists in a reality where the movies are actual things.  None of that shit exists here.  How else to explain a company taking the Buddy doll from the original films and re-branding it "Buddi" and giving this thing the power to control ones' home.  Buddi, the smart homicidal doll.

The company in question (I think it was called something like Krasbro or Kalamazon) is pushing these things out in time for Christmas.  The Chinese sweat shop where these things are made is where the story opens.  A guy shows up late and is promptly fired (but, of course, he's told to finish the doll he's currently working on before he's "officially" fired).  So, he disables the safety features (i.e., "things that stop the doll from murdering, I guess) and then suicides off the top of the building  Cut to Zed-Mart employee, Aubrey Plaza who doesn't have a lot of money because she works at Zed-Mart.  What's she going to buy for her, near deaf, son?  How about this refurbished "Buddi" doll?  That'll do nicely, she guesses.

So, this is a fun fucking picture.   Unlike the other Child's Play films, this Buddi is active immediately but, here, he starts off kinda nice....and he's also voiced by Mark Hamill.  He reminded me of Teddy from "A.I."  He just follows the son around (son=Andy), does some chores for him, hands him toilet paper in place of his science book (I think he's got a sense of humor) and then kills the cat.  The cat deserved it since it was named Mickey Rooney and not Kitty Rooney?  I don't know.  Also, Aubrey Plaza has a terrible boyfriend.  He's got another family, unbeknownst to them, threatens to hit Andy, etc.  I wonder how long he'll be around?

There are neighbors (Brian Tyree Henry -- people love him in "Atlanta" and he's great here -- and his mother).  There's a perverted super. leaving video cameras around in various bathrooms, etc.  Andy's got some "Stranger Things" type friends.  Lot of fodder for old Buddi (named Chucky, after Andy tries to name him Han Solo and he malfunctions, sticks with Chucky).  The kills are inventive, fun, and red.  Aubrey Plaza does her whole...."I got this thing for you so we can make fun of it" schtick and I gotta say, I love that schtick.   Anyway, I wrote about ten pages of notes for this 90 minute movie but this is all you're getting.

Lone Wolf and Cub:  White Heaven in Hell (1974)
Movie #13
Director:  Yoshiyuki Kuroda
Length:  84 minutes
Platform:  Criterion Blu-Ray (own collection)

Initially, I was only going to include this as a bonus review.  Then I watched it and realized I never actually watched it all the way through before.  So, it's totally counting.  Also, I'm worried I'm not going to hit the 31 film mark so I'll need all the help I can get.  "White Heaven in Hell" is the sixth and final film in the Lone Wolf & Cub franchise.  Along the way, we've had many laughs and many more severed arteries.  Quick backstory:  In the first film, Ogami Itto (he was the Shogun's chief executioner -- which is a really big deal) is framed as a traitor to the Shogun by some old geezer named Retsudo Yagyu (of the Yagyu clan).   They kill his wife.  This punishment is, of course, death by hara-kiri.  Instead, Ogami kills a bunch of motherfucking ninjas and offers his son (Daigoro -- or, cub) a choice.  Choose the ball and I'll send you to be with your mother.   Choose the sword and you'll live your life with me as an assassin for hire, a demon amongst the living.  The series is called "Lone Wolf & Cub", so figure out how he chose for yourself.

Another question:  How is this one horror?  Does it count.  Two points:

1) Retsudo desperately (after losing his entire family to Ogami in the first five films) employs a clan of zombie fighters.  Well, he really employs a clan that practices black magic.  They, in turn, raise some dead warriors.  These guys tunnel through the ground and are dispatched really easily.  The film's claim as horror is dubious, at best.

2) I'm guessing no one's going to call me on this so who gives a shit?

I always put this picture off because, frankly, I didn't want the series to end.  I was also aware that the series never properly ended.  For whatever reason, they just stopped making them.  The guy that played Itto would live for another decade or so (fuck, he was the opposing manager in "The Bad News Bears Go To Japan").  This picture has an ending but the series does not.  Once more, Itto fights off hordes of his enemy in some incredible and beautifully choreographed, lit, scored battle scenes.  This one, has a final battle in the snow that puts that James Bond on skis scene to shame.  There's a fight outside of an inn that's as incredible as any fight in this series, for the most part.  It just frustratingly ends with, once again, Ogami getting close to Retsudo and Retsudo, once again, making his escape into the next picture, a picture that would never come.  Maybe I should watch the TV series for further enlightenment?  I did skip to the end of the manga series to see how it all wraps up and well, on second thought, maybe I'm good with the series ending right here?  By all means, check out this movie but, please, not before you've seen the previous 5 films.


OCTOBER 12, 2019

Die Monster, Die!  (1965)
Movie #14
Director:  Daniel Haller
Length:  80 minutes
Platform:  Blu-Ray (own collection)

Man, I almost didn't count this one because I was sure I had seen it.  I realized I hadn't seen it as soon as Nick Adams appears as the hero.  I had seen the one 1960s Lovecraft adaptation starring Dean Stockwell ("The Dunwich Horror" -- I remember nothing about that one except for Dean Stockwell so maybe it could count too?).  Anyway, this one takes place in a small Scottish village where Nick Adams (brashly American, Stephen) shows up looking for the girl he met back in the States, Susan.  Susan is the daughter of a guy named Nahum Whitley (Boris Karloff) and lives up at the Whitley estate, a place where no one in the village will bring Stephen.  The villagers, mostly drunkards and assholes, hilariously refuse Stephen a ride.  One asshole won't even rent him a bike (he probably should have offered to buy, not rent).  Anyway, he walks...for what only seems to be a few miles.  The closer he gets to the estate the more the vegetations seems to be dead, burnt almost into ash.  Also, what's with that big crater?

This is a beautiful picture.   I'm pretty sure some of these scenes are backed up by matte paintings.  The opening credits, all 10 minutes of them, are swirling colors that pop off the screen.  Makes sense since this is based on Lovecraft's "The Colour Out Of Space" (which was just released in a modern update starring Nic Cage and directed by Richard Stanley -- the guy that made the phenomenal "Hardware").  So, we got here a family patriarch (again, Nahum Karloff) that hates outsiders and a he also hates the villagers; mutual feelings all around.  His wife (named Letitia -- great names in this) is bedridden with some illness.  We never see her face, at least until the end.  Even then, we still don't really see it.   There's a butler named Merwyn.  He seems sickly, but cool.  And, outside there's some sort of witch type person.  In the basement, a laboratory and a possible portal.  It's lit up with colors.  Oh, and a locked greenhouse which holds some secrets or what not.   Also, colors.  Maybe even colors from space.

Suzan Farmer as Susan is properly angelic, doesn't seem like she would belong to this family in a million years.  Reminds me a bit of Judy or Judith or whoever the normal relative in "The Munsters" was.  Nick Adams isn't exactly a piece of shit but if I was Susan's brother (she doesn't have one) I wouldn't be a fan of this guy, this American that walks into this castle acting like he owns the place, needing to see the basement, the greenhouse, talking over my dad at dinner, trying to bed my sister, etc.  Anyway, good movie about-and-for-family.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle (2018)
Movie #15
Director:  Stacie Passon
Length:  96 minutes
Platform:  Netflix

Here's another family film, based on the Shirley Jackson novel of the same name.  Here we got a story about the two Blackwood sisters (Merricat -- Taissa Farmiga / Constance -- Alexandra Daddario) living up in a castle (never explained where, but let's just say Vermont, if it's anything like the novel which I, admittedly, haven't read, but I did read the Wikipedia page) with their depressed, and wheelchair bound, Uncle (Crispen Glover -- terrific) and later with their Cousin Charles (Sebastian Stan).  Rumors swirl around this family.   Years ago, Constance was acquitted in the poisoning deaths of their parents.  Meanwhile, Merricat walks around quoting the ingredients, symptoms, etc to various poisons.  Hmmmm...

So, like "Die, Monster, Die" we got a film where the villagers hate the family that lives in that oversized mansion on the outside of town.  And the feeling is mutual.  Except for Constance, she doesn't, couldn't, hate anyone.  She's the Susan (again, "Die, Monster, Die") of this picture.  So, this isn't really horror either.  I've had some dubious selections in this batch.  But, and this is why I'm counting it, it does contain some horror tropes.  Old creepy house on the outskirts of town.  Distrustful villagers.  Allusions and straight up declarations of witchcraft, though how effective any of this witchery is we can never be too sure.

Where "Die Monster, Die" seems to touch on the feelings brought on by wealth disparity in a community, this picture hammers that theme a bit more directly.   As Merricat's dead father used to say "shoddy work should be punished not paid for" (of course, meaning the villagers in their crummy houses just don't work hard or smart enough).  Also, I'm guessing their inheritance was pretty good (no legal hold ups, post-trial anyway) because not one of these Blackwoods work a lick.  And then there's Charles who came in, wooed Constance, refused to leave (despite all the incantations Merricat must be putting on him), and entitled-ly decides to wait it out at Blackwood Castle, thinking this is much easier than college.  Oh, and yeah, lots of weird hints at incest.  Also, a phenomenal dinner scene (another horror movie trope) where Uncle Blackwood (again, Glover, tremendous) looks at Charlie and says 'that chair is my dead brother's chair.  Last time I saw him he was foaming at the mouth".  Also, this picture pretty much ends with pitchforks drawn.  While I liked this one enough, if you must see a picture where a shitty relative named Charles returns to the home of his weird family, may I suggest "Stoker"?

Schlocktober Fest, 2019: Volume III

OCTOBER 7, 2019

Effects (1980)

Movie #7

Director:  Danny Nelson

Length:  84 minutes

Platform:  Shudder

"Effects" is a little nifty hang out picture that portends to examine the idea of a film director as a god type figure.  The filmmaker, and team (lots of people from the Romero Pittsburgh class of filmmakers) have made a picture about a picture within a picture.  On the one hand, we've got Lacey (the director, played by John Harrison --Romero guy) who seems to be making a film about a woman that seems to be having a breakdown.  He brings in a cinematographer / effects guy played by Joseph Polito (best known as Captain "choke on it" Rhodes from "Day of the Dead").  Other characters of note are Nicky (played by Tom Savini, legendary effects guy), a total douchebag who will stop at nothing to bed Celeste (Susan Chapek), the film's gaffer and also Barney, a fuckin' weirdo.

So, we got the one film they're making and then on the outside we got a control room (unknown to most of the crew) where Lacey seems to take a god's eye view of all of the proceedings in and out of his own film.    Also, Lacey and crew get drunk one night and then after asking them if they wanna see a real film, he shows them what appears to be a super grainy snuff movie.  Things spiral a bit from that point ("oh, it's not a REAL snuff film, I was joking...what if I told you I made the thing and that girl is like totally fine").  Pilato is great in this thing.  If you've seen "Day of the Dead" you might think he's only capable of acting at a single register, 100 octane or whatever.  Here, he dials it way down and actually gives a pretty compelling performance as the guy that gets a little more than what he bargained for when he takes this job ("I've got one question, if this guy Lacey is fucking loaded then how come we're shooting this thing on 16 mm with a one-man crew?).  Also, there's some most dangerous game type shenanigans in here somewhere.

The gore, for the most part, is light but we do get to see some great effects work in action (mostly some explosions and plenty of blood squibs).    It's almost like a how-to course for low budget filmmakers.  I even think I learned what a gaffer is.   What, it's some kind of....sound guy or something?   This thing also ends on a terrific comedic beat.

OCTOBER 8, 2019

Don't Leave Home (2018)
Movie #8
Director:  Michael Tully
Length:  86 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Here's another little horror film.  Let's face it, they're all little.  This one reminded me a bit of "Hereditary" in the way all the shots seemed painterly and crafted to the most minute detail.  I paused several times to see if I was missing a ghost or some shit in each frame (see above -- and, no, I never found one).  Also, there's an artist (Melanie, played by Anna Margaret Hollyman) that works in recreating miniatures.  The pre-title sequence (it's a long one, 16 minutes before the title appears on the screen) involves a family in Ireland whose daughter disappears while gazing into a Christ statue out in the woods.  There's a Priest involved.  A creepy painting also.  The Priest is thought to be guilty, but he's exonerated, leaves the priesthood, and goes into hiding.  Back in the States, Melanie is obsessed with cases of disappearing Irish children.  So obsessed, that she recreates a miniature of the woods, statue, girl, etc.  Unfortunately, she's very poorly reviewed so she heads off to Ireland where the lady of an old estate promised she had investors who will buy the piece from her.  The title slaps on the screen as the plane shoots across the sky.

Upon arriving at the estate, the priest is there.  Also, a mute butler/driver.  The lady (her name's Shelly) makes sure that no one knows where Melanie is.  That's the first clue she should probably turn around and head home.  She explains it's because they don't want anyone to know where the Priest is.  Also, the director does a lot of weird zooming in and out of windows where Shelly is and sometimes isn't leering.  It's all a bit unsettling, in a mostly good way.  This is the kind of picture that layers one dream on top of the other.  Normally, I hate that shit but here it works, for the most part.  Also, there's an ominous path that leads to an even more ominous idol (the one from the painting -- I'm not up on my religion so, full disclosure, I wasn't sure if the idol was Christ or the Virgin Mary).

All of this felt like it was leading to something extra cult-y but where it goes actually seems more spiritual and, for good or for worse, less horror-y than I had hoped.  The lead-up to the finale is eery, for sure, but never really scary.  The scares are all on the edges, mostly outside of frame.  Unsettling more than unnerving, I guess is how I want to put it.  And then the "investors" show up and the thing almost becomes a comedy.  Those scenes were a bit reminiscent of "Get Out", albeit an extremely white "Get Out".  So, this one was mostly good.


OCTOBER 9, 2019

The Furies (2019)
Movie #9
Director:  Tony D'Aquino
Length:  80 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Finally, bring on the gore.  I had a blast with this picture.  The movie opens in the middle of nowhere with a couple of mutant-looking motherfuckers (pretty sure they're just wearing masks, but I wasn't completely sure) fighting over who gets to kill some fleeing women.  All around, we got white birch trees.  One of the women is dealing with a nasty leg injury.  Are these mutants fighting over the right to kill or is one trying to stop the other one from actually making a kill?   And then we get some weird video game credits.

Flash forward or sidewards (but certainly not backwards) and we're in the city following Kayla and Maddie after they've left a bar.  They fight (verbally, they're friends after all) and go their separate ways.  Kayla hears Maddie cry out, runs towards here, but too late.  They're both abducted.  Some flashing images later (involving eye stuff) and Maddie finds herself in a black box in the middle of nowhere (you might recognize the white birch trees).  She meets a couple of other women in the same predicament (obviously).  Why are they here?  What's the point?  Let's figure this shit out, they say.

I don't know.  I loved this one.  It's got a bit of a "Cube" vibe.  Characters wake up, not sure where they are, have to work together to stay alive....and then they start working against each other because, turns out, that's also what they need to do to stay alive.  Also, we got mutants hoping to kill them and that actually get to kill (some of) them...in awful, brutal, and...dare I say...fun and inventive ways.  Oh yeah, Kayla's also an epileptic, doesn't have her medicine.  That shit might come up later (conveniently and inconveniently, depending on the character).  The mutants are scary enough.  Ok, they're not mutants...they're guys with masks.  We got a guy in the baby faced mask (from "Brazil"), we got a guy with a pig face, and we just got a bunch of scraggly faced masks.  Some guys carry scythes.  Some guys carry axes.  Some guys use their bare hands and a birch tree (in the 2nd nastiest kill of the picture -- the nastiest involves the axe).  Also, why did that one guy's head just explode for seemingly no reason?  Why is any of this shit happening?  Some great performances (especially by Airlie Dodds as Kayla) and some incredibly visceral action.  A lot of practical effects, as far as I could tell.

Honestly, I could probably watch all 31 movies this month without leaving Shudder if I wanted to.   "The Furies" (not to be confused with the 1950 Anthony Mann Western of the same name) is a really solid fucking picture.

Schlocktober Fest, 2019: Volume II

OCTOBER 4, 2019

Incident in a Ghostland (2018)
Movie # 4

Director:  Pascal Laugier

Length:  91 minutes

Platform:  Shudder

Look at that beautifully cropped image.  Dear god, I'm getting worse.  Anyway, "Incident in a GhostLand" (or GhostLand) is a near return to form for Pascal Laugier who fucked a lot of people up when he dropped "Martyrs" on the world back in 2008.  "Martyrs" was a part of that french wave of horror that includes things like "High Tension" and "Inside" and all of those films were known for high..ahem...tension levels as well as some extreme gore (seriously, if you're thinking about getting pregnant, maybe hold off on watching "Inside" for a while).  Anyway, since then Laugier also made the decent picture "The Tall Man" starring Jessica Biel which, unfortunately, did not feature an oversized mortician running around exclaiming "boyyyyyyyy...." to everyone in sight.  

So, "Incident..." is more akin to "Martyrs" then it is to "The Tall Man" for Laugier, at least at the beginning.  We've got a Lovecraftian tale (ok, this tale is not Lovecraftian at all -- besides the fact that Lovecraft appears in a dream sequence and the use of the word "Incident" in the title, there's very little of Lovecraft to be found here) about a mother and her two daughters (Beth -- the Lovecraft fan -- and Vera) driving deep in the country where they will live from now on in, dead, Aunt Clarice's house.  The mom is very french and smokes often.  On the road to their new home they're passed by a rickety old ice cream truck.  Vera gives them the finger as they pass.  Probably a mistake.  Later, they stop at a convenience store and Beth takes note of one particularly ominous newspaper headline:  "Family Killer Strikes A Fifth Time!"   Alright, I see where this is heading.

So, yeah...first night...home invasion.  Ice cream truck again.  Brutal attacks.  Mom fights valiantly.  Big ogre-ish guy enjoys playing with dolls, etc, etc, etc.  And...then...flash forward.  Years forward.  Beth is now living in the big city, a wildly successful horror writer.  She goes on the interview circuit, makes love with her husband, enjoys high-end literary parties (this must take place during the salad days of book publishing) until one day she receives a frantic call from her sister, Vera (still alive) begging her to come home.  So...she does.  

This is a solid one but I gotta say, too much story, a little too much ambition (sometimes, ambition and horror don't mesh).   I won't say anything more other than, upon arriving home, her mother (also still alive) looks amazing for being a chain smoker into, what must be her late 50s, and Vera smudges makeup all over her face and keeps herself locked in a basement room, for some reason.  You'll find out.  Great atmosphere, good performances, a haphazard story, and a decent length make this one...pretty solid.

In The Tall Grass (2019)
Movie # 5

Director: Vincenzo Natali

Length:  101 minutes

Platform:  Netflix

Here's another one with (also, too much?) ambition.  Based on the Stephen King / Joe Hill (You know, despite the last name, this is actually his son) novella (I hear it's more of a short story, I don't know haven't read it) of the same name.  I'm honestly not sure how this could be a "novella".  The story in this thing seems like it would take up ten pages, tops.  It's a bit reminiscent of Children of the Corn in that some outsiders get lost in a field (instead of stalks of corn, we got tall grass).  Of course, there aren't really any children (there's one child...and an unborn baby... I don't know, maybe combined they count as children). 

Anyway, a pregnant woman (Becky) and her, way too clingy (in a possibly taboo-ish way), brother (forget his name) are driving cross country to San Diego or San Jose or San Dimas or wherever to start anew.   Along the way, they stop by a wide open field of tall grass where they hear the voice of a child yelling for help.  He's lost. Can't find his family.  They can't see him but they decide to go in after him.  Before long, they're separated and...also lost.  Eventually, the brother meets up with the boy and then Becky meets up with Patrick Wilson (the boy's father).  Then things get weird.  

What we have here is a Twilight Zone episode stretched out to feature length.  Time has no meaning within this maze of tall grass and that becomes much clearer when they meet up with Becky's old boyfriend (and father of her unborn child -- he looks to be about twelve, himself) who came searching for them after they disappeared months ago.  There's some ominous shit happening here.  We got a giant space rock in the middle of the field, we got cell phone calls from the future and maybe even the past.  This is not a normal field I guess is my point.  Also, Patrick Wilson's character is a real piece of shit...a bad dad, even.  

Vincenzo Natali, being the terrific director that he is (he also made "Cube" and "Splice"), imbues all of the shit with a great sense of eeriness and dread.  Also, I didn't think there were too many ways you could film a field of tall grass and make it look more terrifying with each subsequent shot but he found a way.  Also, there's a whole lotta mud.  In addition to being a pretty good grass picture, this is also a pretty good mud picture.

OCTOBER 5, 2019

Itsy Bitsy (2019)
Movie #6

Director: Micah Gallo (sounds totally made up)

Length:  94 minutes

Platform:  VOD

Check out that image above.  Can't make it out?  It's a picture of a large spider crawling into a bed.  Perhaps it's your bed.  

"Itsy Bitsy" is a neat little horror picture from the guy that made "Massacre Lake" (unfamiliar).  Currently looking up this Micah Gallo fellow and realizing he's probably best known for providing visual effects work for Adam Green ("Hatchet", "Frozen", etc).  Anyway, it makes sense since this picture has some terrific effects work (spidery stuff mostly)  Basically, we got a large spider wreaking havoc in an isolated country home.   Like a lot of these monster pictures (also see "Bad Moon") the story begins in an other-y part of the world where natives worship giant spiders because that's exactly the kind of shit jungle natives get into according to these pictures.   So, an idol is taken from the natives and transported back to the "real" world where it's sold to ailing collector, Bruce Davision (some of the X-men films).  

The post set-up, set-up:  Kara and her two kids (boy and girl) have been priced out of the big city.  Kara accepts a live-in nursing job with a certain ailing artifact collector.  Her and her kids can live in the guest house.  In the main house, lives the artifact guy (Davision) who is mostly bedridden.  That's ok, Kara provides him with a baby monitor so she can come running if he falls, poops himself, etc.  Also, what's with the giant spider that crawls out of the artifact while no one's watching.  I wonder what's going to happen with that shit?  Probably just make his way to a cozy spot in the house and not bother anyone is what I'm guessing.  

This is a pretty enjoyable one, lots of X-files type camera work, moodiness, and music.  I blind bought it on demand because it was the same price to rent as it was to buy ($4.99).  It was sort of worth it.  I gotta say though.  Kara and her kids don't bring much to the table, acting wise.  The woman that played Kara was fine.  She's had some trauma in her life.  She steals drugs from Davison.  He finally catches her.  That's an interesting subplot to put in a 90 minute movie.  The kids, however, are god awful at this acting thing.  I hate to say it since they're kids.  Maybe they'll grow into it.  The daughter (the youngest of the two) gets put in the more precarious situations.  At one point, I was pretty sure the spider bit clean through her hand, but nope...wishful thinking I guess.  At another point, she did some Carol Anne type acting when she was trying to sleep and a tree (?) was banging on her window.  Also, when the spider does finally bite you (and it will) you'll know it.  The wound festers and your eye color changes, rapidly.  I figured the movie was going for some sort of transformation type deal but no one ever really lives long enough to find out.  Possibly a missed opportunity.  Also, Denise Crosby plays the sheriff in an interesting bit of casting.  Some may remember Crosby as Tasha Yar (Star Trek the Next Generation's first season -- and the only season I really watched) but to me she'll always be the mom from "Pet Semetary".  Oh, and "Miracle Mile".  Fuck she was awesome in "Miracle Mile".  Everyone see "Miracle Mile".  

Oh yeah, "Itsy Bitsy", despite the cute-sy name, was pretty good too.