Schlocktober Fest, 2019: Volume I

Hey, I'm back with another round of Schlocktober.  Once again, the rules are simple:

1) 31 days of October means 31 films (I've revised this rule a bit -- it doesn't have to be a film a day, just a total of 31 -- I'm sure I'll be doubling up a bunch to meet the quota).

2) It has to be a film I've never seen before.

3) all images must be poorly cropped photos taken from my tv, apparently.

Here we go....

OCTOBER 1, 2019

Bad Moon (1996) 
Movie #1
Director:  Eric Red
Length:  80 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Here's one I remembered seeing on the video shelfs back from when I was a kid.  But, that obviously can't be true since the picture came out in 1996 when I was 22.  So, memory is a funny thing.  Anyway, this is a pretty good one about an asshole (Michael Pare) who gets clawed by a werewolf while on a jungle expedition.  His assistant (and lover) gets completely mauled (to death) after a hilariously weird lovemaking session in their tent (did they use a chair in that tent for some tantric intercourse?  I'm pretty sure they did).  Cut to the title and then some beautiful Pacific Northwest scenery where the rest of the picture takes place.

Here we meet this asshole's sister (Mariel Hemingway) and his nephew (Billy, Timmy, or Bobby, I think).  Upon asshole's return there are some "grizzly" attacks.  The main character in the film is Thor the dog (we get several scenes from Thor's point of view).  He's also immediately suspicious of this asshole that has creeped back into their lives.  So, that asshole being an asshole decides to frame Thor for some attacks (including the incredible attack on a door-to-door snake oil salesman, who had returned to murder Thor after being "bitten", during an earlier visit).  I don't know, I liked this one quite a bit.  Usually, we get a sympathetic figure as the werewolf but this one took the lead of another, similar film called "Silver Bullet" and made him an outright piece of shit.  He pretended to care about his family by going out for midnight runs and chaining himself to trees but he only did that one time (and I believe it was really all just part of a long-con set up to lead Thor away from the house so he could eventually maul his sister and nephew in peace).  Also, this picture has the worst (so very god damned 90s) transformation I've witnessed in a long time.  Overall, solid picture.  A lot of good dog on werewolf action.  Question:  What happens if a dog is scratched by a werewolf?

Tigers Are Not Afraid (2017)
Movie #2
Director:  Issa Lopez
Length:  83 minutes
Platform:  Shudder

Here's a really good picture set in a Mexican city overrun by drug cartels and, almost solely, occupied by homeless children and gang members.  "The Florida Project" by way of "Pan's Labyrinth".  Our main character is a little girl named Estrella.  Her mom was taken by a gang and trafficked or murdered or worse (this one's got some heavy themes).  Estrella is granted three wishes by her teacher but then classes are indefinitely suspended so instead of using those wishes to construct a story in class she uses them out on the street to enact vengeance.  Along the way, she meets up with a gang of children with names like Shine, Morro, etc.  Shine steals a cell phone and a gun from a urinating, inebriated gang member.  The gang wants the phone back (contains some damning information -- though, I had to wonder, even if the kids turned that phone over to the authorities what could actually be done with it?  Not exactly a lawful place, in my opinion).  So, we got lots of cat and mouse chases in this thing...and oh yeah, a sort of ghost snake type deal that follows Estrella around and does her bidding.  Or...whatever.  And some cool animated graffiti type stuff and also Estrella vomits out some Pan's Labyrinth type deal.  None of this is really all that scary, but it's all quite affecting..

Children die if that's a trigger for you.  But at least they come back as sad sack ghosts.  I don't want to say too much about this one since I genuinely believe it should be seen (whether you like horror or not).  The imagery will stick with you (especially that of a little Teddy Ruxpin type plush tiger that leads Estrella to the room where the bodies are kept).  The question that sticks with me is "how they hell were they keeping that phone charged?'


OCTOBER 3, 2019

Death Machines (1976)
Movie #3
Director:  Paul Kyriaz
Length:   93 minutes
Platform:  I own this shit (Blu-Ray)

Well, I fucked up.  This thing isn't horror at all.  Or is it?  I don't know...let's figure this shit out.  I thought I was getting into a Terminator type riff (of course, one that predates "The Terminator" by half a decade).  The set-up is wonderful.  A criminal ("Oriental" --the film's words, not mine -- crime syndicate) organization decides they want to take over the "contract killing" racket in their town so they decide to hold a tournament where the winners will be super soldier-fied.  Of course, this tournament is a bit segregated.  They figure, we want one black guy, one white guy, and one Asian guy....so we see two black guys fighting.  Two white guys fighting.  And two Asian guys fighting.  All to the death.  They could have skipped this stuff and just had the super soldiers already pre-chosen.  Their heart was in the right place, I suppose.

Anyway, so it's basically the Asian gangsters (and their serum injected zombie-fried super soldiers) versus the Italian gangsters and their wickedly inept muscle.  We're treated to incredible scenes of Italian hitmen out on various jobs, getting tossed off building, bulldozed to death, etc.  My favorite scene is when the super-soldiers are given a contract on a martial arts instructor.  Rather than wait and take him out when he's alone they decide to take out the entire class (their mantra is "leave no witnesses").  So, what we got here is essentially a martial arts picture.  Unfortunately, the martial arts choreography in this thing is fucking terrible (but terrible in a fun way).  I expected a better fight here but unfortunately, the martial arts instructor isn't very good at his job (and he's dispatched rather easily).   One of his students, a white mustached-type fellow loses his hand and is left alive (they fucked up their own mantra).  I wouldn't worry about him too much though because he sucks at fighting and ends up in the hospital where he's given a decidedly non-bad ass prosthetic (a black glove -- I was hoping for a weaponized claw like the one from Lone Wolf & Cub Part II).  But, by the rules of all cinema, this wimpy white guy is now the hero of our story.

I lament that a different guy, one we meet earlier in the story, would not get to be the main character.  He's a mustached driver for the boss of the Italian crime family.  Unfortunately, he's taken out shortly after finding a small buddha in his spaghetti (buddha's are the calling card for these super zombie--assassins).  Also, guy dies pretty easily, barely puts up a fight, kind of gives up, loses his head even.  Alas.

So, This is a fun one.  We got white guys used as human shields, bazooka'd airplanes, biker gang bar fights, and even some boobs.  The debate remains, however.  Should this count towards my 31 horror pictures of the month?   Zombie super soldiers (one gets shot in the head, put in custody, and then massacres a police station -- in a scene that, again, predates a similar scene in "The Terminator" by half a decade) lead me to say yes.  Even if it is just a really bad kung fu picture with mostly white dudes.  It counts.