OCTOBER 28, 2019
Little Monsters (2019)
Movie #28
Director: Abe Forsythe
Length: 93 minutes
Platform: Hulu
Not to be confused with the Fred Savage vehicle of the same name, "Little Monsters" is a fun little picture about a zombie outbreak in Australia that I'll probably forget I watched in a month. Basically, what we got here is a zom-com starring Lupita Nyong'o (incredibly likable -- even if she does spend half the picture playing Taylor Swift's "Shake it Off" on a god damned Ukulele) and Josh Gad (incredibly hateable -- but in a pretty awesome sort of way). The main character is Dave, a guy that refuses to grow up, gets dumped by his girlfriend, sleeps on his sister's couch, and watches his nephew (Felix) all before the outbreak starts.
Felix is a normal kid that's allergic to everything (he's got a shot regimen --- "blue in the sky, orange to the thigh"). So, Dave takes him to school and immediately falls in love with the Kindergarten teacher (Nyong'o ) leading him to sign up as a chaperone for their next field trip to Pleasant Valley Farm where the kids will be entertained by world famous Teddy McGiggle (Gad), a clown (think Krusty -- or...I guess "The Wiggles(?)). He's got a signature laugh...and puppets. Unfortunately, near the farm there's a U.S. military base where, at the same time, a zombie outbreak occurs. Before they know it, the class (and Teddy) are holed up in the gift shop while the zombies eat all the other patrons.
Like, I said, it's fun. Gad is incredible as Teddy McGiggle, beautifully foul and just all out wretched once his life is in danger. Again, Nyong'o is also pretty great, in her bright yellow dress she evokes every kindly kindergarten teacher we've ever had or imagine we had. Her only goal is to keep the children safe ("one, two, three, eyes on me") in mind ("don't worry, this is all just a game") and body (she decapitates a bunch of zombies with a shovel). I gotta say though...like another zombie film aimed at kids, the equally wonderful "Fido", this is...just not for kids. Which is fine. It's aimed at me and people like me, but it could be for kids. The kids that act in this thing are all great. It's just too gory and foul mouthed for any responsible parent to allow their kids to watch this shit. They'll have to hear about it and then sneak in a viewing before their parents get home from work. Latchkey kids still a thing?
OCTOBER 29, 2019
Hellbound (1993)
Movie #29
Director: Aaron Norris
Length: 95 minutes
Platform: DVD -- own collection
There was a time in my life where if you had asked me who my favorite actor was I would have said "Chuck Norris" without missing a beat. I think I was 7. Back when we used to rent VCRs for the weekend's entertainment, I think I rented "The Octagon" like a million times. And that's an objectively terrible picture. I also gravitated towards "Silent Rage", one of Norris' few horror films (He also starred in "The Hero and the Terror" -- not good). "Silent Rage" is just incredible. Norris fights a zombie. At the end, realizing he can't kill the thing, he just kicks it down a well where it will "live" forever or until some poor sap mistakes it for Timmy. Kick the problem to the next guy. What a wonderful resolution.
Anyway, here's a Norris horror picture that came out towards the end of his film career. The first thing I noticed was that even the shitty pictures of this era were pretty good. As I kept watching, I started to realize that...well....it got less good. The opening is the best part. A bunch of medieval crusaders are trying to rescue an infant prince from Prophylatus (I think), some agent of Satan who can gain immortality through royal blood. They rescue the infant and lock the guy up in some tomb. Cut to 1951 and a couple of Indiana Jones assistant-looking motherfuckers are dispatched when they open up the tomb. Cut to 40 years later, Chicago, and Norris is stopped from BLAM-ing the face off a drug dealer, sans trial, by his partner. Minutes later, he's in a hotel room fighting some guy that tosses a recently extracted heart in Norri's face (after Norris deadpans-he deadpans everything, if you're unfamiliar with his acting style-"You're all heart", a reply to what I'm sure was this demon-guy's lame joke). Anyway, this thing is moving fast and I was appreciating it until it stopped moving at all -- after Norris and partner board a flight to Israel.
So, the last 60 minutes or so were slog. We got university students, pickpockets, good vs evil, Norris' patented stiff jean kick, etc. His partner was a black guy. A thing in the 80s was to have black guys complain all the time when they were pulled out of their element. His partner complains about the heat in Israel, the lack of food (Norris retorts "you ate on the plane" -- this was a full day later), the speed of their taxi, and the guy (Prophylactus) that they fight who can't be killed (but can be repeatedly knocked down -- by Norris, of course), etc. The best thing about the picture were the names of Norris and his partner, Shatter & Jackson. Why the fuck didn't they just name the movie that??
Ma (2019)
Movie #30
Director: Tate Taylor
Length: 99 minutes
Platform: VOD
"Ma" is actually a pretty good one, a Blumhouse production. Their record is solid. This is a bit of a slow burn about a group of teenagers looking for a place where they can hang out and get drunk without the prying eyes of cops, parents, teachers, whatever. So, one day they sucker the titular character (played very well by Octavia Spencer) to buy them a bunch of booze. She finally relents and then convinces the kids to come party in her basement ("I'd feel much better if I knew you all weren't out there driving around"). Predictably, things start great and also predictably things end up less great.
Here we have another picture where a woman suffers a mental break. Although, in this case the picture works to back it up through flashbacks. Ma grew up in this podunk town, was teased relentlessly and then, in a heartrending flashback segment, the victim of an awful prank (there's a bit of "Carrie"'s DNA here). In the present day, she's a receptionist at a veterinary clinic where her boss (Allison Janney) is constantly yelling at her for being on her phone. Like most people these days, Ma's an addict, trolling her new high school friend's on Facebook, sending unsolicited Facetime's, googling things like "how to find a car tracker", etc). As the story progresses the kids get more weirded out, eventually blocking her, which leads to shit spiraling beyond anyone's control. Also, there's some Munchausen by Proxy going on (Ma's got a "sickly" daughter -- it's understandable why, based on her own experience, she may not want her daughter attending that school, but..you know..instead of poisoning her daughter, maybe move?). So, between the racial component and the Munchausen component, it's a miracle this movie manages to be fun at all. So, this picture is fun, a fun picture tinged with sadness and desperation and a cool kill where an obnoxious step mom named Mercedes, out for a jog, is run over by a shit box.
OCTOBER 30, 2019
The Lighthouse (2019)
Movie #31
Director: Robert Eggers
Length: 110 minutes
Platform: saw this shit in the theater
Thankfully, my partner sitting next to me (evoking last year's viewing of "Vampyr") was able to nudge me awake each time, so I didn't miss much. Anyway, this is a picture about a guy (Ephraim -- played by Robert Pattinson -- he seems to be making good career choices, post "Twilight") arrives on an Island (not clear where it is, New England? Canada? Definitely East Coast) to help Thomas (Willem Dafoe -- flat out incredible) man a lighthouse. Ephraim doesn't drink, much to Thomas' annoyance. Thomas is prone to drink, soliloquy, and ordering Ephraim to do all the shitty manual jobs that don't involve manning the light tower (that's his thing -- he won't give it up). As Ephraim takes to his tasks he engages in such things as a battle of wits with a seagull, imagining screeching mermaids basking on rocks, tentacles, shit shoveling, repairing roof shingles, etc. Each night Ephraim and Thomas dine. Thomas flatulates constantly, Ephraim bears it, barely uttering a word throughout...until he has a drink, finally, and then he won't stop talking.
So, we got a nice tale of ocean madness here where one guy has something the other guy wants (the light). I don't know, not much else to say. Eggers has an incredible eye for detail. The score is pretty fucking great, and sinister at times. As I dozed, I myself was nearly driven mad by the repeating fog horn (it repeats itself for the entire picture, pretty much). Eventually, Ephraim is scheduled to leave but the ferry never shows up. They run out of alcohol, drink kerosene. Things get weird. Ephraim explains his origin story, they don't recover from it (Defoe's "you went and spilled the beans" will be echoing in my head for a while). The violence in the last 20 minutes or so is jarring. The first 80 minutes or so are borderline comedic at time (get a load of Pattinson's accent once he starts drinking and starts talking). Similar to "The Witch", there's some stuff involving animals pulling a fast one on the human characters. It's a fever dream. For me, that's pretty literal.
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